More Humour

Hypoxia said:

In early days of autos there was a law (in Kansas, I think) that if vehicles meet at an intersection, all shall stop and none shall move until the others have. As for your question, I refer to the rules in Mexico City: The larger vehicle has right-of-way, and anything on less than four wheels doesn't count.

Come away with me, Lucille
In my merry Oldsmobile
Down the road of life we'll fly
Auto-mo-bubbling, you and I...​

That open Olds had tiller steering. And horses had right-of-way then. Pigs, too. I guess human pigs still assert right-of-way. Especially those in big pickups/utes.

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Hahaha... When I was stationed in South Korea, the right of way was determined by law of tonnage. If my vehicle is bigger than yours type thinking. Motorcycles and bikes had no right of way. If traffic was backed up, cars could legally drive on the sidewalks because they were wider than the lane on the road. Fun times, but, damn, their red light system would mess you up when you came back to the states.

Billy comes home from school early one day to find his mum riding up and down on his dad on the bed.

"Mum what you doing to dad?" asks Billy.

Mum replies,"I'm trying to flatten his belly".

"There's no point mum, cos Mrs Davis, from next door, just comes round and gets on her knees and blows him back up again" pipes up Billy.

I love music. About ten years I bought a theremin. I haven't touched it since.

Husband comes home after work and finds his wife in the bathroom playing with a curling iron.

Husband - “What the Hell are you doing?”
Wife - “Your late. So I’m warming up your dinner.”
Kant

An Airline Pilot settles into his seat and gives the usual talk to the passengers, but he mistakenly leaves the Intercom on and tells the Co-Pilot:
"Im gonna have my Coffee and then get a B**w Job from that Blonde Stewardess."

Said Stewardess hears this and rushes toward the Cockpit to tell the Captain his error, She was stopped midway by an elderly lady who tells her ..
"Slow down love; he won't have finished his coffee yet."

A nurse is being given a tour of the hospital that just hired her. As they pass one room, she sees a guy masturbating.

"What's wrong with him?" she asks.

"This guy has a rare condition," her guide says. "He has to ejaculate at least five times a day or the semen builds up and causes him discomfort."

They pass another room. She looks in and sees a nurse giving a patient a blow job.

"What's up with that?" she asks.

"Same condition," the guide replies. "Better health plan."

A young Lad has a Homework exercise on the difference between Potential and Reality .. bit confused he approaches his Dad ..

Dad say its no bother and he can demonstrate the difference to his son ..
Dad goes to see his wife and asks "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a Million Pounds ??" ..

Mother replies "Yes I would .. I definitely would" ..
Dad then asks his teenage daughter "Would you sleep with Robbie Williams for a Million Pounds ??" ..
Daughter replies "Course I would .. In a Heartbeat" ..
Dad turns to his son and just says "There you go Boy ...." ..
Son Looks confused and says " I don't understand Dad" ..

Dad replies "Well potentially we are sitting on two million quid but in reality we are living with a pair of slags"

BuckyDuckman said:

I love music. About ten years I bought a theremin. I haven't touched it since.

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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for
20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......

"I would have got out today."

Hypoxia said:

Check the spare tire. BTW the US state of Kansas really is flatter than a pancake, thus providing cover for flat-Earthers, flat-taxers, and flat-liners. Just ignore bothersome tornadoes.

....

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I heard 'somewhere' that if a basketball was the same size as the earth, the dimples would be higher than Mount Everest.

Don't know how true that is, but it makes a nice sounding factoid.

BuckyDuckman said:

I love music. About ten years I bought a theremin. I haven't touched it since.

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I think that one belongs on the Intellectual Jokes thread.

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord, grant me one wish. "Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, the LORD said.
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish"

The man said "Please Lord build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I wish"

And the Lord said "Your request is very materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific, the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me"

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord I wish that I could understand women, I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy".


The Lord said "Do want two or four lanes on that bridge?"

'It doesn't matter how beautiful your theory is; it doesn't matter how smart you are. If it doesn't agree with experiment, it's wrong',
Richard Feynman.

My friend and I visited a place where you can stand in three states at once: Oklahoma, Kansas, and Missouri. My friend opened up and said that he was actually in a fourth state; crippling depression.

I said, “I’m so sorry, but you can’t count Missouri twice.”

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"
Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"

Handley_Page said:

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"
Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"

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At first, I thought that was going to be that old joke

Stewardess: "Would you like some of our TWA coffee?"
Passenger: "No, but I'd love some of your TWA tea!"

That really dates me, doesn't it?

A stunning young woman walks up to the foreign-exchange desk in major bank and passes over a thick wad of, oh, call it northern South American currency. The bank officer counts it twice, consults his computer for the latest exchange rate, does a calculation and then digs into his till and passes her $3.27.

“What?” the girl cries, “Is that all?”

“Yes,” the teller answers. “There’s been some terrible inflation there, you know.”

“Damn!” she muses bitterly. “And like a fool, I gave him breakfast, too!”

The Rodeo Position

Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”

“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind.
"Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”

A wife is frustrated that her husband has lost interest in having sex with her and gives him an ultimatum, "If you're not going to have sex with me, I'm going to sell myself on the street!"

"Ha!" scoffs her husband. "Go for it!"

The wife storms out of the house and doesn't return until the early hours of the morning with a big smile on her face.

Her husband is still laughing at her. "How much did you make?"

"$12.25."

Roaring with more laughter, the husband asks, "Who gave you the quarter?"

"All of them."

The President was sitting in the oval office waiting for his daily briefing, his aide comes in a says 'sir, i have terible news, last night we lost a brizian solider

POTUS was shocked, stunned, how could this have happened?

He replied: ' oh my good god, that awful;
"tell me exactly how many is a brizilian?'

incestory.com

.....

Handley_Page said:

The President was sitting in the oval office waiting for his daily briefing, his aide comes in and says 'Sir, I have terrible news, last night we lost a Brazilian soldier'

POTUS was shocked, stunned, how could this have happened?

He replied: 'Oh my good god, that's awful; tell me exactly how many is a brazillion?'

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Corrected the spelling, HP.

I think the mis-spelling was deliberate, but Thank You, anyway.



Why did the blonde stand staring at a can of frozen orange juice for 2 hours?

The can said 'concentrate'!!!!

======


What’s big and red and doesn't fit down rabbit holes?

A Fire Engine!!!!

The train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?', but the French woman just sniffed, and said to no-one in particular;

"Americans are so rude! My little Fifi using that seat!"

The Marine shrugged, and walked the entire length of the train again, but still the only seat left was the one under that dog.

"Please, ma'am, may I sit down? I'm very tired..."

She snorted and hissed "Not only are you Americans rude, you're arrogant as well!"

This time, the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, chucked it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked "Someone should put this American in his place now, how dare he!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up:

"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing; you hold the fork in the wrong hand; you drive your cars on the wrong side of the road, and now..."

He paused to fold his newspaper.

"You seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out of the window..."

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport, " he asked? "Fifteen bucks, " came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?! Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?" The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as the drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.