BDSM: Questions and Answers

alltherage said:

What do you do when you attempt to be true to yourself only to find that your uncertain about what the true is?

Click to expand...

It's an ongoing process, isn't it? To learn to listen to your own inner voice over all the things you hear from others. To realize that "who you are" is not absolute, and is going to change over time. Finding yourself never gets simple, and hopefully never stops happening, either.

P. B. Walker said:

Was there something that caused this situation in you (i.e., some event in your life or something in your upbringing) or do you feel that this was something you were born with? I guess this is similar to the debate about homosexuals being born that way or did their upbringing cause them to be that way. I'm not homosexual, but I know many people that are (many very close friends in fact). From my discussions with them, I believe that it's something they are born with. It's just part of their physical and mental make up. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it. It's like being born with blue eyes instead of green eyes. It's something beyond your control.

Do the people that said they cannot live without BDSM feel that it was something they were born with or is it a learned behavior?

- PBW

Click to expand...

PBW - I can only speak for myself. Deep down inside, I have always known what my sexual and relationship interests/styles were, just not "what" they were. I hope that makes sense. I am a person who usually, somehow ends up taking over whatever I do. *grin* I don't know how it happens, it just does. I remember as a kid my grandma saying to me "You are so domineering..." You wanna bet I looked that up in the dictionary I am generally the dominant person in my personal and business relationships.

To use your example, for me, it is like being born with brown eyes instead of blue. I can put contact lenses on to change my eye color, but I still see out of my brown eyes. I did not know anyone who has the same interests as I do until recently. I would suggest finding some local groups or people you can chat with. I know this has made a huge difference for me and hope it will help you too.

a silly little thought

it just gives me a giggle every once in a while...why do I have to "submit" my response? Can't I "send" it?

*tongue in cheek* Does anyone else have this vision of a computer geek dom out there maniacally laughing while labeling buttons "submit" so the rest of us will have to submit to him/her?

a silly little thought

it just gives me a giggle every once in a while...why do I have to "submit" my response? Can't I "send" it?

*tongue in cheek* Does anyone else have this vision of a computer geek dom out there maniacally laughing while labeling buttons "submit" so the rest of us will have to submit to him/her?



Now see, I've blown his cover and I have press that button again, roflmao

ok, back to sanity.....

geri said:

just a thought here.

i could not have come to admit much less practice what was in my soul until Magister came along and helped me free myself. He did not expect me (does not expect me) to be the perfect slave. indeed, much of the joy and pleasure W/we share is due to the growth in both of U/us in our prespective roles.

what i am trying to say (in more words than necessary perhaps) is not to deny yourself a Master if you truly desire it simply because you want to be the perfect slave before getting one. it is through the Master's hand that we become that perfect slave that is if W/we are careful and truly get a Master that is right for us, complements our own personalities, wants and needs.

it is in building a slave that the Master grows and that the relationship prospers. just make sure you are truthful with any perspective Master and that you are both on the same wavelength. Magister and i were friends long before our D/s relationship developed and so W/we knew at the time that the relationship was right. in fact one of His most delightful tasks was to redirect my worldly pride and retrain me to want only the pride that was given from Him.

just my thoughts on the subject. i wish you all the luck in the world in finding your place in this lifestyle. it can be very rewarding with the right Master.

Click to expand...

this one is not seeking to be the perfect subject for a Master, because she understands that she is and can never be perfect. she does realize that she must understand this part of herself better before she seeks to put her newfound awareness into practice. This is a revelation for her - not long ago she had no idea that this side of her existed, and she is becoming educated about and aquainted with it. she must understand this part of herself better before she will feel comfortable sharing it.

When the time comes, and this one feels that she has come to understand this newly discovered side of herself well enough that she may seek further guidance, she will seek a Master. Until that time, she cannot hope to know herself well enough; it is a startling self discovery that this one is what she is. At the moment, this discovery is still embryonic, and this one must know it better before trying to work with it.

Is it not true that one must know themselves well in this subject?

this one offers her thanks for your concern.

P. B. Walker said:

Was there something that caused this situation in you (i.e., some event in your life or something in your upbringing) or do you feel that this was something you were born with? .

Do the people that said they cannot live without BDSM feel that it was something they were born with or is it a learned behavior?


- PBW

Click to expand...

As I expect my recent post had something to do with your question, I will speak to my own experience.

In terms of D/s, you could qualify all of my relationships as having some sort of power exchange. I have always looked to my lover/boyfriends/husband to be the person in control. I find comfort in having someone else make decisions, comfort me when life sucks, press me and motivate me to become a better person. Unfortunately, when you enjoy giving someone this control, you tend to hook up with control freaks.....so I have had a series of troubled relationships since the first. AFter all, "control freaks" don't necessarily know how to use the power given them and tend to abuse it. A good Dom not only uses the power well, but uses it to my benefit as well as his own.

I also have always tended to be rather free spirited in terms of sexuality. However, no, I wasn't born thinking I needed to feel pain in order to enjoy sex. Having experienced it, yes, it is worrisome for me, but it appears that this is the case now.

No. Nothing happened to me to make me need what I need in a relationship. My nature is such that I am happiest in a submissive role.

Vaginal stitches? Bladder repairs? I'm sorry - if you EXPECT to end up in ER at some stage then your lifestyle is unhealthy.

Click to expand...

Crazy,

i think it's important to address this... or perhaps the delivery of your opinion here. personally i would say that staying in a relationship that doesn't fulfill your needs is unhealthy. we all have our tastes, likes and dislikes and this thread is the last place i expected to see someone elses judged so harshly.

although i think the logical reason behind this statement is valid and disturbing. there are many many things that are dangerous in S&M. even a whip can kill in the hands of an inexperianced person. the key i think is knowledge. which is what this thread is devoted to. my personal opinion is *not* asking, and *not* learning the things you need to know, to protect yourself from hospital visits and surgery is the problem.

It worries me that this thread only deals with the sexual selves of the Dom/mes and subs who post here.

Click to expand...

i've already touched on this some which brought up a wonderful conversation with Geri it's great to meet other like minded people, but that only happens for me when i express my true self.

alltherage said:

What do you do when you attempt to be true to yourself only to find that your uncertain about what the true is? I am bi, truely bi, and I have wrestled with this for years. I have friends who suggest to me that I am lesbian and afraid to admit it and others who tell me that I am really straight but afraid of commitment. There view is that my bi-sexuality keeps me from truely committing to a realtionship. In my heart I know that they are wrong but for the life of me I don't know the truth myself. I know that finding a lasting relationship will be very difficult. Most people I meet consider monogomy to be a vital part of long term relationships. It is difficult to give anyone that when my desires dictate that I have more than one lover. I ask myself often if I am selfish in this view. Perhaps I am but I also know it is part of the truth of me that I love sex with both genders. I wish my life were simpler.

Click to expand...

alltherage,
i wouldn't say that you are afraid of commitment, or any of the other things said above. It seems you are a part of a precious few people i've met in my life that are beginning to accept the fact that one single person can not possibly be the all, and end all for another person. we are far more complex then that.
i am fairly passionate about this subject and similar ones, so i will just stop at that, anyone interested in my ideas on love, sex and polyamory feel free to pm me, or we can start a different thread to discuss it =)

P. B. Walker said:

I have a question, and if I'm stepping on toes or being out of line, please let me know. I don't mean to insult anyone or anything like that. I'm just curious after reading some of the recent posts about not being able to live without BDSM. Well, not so much live without it, but rather not being able to enjoy a sexual encounter that does not include elements of BDSM. So my question is...

Was there something that caused this situation in you (i.e., some event in your life or something in your upbringing) or do you feel that this was something you were born with? I guess this is similar to the debate about homosexuals being born that way or did their upbringing cause them to be that way. I'm not homosexual, but I know many people that are (many very close friends in fact). From my discussions with them, I believe that it's something they are born with. It's just part of their physical and mental make up. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it. It's like being born with blue eyes instead of green eyes. It's something beyond your control.

Do the people that said they cannot live without BDSM feel that it was something they were born with or is it a learned behavior?

If this is something that has been debated in this thread before, please let me know, and I'll start reading. I just know this thread is huge and I don't have the time to read 20 or 30 pages of posts. But this really does interest me. I've been interested in the D/s world quite a bit and have mixed feelings on where I would fit into it. Or if I even fit in at all.

Anyhoo... thanks for indulging a "not-so-vanilla" guy asking questions

- PBW

Click to expand...

my first time was with an older man with black velvet and a bullwhip in my teens... i learned a lot about myself from him.
after that, for me personally, while in an equal relationship i found myself restless and discontent and i couldn't put my finger on why... until i saw, and felt "it" again.
while i don't really understand if it was learned from that time on, or if it was something inside me just waiting to be realized, what i do know is that it, and my safety... emotionally, spiritually, and physically are all my responsibility now. (as was mentioned it's easy to fall into relationships as a sub with 'control freaks' )

geri said:

just a thought here. i could not have come to admit much less practice what was in my soul until Magister came along and helped me free myself. He did not expect me (does not expect me) to be the perfect slave. indeed, much of the joy and pleasure W/we share is due to the growth in both of U/us in our prespective roles.

Click to expand...

Geri, beautifully spoken =)

This one,
all i have to add to this, is to relax and enjoy the process!! you will only be where you are once don't miss it looking to far forward.

Thanks for your answers everyone. It definitely sounds like it's something that is inside you from the start. Although, I'm sure there are exceptions to that.. just like everything else.

Another (probably very stupid question)... how can you really tell if you are submissive or dominant? Especially if you feel urges toward both?

- PBW

Re: a silly little thought

Trinka said:

it just gives me a giggle every once in a while...why do I have to "submit" my response? Can't I "send" it?

*tongue in cheek* Does anyone else have this vision of a computer geek dom out there maniacally laughing while labeling buttons "submit" so the rest of us will have to submit to him/her?

Click to expand...

<<sticks her tongue out at Trinka>> thank you very much... now i do!!! LOL

(okay all caught up now, last time i leave this thread for days lol)

P. B. Walker said:

I have a question, and if I'm stepping on toes or being out of line, please let me know. I don't mean to insult anyone or anything like that. I'm just curious after reading some of the recent posts about not being able to live without BDSM. Well, not so much live without it, but rather not being able to enjoy a sexual encounter that does not include elements of BDSM. So my question is...

Was there something that caused this situation in you (i.e., some event in your life or something in your upbringing) or do you feel that this was something you were born with? I guess this is similar to the debate about homosexuals being born that way or did their upbringing cause them to be that way. I'm not homosexual, but I know many people that are (many very close friends in fact). From my discussions with them, I believe that it's something they are born with. It's just part of their physical and mental make up. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it. It's like being born with blue eyes instead of green eyes. It's something beyond your control.

Do the people that said they cannot live without BDSM feel that it was something they were born with or is it a learned behavior?

If this is something that has been debated in this thread before, please let me know, and I'll start reading. I just know this thread is huge and I don't have the time to read 20 or 30 pages of posts. But this really does interest me. I've been interested in the D/s world quite a bit and have mixed feelings on where I would fit into it. Or if I even fit in at all.

Anyhoo... thanks for indulging a "not-so-vanilla" guy asking questions

- PBW

Click to expand...

Heh.

I'm pretty sure we've had the thread a couple of times over in the General Forum, but I'm too lazy to twist the "search" feature's tail for the links. I never contributed to those threads, mainly because I only "came out" of the BDSM "closet" a relative few months ago. With me, it wasn't exactly anything that happened to me growing up that caused my feelings, it was more like those experiences showing me something about myself; the time I got stuck and needed some help getting out of handcuffs when I was practicing my Houdini routine for a grade school talent show; the first time I got spanked by someone who wasn't a parent; some of the images and scenes I'd been exposed to in my life didn't cause an interest in BDSM: they helped me define within myself, just what I already had an interest in.

And as to indulging your questions?

Anyone who asks a question in a courteous manner, gets a reply in similar vein.

That's the most effective way to communicate.

P. B. Walker said:

how can you really tell if you are submissive or dominant? Especially if you feel urges toward both?
- PBW

Click to expand...

Do you sometimes like chocolate but at other times crave vanilla? And still at other times you simply must have strawberry?

Why do you expect your sexual inclinations to be the same? Heck, I like vanilla sex. AND I like playing the part of the subbie. I WANT to try topping someday.

I see no conflict. Anyone who tells you there is, is insecure and is trying to bully others into thinking what (s)he thinks just to validate his/her own wants.

P. B. Walker said:

Thanks for your answers everyone. It definitely sounds like it's something that is inside you from the start. Although, I'm sure there are exceptions to that.. just like everything else.

Another (probably very stupid question)... how can you really tell if you are submissive or dominant? Especially if you feel urges toward both?

- PBW

Click to expand...

You are welcome. And no, no question is stupid.

Sub vs Dom? Research, exploration, experimentation perhaps?

It may take some time to find where the pieces of your persona and your sexuality fit together. There is no niche to fall into. Even once finding that I was a sub, then I needed to come to grips with that and learn what being a sub meant for me. It is all very individualized and can be confusing .

Good luck.

P. B. Walker said:

Thanks for your answers everyone. It definitely sounds like it's something that is inside you from the start. Although, I'm sure there are exceptions to that.. just like everything else.

Another (probably very stupid question)... how can you really tell if you are submissive or dominant? Especially if you feel urges toward both?

- PBW

Click to expand...

Man, you are just full of 'em, aren't ya?

We've apparently got a neat little labeled pigeonhole for this, marked "Switch". Near as I can tell, I'm one, albeit a playful one.

I'd say I'm about 55/45, more sub than Dom, but I've got a wicked imagination that likes to turn some stuff out once in a while.

<SHRUG> I just like to take charge every once in a while, but I'm content with others setting the course for me most of the time; I feel alive when I have a challenge, for all my whining, bitching, and self-pity-ing. (I'm over that by the way; I think it was being alone for yet another damn Valentine's day that got me down.)

And yes, Miss T, geri, and Magister, it is an individual (joint) effort to discover what kind of <label here> you are, be it Dom/me, sub, Switch, what-ever. It's also, for those of us with some acronym in our sexual identity, a very rewarding effort; a metaphor for life itself, WITH THE VOLUME CRANKED WAY UP. There's risk, there's challenge. There's success, there's failure. There's always some expansion of self-knowledge.

edited to include acknowledgement of individuality

Thanks again for answering my questions ya'll. It sounds like it's very important to figure out which category you fall into first before you go off exploring. From my brief reading here and other discussions online, I get the distinct impression that trust is a major issue in a D/s relationship. And trust takes time to build. It would be very weird if you took the time to start a relationship and build up the trust, and then find out your not really what you think you are. For example, if I thought I was a Dom and found an interesting subbie that I connected with, we spent time together and built up a good level of trust, and then when the moment of truth comes ... and you find out you really don't like being a Dom and it's really not your thing... it would be almost like a betrayal to her... portraying yourself as something your not that whole time...

does that sound right? or am I grasping at straws?

and the process of finding someone... must be very difficult.

Again, thanks for your time and answers all.

- PBW

P. B. Walker said:

Thanks for your answers everyone. It definitely sounds like it's something that is inside you from the start. Although, I'm sure there are exceptions to that.. just like everything else.

Another (probably very stupid question)... how can you really tell if you are submissive or dominant? Especially if you feel urges toward both?

- PBW

Click to expand...

There are no stupid questions P.B. If you don't ask how will you ever know?

I am not nearly as articulate as many on this thread but here are some of my opinions and frequent rantings;


If you have urges towards both you may be a "switch" but....
even with all the advice, opinions and stories written here;
YOU decide what BDSM means to you. YOU decide if you have a submissive or dominate personality. YOU decide what is pleasure and what is pain.

A couple of questions for you to think about....
Does your mind scream "NO!!!!!" when told, or even asked, to do something you prefer not to do? Do you like the idea of having someone else "in charge" or do you want to be the one always "calling the shots?" Does the idea of "serving" another appeal to you?

Remember YOU are the only person who can decide how your life will go. That includes letting someone else take charge of it.

Why label who or what you are? The labels only fit some of the time, don't they?

MysCynthia,

those are all very good questions to ask myself. Some of them I can answer right off.... but most of them kind of have a "well in this situation it would be this, and in that situation it would be that" kinda of answer. For example:

Does your mind scream "NO!!!!!" when told, or even asked, to do something you prefer not to do?

Click to expand...

the answer to that very much depends on what I'm told (or asked) to do. If I were told to walk naked down a street in the middle of the day... HELL NO... if I were told to wear panties or panti-hose under my pants when I go to work... mmm I wouldn't want to do it but I would... and I would probably enjoy the novelity of it and knowing that I was following orders like a "good boy" lol. I guess it all depends on the how badly I don't want to do it. But the thought of tell or asking someone to do something like that is a turn-on also. And knowing it was a turn-on for the person I was telling to do such an action would be a turn on for me.

So... unfortunately I don't have any easy answers. Guess that's life... the answers aren't supposed to be easy. .

Anyhoo.. again, thank you all for the information.

- PBW

MysCynthia said:

Why label who or what you are? The labels only fit some of the time, don't they?

Click to expand...

I keep forgetting there's no body language here, just words on a screen.

I use labels a lot; it's in part intended ironically. Picture a smirk of amusement when you read them from me, especially when I use the word "pigeonhole".

The part that's not ironic when I use them is the part that's looking for a way to express a thought or an idea.... the mental shorthand is already in place. Why re-invent the wheel, or type a fifty-six paragraph essay when a smirk and "Pigeonhole marked 'switch' " gets the job done?

You're right, though. The labels don't quite fit; they come from the quartermaster's office in two sizes: too large and too small.

My personal idea: What are dominants, switches, and submissives?

[lecture mode]

Very few people who identify as (call themselves) Dominant will switch, or if they do, it’s in such limited circumstances they may as well never switch.

Someone who identifies as submissive is the opposite. If someone calls themself a submissive, asking them to dominate you is pretty much a lost cause. It's their nature to submit, not to dominate.

It’s not interchangeable for most people.

If someone can go either way, even on occasion, they will likely refer to themselves as a switchb. A switch may be a gender switch, which means that they are submissive to one gender and dominate the other. They may be a situational switch, which means that in some situations they are dominant and some submissive, or it may all depend on how they perceive their partner. It also may depend on their mood at any particular time.

Switches are not people who can’t make up their mind. They are people who can enjoy either side of the Power Exchange. However, switches aren't the most common players. Most people are either dominant or submissive.

Men who address submissive women with “yo, bitch, on your knees” are demonstrating total cluelessness. Just because a woman is submissive never ever means that she’s going to be submissive to you.

If someone generally unknown to you insists “On your knees, NOW bitch,” they've only made it clear that they not only know nothing of real world BDSM, but that they are unlikely to have any respect for you as a submissive.

Submissive men and women are some of the strongest people on earth because we can give our entire will to the person of our choice. The key phrase here, however, is Person Of Our Choice. We decide to whom we wish to offer our submission. Always. It cannot be forced from us. It cannot be guilted from us. Either it[s a gift of love and trust or it's outside the boundries of BDSM and into the realm of non-consent. There is no middle ground in this matter of submission.

For all of us in this lifestyle, always, the only overriding motto that binds us together at all is this: Safe Sane and Consensual. BDSM is not about abuse. It's about people doing things to other people, and everyone involved wanting to be involved. It's about the expression of our sexuality in a safe and consensual manner. It's about being who we are, at our most feral and primitive.

[/lecture mode]

alltherage
What do you do when you attempt to be true to yourself only to find that your uncertain about what the true is? I am bi, truely bi, and I have wrestled with this for years.

You wait, darlin', until you find the person who will not only accept in your unique sexuality and help you to find the fulfillment you need, but who will rejoice in your needs along with you.

They're out there, those tolerant and sexy folks, and some of them are wondering where you are.

You remember who you are and what you need - and you never ever ever settle for less. If you settle, then 20 years down the line, after your life is half gone, you'll have to make a change because you cannot go another year being only half the person you need to be.



P. B. Walker
Do the people that said they cannot live without BDSM feel that it was something they were born with or is it a learned behavior?

It is different for us all.

There is evidence to support the hypothesis that many submissives were abused as girls, and turned to BDSM for... well, whatever those reasons would be. We all know that studies can be made to say anything the author desires though, so i don't take anything any of them say too much to heart.

Some feel they were born being sexually submissive, like some of us are born being lefties or with brown hair. I am of this group.

Some of us came to this slowly, some came to it immediately upon becoming senxally active, some say they've been sexually submissive before they even knoew what "sexual" meant.

Some of us have been doing it since we were teenagers, some for 10 years, some are just beginning, and some are afraid to actually do anything yet, content to stay on the sidelines for now, reading, listening, learning.

I know this for certain: as one learns more about her sexual needs and responses, she become more proficient in finding that which she needs to be a fully sexual person. In a way and in answer to your original question, it is true that BDSM sexuality is a learned and conditioned response. It feels good, right, wonderful - and we want more.

Such is human nature, i think, and not limited to those of us who explore into these depths.




Trinka

Just a couple days ago a Dominant i'm coming to know said to me rather peevishly that everything one has to do on the net involves "submitting".

I just smiled.





this one

Please please please please please please... i'm begging you here... please please please please register a nick and stop referring to yourself in the third person.

We're all people here.
We have jobs.
We have kids.
We have good days and bad days.
We own dogs and cats.
Our cars sometimes run out of gas.
Our trash doesn't get picked up.
Our checking accounts get mysteriously overdrawn.
The neighbors rave about our chocolate chip cookies.
The mailman always brings the packages to our door instaed of making us go to the post office for them.
The guy manning the express lane at the grocery store always asks us how we are with a big smile of wlecome on his face.

We are real people.

The Goreans would really appreciate your use of the the third person.
Here, we are just ourselves: no acts, no masks, no roles.


Everyone else? Please slap me if i'm being too hard about the third person stuff cuz this one won't, for sure. It's just that all online places have a particular ambiance, it seems, and this small corner is no exception. We haven't ever done the W/we thing, nor have we done the third person thing - even our Gorean member (Steamy Chik) didn't do it. We certainly don't talk that way out in our real lives, at our play parties and munches and in session with our partner. Why would we here?

P.B.
there are other ways to explore your feelings and desires about D/s. i tend to think of it as bedroom play. there isn't a lot of trust involved to spank somebody barehanded, or ask them to spank you... how does it feel? for me the novelty of spanking, or being the top was neat, but it didn't feel right. i found it just felt right when i was the submissive in, any situation.
for the times i like to have a hand in things (the scenes - rewards or punishments), i just write or find stories about what i'd like, or drop hints, pictures etc with things i would like to see happen. they will usually find their way into life, now i should be quiet i'm giving away my secrets!

Trinka said:

PBW - I can only speak for myself. Deep down inside, I have always known what my sexual and relationship interests/styles were, just not "what" they were. I hope that makes sense. I am a person who usually, somehow ends up taking over whatever I do. *grin* I don't know how it happens, it just does. I remember as a kid my grandma saying to me "You are so domineering..." You wanna bet I looked that up in the dictionary I am generally the dominant person in my personal and business relationships.

To use your example, for me, it is like being born with brown eyes instead of blue. I can put contact lenses on to change my eye color, but I still see out of my brown eyes. I did not know anyone who has the same interests as I do until recently. I would suggest finding some local groups or people you can chat with. I know this has made a huge difference for me and hope it will help you too.

Click to expand...

It's the same here, Trinka. I always had those dominant feelings, uh and domineering... yeah... I was accused of that too.
When I finally found the name for my feelings and started to explore, I found an explanation for some of my reactions, that had me wondering before.
My mom told me once you move like your father, I thought that very odd, after all he died when I was 6 years old, but I think that's again my dominant personality. And lately when I came out to a dear friend, she told me that she sometimes viewed me as a rival, something she normaly only felt with men. She told me too that she has noticed the change in me, we know each other for more than 10 years and when I asked her when she noticed, it correlated with my realisation of being a dominant woman.

In my business life I'm dominant as well, as an IT trainer and consultant, I can even live it without being considered weird. In a lot of my trainings I'm the only woman in the room and :gasp: I'm the one who's teaching. I regularly walk into rooms full of men, other female consultants have told me that they always felt strange doing this. Well, I felt strange not feeling strange!

So, yes, I think I was born dominant, it's part of my life and I'm really happy that I finally recognised it.

Monika

I don't know, cym, honey... I think "this one's" communication style is kind of sweet. After all, she did register "this one" as her nick.


this one, dear, I'll tell you what I told geri, when the topic came up. In our personal conversations, we do use the artificial capitalization rules, like W/we and O/our. We do that to reinforce our relative positions, plus it is kind of fun to be constantly reminded of it as we type. However, when posting here, for others to read, I have her use standard grammar rules, with the sole exception that I insist she NEVER use a capital letter to refer to herself.

I do that, so she is alway reminded of her place, every time her letter hits the 'i' key. In your case, you may be finding it a valuable tool for you to enter that submissive mindset known as subspace. Seeing as you don't have a Master yet, I can't blame you for using whatever means you have available.

However, if you can still refer to yourself in the first person without major discomfort, perhaps you could do as geri does, and use 'i' and the lower case at all times. That way, your posts would be much easier for other people to read.