Feedback request: Senior Year

I posted my first story here not long ago. The first two parts have been reviewed alright and I've gotten some nice comments, which is encouraging, but nothing that really helps me get better as a writer. What I'm really looking for is an outside perspective: what worked, what didn't, if you noticed pacing problems, if you were able to identify with one of the character, etc. If anyone here could spare the time to give me some feedback, I'd appreciate it. I submitted under "first time" but it got classified as "Gay male".

https://www.literotica.com/s/senior-year-pt-01
https://www.literotica.com/s/senior-year-pt-02

Yeah, Gay Male is one of those "Trump categories" that overtakes almost every other category, reason being that 99% of people looking in First Time aren't looking for gay. You'll get a better viewership and better ratings in GM.

Lemme take a look and see how I can help.

I'm already seeing a few grammatical errors, but they're easily overlooked and easily fixed. Let's move forward.

I was actually going to say that I didn't feel a huge draw into the story, but hell, the sex scene in the first chapter was actually very good. I felt it had the right amount of awkward intrigue that you usually expect from a guy's first time.

I think my only complaint abut chapter one is that I would have liked a little more dialogue. Not during the sex scene, no, you had just the right amount there, but it needed a little more pull in the beginning. Let's move on to chapter two.

Great start for the second chapter. Again, a few tiny grammatical errors, but nothing that can't be very easily fixed.

I think the "(yes I'm that old)" quote could probably be removed. Either replace it with something that sounds more natural, something that still tells us this is a teenage boy talking, or just forgo it completely.

The use of "pubic mound" near the start of the sex scene is... Not a turn-off, per se, but it just feels off. Usually that's something you use for a chick. I'm trying to think of something you could use instead... "Pubic area", "Base of the cock", something like that.

Yeah, no, the sex scene in this is great, too. You really have something here.

I think the reason you're getting comments like you are is because people are enthralled, but have no idea where the story is going or what advice they can give. You're actually in that top 5% of Lit authors who can put out a good story that doesn't need to be picked over or ridiculed or something.

I genuinely enjoyed the story and actually look forward to coming chapters. This feels like it was written from the heart, and now I don't even care if a single part of it is true. Keep it up, man.

Very sexy. 9 on my peter meter. Yo know how to leave your reader wanting more, how to lead us on. Your characters are very real Your dialog could use a bit of polish but I gave you a five ad a four and two favorites . If you ask anyone they will tell you that is high praise coming from me. Lots of errors, though. You need an editor. On the "yes I am that old" that is an aside. The sometimes work in drama, but a major rule of fiction is to keep yourself (the writer) out of the story, never talk directly to the reader. Yes it's 1st POV, but that's not the same thing.

Thanks for the feedback Asbel and robertreams. I use a lot of asides in the non-erotic fiction I write, but after you both point it out I agree, they don't really fit here. I'll also see about asking for an editor for part 3. Proofreading is not one of my strengths.
@robertreams, when you write that my dialog could use some polish, could you give me an example of something that stuck out for you?

your dialog seems a bit too accurate and correct for speech between two young guys, even college educated guys. It's weird because my usual complaint to authors is that they are not required to talk to their readers like valley girls. The two guys seem to be exploring m2m sexuality for the first time and there is much reticence and confusion, yet the only breaks in their conversation are ellipses. Which by the way should be written dot space dot space dot space . . . and should be used only when words are missing, not to indicate a regular pause, which should be a comma. I m talking about words like er and um. consider this:

"Ya know, (name) my family doesn't get back 'til Monday if you wanna come over again tomorrow." Quickly adding, "I mean,uh, not to uh, you know, do, er anything, no pressure, just to, uh, hang out. It's just that startin' on Monday I'm probably not gonna have any time for us to, hang out, say goodbye or anything, so, er, could ya? Come over?

"Sure, uh, yeah, uh, sure, I can come over," I said, afraid to commit, unsure what might happen if I went. Finally deciding I'd go, come what may. "Yeah, sure, I could do that. What time?"

Maybe not quite that much but a bit more hesitant, boyish.

By the way, I think you might enjoy two of my stories: "Best Friends" I and II and "Making Me". Please excuse any typos, I am getting used to a new lap top. PM me if you want more. https://www.literotica.com/s/best-friends-47; https://www.literotica.com/s/making-me

Ok, I get what you mean now. I didn't think about it because the way I wrote the dialog was, believe it or not, pretty much the way I actually spoke when I was 18. I'll try to work on Chris' dialog for the next part and see if I can color it a bit more.
I'm look forward to your feedback on part 3. Thanks for the links, btw.

Holden, I know what you mean. I speak very much goodly English myself, but when I write it that way people say it is unrealistic. People call on the phone and ask for me. I respond :"This is he" every time they go, "HUH?"

Both excellent stories. Nicely paced, well written, good tension. You've got the teen-self-doubt thing down just right.

Thank for the feedback Carnevil9. I used to be a self-doubting teen, so it's not out of my way Now I just need to find the time to finish writing the next part.

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