judge me!

http://www.literotica.com/p/the-lorde-the-vampre-and-the-faerie*

84 reads: 0 feedback. Im dying. Will someone do me the favor of reading my latest fantasy poem (based on a real story) and giving me honest feedback? Im trying to prepare for a kinky poetry slam and am trying to perfectmy work/style. Thank you fellow poets!

The Lorde, The Vampre and the Faerie
>>> fixed yer link

BadKat135 said:

http://www.literotica.com/p/the-lorde-the-vampre-and-the-faerie*

84 reads: 0 feedback. Im dying. Will someone do me the favor of reading my latest fantasy poem (based on a real story) and giving me honest feedback? Im trying to prepare for a kinky poetry slam and am trying to perfectmy work/style. Thank you fellow poets!

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Hello, I would like to remind you that I'm one voice and most certainly not very qualified by professional standards to either edit or critique someone's writing. Please accept or reject any of my thoughts on your poem as you see fit. This is your writing and you have the ultimate control over how you post it.

I'm not picky about poetic structure as a rule, nor does it matter to me if a poem is free verse BUT my curiosity is roused when you say a fantasy poem is based on true events and so I went out of my way to find the piece of writing you wish comments on since your link is broken in the first post.

What made you submit this story as a poem? I fail to find enough poetic devices to keep me reading a True Blood-esque fanfic in the form of a bunch of oddly broken sentences. Perhaps some will disagree with me, but with all of the tell (you inform the reader of what they see) rather than show (suggesting details that point the reader into drawing their own images) going on, I became bored with the poem and stopped reading rather early on.

I really think you should consider trimming away what's not needed to move the story forward and bring this write down to a more manageable mouthful. Good luck.

p.s. Vampyre or vampire are generally accepted spellings of the undead blood-suckers you describe in your poems.

Like Champ I gave up before the end although I did try to stay with it. I've never been a fan of prose poetry, though many are so you may well have an audience, but to me line breaks do not a poem make.
By the way 'Pulling taught the hair' is spelled 'taut'

Hi, BadKat135. I'm going to give you some honest feedback, and you probably won't like what I'm about to say. However, it's not my intention to be rude, or to belittle your effort. Please notice that this is just my opinion, and that I'm a beginner in poetry, myself. Feel free to disregard my feedback if it doesn't help or do you any good.

First, about getting no comments: sometimes, getting no comment is a comment in itself. Either people don't have anything to say, or they don't feel like leaving a comment. The question you should ask yourself is: why?

Some thoughts.

A poem is art, like a painting, except you use words as the medium (not a canvas and paint).

When you write poetry, you're supposed to make the most out of each word. You're supposed to choose words carefully, keeping both meaning and aesthetics (visual and sonore) under constant consideration. A good poem engages the reader, creating resonance. It creates emotions and images in a reader's mind.

As I reached the end of your poem, I was aware of a threesome, and I remembered the acts, but it didn't mean anything to me. I was told a story, but it didn't engage me, because it didn't become my story, and it didn't make me look through another person's eyes, either.

As Champ said above, your poem tells too much, when it should convey images and emotions. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but I'm not even sure if it is a poem. It looks like a story with funky line breaks to me. Consider this: the event you're telling us about is far less interesting (poetry-wise) than the fact that you've compared one person to a "lord", one person to a "vampre" and one person to a "faerie". You could actually have written a poem about that. Why is "Miss" a "vampre"? Make us feel, make us understand.

Your poem is also way too long. Poems can be long, of course, but a long poem magnifies every mistake you make. When you're supposed to make the most out of each word, having a lot of words to work with sets the challenge to hardcore. This is probably why you're not getting comments, too — as you can see above, people aren't reaching the end.

A suggestion: write short poems, work on using metaphors, similes, imagery. You could also hang around the forum here, there are challenges and threads that could help you.

This thread might be of interest:

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1002594

My first impression is, as a Lit poem, it's kind of long. There's nothing wrong with that, but it will reduce comments. Most people won't get to the bottom of the page.

I have no problem with prose poetry, as anyone who has read my work can see, but it's a delicate balance. One has to take advantage of poetic liberty. Prose poetry allows you to trim the excess and concentrate on the imagery. A lot of this poem could be called 'wordy'. It also lacks sensory images except the visual. The only sound are a taws hitting the fairy girls ass with a thud, and a little later an hand which slaps.

The fangs of the Miss thrust over her simpering lips,
Like switch blades being thrust open before a fight.

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This just doesn't work. Lips retract, recede, etc, to reveal fangs. Fangs don't thrust over over lips."Simpering" usually means silly or effected. The switchblade image doesn't help, either.


This is the core of the thing. Words have meaning and meaning molds the metaphor(see what I did there?). If you want your reader to see, hear, feel, and taste the experience, only the words can do this for you.

With the exception of the spelling errors, it is competently written and well enough to convey what is happening from a voyeur's perspective.

Length is not an obstacle if your readers are engaged.

I read the entire thing, but I was not engaged to the point of being easily distracted several times.

You mentioned 'your style', which this has none whatsoever.

To give it 'a style', I would rewrite it to mimic the lyrics of a favorite song of yours that reminds you of vampires and fairies and lords - but with some additional or bonus verses. It doesn't have to rhyme.

To give it 'your style', conjure up your own original music and then write the lyrics. Again, it doesn't have to rhyme.

Try it either way or both ways and challenge yourself to trim out the excess while introducing musicality.

gratitude!

I love you lit guys! Youre always so honest and help me out with honest feedback!! Thanks a million!

BadKat135 said:

I love you lit guys! Youre always so honest and help me out with honest feedback!! Thanks a million!

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This is a very good attitude!
Hi, I am a fan of prose poetry, that is all I write (so I'm told) so now I shall proceed to offer you some bad advice:
In a longer piece you need poetic tools.
Try rewriting it to the tune of Song of Hiawatha
and combine it with a form like Terza Rima which is Italian for three way rim job
which means you will have to learn feminine rhyme (which means without balls, I think)
This is a poetic strategy known as forcing the issue, i.e. once they start they will have to finish...or drop from exhaustion

Just kidding
No, not really

twelveoone said:

This is a very good attitude!
Hi, I am a fan of prose poetry, that is all I write (so I'm told) so now I shall proceed to offer you some bad advice:
In a longer piece you need poetic tools.
Try rewriting it to the tune of Song of Hiawatha
and combine it with a form like Terza Rima which is Italian for three way rim job
which means you will have to learn feminine rhyme (which means without balls, I think)
This is a poetic strategy known as forcing the issue, i.e. once they start they will have to finish...or drop from exhaustion

Just kidding
No, not really

Click to expand...

He is saying: do your own thing, don't take any demand to use poetic tools too seriously.