First story published! Feedback please?

EDIT - I have made changes! http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1444066

A bit of background info since I know this place isn't exactly full of nerdy Pokemon fans. If you are, awesome, you can skip it!

Begin Background Info
Each Pokemon game has a group of villains known as Team something. For Sun and Moon, the most recent as of now (2017), it's Team Skull. All the villain teams are unique and most aim to use a legendary pokemon for world domination. Team Skull is as unique as they come, they're not after legendaries or much power at all, they're just a bunch of outcasts from the slums and broken families. Street punks, basically. The main conflict in Sun and Moon, while they contribute to it, actually comes from elsewhere. But you'll have to play the game yourself to find out!

I paired up the big boss of Team Skull and his right hand woman/second in command. They're a very believable ship after all.
End Background Info

Story is here

If anyone's interested enough, these two do end up with a son named Tyrone, who I created, and he's the spitting image of his father: messy white mop on his head and gray eyes. People in Pokemon can have a lot of different hair and eye colors, yep. The romantic romp in the story doesn't make him though, she's on birth control pills, I just couldn't find a place to mention that and it's probably not needed. Somewhere down the line she forgets to take it and along comes little Ty. Anyway I have some stuff with him in it that's offsite and sfw, so if you want to read it, just ask.

Questions? Comments? Concerns? Be nice, while this isn't my first smutty fic, it's the first one I've asked for feedback on.

Okay. Uh... well, no, I don't know anything about Pokemon. I do know something about trying to write genre fic for broader audiences, though. Fleshing this out with a bit more description and context might help to get non-fandom on board, give them a reason to care about the characters and why they're fucking.

You bring across anime's signature brand of slapstick comedy pretty effectively. I can actually picture the Anime Drooling Guy Face at one point. So, marks for that.

The sex is quite brief, almost perfunctory, and to be totes honest if that's excitement enough to make the heroine fall in love with her beau, I feel pretty bad for her.

(I get that you're trying to sell a kind of First Time narrative here and that you're playing by Anime Comedy Rules where things happen rapid-fire, but even so, I humbly submit you want more buildup to a moment like that. One option is to give the foreplay a little more room to breathe, another is to give them a second, longer romp to go with the first before getting to "I'm yours." Or both.)

CyranoJ said:

Okay. Uh... well, no, I don't know anything about Pokemon. I do know something about trying to write genre fic for broader audiences, though. Fleshing this out with a bit more description and context might help to get non-fandom on board, give them a reason to care about the characters and why they're fucking.

You bring across anime's signature brand of slapstick comedy pretty effectively. I can actually picture the Anime Drooling Guy Face at one point. So, marks for that.

The sex is quite brief, almost perfunctory, and to be totes honest if that's excitement enough to make the heroine fall in love with her beau, I feel pretty bad for her.

(I get that you're trying to sell a kind of First Time narrative here and that you're playing by Anime Comedy Rules where things happen rapid-fire, but even so, I humbly submit you want more buildup to a moment like that. One option is to give the foreplay a little more room to breathe, another is to give them a second, longer romp to go with the first before getting to "I'm yours." Or both.)

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Fair enough! Thanks, it's appreciated

Well, there likely was some hidden feelings in there for both of them. They were childhood friends and kinda grew up together. But I can see your point, more context would be a good thing. As far as the "that was all that it took?" goes, maybe her dialogue there was a "heat of the moment" kind of thing. I'd assume falling in love with the person at least temporarily afterward is common enough. Before the hormones calm down and stuff. But with more context I'm sure I can sell that they actually end up together.

A second romp though? That might have to be the next day or something because of the male "recharging time", which seems to be ignored a lot. The average joe can NOT just go back for a round 2 right away and have it be just as intense or longer than round 1. Granted the only reason I know this is because of wikipedia, but yeah.

I'll keep your advice in mind if/when I ever go back to it.

DragonCat91 said:

As far as the "that was all that it took?" goes, maybe her dialogue there was a "heat of the moment" kind of thing. I'd assume falling in love with the person at least temporarily afterward is common enough.

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After really mind-blowing sex, yes.

A second romp though? That might have to be the next day or something because of the male "recharging time", which seems to be ignored a lot.

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1 / A young active male in reasonably good health should generally be able to go a second round within relatively short order. It's at the very least not implausible; it's something I was able to do when I was in my twenties / early thirties and I'm very far from being a porn star. Whether the dude in question can produce fertile sperm again that quickly is more doubtful but also not important to your scenario. Going three rounds or more is in Porn Heroic Demi-Deity sort of territory, and such specimens are improbably common in many erotic stories, but then again

2 / People mostly don't read erotic stories to fantasize about the "average joe." Anyway,

3 / You can easily just include a time cut in your story to get around whatever limits you choose to impose on your protagonists.

Most of all though,

4/ You're writing in a universe where people have capturing monsters in metal spheres as a hobby, in a story where you have literally had the characters do cartoon anime reactions to events. You're not bound by the laws of realism.

(At any rate "going a second round" is just one of the available options.)

Good points. Even fanfics have to have some realism though. I tend to try to make things as believable as possible. Even in a world with magical battle pets that can shrink to fit in little capsules and be transferred electronically via PC.

This dude is quite goofy and animated in canon too, so his reactions there would be in character and realistic for him even outside an anime setting. If you need proof, go on Youtube and find the Top 10 Best Team Skull Moments video by a person going by the name of Good Guy Gastly. Skip to the number 1 on the list around the 10 minute mark, or just look at the preview image. That's Ya Boy there, and he made that face when he was trapped in another dimension while insulting the player with his famous "Y'all are STUPID!" line. So I can only imagine his sex face lol. Oh, and the lady is in that video too, the part with her is number 3 I think.

Actually I'll link you to the video in question so you don't have to go digging. Completely optional of course. But yeah.

When I get around to it I plan on editing it to give them a round 2 about an hour later because I admit the "I'm yours" was a bit rushed. Or...you say you could do round 2s in your prime, so how long between rounds did you need, if you don't mind me asking? And I'd think it would take awhile to build up a good amount of "love juice" in there and locked and loaded and ready to go, so I bet round 2 wouldn't have as much fluids from him as round 1, right? It would vary, yeah...like I said I'm a sucker for realistic fantasy, if that makes sense at all. So I want to depict a couple who can be rough with each other and quite wild, but still pretty much average joes, not porn stars. Their first time together was generic, but you can bet the round 2 will be friskier and kinkier.

Thanks for your input. Means a lot to little ol' socially awkward virgin in real life me.

DragonCat91 said:

This dude is quite goofy and animated in canon too

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Fair enough.

When I get around to it I plan on editing it to give them a round 2 about an hour later because I admit the "I'm yours" was a bit rushed. Or...you say you could do round 2s in your prime, so how long between rounds did you need, if you don't mind me asking?

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It varied, but when that happened it tended to be quite quick. In retrospect I think the principle in question was "striking while the iron was hot" and the blood was still pumping, either allowing literally no lapse between first orgasm and getting on the go again--this involves having a partner who actually wants this, which in some cases there's too much sensitivity in immediate the wake of the act for that--or allowing only a couple of minutes' rest, five at the outside. Yes, on the second go-round there would generally be less ejaculate.

(I wouldn't count having sex in the evening and again in the morning as part of this; that's just separate sessions. But if the partners are spending a few lazy hours with each other, the kind where you lie in bed and cuddle, get up only when necessary and spend most of the time in the build-up to or cool-down from actual sex, you can cut bits of that together into a single scene. That's often the kind of situation that really leads to declarations of love, or at least has done IME.)

Thanks for your input. Means a lot to little ol' socially awkward virgin in real life me.

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No probs, good luck!

DragonCat91 said:

When I get around to it I plan on editing it to give them a round 2 about an hour later because I admit the "I'm yours" was a bit rushed. Or...you say you could do around 2s in your prime, so how long between rounds did you need, if you don't mind me asking?

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My advice as a writer is not to fuss with this story, leave it as it is. Move on and write another one, is how you will develop as a writer.

Can't comment on the niche you are writing in though, my relationship with Pokemon was via my two kids, buying them card packs for Christmas.

Re your other question, as a twenty year old I and my gf would wake up and fuck twice in the morning before getting out of bed, twice again that night before going to sleep. So for a healthy young buck, twenty minutes, half an hour, to rise again. We were a pair of root rats, it's fair to say - it sure doesn't happen that way any more, sigh... (except when I write about it, lol).

I see. These two do strike me as the type who would attempt a round 2, maybe some cuddling in between, but they're not hopeless romantics by any means. More of the type of people who would throw raunchy pickup lines at each other or just flat out say "I'm horny, let's go" and get to the point where he's got a raging boner and she's nearly dripping wet, and then get into a fight over who gets to be on top, and she manages to flip him over on his back, pin him down, and start riding him lol. Because the thought of her being able to hand his ass to him in a fight anyway is just hilarious. They are street punks, so they have to get into quite a few brawls on maybe a weekly basis, but not always with each other. Their whole group is like that. So basically there is love there eventually, but it's rough love.

From my understanding, the erection starts to go away after ejaculation, so I'm thinking about letting him have a small, dry orgasm first in round 2, then after a bit they climax together, and that's what seals the deal. It seems to be a cliche but it also seems to work well. The "they both have a mind blowing orgasm at the same time and it's true love after that". Wikipedia had some info on multiple orgasms but not much, so idk how plausable this would be. Round 2 will be like...half an hour later and start with more slapstick. About to bite each others' heads off because they can both get cranky over simple little things, plus there's still tension and raging hormones, and they end up screwing like rabbits again because he got a boner when she jumped on him and started punching him. Like his manhood had a mind of its own and remembered what was going on the last time she was that close to him.

I'd say they're both about early twenties, if that helps.

EDIT

electricblue66 said:

My advice as a writer is not to fuss with this story, leave it as it is. Move on and write another one, is how you will develop as a writer

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I like the idea of letting them go at it again though

electricblue66 said:

My advice as a writer is not to fuss with this story, leave it as it is. Move on and write another one, is how you will develop as a writer.

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Another thing to keep in mind is that "vanity edits" - where a writer fusses with something that has been submitted, and then finds things to improve or fix - get lowest priority from the site editor.

I can see though, that this story has got you wanting to "fix" it. I get that, but rewriting the same story after it's published is not going to really change anything - your reader response is established while it's on the "new stories" page, and tweaking it afterwards won't change much.

Whereas writing another will change something - it will make you a slightly better writer, and the next story too, and the one after that. Keep doing that and you'll learn your chops. And if the first story is so important, come back in a year's time, read it, think omg is it really that bad? And then rewrite it! It'll be better for it, because you'll be a better writer.

Rewriting is a basic part of improving stories, whether they've been posted or not. This exercise is of course most important for the writer; pace 'blue66 I'd advise against letting phrases like "vanity editing"(??) take up real estate in your head, editing is no more "vanity" than writing itself is.

Well here's the thing: here isn't the only place I'll post it. I'll submit the edit, yeah, but I'm planning on putting it on AO3 as well now. It's a fanfic site, more people will find it who are in the fandom there than here.

That being said, I know it won't matter much, but is the dry orgasm and then keeping a full erection until a bigger one with cum happens realistic and possible?

DragonCat91 said:

Well here's the thing: here isn't the only place I'll post it. I'll submit the edit, yeah, but I'm planning on putting it on AO3 as well now. It's a fanfic site, more people will find it who are in the fandom there than here.

That being said, I know it won't matter much, but is the dry orgasm and then keeping a full erection until a bigger one with cum happens realistic and possible?

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Not sure what a dry orgasm is. I've never had one, especially when I was in my 20's -- quite the opposite in fact.

You seem to be a bit defensive about your story and I don't think that is a good thing for a beginning writer.

You wrote what you wrote because you wanted to. Is it perfect? Certainly not, but it's a good start. Can you make it better? Yes of course.

Let me know if you are seeking more detailed help.

CyranoJ said:

Rewriting is a basic part of improving stories, whether they've been posted or not. This exercise is of course most important for the writer; pace 'blue66 I'd advise against letting phrases like "vanity editing"(??) take up real estate in your head, editing is no more "vanity" than writing itself is.

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The point's been made a number of times that writers better serve themselves by going through the agony of "getting it as best they can" the first time, before it's submitted - and if this means beta readers and finding an editor and doing the grunt work of preparing good copy, then that's what needs to be done - before it's submitted. We all find typos and stupid grammatical errors the micro-second a story goes up, but if the prep work is done right, there shouldn't be many and they shouldn't matter.

Submitting a story before it's ready does nobody any favours, least of all the writer. I'm not saying, don't rewrite, but I guess I am saying, "don't rewrite on company time". Don't half bake a cake...

I get that the OP is embroiled in this story. I'm saying, get stuck into the next one before you futz with the last one - you made the call to publish it, for better or worse, and that train has left the station. Catch the next one, don't run after the one disappearing round the bend.

Well, look, the guy isn't asking for basic typo and grammar correction. He got the basics right. He came here looking for feedback as to whether the story works, he got it and he's doing what he wants with it. I see no cause to accuse him of "vanity editing" for requesting feedback, getting it and actually making use of it, which it would seem to me is the ostensible purpose of the forum.

DragonCat91 said:

That being said, I know it won't matter much, but is the dry orgasm and then keeping a full erection until a bigger one with cum happens realistic and possible?

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I've never experienced a "dry orgasm" so I couldn't tell you. Maybe it's a thing? Pretty common for ejaculate to happen both times so I don't see a reason to avoid that, particularly.

CyranoJ said:

Well, look, the guy isn't asking for basic typo and grammar correction. He got the basics right. He came here looking for feedback as to whether the story works, he got it and he's doing what he wants with it. I see no cause to accuse him of "vanity editing" for requesting feedback, getting it and actually making use of it, which it would seem to me is the ostensible purpose of the forum.



I've never experienced a "dry orgasm" so I couldn't tell you. Maybe it's a thing? Pretty common for ejaculate to happen both times so I don't see a reason to avoid that, particularly.

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I'm female. Don't know why this site doesn't have a little gender checkbox. If I were male I'm pretty sure I'd know a lot more about the nuts and bolts of how the male parts work. Pun completely intended with "nuts". But yes. Isn't asking for feedback and wanting to fix anything that's less than perfect SUPPOSED to happen?

According to Wikipedia it is a thing. But if it's rare, then sure, round 2 will have him shooting two loads, although smaller ones than in round 1. And the first load will be from a handjob or blowjob, or both, one after the other. Fun fact: Out of all the smut I've written before, there has never been more than one orgasm for either of the characters, nor has there been a cumshot that lands somewhere other than in the lady's insides. So this is a fun little adventure for me. Vanity editing? NOPE! The second load will be a typical, internal, what I'm used to. Because of course she'd see the first one and go "Take me now...Fill me up, Stud." Maybe not that exact line. Or maybe yes. Depends.

I've gotten what I wanted to get and I'm satisfied, so I'm going to go ahead and hit the unsubscribe thing.

DragonCat91 said:

I'm female. Don't know why this site doesn't have a little gender checkbox.

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Ah, okay. Sorry about the assumption.

And about the weirdness you for some reason encountered here. Good luck with the story. Feel free to hit me by PM if you want further feedback.

Hm, this is interesting to me, because one of my series on hiatus right now is based on a manga/anime series, and I'm interested to see the way you translate manga conventions into prose form! I shall read closely.

what's pokeman

ya lost me there, it may be a good story, but personally would never get past the first pokeman reference.

I see that there is still new posts being made in this thread, but I've linked to a newer version in the OP, please direct comments to there, thanks!