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Ex gf confides in me about other men

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betamale30

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I’ve remained close friends with 1 of my long term ex girlfriends, she claims I’m her best friend and she feels like she can tell me anything. I just go along with it trying to be a nice guy. She recently signed up for a few dating sites and has been telling me
about It and asking me for advice about other men. She claims she knows I’ll be straight up with her and not just tell her what she wants to hear. I’ve been having a lot
Of mixed feelings about this, @ times It turns me on but other times makes me jealous because part of me wishes we could be back together.

Have any guys had any experience dealing with something like this? And for the women do you thing that she acts this way and talks to me about other guys she is completely done with chances of relationship with me and I’m 100% friendzone?
 
I had an ex girlfriend who would call me to discuss her latest date, sexual or otherwise and especially when she was drunk or feeling down. We didn’t split very friendly or talk too much immediately after the relationship but when things settled down she started this behaviour, my friends would tell me it was her way of making me jealous or gauging my reaction to see if I still liked her. Eventually I had to ask her to stop as it got irritating, almost like she was pushing me to see how far I could go before begging her to take me back or at least that’s how I felt. After an argument I told her I don’t mind being friends but the constant dating advice or details of her dates had to stop. I did still love the girl and some of the sexual details turned me on but it ended up too much listening to her moving on and pretty much throwing it in my face. Admittedly a drunken one night stand between us didn’t help matters. This girl was the only other woman besides my wife I wanted to marry and now I look back I’m sure I’d avoided a disastrous marriage there.
 
jakelc said:
I had an ex girlfriend who would call me to discuss her latest date, sexual or otherwise and especially when she was drunk or feeling down. We didn’t split very friendly or talk too much immediately after the relationship but when things settled down she started this behaviour, my friends would tell me it was her way of making me jealous or gauging my reaction to see if I still liked her. Eventually I had to ask her to stop as it got irritating, almost like she was pushing me to see how far I could go before begging her to take me back or at least that’s how I felt. After an argument I told her I don’t mind being friends but the constant dating advice or details of her dates had to stop. I did still love the girl and some of the sexual details turned me on but it ended up too much listening to her moving on and pretty much throwing it in my face. Admittedly a drunken one night stand between us didn’t help matters. This girl was the only other woman besides my wife I wanted to marry and now I look back I’m sure I’d avoided a disastrous marriage there.
Click to expand...

I had an almost identical experience. But she seemed very surprised by how much her stories turned me on.
 
betamale30 said:
I’ve remained close friends with 1 of my long term ex girlfriends, she claims I’m her best friend and she feels like she can tell me anything. I just go along with it trying to be a nice guy. She recently signed up for a few dating sites and has been telling me
about It and asking me for advice about other men. She claims she knows I’ll be straight up with her and not just tell her what she wants to hear. I’ve been having a lot
Of mixed feelings about this, @ times It turns me on but other times makes me jealous because part of me wishes we could be back together.

Have any guys had any experience dealing with something like this? And for the women do you thing that she acts this way and talks to me about other guys she is completely done with chances of relationship with me and I’m 100% friendzone?
Click to expand...

toxic relationship....
 
I would say it is doubtful that you have any chance with this girl.

Best case, take her at face value. You are in the friend zone and she likes having a "safe" guy to confide in. And by safe I mean a guy who has no shot at all because you have accepted that premise or she views you as easy to subdue.

Medium case, she sees this as a friend zone thing but deep down she likes having you pine after her....because it reinforces her ego, not because she has any intention of being with you.

Worst case She is aware of how you feel and likes rubbing your face in it a little bit. Probably to feed her own ego more so than direct malice (but who knows). Or maybe because she wants you around as a back-up - more as a source of comfort than because you will ever get that shot.

None of those scenarios lead you out of the friend zone. It might be different if you seek a cuckold role but only if she has any interest in that.

Who is initiating these discussions. I have had guys try a bit to hard to be friends when I know they want more. One of the best ways to manage their expectations is to talk about other men. Meanwhile it takes a certain degree of naivety to be really oblivious to how you feel or how this affects you. Is she that young or dumb or self involved that she wouldn't get it?.
 
policywank said:
I would say it is doubtful that you have any chance with this girl.

Best case, take her at face value. You are in the friend zone and she likes having a "safe" guy to confide in. And by safe I mean a guy who has no shot at all because you have accepted that premise or she views you as easy to subdue.

Medium case, she sees this as a friend zone thing but deep down she likes having you pine after her....because it reinforces her ego, not because she has any intention of being with you.

Worst case She is aware of how you feel and likes rubbing your face in it a little bit. Probably to feed her own ego more so than direct malice (but who knows). Or maybe because she wants you around as a back-up - more as a source of comfort than because you will ever get that shot.

None of those scenarios lead you out of the friend zone. It might be different if you seek a cuckold role but only if she has any interest in that.

Who is initiating these discussions. I have had guys try a bit to hard to be friends when I know they want more. One of the best ways to manage their expectations is to talk about other men. Meanwhile it takes a certain degree of naivety to be really oblivious to how you feel or how this affects you. Is she that young or dumb or self involved that she wouldn't get it?.
Click to expand...

I knew someone just like this woman when I was in my twenties. I was infatuated with her, but it felt like she was just teasing me with other men. It was always me who dropped her and she who would come roaring back to tease me again. Finally she disappeared for 30 years and then got in touch again long after we were both married -- it was just like old times, and not in a good way.

Is this a well-known behavioral pattern with certain immature women?
 
Justfantasies said:
I knew someone just like this woman when I was in my twenties. I was infatuated with her, but it felt like she was just teasing me with other men. It was always me who dropped her and she who would come roaring back to tease me again. Finally she disappeared for 30 years and then got in touch again long after we were both married -- it was just like old times, and not in a good way.

Is this a well-known behavioral pattern with certain immature women?
Click to expand...


That sounds like narcissism to me, manifested through behaviour that is inherently self-serving. There is an element of immaturity in being unable to move beyond that but I see it as a broader issue.

To me immaturity implies not knowing or truly understanding due to lack of experience. I can look back at my younger years and see where I led guys on inadvertently or did so knowingly with a selfish rationalization. That behaviour was a by-product of insecurity, vanity and naivety I suppose - all under the umbrella of immaturity. It wasn't right but I chalk it up as no more or less offensive than the many dumb and insensitive things many people do at that time in our lives.

But at some point we all cross a threshold where we know better. We have matured enough to understand the consequences of our actions. Maybe this is just semantics, but I am not sure if we can chalk up those actions to immaturity anymore unless we are literally too stupid or stunted in our growth to know better. If you know better and keep doing it then you are just an narcissistic asshole.

Unfortunately, while we all tend to grow out of immaturity there is no end to narcissistic assholes.....and they come in all genders, cultures and colours.

I don't mean to make this sound like an apology because there is no excuse. But there is an odd dynamic for an attractive and desirable woman whereby many are conditioned to see themselves through only that lense. There validation lies in being desirable. It isn't actually anymore shallow than the athlete or celebrity or powerful politician/executive who draws there sense of self from that place. By virtue of being feted for a certain characteristic they become dependent upon it.
 
policywank said:
That sounds like narcissism to me, manifested through behaviour that is inherently self-serving. There is an element of immaturity in being unable to move beyond that but I see it as a broader issue.

To me immaturity implies not knowing or truly understanding due to lack of experience. I can look back at my younger years and see where I led guys on inadvertently or did so knowingly with a selfish rationalization. That behaviour was a by-product of insecurity, vanity and naivety I suppose - all under the umbrella of immaturity. It wasn't right but I chalk it up as no more or less offensive than the many dumb and insensitive things many people do at that time in our lives.

But at some point we all cross a threshold where we know better. We have matured enough to understand the consequences of our actions. Maybe this is just semantics, but I am not sure if we can chalk up those actions to immaturity anymore unless we are literally too stupid or stunted in our growth to know better. If you know better and keep doing it then you are just an narcissistic asshole.

Unfortunately, while we all tend to grow out of immaturity there is no end to narcissistic assholes.....and they come in all genders, cultures and colours.

I don't mean to make this sound like an apology because there is no excuse. But there is an odd dynamic for an attractive and desirable woman whereby many are conditioned to see themselves through only that lense. There validation lies in being desirable. It isn't actually anymore shallow than the athlete or celebrity or powerful politician/executive who draws there sense of self from that place. By virtue of being feted for a certain characteristic they become dependent upon it.
Click to expand...

Thank you for the analysis, PW I never quite got over her. I was the one that did the breaking up, she kept coming back. i thought that must mean that she wanted me, but she didn't. She thought she was taunting me with other men, but it tuned me on instead.
 
Justfantasies said:
Thank you for the analysis, PW I never quite got over her. I was the one that did the breaking up, she kept coming back. i thought that must mean that she wanted me, but she didn't. She thought she was taunting me with other men, but it tuned me on instead.
Click to expand...

Well obviously she felt some connection to you even if it wasn’t productive. Maybe being the one to leave her made her want to even the score - still that means you mattered on some level.

I have known quite a few women who have genuine affection for men they don’t treat very well. Usually those narcissistic ones who simply don’t grow out of those unproductive behaviours in spite of how much they care for a man. The fact that she behaved badly and couldn’t be the right one doesn’t mean she couldn’t have felt as strongly about you as you did about her....or at least as strongly as she was capable of feeling about anybody other than herself.
 
policywank said:
Well obviously she felt some connection to you even if it wasn’t productive. Maybe being the one to leave her made her want to even the score - still that means you mattered on some level.

I have known quite a few women who have genuine affection for men they don’t treat very well. Usually those narcissistic ones who simply don’t grow out of those unproductive behaviours in spite of how much they care for a man. The fact that she behaved badly and couldn’t be the right one doesn’t mean she couldn’t have felt as strongly about you as you did about her....or at least as strongly as she was capable of feeling about anybody other than herself.
Click to expand...

"The fact that she behaved badly and couldn’t be the right one doesn’t mean she couldn’t have felt as strongly about you as you did about her....or at least as strongly as she was capable of feeling about anybody other than herself.

This could well be true. The fact that Helen sought me out after 30 years must mean something I suppose. After a few months we were e-mailing every day, sometimes several times a day, but Helen would never meet up with me. Finally, I told her that I was getting frustrated by just an e-mail relationship and wanted to end it. We did and I haven't heard from her in four years.

There were some sexual overtones, but nothing too explicit, except that she admitted to an affair when we were "together" in our 20s. Helen didn't tell her (much older) husband about our e-mailing, but I did tell my wife.
 
policywank; Who is initiating these discussions. I have had guys try a bit to hard to be friends when I know they want more. One of the best ways to manage their expectations is to talk about other men. Meanwhile it takes a certain degree of naivety to be really oblivious to how you feel or how this affects you. Is she that young or dumb or self involved that she wouldn't get it?.[/QUOTE said:
For the most part it’s all her initiating the convos. She will bring up a date she has lined up and tell me about the guy and ask if I think she’s wasting her time or not. When we talk afterwards maybe I feed into it by asking how it went, but i think that’s just natural to ask about something that’s going on in a friends life. She knows I know she went out with these guys so think It would be weirder to just ignore It. She doesn’t go into specifics about the things they do sexually, she’ll be short and just say “we hooked up” etc
Click to expand...
 
betamale30 said:
I’ve remained close friends with 1 of my long term ex girlfriends, she claims I’m her best friend and she feels like she can tell me anything. I just go along with it trying to be a nice guy. She recently signed up for a few dating sites and has been telling me
about It and asking me for advice about other men. She claims she knows I’ll be straight up with her and not just tell her what she wants to hear. I’ve been having a lot
Of mixed feelings about this, @ times It turns me on but other times makes me jealous because part of me wishes we could be back together.

Have any guys had any experience dealing with something like this? And for the women do you thing that she acts this way and talks to me about other guys she is completely done with chances of relationship with me and I’m 100% friendzone?
Click to expand...

I went through that. It's so tormenting. It never turned me on. It just reminded me of what we'd had together and what I's lost.

She's now happily married to another man. She and I remain Facebook friends. It is what it is.
 
betamale30 said:
For the most part it’s all her initiating the convos. She will bring up a date she has lined up and tell me about the guy and ask if I think she’s wasting her time or not. When we talk afterwards maybe I feed into it by asking how it went, but i think that’s just natural to ask about something that’s going on in a friends life. She knows I know she went out with these guys so think It would be weirder to just ignore It. She doesn’t go into specifics about the things they do sexually, she’ll be short and just say “we hooked up” etc
Click to expand...


That is sort of odd behaviour. You can't really have a well informed opinion on whether she is wasting her time or not if you haven't met the guy or seen their interaction first hand. Maybe she wants someone to tell her it is ok. Or likes telling you she "hooked up". Or likes teasing you. Or maybe she just isn't comfortable sharing this stuff with her girlfriends (is it possible they are less accepting of her inclination to fuck various guys). Whatever it is, nothing you have said leads me to believe she is planning to liberate you from the friend zone. But who knows. Have you made her aware that you still have feelings for her?
 
policywank said:
That is sort of odd behaviour. You can't really have a well informed opinion on whether she is wasting her time or not if you haven't met the guy or seen their interaction first hand. Maybe she wants someone to tell her it is ok. Or likes telling you she "hooked up". Or likes teasing you. Or maybe she just isn't comfortable sharing this stuff with her girlfriends (is it possible they are less accepting of her inclination to fuck various guys). Whatever it is, nothing you have said leads me to believe she is planning to liberate you from the friend zone. But who knows. Have you made her aware that you still have feelings for her?
Click to expand...

She is aware.

She would not be treating him as her gay best friend if she was not keenly aware of his interest. It's one part keeping him "in his place" and an equal part seeking validation.
 
I embarrassed to admit I'm currently doing the same thing right now with an ex, and you are all correct- I know he's trying to bust out of the 'friend zone' and I keep pushing him back into it by describing either how hot another guy is or I've got another guy I'm switching to. He keeps coming back for more, and I keep playing the game.

I'll end it.

Thanks, guys.
 
I had a female friend like this many years ago. All of our high school friends had moved away and Belinda and I would spend time hanging out. Of course, I'd have been happy to fuck her, but she kept is platonic and I played it cool.

She would have other guys come over. They'd think they were gonna fuck her and then they'd see me sitting there. It was a weird game she was playing. I didn't care because I had nothing better to do at that time.

Eventually, she and I had a 'moment' when I kissed her goodnight, which I never had before. For a second it was 50/50 if we were going to fuck, then the moment was over and I don't think I ever saw her again.

The friend zone sucks.
 
It seems like both men and women can practice this bad behavior. I never quite understood "being good friends" after breaking up? Breaking up is a negative not a positive, even the term says it all, lol. How can a person who was intimate with you now sit there and listen to stories of you being intimate with others? And dont start the hotwife or cuckold debate, it has no place here. Those are completely different venues and i have never heard of the practice continuing after the couple splits up. I was very...proud, yes proud of tiny tits's comment after she read how the other person feels when she has done this behavior. She wanted to end it immediately. Yes proud and i dont even know her, lol!
I have read all the comments, Lit users are among the most intelligent and caring people. You are all spot on! Sadly, this woman seems to be very egotistical OR she just doesnt care about Betamale. I dont know if she is doing this for malice or not, i dont know this woman. Nonetheless, her behavior is not a pleasant one. With people like this, whether it be a male or a female, best thing to do is leave them be. Stop answering the text, stop meeting them for coffee, stop everything. You are not in the "friend zone" because friends dont do stuff like this. "Here, sit right down and let me tell you all about my new lover and make you squirm for my entertainment because we both know there is no chance in hell that you will ever be with me again!" Friends dont do shit like that!!

Sadly, there are a lot of mean people out there Beta. Leave them alone, run away, drop them like a hot potato, all they will do is cause you pain.
 
Been there, done that and darn near gave up on women because of it.
 
I would agree with most of the others in that you are absolutely in the friend zone.

but I would add the twist that she knows exactly the position she puts you in and she knows how you feel about her.

I would almost guarantee that telling you about this stuff is a charge for her. Probably a sexual charge definitely an ego charge. Either way she is using her for her own satisfaction.

Which is a perfectly fine thing to be part of as long as you are aware. The two of you will never be more than friend zone and at some point is will likely end suddenly and with anger by one party or another.

In the mean time... use her right back. Get details from her when you give her advice, jack off to them and I wouldn't be shy about telling her so.
 
It is interesting how much we naturally try to analyze or understand what is going through someone’s head and why they treat us a certain way. I think maybe sometimes we imagine that they are being more deliberate than they really are when they aren’t really thinking about us one way or another at all.

All the time people treat others like minor characters in their script. When that happens they really don’t care about our motivations or feelings or anything. They just want us to do what they want. This woman wants to have an easily controlled guy listen to her talk about the other guys she is fucking. Who knows why but there is a very good chance that your feelings or the impact on you aren’t part of her equation at all. For her you are a bit character in a play that is all about her and her main concern is that you play the part assigned to you. Sit and listen or leave. The roles of the guys who fuck her are already filled and you weren’t invited to that audition. Sounds like she doesn’t have any more regard for their perspective than yours.
 
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policywank said:
It is interesting how much we naturally try to analyze or understand what is going through someone’s head and why they treat us a certain way. I think maybe sometimes we imagine that they are being more deliberate than they really are when they aren’t really thinking about us one way or another at all.

All the time people treat others like minor characters in their script. When that happens they really don’t care about our motivations or feelings or anything. They just want us to do what they want. This woman wants to have an easily controlled guy listen to her talk about the other guys she is fucking. Who knows why but there is a very good chance that your feelings or the impact on you aren’t part of her equation at all. For her you are a bit character in a play that is all about her and her main concern is that you play the part assigned to you. Sit and listen or leave. The roles of the guys who fuck her are already filled and you weren’t invited to that audition. Sounds like she doesn’t have any more regard for their perspective than yours.
Click to expand...


Brilliantly put and depressingly familiar. My errors -- and I bet that a lot of other guys have thought this too -- is to believe that I possess a magic power to upgrade myself from minor character to major one. And the fact she always comes back for more, shows that I stand a chance.
 
In the mean time... use her right back. Get details from her when you give her advice, jack off to them and I wouldn't be shy about telling her so.[/QUOTE]

This is what I’ve been trying to do, just not brave enough to tell her I’m jacking off to It lol
 
betamale30 said:
In the mean time... use her right back. Get details from her when you give her advice, jack off to them and I wouldn't be shy about telling her so.
Click to expand...

This is what I’ve been trying to do, just not brave enough to tell her I’m jacking off to It lol[/QUOTE]

May or may not be productive.

I certainly fantasize (present tense) about this woman a lot and imagined her being with a lot of men. Truth is that I don't know much about her sex life, just a few things that she shared with me.

Eventually, I told her that I didn't need her in my life and she went away a few years. Fantasies are fun, but I'd rather deal with realities
 
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