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Gunfight: UnderYourSpell vs. Nerk

CharleyH

CharleyH

Curioser and curiouser
Joined
May 7, 2003
Posts
16,771
You have 1 hour (and 5 minutes grace) to give us some brilliance. Please submit your poems to me via PM and with a title. As soon as both are submitted to me, I will post them below and judges will then have 24 hours to submit their results to me (again in PM).


The Challenge:

The poem in this challenge should have the use of nonsense words weaved throughout.

The poem can be about any subject of your choosing, but the form should follow these simple rules:
- rhyming couplets, in iambic tetrameter (8 syllables, da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM)
- between 4 couplets (8 lines) and 7 couplets (14 lines) per stanza
- minimum of 3 stanzas
- last rhyming couplet of each stanza must be the same (like a repeating chorus).

Click here for an example of this form.
Good luck to you both! xo
 
Poem #1

Fussocking My lady

And did you want to test our fate
upon this most auspicious date,
relying on my dash and derve
from one who only lives to serve?
My courtell rises oft in vain
for you to smash it down again,
beneath the rustle of your cape
I long to fussock moan and pape.

Spread now to me, oh lady fair,
the wondrous sliplets of your hair
it grows in gay profusion low
the very place that I would go
if ladies with low minions wed
I'd gladly carry you to bed,
beneath the rustle of your cape
I long to fussock moan and pape.

Too late milady now to pout
my courtell in will not come out,
your bounty is voluptuous fair,
driven extroven in thy lair.
Oh wondrous tithens she allows
and grambles as her body bows,
beneath the rustle of your cape
I long to fussock moan and pape.
 
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Poem #2

'ere ya go

f it helps to, you may, of course
Sing hymns until your voice grows hoarse
Since hearing is the last to go
To tell is better than to show
And so I write a simple rhyme
For these machines that mark the time
Awake I dream I hear her call
When her eyelids flutter we all
Seek recognition in her eyes
The oxygen pump whirs and sighs

Coming together by her bed
These empty bellies must be fed
My goodbyes are said, so I will
Stay home and throw meat on the grill
After dinner, they all will come
Drink coffee with whisky or rum
Remembering her, while the hot
Dusk settles outside, I cannot
Find recognition in her eyes
The oxygen pump whirs and sighs

Strategies for estranged cousin
And where to bed down the dozen
Gathered for the deathbed vigil
Wondering if ever it'll
Be my turn to sit by her side
And add my voice to those who cried
I read some words about the sky
above the lake she loved and I
See recognition in her eyes
The oxygen pump whirs and sighs
 
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CharleyH said:
You have 1 hour (and 5 minutes grace) to give us some brilliance. Please submit your poems to me via PM and with a title. As soon as both are submitted to me, I will post them below and judges will then have 24 hours to submit their results to me (again in PM).


The Challenge:

The poem in this challenge should have the use of nonsense words weaved throughout.

The poem can be about any subject of your choosing, but the form should follow these simple rules:
- rhyming couplets, in iambic tetrameter (8 syllables, da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM)
- between 4 couplets (8 lines) and 7 couplets (14 lines) per stanza
- minimum of 3 stanzas
- last rhyming couplet of each stanza must be the same (like a repeating chorus).

Click here for an example of this form.
Good luck to you both! xo
Click to expand...

fuck me...
 
Judges Comments

From Chippy:
Poem 1

lovely meter throughout this 8-lined, 3-versed piece that adheres to the rhyme-scheme and makes full use of nonsense words without losing any of its meaning. this write embodies droll passion wrapped in humour and puts me in mind of dallying courtiers in days of yore. :)

I'd have liked to have seen a comma after 'fussock' in each last line, making me read that with the slight pause enough to make for 3 actions, though my brain filled that in regardless - so, if the author intended it to be read with 'fussock moan' as one action, i admit to preferring my own interpretation. :devil: some small attention to punctuation in a few other spots would crisp this little gem up even further, imo, and it took me a couple of read-throughs to smooth out the rhythm of this line:
driven extroven in thy lair
Click to expand...
.
one line that really had me giggling aloud was:
my courtell in will not come out
Click to expand...

overall, with time restrictions enough to scare the pants of most of us here, a witty, smart, and fair saucy write!


Poem 2

the author of this write has followed the rhyme-scheme and gone with ten iambic lines per verse, so 1 additional rhyming couplet per verse when compared with its rival write. i don't find the absence of most punctuation a problem, as the line-breaks are doing their job well enough for me still to make sense of where each thought ends.

i did find myself stumbling every now and then with the meter, for example this line:
When her eyelids flutter we all
Click to expand...
and found myself placing the stress unusually on the 'gen' of 'oxygen' in order to make it scan as intended. any awkwardness to this, though, dissolves as the reps kick in. i also found myself tripping up and having to adjust my out-louding throughout v.2. this might be more a matter of dialect, though, since accents often lead to different pronunciations and timing differences when it comes to phrasing.

clever use of rhyming with 'vigil' and 'it'll' in v3, and some beautiful sentiments at the end, eschewing the maudlin with a light touch. as a poem, i really enjoyed this - how the narrator's voice describes to me the fuss and needs and hassle of what's needing doing whilst holding up the contrasting calm of the vigil. it is softly poignant at its close.
having said that, this poem branches off from the requirements of the write that state the need to use nonsense/invented words throughout the verses.

-----

so, i have to go for poem 1 for fulfilling the brief more thoroughly than poem 2, but would like to stress that both poems were well worth the reading and i applaud both the dudes for their creativeness!
Click to expand...

From Lauren Hynde:
I'd like to start by saying that Poem #2 is a remarkable work and it really struck a chord for me. Had come across both of these poems in different circumstances, outside the scope of this challenge, it would have probably captured by attention with a tighter grip than that of Poem #1. In part because of its more sombre subject matter and tone, in part because of the liberties it takes with the structure proposed, if feels like a more ambitious piece of writing. The subtle variations in the chorus couplet at the end of each stanza work out really well. What I don't easily get, however, is the sense of nonsense - either in terms of language, as was required in the formulation of the challenge, or even situationally. And when I say that I don't easily get that sense of nonsense, what I should say is I don't get it at all.

Poem #1, on the other hand, is all about nonsensical wordplay. On a first read, admittedly, I felt a little underwhelmed by how simple and easy it was to understand the words behind the words. On a second read, I felt impressed for the same reasons. It's such a fun poem to read, and it shows it must have been fun to write as well. Structurally, it's virtually spotless, dropping the iambic tetrameter only once that I could see. Poem #2 is a lot less consistent in that regard.

If I had to score both poems - which I do, since I'm a judge :p - I'd feel compelled to give Poem #2 a point for being a more ambitious and complex poem, but 2 points to Poem #1 for doing a better job of responding to the challenge, both in content and in form. It is my decision that Poem #1 should be the winner of this gunfight.
Click to expand...

From Remec:
I think, in terms of the Challenge, that poem 1 is definitely the winner.

Both poems did a very good job, I thought of keeping the rhythm (I had to resort to reciting parts of poem 2 aloud, though, since the enjambment of some of the lines throws me off when just reading it) and working the ending repetition nicely.

Poem 1, however, worked the nonsense words through the stanzas and made them sound like perfectly good words in their own right and not just placeholders for other words as sometimes happens when doing this sort of thing.
Click to expand...

By unanimous decision, the judges choose Poem #1 as the winner. Congratulations, UYS! :kiss:
 
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Probably too late now, but I should have mentioned that if there were any questions or clarifications needed, I'm checking this thread every five minutes.
 
my heart's going like a hammer here but if it's not right it's not ....... going to raid the drinks cabinet
 
CharleyH said:
You have 1 hour (and 5 minutes grace) to give us some brilliance. Please submit your poems to me via PM and with a title. As soon as both are submitted to me, I will post them below and judges will then have 24 hours to submit their results to me (again in PM).


The Challenge:

The poem in this challenge should have the use of nonsense words weaved throughout.

The poem can be about any subject of your choosing, but the form should follow these simple rules:
- rhyming couplets, in iambic tetrameter (8 syllables, da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM-da-DUM)
- between 4 couplets (8 lines) and 7 couplets (14 lines) per stanza
- minimum of 3 stanzas
- last rhyming couplet of each stanza must be the same (like a repeating chorus).

Click here for an example of this form.
Good luck to you both! xo
Click to expand...

You are a sadistic, ebul woman.
 
UnderYourSpell said:
well thank you kindly but I fear you are too young for me :) altho I suppose if you get me well and truly plastered who knows ....... ?
Click to expand...



who says it was addressed to you?

plastered, hmph.
*gets a trowel*
 
UnderYourSpell said:
well thank you kindly but I fear you are too young for me :) altho I suppose if you get me well and truly plastered who knows ....... ?
Click to expand...
HELL - I saw a doco last night about a 73 year old women who gets laid by 33 year olds on a constant basis. Granny go-go (as I like to call her) has tallied over 200 notches in her girdle over the last few (maybe one) years alone! Plastered? Ha! If that's all it took! :devil:
 
CharleyH said:
HELL - I saw a doco last night about a 73 year old women who gets laid by 33 year olds on a constant basis. Granny go-go (as I like to call her) has tallied over 200 notches in her girdle over the last few (maybe one) years alone! Plastered? Ha! If that's all it took! :devil:
Click to expand...

never fancy 'em younger and as for plastered ummm errr well methinks this bottle has a hole in it somewhere
 
UnderYourSpell said:
never fancy 'em younger and as for plastered ummm errr well methinks this bottle has a hole in it somewhere
Click to expand...
lol

Did I thank you both yet? THANK YOU! You've been fun and wonderful participants and I am so happy you both decided to take the leap and try out the challenge. :kiss::kiss::kiss:
 
CharleyH said:
lol

Did I thank you both yet? THANK YOU! You've been fun and wonderful participants and I am so happy you both decided to take the leap and try out the challenge. :kiss::kiss::kiss:
Click to expand...

well thank you for giving my brain cell an airing although on first reading what the actual challenge was it went straight through with no comprehension at all so I had to sit myself down and read it slowly several times. I don't know if it's easier or harder rhyming made up words, but thinking up a word that sounds as if it was right that's deffo harder
 
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