random musings

[ultramarineblue]

In spite of my needy desire for culture, I seriously only have to remind myself that this summer I shall get to travel a bit and experience the world. I got a reminder of that today - my passport came. I just hate that a Broadway production I always wanted to see again is nearby and I don't have the money to go. I really want to go but I've been bad and run my credit card up a bit. A little bit too up with mania and too loose with money. At least now my meds are pretty well in the right place.

Another thought is how different this place is from when I was last regularly posting. I barely recognize the names and don't know the rhythm of the place anymore. There are a lot of people I miss. The only thing that remains the same is that everything changes.

On a different note, I'm thinking of getting out of my current relationship. I just can't truly submit and I do desire that. Funny thing is my therapist thought this was just a passing phase but not so much. I much prefer the kinky. It really bothers me to end the relationship. I don't want to hurt him but it will. I told him that he would have to do certain things before I would ever consider taking our relationship to another level and he hasn't done those things with the main thing being supporting himself. He thinks he can but he can't. He doesn't really understand what that means and even though he has been very emotionally supportive (which I desperately need) I'm not able to support anyone other than myself. I can't really submit to someone who can't support himself. He is smart but just won't do anything to better his life. I probably won't have another relationship but that's ok too.

 

[ultramarineblue]

This afternoon as I drove home I thought about what exactly appeals to me about submission. One of the things I have thought about lately is that submission is about being, doing, becoming what the other wants. Of course if the people aren't compatible it doesn't work. There is an appeal about doing something for a limited time that is against ones nature to please someone else. This is a fine line though because it can push someone into territory beyond uncomfortable.

It is overwhelming to think of the different ways someone can submit. Making decisions about daily things could be either the job of the submissive or the dominant. The dominant could want that control over the submissive or it could be service to the dominant. I don't know that I fully even comprehend the difference. I'm not even sure where I fall on that. I think that I would rather give that control over to the dominant but that feels very selfish of me. Either way that is a fantasy for me right now and who knows what I would rather after really experiencing it.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I feel a bit presumptuous posting my thoughts. I also feel like I pretty much don't know what I'm talking about especially when I have so little experience.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

I think honest self expression is a beautiful and brave thing.

The dance of knowing what you like but really craving to just meet their needs and desires can be a tricky one. It's not that I am without form or clueless about what turns me on, but being their sexual needs chameleon seems to be the Drug I linger dark alleys to wait for.

You know the most about your own experience than anyone else ever could. If there is value in this navelgazing for you then it's worth it and I encourage you to continue. I have no doubt there are readers here who will relate and others that will disagree. Say what you want as so far you are a fine read as I ponder these things as well.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I think honest self expression is a beautiful and brave thing.

The dance of knowing what you like but really craving to just meet their needs and desires can be a tricky one. It's not that I am without form or clueless about what turns me on, but being their sexual needs chameleon seems to be the Drug I linger dark alleys to wait for.

You know the most about your own experience than anyone else ever could. If there is value in this navelgazing for you then it's worth it and I encourage you to continue. I have no doubt there are readers here who will relate and others that will disagree. Say what you want as so far you are a fine read as I ponder these things as well.

Thank you. It's helpful to have affirmation that what I write may be helpful to others. You put it best when you stated the dance can be tricky.

............

My thoughts today offered the realization that I wouldn't really be happy with an extreme. I like change. I like routine but then when the routine gets too established I need to shake it up. There is also the fact that being stubborn I wouldn't want to be told every detail. It's interesting to contemplate these things. It would be far more interesting to experience them more fully.

Unfortunately my day to day leaves little time to wonder or experience. I've recently started to appreciate unwinding during the day more. I've never been one to watch a lot of tv but I've started enjoying watching a show on netflix with a good story while I knit or crochet. I used to always have things going on in the evening but now I find I sometimes resent doing stuff in the evening especially a couple of nights in a row.

On another topic, I'm a horrible conversationalist. I don't know much about very many topics. I know a good bit about a few topics and not everyone wants to discuss those. I find myself wanting to say something but I'm not sure what to say. I've felt that feeling many times before on this board. I've read many great conversations here that I wish I could have added to but found no words to say thanks for making me think.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I want to be bound with rope and to feel the tightness of being bound. It's such a delicious feeling.

 

[FurryFury]

Bound and then iced perhaps?

 

[ultramarineblue]

Bound and then iced perhaps?

Ice could be a good thing. Although the ice falling from the sky needs to just stop.

 

[FurryFury]

Agreed on both counts!

Ice could be a good thing. Although the ice falling from the sky needs to just stop.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Agreed on both counts!

I gave up on being frustrated with the icy white stuff. I've got stuff I need to do and things come to a grinding halt with a few flakes. I'm concerned about driving in the morning when the slushy stuff on the road freezes. It is very pretty though. I'm still very glad I rarely have to deal with it. Fingers are crossed that I won't lose electricity. A transformer blew pretty near early and startled me. I can't believe how much it is snowing. I wonder if it will melt tomorrow.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Sending some warm and blooming spring thoughts your way.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Sending some warm and blooming spring thoughts your way.

Thank you. The world is quite beautiful blanketed in white. In spite of the rushing to complete tasks these last two days, I have taken a few moments to appreciate the quiet and beauty that snow creates. In some ways I'm now sad to see it start to disappear. However, I do look forward to warmth and the flowers and budding foliage of spring.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I haven't had much time to just think or be lately. It's difficult for me to be as busy as I have been this last week. Every single moment of down time has been used for me to unwind. It's very important for me to have my time to be alone. I don't function well at all if I don't get some alone time every day. I'm finding that the older I get the more time I need. I'm selfish with my time. I don't want to share it as much as I once did.

 

[ultramarineblue]

It's time for a road trip. Unfortunately that's not to happen right now. I think I want to go off somewhere by myself and explore. Money won't allow for that though.

My mood is strange. I'm restless. I've stayed up entirely too late when I've been working very hard to keep a more consistent bedtime. I'm listening to music that I don't listen to very often. It's nice to become reacquainted with good music.

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

It's time for a road trip. Unfortunately that's not to happen right now. I think I want to go off somewhere by myself and explore. Money won't allow for that though.

My mood is strange. I'm restless. I've stayed up entirely too late when I've been working very hard to keep a more consistent bedtime. I'm listening to music that I don't listen to very often. It's nice to become reacquainted with good music.

When I get like that, instead of traveling out, I travel in. It sounds like you are in a searching place that could be a wonderful inspiration to create. Not for a gift or a purpose like eating or pleasing anyone. But JUST for the sake of art and maybe exploring yourself.

What do you like to craft or make? If I don't really feel able to focus in a medium, I start with coloring with colored pencils or doodling. Or I wander in nature and do crayon or pastel rubbings until something really grabs my focus and I pause and explore whatever that is. Allow it to unfold and travel into your own creative self.

Music is my constant friend. The few dollars a month I pay for a Pandora account is worth it for the old music I already know and for giving me new music to explore.

 

[ultramarineblue]

When I get like that, instead of traveling out, I travel in. It sounds like you are in a searching place that could be a wonderful inspiration to create. Not for a gift or a purpose like eating or pleasing anyone. But JUST for the sake of art and maybe exploring yourself.

What do you like to craft or make? If I don't really feel able to focus in a medium, I start with coloring with colored pencils or doodling. Or I wander in nature and do crayon or pastel rubbings until something really grabs my focus and I pause and explore whatever that is. Allow it to unfold and travel into your own creative self.

Music is my constant friend. The few dollars a month I pay for a Pandora account is worth it for the old music I already know and for giving me new music to explore.

That does sound very wise. I paint, draw, etc. I wish I had happened upon your post earlier today. Tomorrow brings a lot of busyness unfortunately so it may be a while before I can explore.

Pandora is a great thing, well worth the few dollars a month.

 

[All_4_Love]

I haven't had much time to just think or be lately. It's difficult for me to be as busy as I have been this last week. Every single moment of down time has been used for me to unwind. It's very important for me to have my time to be alone. I don't function well at all if I don't get some alone time every day. I'm finding that the older I get the more time I need. I'm selfish with my time. I don't want to share it as much as I once did.

Following...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I feel that I can relate to you on many levels. Sending good thoughts and well wishes your way...here's to finding our way back to inner peace...







Hi Curious! *hugs*

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Following...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I feel that I can relate to you on many levels. Sending good thoughts and well wishes your way...here's to finding our way back to inner peace...







Hi Curious! *hugs*

^that is a good one.

Hi Love. *Big hug* Hope you are well.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Following...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I feel that I can relate to you on many levels. Sending good thoughts and well wishes your way...here's to finding our way back to inner peace...







Hi Curious! *hugs*

Thank you.

 

[ultramarineblue]

I barely remember starting this thread. This was my first place to learn. From there, I joined fetlife and then started going to munches. I entered a relationship that had some positives but ultimately it wasn't what I needed. I still see him from time to time but we will only be friends.

Life has been intensely difficult since the beginning of September. Prior to that I started talking to a few people on fetlife. One intrigues me. I hope we can become great friends. I don't want more than that because I want to learn how to explore without getting too serious.

I still have crazy mood swings. I hate hormones. I take my medicine regularly. I try to be a good person. I fuck up in grand fashion though. I damage relationships. The worst part about it is that the other person won't admit their part in damaging the relationship. I don't have time for people that think they are perfect or expect me to never make a mistake. At least I apologize when I do. The crappy thing is one of those relationships happens to be in family which is making an already extremely difficult situation even worse.

I've started taking risks again. What an emotional roller coaster they can be. It's hard to make lasting connections with people. I really hope I've made a few recently.

 

[ultramarineblue]

Here's to hoping today's risk wasn't a deal breaker.

Aside from that I should have gone to med school. Fuck, not knowing is the worst for me.

 

[cookiecat]

Welcome back. It's interesting to come back and see where you were a year ago. If you've changed, moved forward. I joined in 2006 but didn't come back here until 2012 - which was a pretty short stint. Then came back again earlier this year.

Enjoy!

 

[ToPleaseHim]

Hey there, UMB!

 

[cascadiabound]

Welcome back ~ your little thread is an interesting read in introspection and a search for self discovery and how to meet your needs.

I know the board has turned over a lot since you were here last and most of us will not be familiar to you... but there are, as there always have been, I think, good folks here still. Just different ones.

cb

 

[ecstaticsub]

hello ultramarineblue ! Nice to see your name pop up again.