Youth, virginity, inexperience and BDSM

[HalcyonOne]

Maybe this is a really dumb question, I don't know. But I'm 19 and a virgin (with virtually no experience when it comes to anything sexual) and I know that I'm submissive, that I want a D/s relationship. I guess I feel like I'm missing a step, though.

I know that I'm submissive because, well, it just permeates every aspect of my life. I can't deny it, and it's been a big struggle for me to feel that it's ok to be submissive (to men in particular), but I am ok with it now. I feel like I know who I am (as much as I can, at 19), but will others be secure in my judgment? It's a fear of mine that the "good" Doms, the ones who I would fit well with, would question my ability to know without having any experience, if only for the reason of wanting to avoid being jerked around while I discover more of what I like. Moreover, I don't want to cause anyone frustration or annoyance over the fact that I'm new to this.

Beyond that, I still can't quite figure out how most people view inexperience in a partner. It seems like some people get off of on that, the supposed innocence. But for others it's a hassle; they don't want to do all the work of breaking someone into the lifestyle, so to speak. Am I way off base here? Is it just a personal thing, in which everyone is different and there is no norm?

And finally, having lurked around here for quite a while, I know that when looking for a potential partner (and specifically for a sub looking for a Dom) you have to be careful about what you say (and to whom) so as to not find yourself in a dangerous situation. So I understand that there are people out there who prey on young, inexperienced submissives. However, how do I go about finding someone that I could really trust without sharing such an important part of myself? My age alone would probably give away the fact that I don't have much experience. With the added aspect of little experience with relationships/sex outside of BDSM, how do I go about communicating that in a safe manner?

I realize that looking for someone online will always have an inherent danger to it. I have contemplated going to one of the local munches (not necessarily in search of a Dom, but just to have people to discuss things with), but at the same time, it doesn't feel like much of an option. The one that I would go to is very close to where I live and is actually held at a place where I have gone with friends before (not for a munch, obviously). There would be a fairly good chance of being recognized, and the thought of my family finding out, especially when I'm so new to all of this anyways, is terrifying.

So is it just not supposed to happen this way? Is it wrong to just jump right in to the BDSM lifestyle, foregoing a vanilla relationship first? I know that I don't want a vanilla relationship. I want someone that I can submit to entirely, that I can focus on, his needs and wants making me forget my own. I don't want a "safe" relationship first.

I hope that this is the right forum for this (I didn't know whether to post here or in the Cafe), and that this post makes sense. Some of the thoughts are kind of jumbled together.

And I'm just going to hit "Submit" now before I lose the nerve to do so.

 

[catalina_francisco]

You were looking for the perfect Dom? Well you have just found him, me of course; oh no, I am already taken!! Seriously though, your post sounds real and it sounds as if it must have cost you a lot of effort to write. You are a member since July 2003 so I am guessing that it has taken you at least half a year to find the nerve to post.

You know what is the best course to take for yourself. If you know inside you that you are submissive then let no one tell you differently. In this world and lifestyle we do not have set rules, we make them as we go along, there are some guidelines which would be smart to follow like SSC. Experience is important but more important than experience is to know what you want and what your needs are.

I do have to put a note of caution though, there is no hurry for you to do anything which you are not ready for, take your time, talk with as many people as you can and find yourself a mentor. Since you are submissive I would advice you to go for a submissive mentor, there are many very experienced submissives on this board, maybe you should approach one privately (PM).

Francisco.

 

[Netzach]

At 19 I was just your normal vanilla girl had you asked me.

I'm not saying this in an irritating talk down to you way...but between 19 and 27 you will do the most profound changing of your life with the exception of maybe acquiring language and motor skills between 2 and 8.

How I'd feel now about a 19 year old submissive? I'd mentor, I'd even play, but I would ONLY consider a very hands-off kind of training that would give a lot of flexibility to that person. The nature of Domination is too often to give people the answers, that's fine for 30 or 40 year olds, maybe. For someone who's 19, I don't think it would be the best outlook in most cases.

 

[s'lara]

You mention that you know it is dangerous to give information about yourself for fear that someone will take advantage of you.

In the the first two paragraphs of your post (as well as the thread title), you stated that you were:

-- 19 years old
-- a virgin
-- submissive
-- Admittedly inexperienced and looking for a Dom.

The foregoing information is exactly what you do not want to throw out there as a way to look for a Dominant. To be honest, as you are not sure sexually what you will need, i believe you need to spend time doing some self-reflection as opposed to Dominant hunting. Find a support group for submissive's in your area or online. LATCHES is one support group (http://latches.webslaves.com/) and there are many others. Take some to traverse the goings on in your head and heart before giving those to another. As Francisco Sir said, there are subs on this board who i know would be willing to talk with you at length about your feelings and the journey to submitting to another. Being submissive does not necessarily mean you are ready to be submissive to a Dominant or Top.

i would highly recommend you put off seeking a Dominant or Top until you have had some time to educate yourself about what that would entail. There is nothing wrong with dipping your toe in the pool as opposed to jumping in, eyes closed. Peruse our library here (see sticky) and try to be more careful with the personal information you disclose about yourself on a public board. Remember, all communities have their pariah's so use some caution.

Good luck to you H. i hope your travels in BDSM are all that you hope for and are safe.

lara

p.s. i hope this does not come off as condescending. It (the above information) is truly a suggestion. Cheers.

 

[Guest]

My $.02

I have lived in the three worlds.... Domme, Switch, sub/slave. I did this because of the training and teaching that I had. I was told simply you cannot fully fathom or understand that you are what you are until you decide that you are not anything else.

Sorta like when you first realized there were differences between boys and girls. At first it was jarring but after awhile you learned it was okay and that we were meant to be different.

There will be a slew of people trying to tell you that at 19 you don't know anything. That you should live and learn and whatever else. BLAH! I can honestly tell you that the late teens and early 20s were hell on me because I listened to those ones that sat there in judgement and said oh be shy, be closed lipped, don't tell to much of yourself, oh no one wants an unexperienced sub/slave. That my dear is a crock of shit, period.

I know MANY Doms and Masters that would give ANYTHING to be the first one to touch their girl.

Do I think you need some guideance... yes
Do I think that you should take some time and get to know others like yourself... yeppurs

But I also fully believe that the internet was in many ways one of the best things for people from our lifestyle because it made it possible for people from Maine to know that maybe the other half that they really wanted lives in France. You just never know.

Anyways.... If you ever need an ear... shoulder... or big sis... give me a jingle

Always,
Elizabetht

 

[HalcyonOne]

Thank you for all of the responses.

I don't think I fully explained myself in my above post. I actually have done a lot of reading on this subject, both at this forum and otherwise. While I registered about 6 months ago, I lurked for quite a while before that. I have read many (possibly most) of the links in the Library. I've been coming to this board daily for a long time now, reading most of the threads that get posted.

I hope this doesn't come off as me being terribly defensive, as it's not intended that way, but rather just showing that I haven't recently decided that this is what I want. I've known for several years that this is who I am, and it doesn't have to do with just being submissive in daily life. There are just times that you know, possibly before you even fully understand what it is that you know.

This has been a big thing for me to come to terms with. I was always the girl who said that she would never depend on a man, would take care of herself, be independent. But that isn't what I want or need to be happy.

Anyway, I do realize that I came out and said several things that everyone here thinks should not be said. But that's my point. Had I not said that I was 19, a virgin, submissive, inexperienced and looking for a Dom, what would my post have been about? Those are things very central to who I am and where I'm coming from, and to not say them, because they are dangerous to put out there, leaves me with little to say.

Ugh, I'm really sorry if this is coming out in a bad way. It's just frustrating trying to not say too much, but at the same time, say just enough.

I don't intend on jumping blindly into anything, but there is a distinct difference between reading/talking about something and experiencing it. I think that I'm ready to go beyond reading and talking about it. Do I know everything that I should? Probably not. But does anyone?

The safety issues are a concern, but I can't live my life in fear of what could happen. I'm not expecting it to be perfect, not assuming that I'll find an amazing Dom and fall in love the first time around. But I want to see what's out there. I've read so many posts about how it usually doesn't work to just get into a vanilla relationship and expect to make it a BDSM one. So I want to set out looking for the kind of relationship that I want. I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't know how long everyone expects me to wait.

Elizabetht, thanks for everything that you said. I truly appreciate all of the responses, but yours gave me a little bit of hope that this may work out ok.

 

[Etoile]

I was 17 when I lost my virginity (to my girlfriend - we just celebrated 6 years together) and 19 when I met Daddy and was introduced to BDSM. Daddy is 20 years older than me, so it was probably quite an undertaking for em to have a pet so young - e has been charged with virtually all of my teaching. I think that's the hard part about finding a dom when one is so young and inexperienced - finding someone willing to teach, and accept early mistakes, and so forth. It's definitely possible, but you should absolutely be upfront about your inexperience. To pretend otherwise could be dangerous.

 

[HalcyonOne]

Thank you, Etoile. You said pretty much what I've been thinking.

 

[ShyNymph]

Wow, you sound just like me.

I too am coming to terms with myself and have been mostly lurking about this board. I knew from a young age that I was naturally submissive, even when I wasn't even thinking sexually I always entertained the idea of having to 'serve' someone else.

I too imagine I would like to try out a dom someday, but for the same reasons you state I don't want to just come out and request a dom. That could be both very dangerous and unpleasant.

Sounds like we have a lot in common, and since I don't have anyone in rl to actually talk to about this, maybe we can try to help each other out.

Best wishes,
~ShyNymph

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thank you for all of the responses.

I hope this doesn't come off as me being terribly defensive, as it's not intended that way, but rather just showing that I haven't recently decided that this is what I want.

Don't apologise for thinking you are being defensive....I believe everyone has the right to defend themselves, and certainly are better clarifying than accepting a view which does not fit.

This has been a big thing for me to come to terms with. I was always the girl who said that she would never depend on a man, would take care of herself, be independent. But that isn't what I want or need to be happy.

It is good you realise what makes you happy, but from my experience most Dominants are looking for someone who shows strength and an ability to care for themselves as opposed to helpless and looking to be cared for. It doesn't sound that is what you are looking for, but put in the wrong way it can come across as that and then increases the risk of attracting those we call predators....like sharks, they smell fresh blood a mile off. So take care with how you present yourself.

But that's my point. Had I not said that I was 19, a virgin, submissive, inexperienced and looking for a Dom, what would my post have been about? Those are things very central to who I am and where I'm coming from, and to not say them, because they are dangerous to put out there, leaves me with little to say.

I guess this is one of those areas which always concern me. There should be plenty to say about you besides you are 19 and virgin and inexperienced/looking. You need to have a personality to go with the submissiveness, a character who is you in all circumstances, otherwise once again, you will attract those who are out to use and abuse you, then walk on to the next submissive asking to be dominated. Most Dominants who will respect and care for you legitimately look at who you are outside of that, as well as your willingness to submit.

As I am sure you have read here time and time again, even 24/7 TPE as I live is not 24 hours 7 days a week direct domination and submission. There has to be two distinct personalities within the relationship, the people who initially were attracted to each other to investigate further the chances of happiness and compatability. On that builds a trust and mutual respect from which grows the D/s bond. Of course there are those that will disagree and say an emotional bond is not required, but from your posting it sounds as if you would like to have some romantic/caring base, and not be a doormat or robotic submissive who leaves their brain at the door. I guess what people are saying is if you only concentrate on the elements you mentioned, and as you say you feel that is all you have to say about you, it can come across to the wrong people as desperate and open to abuse. Those who have expressed reservations do so out of concern for your safety, not to criticise.

Ugh, I'm really sorry if this is coming out in a bad way. It's just frustrating trying to not say too much, but at the same time, say just enough.

LOL, don't be worried...we all have our posts which come out on the monitor as being far removed from what we are trying to say. It goes with the territory of online communication and most do not hold it against you. It takes time to learn how to say something openly and honestly without exposing yourself dangerously, and still giving enough to remain believeable, and sometimes no matter how hard you try, someone will take issue with it. It is a fact of life.

I think that I'm ready to go beyond reading and talking about it. Do I know everything that I should? Probably not. But does anyone?

Only the stagnant thinkers will tell you there is a time when you can say you know everything. For most here it is a continuous journey of discovery and evolvement which brings new horizons every day. There are safety measures which are wise to take, especially in the beginning when you are having your first experiences and contacts. Even the experienced can sometimes be taken in by someone who has just that something more than the usual con artist....time and observation often are your best friends in finding the cracks in the armour of such deceptive people who try to take advantage of others.

The safety issues are a concern, but I can't live my life in fear of what could happen. I'm not expecting it to be perfect, not assuming that I'll find an amazing Dom and fall in love the first time around. But I want to see what's out there.

I can understand your desire to experience rather than fantasise. Most have been there at some time or anoither. It is difficult to exercise caution in that moment, but is necessary and perhaps one of the first and most valueable lessons to learn about submission. You will find it takes patience to be submissive...depending on the Doiminant, sometimes far more than others. Also, most Dominants require and assurance you will care for yourself as you are there to serve them and they do not want to be hampered by your inability due to bad judgements....so think of this caution as a first lesson in caring for your future Dominant's most valueable asset, and the patience you will sometimes be expected to have.

You may be lucky in finding the perfect Dominant for you and falling in love and staying together forever. It was my choice to submit only once and have it for life and it worked, but I had the added advantage of previous relationships and experiences to go on also which helped me know what I needed 100% and be able to not settle for less. It makes it easier, but is not necessarily the only way.

Perhaps an avenue for you is finding friends within the lifestyle you establish trust with and can experiment with in play, without the pressure of sexual contact and complete submission to cloud your vision, or lock you into something which may not be the way you envisioned. Those bad experiences can either strengthen you, or break you, depending on the situation and Dominant involved, as well as your own strength. If you play only to test what limits you may have, what you like/dislike, it gives you more grounding for finding the right Dominant for you and giving them all you want to give to just them, and without a lot of baggage to work through as well. There will be plenty who will willingly take from you what is on offer without offering anything in return. You don't have to fall prey to their deceptions. Take care and feel free to PM if you want to talk further about anything .

Catalina

 

[Netzach]

Lest anyone think me the resident fuddy duddy, I'll mention I'm only 30 and I got into SM at 22, the relationship died its overdue death when I was 27. I'm not advocating old-maid hood or anything so extreme, and I'm still in the relatively "kinky youth" end of the SM spectrum.

I had the benefit of a very good vanilla relationship behind me, and while it was painful to have to end something like that, it also taught me what I needed to know about relationships. I got into that relationship when I was 19 and I became a very different person in 8 years, with needs I hadn't had the benefit of considering. That's the experience I'm coming from.

I agree with catalina about uncommitted play with boundaries you won't regret in the morning. It's probably the best way to find out what you like, and it's good to try things you might not otherwise with the knowledge that you can stop the activity and a good dose of "what the fuck, you only live once" attitude. I entered the scene bottoming like this, mainly, and I'm not even a submissive...I found it *very* educational. But it's important to find respectable trustworthy people without big agendas in order to do this.

 

[mellian]

i was in the same position last year when i first started getting involved in the community. this time around, i am 20 and know more abotu bdsm, but still no Domme and etc

as for finding one on the net, i am always careful, considering the risks and etc. of course, i never met someone in person who i met online...well, not exactly true, but not because 'seeking of relationship' thought.

anyway....

-mellian

 

[Guest]

Anytime HalcyonOne... I wish you good luck in your quest... I will be watching this thread.

Always,
Elizabetht

Stories and Poetry by Elizabetht

 

[s'lara]

i looked at my original post in this thread and still stand by what i said. The condensed version is:

-- Throwing out your sexual status, young age and inexperience can bring the wrong kind of attention. As Catalina said, there must be more to you than those three things.

-- Seeking out other submissive's to talk with is a good idea. Also, finding a support group (which you may find here) is also key. They can help.

-- As to what personal information you put on the board, i do still think it should be done with caution. As you have lurked here for months and read much of the threads, then this is something you already know, but bears repeating.

Now for what wasn't in my post, but certainly on my mind. i cannot in good conscience tell you to "go for it" as i don't know you nor do i know your situation beyond your sexual status, age and submissive feelings. i did not say you shouldn't venture into the lifestyle, i said use caution when doing so. Beyond that, without knowing anything else about you, it is tough and a little negligent on my end to advise you to seek out a Dominant. You've gotten some good advice from a few and heard other experiences. Weighing those thoughts against your own is cool, but you and only you can make the first step ... in whatever fashion you decide to proceed. i don't necessarily believe being cautious in how you begin your journey is converse to starting the journey at all. i also certainly didn't mean you should be quiet and closed lipped. There are ways to express yourself outside of age/sexual status/submissive desires.

As i said before, i do wish you lots of luck.

lara

 

[HalcyonOne]

ShyNymph, I'd love to talk with you while we're both trying to figure this all out. One can never have too many friends.

It is good you realise what makes you happy, but from my experience most Dominants are looking for someone who shows strength and an ability to care for themselves as opposed to helpless and looking to be cared for. It doesn't sound that is what you are looking for, but put in the wrong way it can come across as that and then increases the risk of attracting those we call predators....like sharks, they smell fresh blood a mile off. So take care with how you present yourself.

I don't want someone to treat me as if I'm helpless and need to be completely cared for. My comment on having wanted to be completely independent and now realizing that isn't what I want, well, I didn't mean that I want to be totally dependent on another person. I should have explained this more. My whole issue was with being financially secure and being independent in that way. I still want that very much, but I realize now that just because I do want to be able to support myself doesn't mean that I can't submit to a man or have that kind of a relationship. I don't know that I could ever do a TPE relationship, or that I would even want to, but I'd like to think that I can still have a relationship (or simply sexual experiences) in which I have control taken from me, without giving up my ability to support and take care of myself. I will be as careful as possible in how I present myself. It's probably something that one cannot be reminded of enough.

I guess this is one of those areas which always concern me. There should be plenty to say about you besides you are 19 and virgin and inexperienced/looking. You need to have a personality to go with the submissiveness, a character who is you in all circumstances, otherwise once again, you will attract those who are out to use and abuse you, then walk on to the next submissive asking to be dominated. Most Dominants who will respect and care for you legitimately look at who you are outside of that, as well as your willingness to submit.

Ok, my comment must have come out very wrong. I didn't mean at all that my age and lack of experience were the only important things about me. I meant specifically in regards to this thread, had I not said any of those things I would have had nothing to post. If this is the exact thing that I'm looking for advice on, I would have to actually mention it in my post, right?

I do have a personality, opinions, and things that I believe strongly. But if I have people here (who don't even know anything about me) saying that I should be waiting, that they wouldn't want to start something with a new 19 year old submissive, it seems that those characteristics of me would be very important when speaking with anyone who might possibly become my Dom.

To not say any of those things to a potential Dom (or whoever) would, in my opinion, be on the verge of lying and deceit, because I couldn't answer questions truthfully about what I like or what I'm looking for without making those aspects of me known. I have ideas of what I may like, what I may want, but I can't speak from experience, and I think that should be known to anyone who might get involved with me.

As I am sure you have read here time and time again, even 24/7 TPE as I live is not 24 hours 7 days a week direct domination and submission. There has to be two distinct personalities within the relationship, the people who initially were attracted to each other to investigate further the chances of happiness and compatability. On that builds a trust and mutual respect from which grows the D/s bond. Of course there are those that will disagree and say an emotional bond is not required, but from your posting it sounds as if you would like to have some romantic/caring base, and not be a doormat or robotic submissive who leaves their brain at the door. I guess what people are saying is if you only concentrate on the elements you mentioned, and as you say you feel that is all you have to say about you, it can come across to the wrong people as desperate and open to abuse. Those who have expressed reservations do so out of concern for your safety, not to criticise.

I appreciate being told that I am coming off in that way, as I really did not realize that.

It isn't that I'm only looking for a serious relationship with a Dom. I'd like to play around a bit, see what I like. Having that great emotional relationship is really just the goal, not what I'm expecting to happen immediately. I suppose I just want to start experiencing it, in the safest way possible.

I can understand your desire to experience rather than fantasise. Most have been there at some time or anoither. It is difficult to exercise caution in that moment, but is necessary and perhaps one of the first and most valueable lessons to learn about submission. You will find it takes patience to be submissive...depending on the Doiminant, sometimes far more than others. Also, most Dominants require and assurance you will care for yourself as you are there to serve them and they do not want to be hampered by your inability due to bad judgements....so think of this caution as a first lesson in caring for your future Dominant's most valueable asset, and the patience you will sometimes be expected to have.

I'm trying to be as patient and cautious as possible.

You may be lucky in finding the perfect Dominant for you and falling in love and staying together forever. It was my choice to submit only once and have it for life and it worked, but I had the added advantage of previous relationships and experiences to go on also which helped me know what I needed 100% and be able to not settle for less. It makes it easier, but is not necessarily the only way.

Perhaps an avenue for you is finding friends within the lifestyle you establish trust with and can experiment with in play, without the pressure of sexual contact and complete submission to cloud your vision, or lock you into something which may not be the way you envisioned. Those bad experiences can either strengthen you, or break you, depending on the situation and Dominant involved, as well as your own strength. If you play only to test what limits you may have, what you like/dislike, it gives you more grounding for finding the right Dominant for you and giving them all you want to give to just them, and without a lot of baggage to work through as well. There will be plenty who will willingly take from you what is on offer without offering anything in return. You don't have to fall prey to their deceptions. Take care and feel free to PM if you want to talk further about anything .

Catalina

I definitely think it would be good to find people to talk with about this and experiment with in play. Are munches the best way to go about finding people or are there better avenues for it? I really don't know how to go about finding people.

Thank you for all of your insight and advice.

Netzach, I'd love to find people to play and experiment with. It's finding the trustworthy people that I'm unsure about.

s'lara, there is definitely more to me than those three things, as I said above.

I plan on being very cautious while entering into this. I'd just like to find a balance of actually doing something but not putting myself in a situation that I'm not yet ready for.

I would never just meet up with a stranger and let him tie me up, of course. I mean, it took me over 6 months to post on a message board! I'm not going to rush into it.

Thanks again to everyone for your concern and advice.

 

[Shadowsdream]

Experience or no experience?

I can only answer for Myself and the answer, as sometimes happens, may appear convoluted! The question actually is complex and a simple choice of one word over the other could be deceptive.

1. Having experienced physical sexual submission? I have no preference one way or the other if the submissive has previous experience in sexual dominated experiences.

2. Having or not having previous physical yet non sexual experiences of submission? Makes no difference to Me one way or the other as I feel My Domination is unique enough to keep My toys on their knees either way.

3. Having submitted emotionally previously or not? For a BDSM relationship that I wish to develope into something long term or memorable...I would prefer NOT..."unless" the previous emotional submission had been positive and incredibly fullfilling to both parties in the relationship.

I will stop at three examples for now...I suppose My answer is yes and no...but always a valid reason for either or both.

~~smile~~ Good luck, good thread...

 

[Ziggy*stardust]

I feel like I know who I am (as much as I can, at 19), but will others be secure in my judgment?

So is it just not supposed to happen this way? Is it wrong to just jump right in to the BDSM lifestyle, foregoing a vanilla relationship first? I know that I don't want a vanilla relationship. I want someone that I can submit to entirely, that I can focus on, his needs and wants making me forget my own. I don't want a "safe" relationship first.

I don't think there is anything wrong in looking for a BDSM or a D/s relationship without having any vanilla experience.

I was 19 when I met my Master/husband and even younger when I knew that I needed to be someone's slave to be happy in life. I was a virgin in all areas, never even kissed someone. I just never felt the urge to do anything like that before I met Master.

I think the most important thing in a relationship is honesty. Especially in a D/s relationship. How else, can a Master/Mistress know his/her property and take care of her/him as needed?
I was honest about everything about myself towards Master, right from the moment that I met him. Never regretted it. It's over 7 years later now and I'm still completely happy.

Btw, we always find it a very special feeling that Master is the only man I have ever been with.

I think you're doing great, the way you are doing things now: read and learn as much as you can. Meet others and talk with them, have them share their experiences. Just Keep your eyes wide open, take things very slowly and in your own time and you'll be fine.

Good luck.


*stardust*

 

[Hecate]

To HalyconOne - before I get into [rant mode]:

You are entitled to be searching a D/s relation at your age.
You need not have any other relation first - but be aware that finding what you seek may be a bit harder even than a "regular" relation, and patience at 19 - if I have any accurate memory left about that age - is not a main virtue, specially when new things to explore are concerned.

Therefore, a lot of good advise has been given that is mainly dealing with safety issues and I shall not delve any deeper in that part.

One thing though: just eecasue you want a D/s relation now, please note that you are free at any given moment in time to decide that no, it is not for you after all!
BDSM is not all or nothing, it is many many facettes and aspects and entails so many things that even I, who have been involved with it for years now, continuously find new things I like, and tick off things I thought I'd like but then didn't after all....
Do not put too much pressure on yourself to be "perfect" - you can not be! None of us are no matter how long we have been "into it" - we may have found a great match and have arranged our ways of Dominance and submission for that specific relation, but what may work for me may be miles off for any other Dominant, what I might consider desireable in a submissive may be a deal breaker for another Dominant.

So more than finding a perfect Dominant to fully submit to - which will be hard for you as you have not yet had a chance to discover what would be perfect for you - take some lesser commited steps to explore the multitude of options.

There is all from masochism and sadism to servitude to kinky sex scenes in an otherwise equal relation to 24/7 power exchange ... so the options are unlimited and none is lesser than the other, just different.

You have a world of options at your feet to discover - don't limit it by too early being forged into one specific Dominant's direction.



Now - as threatened - the RANT (HalcyonOne, this is not to you directly but I am getting off on a tangent now and then if someone happens to trow me the "bait"

[rant mode on]
Why are novice submissives searching a perfect expereinced Dominant?

What are the chances of a novice Dominant to find the perfect, experienced sub?

Why is it close to impossible these days to find couples - young couples - to start onto this fantastic journey together?

After all, a happy, fulfilling and lasting BDSM relation is exactly that - a relation first and foremost. Admittedly, for many of us it makes an integral part of who we are but it is not the sole streak to determin our desires, there is more to a relation, a BDSM one as well, than finding someone to precisely wield a whip or tie a perfect knot.

Now, of course it is a scary thought for a sumbissive, and how much more for a novice I assume, to place their body, soul and ultimately their dignity in the hands of someone not experienced - do they really want to be a guinea pig for some macho man who claims to be dominant but might as well just be some asshole who has found out that "giving the mean bad Dom" get's him an easy lay (and I am as well referring to it on the female Dominant side, no mistake)...

... but where do they think all those perfect Dominants with experience come from?

They come from trusting relations that allowed them to grow into what they are.
Most of us didn't go out one day, pick up a bull whip and decide that that was the way to go ... we started slow and gentle, with little baby steps and a lot of caution and care for the ones who allowed us to discover those leanings and trusted us with their bodies, souls and their reputation just as we trusted them to grow with us where it was a fitting match and to stop us where we erred.

For many Dominants it is a journey over years, and I found only few have been lucky enough to be given the opportunity to develope that streak in practice when they were young, so to seek an experienced Dominant may mean to seek someone much older (and I mean that with the utmost respect, but at 19 or 20 five years in age can make a lot of difference, let alone 10 or 20, and the most realistic and serious Masters and Mistresses "still on the markest" I know are in their 30's and 40's (but then again maybe that is my impression only because I fall into that age range myself)


What has this to do with the post of a very young novice submissive?

I want to inspire the thought that it is maybe not necessarry to seek a "ready" Master, but to find a matching companion on other levels (interests, hobbies, aims in life and love etc.) and see whether the BDSM-side of things can be developed together.

Not sure if any of this is making sense and if it still fits into the thread as I have written this on board a plane a few hours ago

Hecate

 

[Netzach]

That's the best rant I've heard in a long time. I see a lot of may/december relationships crash and burn as parties realize they have nothing in common.

I don't have complete D/s compatibility with M across every interest (that'd be boring if I did) but we listen to the same music, eat the same things, have the same core ideas about sexuality and identity, we travel in overlapping circles and we're both very creative and artistic people. It's not to say no relationship with an age gap can work, but I think common ground on vanilla and "boring" levels is what will get you through your inevitable power struggles.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Most of us didn't go out one day, pick up a bull whip and decide that that was the way to go ... we started slow and gentle, with little baby steps and a lot of caution and care for the ones who allowed us to discover those leanings and trusted us with their bodies, souls and their reputation just as we trusted them to grow with us where it was a fitting match and to stop us where we erred.

Hecate

LOL, and I thought the whip I had handcrafted in Oz was such a perfect and natural extension of Master's self!! http://www.smilies4you.de/content/liebe/b18.gif Seriously though, I agree with you. So many feel/believe there is a point where a Dominant or submissive has learnt all they can and arrived at perfection. It is sad as the journey can be full of ever changing vistas, deepening the experience and extending the people involved. I know for us, it is forever changing, sometimes refining areas of interest, only to change them again down the line a bit, sometimes discarding altogether those things which personally do not fit who we feel we are at that particular moment. It all makes for evolvement and continued interest and challenges.

Catalina http://www.gifs-paradies.de/smilies/00001625.gif

 

[Ziggy*stardust]

I want to inspire the thought that it is maybe not necessarry to seek a "ready" Master, but to find a matching companion on other levels (interests, hobbies, aims in life and love etc.) and see whether the BDSM-side of things can be developed together.

I agree with this, a very good point! If stardust would have a personality that completely differs from mine, I don't think we would be where we are now.
The fact that she is my slave is just one part of what she is to me. She is also my best friend, my lover and my soulmate.
We enjoy the same kind of movies, music, literature, etc...
Of course there are some differences in our likes and dislikes and I would find it pretty boring if that wasn't the case. But our goals and dreams for life are the same.

We both actively searched for someone who would not only be open to a D/s relationship but also for someone who would be compatible in vanilla areas. First, we got together on a vanilla bases, and then the D/s part of our relationship developed slowly into what we have now.

*Ziggy*

 

[HalcyonOne]

Shadowsdream, I'm glad to know that there are Doms/Dommes out there who don't consider lack of experience to be a hinderance. I can understand your reasoning for even preferring it when it comes to "emotional" submission. It's much easier to not have to work through issues from past relationships.

ziggy, thank you for sharing your experiences. It's reassuring to hear that sometimes it does work out for people.

Hecate, I know that your rant wasn't directed to me, but I'll give my response to it anyway. I don't really care about having the "perfect experienced Dominant," I just want someone who knows that he is interested in this. I'd rather not have to try and bring out these desires in someone who has never considered or had any thoughts of BDSM. So as long as he knows that he wants (or wants to try) this type of relationship, I'm all for it.

As for having someone older, well I would prefer to be with an older man, but that's just a preference of mine. I rarely find myself attracted to anyone my own age. I wouldn't completely rule out the idea of being with someone who is my age, though. But a 5-10 year age difference is appealing to me. I guess I consider older men to be more dominant and powerful, which is probably the basis for my preference. (However, I do realize that isn't always [or possibly, usually] the case.)

I agree with all of you that having common interests (in vanilla areas) is really important if you expect a relationship to last and be meaningful. I'm hoping that the "search for a Dominant" would go similar to the way someone would seek out any relationship. My main priority is having someone who, while not necessarily having a lot of experience in BDSM or being a Dominant, has an interest in it and would like to explore, just as I would.

When searching for a partner, everyone has qualities that they are looking for. Some people won't date a smoker. Some people prefer to only date those who practice their religion. I think of this as being similar. I just want to narrow the "dating pool" by concentrating on those who are dominant and would like to explore that. However, I'm all up for playing around a little bit while I'm looking for that perfect (for me ) Dominant.