You're keeping BDSM in the home, when it crops up in a conversation, what do you do?

[english vicky]

I mean, you don't shout BDSM from the rooftops, you don't wear a T-Shirt that states your lifestyle or interests...people think you're a 'normal' person. Then with a group of friends or colleagues someone says they saw a documentery on TV about spanking and how some people get a kick about it.

People say yuck that's crazy, how come people love it when it hurts...

...conversation moves up a gear to how people love pain and it goes deeper into whatever people know about that.

Do you sit there quiet and not say anything?

Do you sit there quiet and blush or grin a little perhaps giving a little away?

Do you speak up on behalf of the imagined situation i.e. 'perhaps they like it because this or that'?

Do you say you have an interest/live in the lifestyle?

I have this kind of problem often the girls at work are very outspoken about things they don't agree with and certain issues. I either stay quiet but feel I have to give the other side of the story and get frustrated, or try to add a little without coming over the little know it all (which i'm not, but to them would be)...where they wonder how I know all this stuff.

Wondering what you guys would do with those people who don't know and you don't particurly want to know.

****I'd rather this didn't turn into a 'you should be confident with who you are not ashamed, I'm not ashamed by all means****

Vicky

 

[ethicalslut]

I don't have much to add because I'm wrestling with the same issue myself. Rest assured you're not alone... i'm usually one of the "speak up on behalf" kinds of people... although I always wonder if I'm coming off as a leeeeeeeeettle too knowledgeable about it

 

[Vixandra]

I speak up on thier behalf too. And remind people there's a difference between consenual BDSM (ie tied to a bed and being spanked) and abuse (beating another because they did soemthing you didn't like against thier wishes).

 

[CreativeSubmissions]

Sometimes friends of mine who tell me everything joke around about BDSM,not understanding half of it. I told several of them,the lifestyle intrigues me. They say nothing since they think its just for the moment. But sometimes it feels like no one would underestand...when I told an ex...he wanted to know a secret desire I would never tell anyone so I mentioned bdsm,he thought I was crazy,lol

 

[RavenSpirit2k4]

This hasn't happened much to me. I think the last time was when some guy was coming on to me and said "you can do anything you want to me honey". I replied with "yeah, that's what they all say until I get out the whips and clamps". He laughed like he thought I wasn't serious, but I just kept smiling. He quickly wandered off and then left me alone.

 

[Ms_Black]

Playing it smooth....

Working in a rather prim occupation (I sell insurance..lol) I have to be pretty tightlipped about my lifestyle.

However, on a few occassions I have been present when a BDSM discussion was started, and I've always spoken up.

I think the key here is to stay disconnected. Living in a University town, it's easy for me to say "I know alot of people who dabble in that sort of thing. I also know alot of people who do alot more than dabble".

If you can talk about the subject without directly indicating yourself, it will help. Not only will you be able to give a better arguement (because you'll be looking at it from the outside) but also people won't be directly challenging You (i.e. Well I think that's kind of strange vs. Whatever, what you did is sick!)

If you're worried that even backing BDSM will give you away, consider starting other conversations first. For example, if someone is bashing gays or lesbians and you speak up, then they won't be SHOCKED when you also defend lifestylers. You might be accused of being a radial liberal, but probably people won't make dirty looks at you for that.

Good Luck.

Ms. B

 

[CreativeSubmissions]

I can understand about people your close to teasing you about this,but what if its your boyfriend or best friend....who you would tell almost anything to....that are close minded about the lifestyle. What would you do when they bash BDSM?

 

[english vicky]

I can understand about people your close to teasing you about this,but what if its your boyfriend or best friend....who you would tell almost anything to....that are close minded about the lifestyle. What would you do when they bash BDSM?

I would be so dissapointed if I was with someone who turned round and laughed/mimicked/disrespected something I enjoyed, whatever it was.

In this situation I would suggest trying to talk about it more in depth, show some web sites with free open discussion from intellegent people (here for example, very clever, intellegant and well respected people here).

I tell my best friend everything she knows pretty much everything about me, but then we have been friends since we were 3/4 and we're 23 now! So we share a lot. I don't know what I would do if she began to say bad things about BDSM...I guess everyone's entitled to an opinion and I would respect that, but also hope that they would respect my choices too. In my opinion, a best friend is special and if they don't respect me for liking BDSM I'm not sure I would want them as a friend as close as that. If they say they don't like it but don't judge you on it, then they're a friend worth keeping.

Just my opinions....are you in a situation like that?

Thank you to everyone who's replied so far I'm enjoying the responses and finding them very interesting.

I do try and stay disconnected from the situation but sometimes passion and spirit makes me want to say more! I have to try very hard to stay within some kind of boundary, like most of you I expect.

Vicky

 

[CreativeSubmissions]

Honestly most of my friends are very openminded but that doesn't mean they are into the lifestyle. I just don't talk about it too much,with some of them I give hints about some of the stuff within the lifestyle that turns me on but I don't really go into depth. Most of the time...my friends just think its a phase or something that I will outgrow in time.

My last boyfriend...and I were playing truth or dare...with two close friends who knew I am kinda involved in the life style. I chose truth...then he asked me one secret desire....that I have I wouldn't tell a lot of people...then I mentioned BDSM and it stumped him. I told him that its a desire of mine that I hope to explore one day,then I told him what it was. He broke up with me two days later...he kept telling me it was that I was moving on from college...but in a way I felt like he was scared of my desires. Even my friends say to me Sarah...your not weak...you shouldn't be a submissive. I'd try to tell them it has nothing to do with being weak...its a power exchange. Now it confuses me because I have a really supportive group of friends and I am used to telling them everything...but I am finding out that isn't always possiable. What does everyone think about this? How could I handle the situation better for myself?

Sarah

 

[angela146]

I sometimes say "Well, I have a close friend who is into BDSM..." Then I go on to describe what my *male* friend has told me about the lifestyle.

Since the views I am expressing are typical of a man's experience of it, it is easier to avoid the impression that I am giving my own views or relating my own experiences.

It just so happens that my friend also happens to be my husband. I, of course, don't reveal that information because I respect his desire for confidentiality.

The nice thing about this is that it is true. Hubby and I have talked a lot about BDSM, often while engaged in it.

 

[CreativeSubmissions]

Aww its nice that you don't have to hide your desires from someon e who you love that much

 

[shy slave]

A recent conversation at work was about BDSM and female Doms.

I ended up having to explain what a Domme was and the initials D/s!!
One man i work commented that to know these words i would have to be a Domme or sub.

To which i winked and said 'well maybe, maybe not, after all i know about aeroplanes but i am not one!!!!'

The general feeling at work was that i have probably dabbled but it is me holding the whip!!!

Needless to say i have not confirmed or denied it (maybe i should be in politics), simply grinned and laughed.

Ahh if only they knew the REAL me lol.

My sister knows of my interest she simply shakes her head and mutters about my always being weird.

I have several friends who also now know.

I have found it amazing how many geniune & intelligent questions people have about the lifestyle, which as i am such a novice can be difficult. Thank God for Lit, where so much is discussed and learnt

 

["angel" eve]

I've actually had this kind of stuff come up. I'm young, just out of college which makes for an interesting range of people I meet.

When I'm doing work in my industry (film, not of the adult variety) it would not look well on me to have fetish or kink on my list of well known attributes. Forutnatlely the stigma has worn off queer enough that everyone knows it and no one has ever cared.

My friends, the close ones who've known both my gf and I for the past 5 years or more, know we're into BDSM. I'll talk about it with anyone I know on a personal (rather than professional) basis, but I'll leave out any details of what specifically I have done w/ my gf, unless I'm annonymous online. Professionally, I'm quite quiet about it.

I was working for a festival in an office setting, where reputuation is everything and BDSM actually comes up in conversation. OUCH! I'm normally quite outspoken, and free with the information I have, I can't say anything without becoming suspect.

This is all despite queer being the rule rather than the exception, and the fact that only yesterday we were talking about one of my gay co-workers leather pants which he wears for fetish night.

It's all about reputation, and understanding public perception. Fetish night means you wear leather, and that's it. In the minds of my co-workers it has nothing to do with BDSM. They wouldn't connect the 2 conversations.

Ask yourself what an ignorant asshole could do with that information, and you'll know whether it's worth talking about. I'm all for educating the public, but there's a time and a place. For example:

One of the guys I used to work in with (machine shop, reputation isn't near as fragile as office type work) had a Smith and Weston handcuff key on his keychain which I HAD to ask about... we didn't talk about it much, except that yes, it was there for the reason I thoguht.

Context is everything.

 

[Mr Blonde]

If people mention BDSM in passing, I always let it go. If they dwell on it, I will start looking at them. Usually they have something on their mind.

One time a woman said: "Is it safe to come over to your place? You don't have girls chained to the bed, do you?"

"Not at this time of day," I said.

She was eventually my subbie/girlfriend for eight months.

I guess I'm a closet dom. If someone asks me a direct question, I will answer it though!

 

[Elizabeth]

If it comes up I usually don't say anything but have a very amused look on my face. My best girlfriend decided to have a look at one of my websites once and all I can say is I wish I had a camera at that moment. She was shocked but she also asked many questions. At least she has an open mind about it. Now when it comes up she likes to stick her fingers in hear ears and go lalalalalalalal in a playful way. It's kinda cute.