Your wife was with another woman and.......

[southern_gal]

Guys, this applies ONLY if you were a willing participant. Did it effect your marriage in a positive or negative way? Would you undo it given the chance? Do you feel like your wife (or gf, s/o) started to have stronger feelings for her new fem lover than for you?

Gals, would you do it again....I mean follow thru with it under the same circumstance? Did you develop strong emotional ties to your lover and did it effect your marriage in a positive or negative manner? Did you begin to lose any respect or feel differently toward your husband for him "stepping aside" and allowing this? Was it better than you had imagined or not live up to your expectations?

I am asking these questions because my husband knows that for years, I have wanted a female lover and he has often given me his blessings. I have questions that I would appreciate only those that have been thru exactly this, to answer. I can put a lot more faith into answers coming from experience rather than from someone that gives an answer based on how they think they would react in such a situation.

 

[Dyslexicea]

I don't fit your requested profile, although I've been with my share of bi women some attached some not, so I won't comment except to say the male part of your question may have better response under the general section of the board.

I've found that even among men who approve of their wives and gfs being bi many are still very homophobic when it comes to men. I'm not sure many of those men are going to visit the GLBT part of the board.

Sometimes life can be so complicated. I truly hope you find the answers your looking for.

 

[southern_gal]

I don't fit your requested profile, although I've been with my share of bi women some attached some not, so I won't comment except to say the male part of your question may have better response under the general section of the board.

I've found that even among men who approve of their wives and gfs being bi many are still very homophobic when it comes to men. I'm not sure many of those men are going to visit the GLBT part of the board.

Sometimes life can be so complicated. I truly hope you find the answers your looking for.

Very good observation and I wish I had put this some place other than this forum but that's ok too.

 

[silverwhisper]

my wife's been with a friend of both of us a few times. while i've always been OK with her exploring her attraction to other women--and honestly, hearing about it afterwards was a real turn-on--she found that it wasn't for her. she was feeling tremendous guilt even though i told her repeatedly it was OK.

ed

 

[southern_gal]

my wife's been with a friend of both of us a few times. while i've always been OK with her exploring her attraction to other women--and honestly, hearing about it afterwards was a real turn-on--she found that it wasn't for her. she was feeling tremendous guilt even though i told her repeatedly it was OK.

ed

Thank you for sharing. I too worry about that. That is IF I ever get the nerve to go thru with it. My husband has told me a few times he has no problems with it as well. I want to try it so much but the last thing in the world I want to do is have it turn things sour at home.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I found that I had to be very careful when I went with other women, because I prefer women to men-- including my husband. Several times in our 35 years of marriage, I had to pull myself back from the open arrangement we had, concentrate on him.

Unfortunately, although I truly feel that any dude could learn some of the stuff that makes women so much more preferable to me-- he, it seemed, could not. No matter how much he wanted to-- and I wanted him to. Vanilla humping was always easier and therefore, more satisfying.

We've been seperated for more than a year now. I think I can be a better friend than a wife, and the booty calls are good. Why, I have no idea.

 

[southern_gal]

Stella, if I lost my guy because of something that I selfishly want I truly do not know what I would do. He keeps me balanced and most of all, happy. I cannot explain why I have the feelings I do about being with another woman, I just do. I might be in for such a let down that I will feel like I wasted mine or her time. My husband is my world but I want more. I am selfish. He insists he does not want to sit and watch if I did do it because he knows how private I can be. In my fantasies most of the time, sex is not really what it is about anyway. At any rate I really appreciate your insights.

Edit: and please do NOT think I am suggesting your separation is your fault. For what it's worth I am thinking he should crawl and grovel to get you back.

 

[njlauren]

I am sorry for posting this, because I have limited experience with this, but I thought I might offer some things that might help (and if they don't, well, I tried.

When my wife and I were together way back when in college, she had some experience with other women,some of whom I expect she had strong feelings for, etc, but in the end we ended up together, because I believe her feelings for me were that strong.

Speaking from less direct experience, the problem you talk about isn't limited to having sex with another woman, the issue is about having sex with someone outside your primary relationship and possibly getting strong feelings, and I suspect a lot more women (and men) have become attached to opposite sex partners and left their primary ones, then women for example mysteriously discovering they were gay and leaving their relationship (it happens, obviously).

I once asked my therapist about this, in trying to work out my own feelings about things, she had been married, had kids, and around 40 had divorced her husband and ended up living her life as a lesbian woman, but it was a different story, because she knew she was gay the whole time. She also said that she might have stayed with her husband had their been other things in their relationship, but she said a lot of things weren't working that had nothing to do with her sexual orientation, and that is what pushed it over the edge, there was nothing there.

Someone I have IM'ed with on this topic said something fundamental, he said that when relationships break up over an open relationship or whatever, it usually already is on rocky ground, and I think that is key. Sexuality and sexual attraction is incredibly strong, don't get me wrong, but they don't make up an entire relationship. If the non sexual elements of a relationship are working, as well or or besides the sexual one, then it is probably a lot less likely that someone would get the kind of feelings for someone else that they would let it wreck their permanent relationship. I know of other women who ID as gay who stayed married, because they and their husband had a strong, strong relationship, and they had their needs fulfilled because the hubby was okay with her being with women, plus they themselves had a sex life, too (does that technically make her bi, not gay? Who the hell knows, or cares........I know gay men and women that occassionally have sex together and enjoy it, and otherwise are as stone cold gay as you could want *shrug*).

I think what I am trying to say is unless you are miserable in your relationship, the sex with your husband sucks, you don't share things, aren't intimate across the board, then yeah, any outside relationship can be a threat. What it comes down to is if you have feelings for the other person, M or F, is if your feelings for them and your feelings for yourself, are better then with your primary one. Different is okay, you can have feelings for an outside person but be perfectly happy with your primary one (or end up with a poly, who knows?), but if the primary relationship is really strong, then whether the outside person is same or opposite sex prob is outweighed with the strength of the primary.

I obviously don't know you well, but I know you have a relationship that already has strains on it, because your H has to be away a lot of time working, and from what I can tell you guys seem really in love with each other, you describe the need to cuddle and be close and so forth in other posts, and it is apparent you guys have a strong relationship, a weak relationship would not survive that distance I suspect. How having a distance relationship with your H would play out with this, I cannot say, because I could see how that might cause fears (proximity versus distance), but you guys seem to in love, make so many attempts to keep in touch, keep it going, that I suspect if something does happen, you will be fine.

Again, I apologize because I don;'t have direct experience with this, which is what you were seeking, but having been a around a lot of varied people and worked on feelings about issues like this, wanted to share it, FWIW.

 

[njlauren]

I found that I had to be very careful when I went with other women, because I prefer women to men-- including my husband. Several times in our 35 years of marriage, I had to pull myself back from the open arrangement we had, concentrate on him.

Unfortunately, although I truly feel that any dude could learn some of the stuff that makes women so much more preferable to me-- he, it seemed, could not. No matter how much he wanted to-- and I wanted him to. Vanilla humping was always easier and therefore, more satisfying.

We've been seperated for more than a year now. I think I can be a better friend than a wife, and the booty calls are good. Why, I have no idea.

It is interesting, that sounds in some ways like my therapist and her ex husband. She said sex with him, even though she id'ed as a gay woman most of her life, was actually pretty good, but other things were missing (her husband was very controlling, among other things) and that is why their marriage really crashed. She said he was crushed, but if he hadn't of been, she might have enjoyed having sex with him, too, occasionally, maybe it is because as a booty call he is the icing on the cake, rather then the cake itself?

 

[TheLM]

I dated a girl who was expressly allowed to enjoy other women.

The only reason it worked is because she never developed an emotional connection to them.

 

[silverwhisper]

southern gal quoth:
thank you for sharing. i too worry about that. that is if i ever get the nerve to go thru with it. my husband has told me a few times he has no problems with it as well. i want to try it so much but the last thing in the world i want to do is have it turn things sour at home.

i think that's a prudent concern to have, for what it's worth. the simple truth though is that there's no way to know whether you will/won't have guilt over it of the self-inflicted variety.

honestly, i think that if you should find a partner, you shoulud speak with your husband & again, make sure he's OK with it even though he will never be part of that equation, and that this isn't license for him to use the experience to throw in your face in the future.

i fully believe the more explicitly these things are discussed before the reality the lower the likelihood of harm to your relationship.

i think you're proceeding sensibly here.

ed

 

[southern_gal]

I dated a girl who was expressly allowed to enjoy other women.

The only reason it worked is because she never developed an emotional connection to them.

I doubt I could really fall in love with anyone other than my husband. I know he feels that way and is why he has no reservations with my wanting and possibly following thru with this desire.

 

[southern_gal]

i think that's a prudent concern to have, for what it's worth. the simple truth though is that there's no way to know whether you will/won't have guilt over it of the self-inflicted variety.

honestly, i think that if you should find a partner, you shoulud speak with your husband & again, make sure he's OK with it even though he will never be part of that equation, and that this isn't license for him to use the experience to throw in your face in the future.

i fully believe the more explicitly these things are discussed before the reality the lower the likelihood of harm to your relationship.

i think you're proceeding sensibly here.

ed

I could not agree more. IF ....and I say it in all caps because for the moment it is merely a fantasy, but if it were to ever become reality I like to think that being the over analyzing woman that I am, I can keep those emotions divided. I will however also admit that love is a funny thing and our brains can seemingly cross that line even when we are not expecting to. I would also want a partner that would feel the same way and if I crossed that line, I would want her to call me on it, painful as it might be, and pull back from me for my own good. Like I said before, this is by no means a new desire. I have wanted to be with another woman for most of my adult life so at this rate, I will need to live to approx. 233 years before anything of substance might occur. And by then I will be really saggy.

 

[MrSneakyinPA]

My wife, before we met..... "experimented" with a friend of hers. Her friend stayed the night at her house, they were naked in her bed making out and "humping" each other. She didn't tell me if they fingered each other or anything else. But she felt compelled to tell me, along with some other things she did before me. She thought I might be upset. I'm pretty sure she I made it clear that I wasn't upset at all. I've hinted that she should do it again. But she really has no interest....sadly. But, I know she DID do it, and has that experience in her mind to draw on if she wants.


As far as her being with another guy. She had very very frequent and fun sex with her ex b/f before we met. And they didn't end their relationship on a bad note. He had a waterbed that they had sex in almost everyday after school. She knows I wouldn't be upset if she felt like reliving a little of those moments in his bed. I love when she tells me about being in bed with him, it's a huge turn on for me. Again, she has no desire. Probably for the best in the end. But..... I'm sure his tongue and his cock missed her tight little red-haired pussy.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I dated a girl who was expressly allowed to enjoy other women.

The only reason it worked is because she never developed an emotional connection to them.

This is why lesbians don't trust bisexual women.

Which is beside the point, for the purposes of this thread, but really-- if you are bisexual and attached or planning to be attached to a man-- please, be honest about that to the women you meet.

 

[njlauren]

This is why lesbians don't trust bisexual women.

Which is beside the point, for the purposes of this thread, but really-- if you are bisexual and attached or planning to be attached to a man-- please, be honest about that to the women you meet.

I had a hard time understanding that for a lot of years, I had heard that, and I always assumed it was because of the crap about bisexuality, where some gays and lesbians see it as a copout (i.e the person is gay but afraid to admit it, straights thinking often the same thing). My therapist and some lesbian friends at the woman's bar I used to hang out at explained it to me, that the problem wasn't that the gal was bisexual, that the problem was that lesbians would hook up with a bi woman, wanting a relationship, expecting it to be one, only a lot of the time to find out either that gal had a guy, or worse, they would get into a relationship and the inevitably the bi woman would find some guy and that was that...or at least that is what they told me. On the other hand, my therapist never cared, I suspect because she wasn't looking for a relationship, just a good roll in the hay

 

[njlauren]

I could not agree more. IF ....and I say it in all caps because for the moment it is merely a fantasy, but if it were to ever become reality I like to think that being the over analyzing woman that I am, I can keep those emotions divided. I will however also admit that love is a funny thing and our brains can seemingly cross that line even when we are not expecting to. I would also want a partner that would feel the same way and if I crossed that line, I would want her to call me on it, painful as it might be, and pull back from me for my own good. Like I said before, this is by no means a new desire. I have wanted to be with another woman for most of my adult life so at this rate, I will need to live to approx. 233 years before anything of substance might occur. And by then I will be really saggy.

I think you will find that if you really want to try it it will happen. There is no way to know what will happen, but from your description of your relationship with your husband, everything you have posted, I would be surprised if you would suddenly find someone that took you from your husband, for the reason that in my experience people with strong relationships don't fall into that trap all that easily,because they have something so strong. I have known of examples of women who had relationships with women when married and left their marriages, and kind of ended up id'ing as gay women, but to be honest with you, their marriages were not all that strong to start with (of the ones where I knew the husbands), many of them were emotionally bankrupt in many ways, they were good friends, good parents and enjoyed each other's company, but they weren't really lovers/in love. You may find that if you do try another woman, that it may turn out not to be what you think, that as a fantasy it was great , in reality not so much, or you may find it is fun and exotic and erotic but not so emotional, or you might find a good friend with benefits. One woman I know, who has had fling with women (with her husbands okay), said that what attracted her to it, besides being turned on by the way a woman looks, is having someone emotionally who understands what she is feeling, that having that mirrored made it differently pleasing (she also said that she probably could never have a long term relationship with a woman, in the sense of a real relationship, because the dynamics of similar emotions was hot for a night of sex and such, but in terms of a living relationship would drive her nuts.

Like I said, after getting to know you a little bit, I think the only problem you might have if you go through this is feeling guilty, because you love your husband so much, your posts, your thoughts, so center around him that I don't think anyone could ever replace that There is room in a relationship I feel for a special friend you love in a different way, but as they say in one of the werewolf fantasy books I like, a mate is a totally different level

 

[southern_gal]

This is why lesbians don't trust bisexual women.

Which is beside the point, for the purposes of this thread, but really-- if you are bisexual and attached or planning to be attached to a man-- please, be honest about that to the women you meet.

But why are lesbians so often mean sprited or at least condescending toward us? I should not include myself in the bi catagory really because I have no experience what so ever but in my mind I feel like I am. I ask that question because I have gotten more than a couple less than polite pm's advising me to stick with what I know, i.e. married hetero lifestyle and not to go venturing into something just for the sake of experimenting or simply for sex. I am by nature polite and will strive to never lose my composure but one or two of them simply got me angry. I have said it numerous times that what I want does not have sex with a woman at the top of my list. It is nowhere near the top of what I would like to experience. I have never understood the hostility when I always have, and always will make it clear that my husband will forever be my number one priority. If not for his blessings, I would never even consider acting on some of my desires. I would also never go into any type of relationship without being honest. I want woman to woman intimacy. If sex never happened I could still enjoy it immensly. I would like to meet someone like me that has the same desires and I hope I have made it clear that I am not looking to be the main focus of anyone elses life. So again I ask, why the hostility from lesbians?

 

[Dyslexicea]

But why are lesbians so often mean sprited or at least condescending toward us? I should not include myself in the bi catagory really because I have no experience what so ever but in my mind I feel like I am. I ask that question because I have gotten more than a couple less than polite pm's advising me to stick with what I know, i.e. married hetero lifestyle and not to go venturing into something just for the sake of experimenting or simply for sex. I am by nature polite and will strive to never lose my composure but one or two of them simply got me angry. I have said it numerous times that what I want does not have sex with a woman at the top of my list. It is nowhere near the top of what I would like to experience. I have never understood the hostility when I always have, and always will make it clear that my husband will forever be my number one priority. If not for his blessings, I would never even consider acting on some of my desires. I would also never go into any type of relationship without being honest. I want woman to woman intimacy. If sex never happened I could still enjoy it immensly. I would like to meet someone like me that has the same desires and I hope I have made it clear that I am not looking to be the main focus of anyone elses life. So again I ask, why the hostility from lesbians?

In the first place your painting us all with a rather wide brush. Not all lesbians dislike bi girls. I dare say most don't, but you do have to understand that for us bi girls can mean heartbreak. Yes of course so can other lesbians but with a bi girl it's much more likely that she'll leave someday for a man. She doesn't even have to love him as much as she does you, it's just easier for her to live her life, with a man, as a hetero couple. She doesn't have to come out, she doesn't have to tell Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, Best Friend, and all the rest she's in love with another woman. Should it matter if she leaves you for a man instead of a woman? No it probably shouldn't but it does.

Think about it, if you do find someone, you have sex, you become really close, I don't mean 'In Love' close but 'Love' close, are you going to out yourself to others. No you're not. You are just as queer as we are but you won't come out, most of us lesbian just hate that.

Talk all you want about not getting emotionally involved, sex is never just sex it's not that simple. I hope you understand that no matter how honest you are up front, emotions can and do become strong, love can happen even if neither party intends for it to happen.

Are all of us always looking for a relationship? No, we can and do have sex just for sex. Some lesbians don't even want a relationship, never ever. Even if sex is with more than one woman there is still always the possibility that something is going to click with one of them, even when you don't want it to.

Are there arrogant radical lesbian? There surely are, in their world view only lesbians should be with other women. They even want to judge who's a lesbian and who isn't, if I outed my past to them they'd surely judge me as not being a true lesbian. I say f**k them, I don't care what they think. Neither should you. What's really a shame is that we as lesbian are so often discriminated against, so often judged, and yet some of us think we have the right to judge others.

Being bi is fine with this lesbian and I think with most of us it is too. So don't judge us all by a few bitches who can't keep their noses out of other people's lives.

My only problem with you is just stop driving yourself crazy and go for it. Your husband's ok with it, you love him, that isn't likely to change. Even if you would happen to fall in love with another woman, there's nothing wrong with being in love with two people at the same time. Who knows maybe you can have a husband and a wife. Now isn't that a titillating thought.

If you want to read an article about the conflict between some lesbians and bi girls I've included a link. What's more telling is the comments from the readers. http://www.lesbilicious.co.uk/why-do-lesbians-hate-bisexuals/

By the way I like this web site, not as much as I do http://www.autostraddle.com/ but it's lesbian and bi friendly. And it also links to http://www.pinknews.co.uk/ which has some really great articles.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Lesbians, by definition, expect that the main focus of their own life will be a woman. If she makes herself emotionally available, not to mention sexually so, she wouldn't be doing so in order to play second fiddle-- especially not to a man, since she shares no desire for men at all.

I date a lot of bisexual women, and I am NOT looking for commitment, and I expect my time with anyone to be limited. But I have to say, I have never yet heard one say; "I'm dating another woman so I won't be seeing you for a while."

I have only heard that when a man enters the picture.

Also-- the women who PM you to tell you all about it? I can guess at the name of at least one of them A tip for you, is to click on their name beside the post or PM, and choose "view posting history" and you can get an idea of whether or not that person actually participates in anything besides sniping from behind the scenes.

 

[TheLM]

This is why lesbians don't trust bisexual women.

Which is beside the point, for the purposes of this thread, but really-- if you are bisexual and attached or planning to be attached to a man-- please, be honest about that to the women you meet.

And I feel that is wise.

 

[southern_gal]

Dyslexicea, I mispoke a bit and I want to apologize to all women that are lesbians because I did in fact paint everyone with the same brush. I should not have made such a generalization based on a few pm's that were shall we say, less than polite. To those few folks, I will never apologize for anything because I have been more than upfront to everyone in my life. I will not do anything without the consent, if not the participation, of my husband nor would I lead anyone on as to my intentions just to gain their affection. That is just wrong. Now off my soap box and a big thank you to both you and Stella for your thoughtful and well put advice. It may be that the closest I ever get to what I want is to have another woman join both my husband and me. That might help to keep things more sexual and less emotional. Both of you made very good points and they were well received. That is exactly why I started posting on Lit in the first place. Thanks and hugs to you both.