From A Girl to Nevyn_Black:
Nevyn, I want you to listen very carefully. Too bad this isn't in person, otherwise I'd be looking you dead in the eye as I say this.
You. Are. Not. A. Freak.
Take a moment to absorb that.
Done? Good.
Now, are you the type to pull wings off of live butterflies and laugh? Set fires to buildings and revel in watching it burn to the ground? Killed someone in cold blood? Those are freaks. And unless you've done any of these things, you most certainly are NOT.
You mention that you have a girlfriend. That's fantastic! And from what you describe her as, she doesn't see you as someone to be manipulated, disdained or avoided. She's obviously an exception to your rule. Cherish her, don't push her away. If she finds you attractive, who are you to question that? She knows her own mind, don't try to change it.
You're already able to discern that this is based on some past trauma. Again, this is great. Use that to your advantage; you're halfway to putting the past in the past just by acknowledging it. Find someone to talk to about this; a religious leader, someone who's dealt with something similar, a professional therapist. It will be hell on earth, but you'll be stronger when you get to the other side.
I know that my girlfriend loves me and tells me that she wants me. When we have sex she seems to enjoy herself and tells me she does...she even thanks me. But deep down I don't really believe that any woman on earth ever has or ever will find me attractive. Intellectually I know this is damage from my past.
But it doesn't make the feeling go away. In my mind I'll always be a mutant freak that women either disdain, manipulate or avoid. Honestly its like a curse. I doubt that anyone female reading this thread will even pause a moment on my post.
Nevyn, I want you to listen very carefully. Too bad this isn't in person, otherwise I'd be looking you dead in the eye as I say this.
You. Are. Not. A. Freak.
Take a moment to absorb that.
Done? Good.
Now, are you the type to pull wings off of live butterflies and laugh? Set fires to buildings and revel in watching it burn to the ground? Killed someone in cold blood? Those are freaks. And unless you've done any of these things, you most certainly are NOT.
You mention that you have a girlfriend. That's fantastic! And from what you describe her as, she doesn't see you as someone to be manipulated, disdained or avoided. She's obviously an exception to your rule. Cherish her, don't push her away. If she finds you attractive, who are you to question that? She knows her own mind, don't try to change it.
You're already able to discern that this is based on some past trauma. Again, this is great. Use that to your advantage; you're halfway to putting the past in the past just by acknowledging it. Find someone to talk to about this; a religious leader, someone who's dealt with something similar, a professional therapist. It will be hell on earth, but you'll be stronger when you get to the other side.
