Your Best Sentence:

re

well, not posted, but anyway...

It was a hot day and the ants were busy. Eric watched them in idle admiration, the most organised society on earth. Today they were expanding their nest; ant after ant came out, each carrying a piece of dirt. Eric noticed how they carefully placed it away from the entrance to their home, presumably to stop it falling back in. Perhaps the workers knew that because it was hot and dry, and the earth was granular, it was a good day for home improvements.

- - -I like your first two sentences, they are very image provoking. I like the third and fourth sentences too, but think they're slightly overdone.
 
Mack, deciding to reply here was an interesting exercise. I did not especially feel like reviewing my stories, then found myself irked at all my short sentences. I even got into self-doubt mode and thought, e.g., 'Gawd, that's awfully melodramatic', even 'This is crap'.

So I then skimmed only for longer sentences. Here are two. Rather than leaving them out of at least the context of their paragraphs, I've put my fave sentences in bold within.

Thanks, I 'mostly' enjoyed doing this ;) . Perdita


from Elevator Girl—Ch. 2
I knew his orgasm was going to be huge and longer than any other man’s I’d ever witnessed so I began to fuck his ass pumping the unique dildo in and out, furiously but skillfully. As his orgasm began to die down I moved the fake dick slowly, easing the fuck, Piano, pianissimo. . .   It came out all the way as he fell to the floor. He lay still and silent for a minute then began to cry like a child, only his sobs were low and loud. He was a big grown man bawling like a baby on the floor. He curled up and held his spent semi-soft penis in one hand; the other embraced his chest while his sobs continued mingling tears with semen and producing further variegations on the marble floor.

from Ofrenda
Magdalena clutched and tore violently at the pure white sheets as she came, hissed loud, moaned like a keening woman—La Llorona of song and myth. In the core of her sex the volcano of old Tenochtitlan erupted, spreading streams of molten, glowing lava seemingly through each cell and nerve of her skin, up and out, down to her curled toes, out her stiff, roughened nipples, dripping sweet grief and joy down the stranger's throat. She felt as if she had no body, was no body, nothing but her volcanic little clit. She was nothing but her sex, her climax, her lust freed of love.
 
I don't think many of my erotic works have particularly good sentences. I think the best thing I've ever written is an exerpt from Silver that's a bit too long to post here, since these are short excerpts. I did find this in Silver though, which is only two-ish paragraphs long and I'm fairly proud of.

She stood and turned to face him, and he realized how tall she was. She was looking him straight in the eye. And she wasn't fifteen anymore. Funny how he hadn't noticed that until now. He opened his mouth to speak, but she reached up and laid her finger across his lips.

"Shhh," she said. "Don't speak."

And then she kissed him, and all he could feel was her lips on his, her body pressed against him and the wind whistling all around them, high up there above the Toronto skyline, the city laid out before them like a platter of lights. A million tiny golden coins, all scattered down there on the ground.
 
Re: Re: re

McKenna said:
In and of themselves, I might agree (about the last two sentences.) In the context of the story, they fit rather well ...

Yes, I Know what you mean. Sometimes I'll start reading a book and find the style a bit off-putting. However, a few pages in, and it'll seem completely natural. I tried reading a little of what you've written, and find it flows very nicely:)

I find it much harder to write eotica, cf w/ ordinary fiction. I find sex tends to get in the way of a good story. I am currently writing a story about a geneticist who discovers genes responsible for aging, and a suicide bomber. I'm hoping their lives will contrast and combine nicely, and rise some interesting ethical questions.

Perdu, I'm just off to read some more of your stuff. Great extracts.
 
McKenna said:
I'm going to be brutally honest. I don't read all of your stories. In fact, I have read only a select few authors who frequent the Author's Hangout. It's not that I'm being snobbish or mean- frankly, I don't have time, and when I DO have time, I spend it selfishly on my own writing endeavors or a bit of frivolous fun.


My Gosh! We have an honest one among us, call out the Military police!

I'm with Raphy on this. I don't have a real golden sentence as my stories are written for the porno crowd in mind, and they don't seem to like anything over a fith grade level.

Here is one I like from a funny section. It is a young boy writing to himself.

Blah, blah, blah… The day was blah like not even one girl looked at me. I guess the old sock in the pants trick only works for older men. I do not get it; at this rate I will never get laid.
Good thing my hand can’t ignore my dick. I wish I was like the foot ball guys I bet they get plenty of pussy. At least the guy dating my Sally does!”
 
My best sentence

I was facing a possible year for a misdemeanor offense, but the judge was in a good mood and just gave me six months probation.

:D

Just kidding, actually he gave me the whole year.

:D
 
This isn't a sentence, more a paragraph, and one sentence of it wouldn't work on its own. This is taken from "The Letting", my latest erotic horror story. I've just submitted it to Lit, but it already appears on my site:

The noise was deafening, even to Dave, whose ears were accustomed to the pounding of artillery fire blasting through his eardrums. He could feel the undertones of the bass in the music through his teeth. The excited ramblings of those around him converged into one inhuman sound. The heady scent of dozens of different perfumes, masking the underlying aroma of sweat, made him feel nauseous. The strobe lighting only added to his discomfort. It felt to him like he was on a battlefield; everyone fighting to have a good time, and walk away with the prize of a good fuck.

And, from the same story, just one sentence, which was picked out by a very sexy Lit lady, as her favourite of the story:

Leather reclining chairs were dragged along the metal surface, producing a sound that can only be equated to tortured souls pleading for their death.

Thanks for this thread McKenna, a great idea!

Lou :rose:
 
McKenna said:
Raphy:

What struck me most about your excerpt was the first paragraph. The short, succinct sentences set a "tone" that goes very well with what is being conveyed. It's as if your style and your meaning mesh perfectly. He's surprised, it shows, and you convey that with your sentence structure. Well done.
It's interesting you should say that, McK :rose:

The two paragraphs are pure stream-of-consciousness Raphy. I write cinematically. I try to duplicate what a good director/editor will do on screen with my writing.

When you're surprised, things seem to happen quickly. You experience short sharp revelations. "Oh wow, how come I didn't notice that before?"

He's surprised. My sentences are short and sharp, and (intentionally) badly constructed. (re. the one that starts with 'and')

Then when she kisses him, the movie changes to sweeping music, long circular camera shots, maybe interspersed with overlaying montage shots. He's 'swept away' by the experience.

So I try to structure my sentences to reflect that, with long sweeping descriptive prose, and what boils down to nothing more than a shopping list of the things his senses are experiencing, all at the same time. He's being overwhelmed, and I try to make the sentence structure as well as the words I use show that.

Movie directors alternate long shots with short snappy cuts to elicit a prescribed response in the viewer. I see absolutely no reason why a writer shouldn't do the same thing with the *way* that he or she writes, not just the words he or she uses.
 
Just for fun, this is from my chapter of The Worst Chain Story Ever. Operative word: worst.

"Usually she could come on a dime in a New York minute, but her clitoris was fully buried within her plump hot-pink pussy and would not come out as if it had a mind of its own—which seemed a possibility often enough—as if it were a wounded animal hiding in brambles, or a petulant child who had locked itself inside its pup-tent, or a sluggish snail in its shell, or a pupa in its cocoon, or a cockroach encased in million-years-old amber, or the Rhinegold at the bottom of the Rhine, or the dependent clause in a Proustian sentence, or irony in America."

Perdita :D
 
perdita said:
Just for fun, this is from my chapter of The Worst Chain Story Ever. Operative word: worst.

"Usually she could come on a dime in a New York minute, but her clitoris was fully buried within her plump hot-pink pussy and would not come out as if it had a mind of its own—which seemed a possibility often enough—as if it were a wounded animal hiding in brambles, or a petulant child who had locked itself inside its pup-tent, or a sluggish snail in its shell, or a pupa in its cocoon, or a cockroach encased in million-years-old amber, or the Rhinegold at the bottom of the Rhine, or the dependent clause in a Proustian sentence, or irony in America."

Perdita :D

I find this purely enjoyable. The "irony in America" line sealed it for me. :)
 
This first sentence is the very first thing I ever wrote in fiction, and is still my favorite. It's from an unpublished short story called Angel's Blood that wrote to warm up for tackling my novel:

"Covered in her blood I knelt in the street, screaming daggers at a god I could no longer believe in."


This next sentence is one of many that I really enjoy from my novel, Mr. Undesirable:

"We went together like Kennedy's and head wounds."
 
I'm bookmarking this thread so I won't lose sight of it while I go hunt down my best sentence or two. Nice idea, McKenna. And I've loved what everyone has shared so far, each with unique style.
 
Call me what you will but I can't honestly choose specific sentences which stand out above the others from anything I've recently written. A few excerpts from my current favourite 3 pieces so far.

Flat calm becomes splish-sploshed with the darkling sky's bounty as the tide across the way claims its own decaying denizens before home kept children dare venture.

Expectant, fat drops of rain give birth to splotches of wetness as they hit, dappling concrete and wood, just and unjust alike.

Through dismal overcast, lances flame, to waken dozing gulls, scattering heavenwards, searching once more with cacophonous chorus, emblazoning white hulls and silvered masts and lighting those raindrop crowns dancing on the water.


Changed my mind. Three sentences from one piece instead. All the rest of the sentences are just as good, took me ages to pick these.

I may post from the other two pieces later, just to show off.
 
Gauche, those sentences are exquisite, extremely aesthetically evocative, poetic in form and content. But, the sexual sub-text is pure genius. That's what I call brilliant smut.

Perdita ;)
 
I've just realised that after you said it Perdita. They are mucky aren't they?;)

Gauche
 
Like some of the others I don't really have favorite lines in my stories. The closest I come are short paragraphs. ;) Here's two I like pretty well though my real favorite is too long for this thread.

Chasing Fire:

Her head fell onto his chest, her gasps for air matching his own. And even as the man's arms gently caressed her, Anna deliberately extinguished the joy she'd felt in those last few moments of coupling. This is the end, she told herself. It had to be, she no longer believed in beginnings.

Amy's Smile:

But she was as dull as the finish on my old Mazda. The only light I ever noticed in her was when she allowed herself the treat of looking at Liam. Then she would glow, her eyes staring adoringly at him under the one unbroken brow that slashed across her face. It was enough to turn my stomach.


Jayne
 
best paragraph

Here's mine. It is the opening paragraph of my story, 'A Day to Forget' when I pulled all the stops out to show what skills in writing what I have!

I believe it was remarkably successful although not having any feedback I can't be sure. But I know at least 7 people clicked on my story and that's not bad considering it has only been up 12 months.

Quote

He powered into her like a train. (Although as modern trains have electric motors, the brushes of which go round and round, rather than up and down, the metaphor is rather irrelevant for those who only have only ever seen electric or diesel locomotives. It wouldn’t be a train like the 18.30 service from Euston to Milton Keynes either, because that is nearly always running slowly due to engineering works on the line, and it sometimes even has to stop, which of course it always has to do at Hemel Hempstead and Bletchley because the service is only a semi-fast one, rather than an express. Not only that; it doesn’t even have a buffet car! And if that weren’t bad enough, would you believe that it doesn’t run at all on Sundays! No wonder the bloody country is going to the dogs!) When he finally came he took a moment to recover his breath and then he spoke. "How was it for you, Clarisse?"

End Quote

Octavian

My Stories


Edited 5 minutes later to indicate that this is tongue in cheek!
I would hate people to think that this is a serious contribution. Everyone knows that the Saturday service also stops at Leighton Buzzard
 
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Trying to find some good sentences is a daunting task. I found a few that I think were okay, but I don't know that I would go so far to say that they are good.

from Zodiac Girls: Pisces, Lyssa: She opened her soul to the staccato tempo, allowing it to wash over her and soothe her troubled emotions.

Her body seemed to move instinctively to the music, dancing along as the powerful beat vibrated to her very core.




This next one I like simply because I think that most women could probably relate in some way, meaning that most women have probably had at least one experience that would make them think something along these lines.

from When Sally Met Bill: I am going to be faking this one for sure. I hope he cums quickly so I can get him the hell out of here and get some real satisfaction from my vibrator.


I kind of like this next group of sentences too. I think it gives a good picture of the scene. It's from a story that I have not yet posted.

Shattered glass sparkled on the hardwood, reflecting the early morning sunrise. Cottony stuffing billowed from furniture, spilling onto the floor like newly fallen snow. Toys were strewn around the room to such an extent; it looked like a toy store had exploded.
 
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