Speakeasy
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 14, 2002
- Posts
- 751
I found this and laughed out loud... Enjoy!
You Know You're Kinky When....*for enjoyment only*
*...you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will
never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for
*...someone refers to a serial killer as sadistic and you roll your eyes, because
the man has nothing on you.
*...you realized you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year
*...you have more toys than your kids
*...you take up macrame, just to learn some new knots
*...you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to
*...someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort
and start to stamp your foot
*...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns...and you don't eat sweets
*...someone says they have a leatherman, you almost say "me too!" before you
realize they are talking about the tool gadget on their belt.
*...you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen, "Gimme
a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"
*...you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horsejumps are set up.
*...you have a list by the phone for the babysitter....Hospital, Family, and 3
24-hour locksmiths.
*...you are on a first-name basis with all the local EMT's.
*...you have the closest 24 hour locksmith as #1 on your speed dial list.
*...you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work
with leather!
*....you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer.
*...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs , body cavity search,
humiliation scene and time in the cage.
*...Avon tells you stop writing, they are not going to make eau d'leather
aftershave
*...vanilla means anything BUT a flavoring for ice cream!
*...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.
*...you can't pass a candle factory without drooling (or wetting your seat)
*...your kids ask you about conditioning leather....and it takes you a minute to
realize they are talking about their baseball gloves.
*..."chain letter" has a whole different meaning to you.
*...you haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles"
*...you've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's room.
*...the local Leather hobby shop offers you a business account.
*...your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.
*...your body piercings set off the metal detectors at the court house.
*...you need two separate packing and moving crews....one to pack and move the
furniture and belongings, and the other to pack and move the "furniture" and
"belongings".
*...you choose your new house based on it's location: convenient to the leather
store, easily directed to by your friends and the local ambulance drivers, and
just a mile from the emergency room.
*...you become a locksmith to avoid having to make embarassing calls at 2 A.M.
*...the local Home Depot has set you up with a business account...and you are not
a contractor or an electrician.
*...you move to another city, and the hardware store in your old hometown goes
out of business because you don't buy there anymore.
*...escape artists come to you for advice.
*...you say Vanilla like it's a bad word.
*...you can't pass by an iron fence without drooling.
*...you know the location of every tack shop in the tri-state area.
*...your idea of getting a jump in the morning is to hook up the other end of your
nipple clamp to the car battery.
*...you nearly cause an accident pulling into the lot where the sign advertises
FREE TODAY HOT WAX before you realize it's a car wash.
*...you cannot get through the opening lines of "Green Eggs and Ham" (I Am Sam,
Sam I Am) without giggling hysterically.
*...your attitude is "electricity, not just a utility, but a way of life".
*...you've served more people than McDonald's.
*...more people have seen your body on-line than have visited www.cnn.com
*...you spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest.
*...you consider filing a lawsuit for false advertising when the pizza place
has a sign for HOT GREEK-STYLE SUBS but they wouldn't bend over to
please you.
*...you chose your last car based on the location of the garment hooks.
*...the hospital lists you as a triage center, since you're better equipped than
the ER.
*...you sit on Santa's lap to tell him the toys you want for XMas, and get a free
trip on the North Pole.
*...you buy clothespins in the supersize family economy bags, and you don't have a
family or a clothesline.
*...there's enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest.
*...you find yourself wandering through the wax museum's medieval torture
chamber making comments like "gimme a break, my Dom's grandmother could
get out of that!"
*...getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay.
*...you bought a souvenir replica of the Washington Memorial because you were
too cheap to go to the adult store and get a real butt plug.
*...you think Hannibal Lecter is a snazzy dresser.
*...someone tries to talk you out of your blind date by saying he's sick and
sadistic and you perk, god i hope so!
*...you think VA stands for Vanilla Anonymous.
*...turning the switch on has precious little to do with making the lights come on
when you enter the room.
*...the first thing you check when looking for a new car is whether the trunk can
hold a bound submissive or two.
*...you take advantage of the needle exchange program in your city and you have
never used intravenous drugs in your entire life.
*...you fake injuries just so you can replenish the medical play kit from the ER.
*...when you're told your brother-in-law is pussy-whipped, it takes you a moment
to realize that doesn't necessarily mean he's transgendered.
*...you can accurately convert horsepower to #ponygirls harnessed.
*...someone calls your wife a slut and you thank them.
*...your favorite letter of the alphabet is O.
*...nose to the grindstone is an orgasmic abrasion fantasy.
*...you refer to your fully equipped van as "Squeals on Wheels".
*...your travel agent recommends a 4 star bed and breakfast as part of your
vacation plans; you yawn and ask where the nearest Dungeon and Gruel is
to your destination.
*...investing in stocks and bonds means refurbishing the play area.
*...your children think your primary language is acronyms.
*...you have a habit of calling conversion vans perversion vans.
*...you overhear your neighbor training his dog to sit, beg, play dead, roll
over; and find yourself obeying quicker than the dog does.
*...you need to rent a U-Haul to get your toys to the play party.
*...your toilet seat is leather.
You Know You're Kinky When....*for enjoyment only*
*...you keep fake hanging plants around the house, just so your mother will
never know what all those hooks in the ceiling are really for
*...someone refers to a serial killer as sadistic and you roll your eyes, because
the man has nothing on you.
*...you realized you've charged more in lingerie than you get paid in a year
*...you have more toys than your kids
*...you take up macrame, just to learn some new knots
*...you start rating your CDs by how interesting it'll be to beat someone to
*...someone asks how long you've been doing this ponygirl routine, and you snort
and start to stamp your foot
*...your favorite dessert is hot crossed buns...and you don't eat sweets
*...someone says they have a leatherman, you almost say "me too!" before you
realize they are talking about the tool gadget on their belt.
*...you watch a movie where someone gets tied up and scream at the screen, "Gimme
a break, 3 minutes max to get out of that!"
*...you go to the local county fair and salivate when the horsejumps are set up.
*...you have a list by the phone for the babysitter....Hospital, Family, and 3
24-hour locksmiths.
*...you are on a first-name basis with all the local EMT's.
*...you have the closest 24 hour locksmith as #1 on your speed dial list.
*...you join the SCA just so you can learn to make your own chainmail and work
with leather!
*....you speak of crop rotation with someone, and they aren't a farmer.
*...you try to get arrested, just for the handcuffs , body cavity search,
humiliation scene and time in the cage.
*...Avon tells you stop writing, they are not going to make eau d'leather
aftershave
*...vanilla means anything BUT a flavoring for ice cream!
*...leather companies start giving you the wholesale to distributor discount.
*...you can't pass a candle factory without drooling (or wetting your seat)
*...your kids ask you about conditioning leather....and it takes you a minute to
realize they are talking about their baseball gloves.
*..."chain letter" has a whole different meaning to you.
*...you haunt the dollar stores for "pervertibles"
*...you've got a toy chest bigger than the one in your 6 year old son's room.
*...the local Leather hobby shop offers you a business account.
*...your children ask if they can borrow your "costumes" for Halloween.
*...your body piercings set off the metal detectors at the court house.
*...you need two separate packing and moving crews....one to pack and move the
furniture and belongings, and the other to pack and move the "furniture" and
"belongings".
*...you choose your new house based on it's location: convenient to the leather
store, easily directed to by your friends and the local ambulance drivers, and
just a mile from the emergency room.
*...you become a locksmith to avoid having to make embarassing calls at 2 A.M.
*...the local Home Depot has set you up with a business account...and you are not
a contractor or an electrician.
*...you move to another city, and the hardware store in your old hometown goes
out of business because you don't buy there anymore.
*...escape artists come to you for advice.
*...you say Vanilla like it's a bad word.
*...you can't pass by an iron fence without drooling.
*...you know the location of every tack shop in the tri-state area.
*...your idea of getting a jump in the morning is to hook up the other end of your
nipple clamp to the car battery.
*...you nearly cause an accident pulling into the lot where the sign advertises
FREE TODAY HOT WAX before you realize it's a car wash.
*...you cannot get through the opening lines of "Green Eggs and Ham" (I Am Sam,
Sam I Am) without giggling hysterically.
*...your attitude is "electricity, not just a utility, but a way of life".
*...you've served more people than McDonald's.
*...more people have seen your body on-line than have visited www.cnn.com
*...you spend more time on your knees than a Catholic priest.
*...you consider filing a lawsuit for false advertising when the pizza place
has a sign for HOT GREEK-STYLE SUBS but they wouldn't bend over to
please you.
*...you chose your last car based on the location of the garment hooks.
*...the hospital lists you as a triage center, since you're better equipped than
the ER.
*...you sit on Santa's lap to tell him the toys you want for XMas, and get a free
trip on the North Pole.
*...you buy clothespins in the supersize family economy bags, and you don't have a
family or a clothesline.
*...there's enough rope in your bedroom to scale Mt. Everest.
*...you find yourself wandering through the wax museum's medieval torture
chamber making comments like "gimme a break, my Dom's grandmother could
get out of that!"
*...getting tattooed and pierced is merely foreplay.
*...you bought a souvenir replica of the Washington Memorial because you were
too cheap to go to the adult store and get a real butt plug.
*...you think Hannibal Lecter is a snazzy dresser.
*...someone tries to talk you out of your blind date by saying he's sick and
sadistic and you perk, god i hope so!
*...you think VA stands for Vanilla Anonymous.
*...turning the switch on has precious little to do with making the lights come on
when you enter the room.
*...the first thing you check when looking for a new car is whether the trunk can
hold a bound submissive or two.
*...you take advantage of the needle exchange program in your city and you have
never used intravenous drugs in your entire life.
*...you fake injuries just so you can replenish the medical play kit from the ER.
*...when you're told your brother-in-law is pussy-whipped, it takes you a moment
to realize that doesn't necessarily mean he's transgendered.
*...you can accurately convert horsepower to #ponygirls harnessed.
*...someone calls your wife a slut and you thank them.
*...your favorite letter of the alphabet is O.
*...nose to the grindstone is an orgasmic abrasion fantasy.
*...you refer to your fully equipped van as "Squeals on Wheels".
*...your travel agent recommends a 4 star bed and breakfast as part of your
vacation plans; you yawn and ask where the nearest Dungeon and Gruel is
to your destination.
*...investing in stocks and bonds means refurbishing the play area.
*...your children think your primary language is acronyms.
*...you have a habit of calling conversion vans perversion vans.
*...you overhear your neighbor training his dog to sit, beg, play dead, roll
over; and find yourself obeying quicker than the dog does.
*...you need to rent a U-Haul to get your toys to the play party.
*...your toilet seat is leather.
