Yorkshire Dales Deflowering

[steviedr]

I recently had my story published about my first time. One of the comments I received suggested that I should have gone for a hunk. Maybe they were right but it wasn't all about falling in love but more of idolising a close relative. It was a moment cherished and never forgotten. People may say, well what about the betrayal? I say would I have betrayed my feelings if I hadn't.

People's thoughts please.

 

[lovecraft68]

It's customary to post a link to your story because many people won't take the time to look so here it is

https://www.literotica.com/s/yorkshire-dales-deflowering

 

[lovecraft68]

I don't often read a lot of stories in this forum, but this was short so I gave it a look.

First thing that hit me was the first line

I'd just reached the age of 18 and my older sister, her husband and six month old baby had asked me to come to the Dales for a weekend.

Six month old babies can't ask you anything. Your older sister and husband asked you to come for the weekend, you can work the niece in later.

Story itself was fine, I would have liked to see more conflict in the MC seeing this was her sister's husband and there was no mention of any issues between her and her sister or him flirting or being forward, so it seemed a bit sleazy on both her end and the brother in law who just cheated on his wife, with her sister.

Now, this is erotica, I'm not playing moral police, just saying that if you want some realism, and to make it seem less sleazy I'd have added some prior tension, catching the BIL looking at you, some flirting, just enough to make her think he had interest which fueled her desires even further.

I know you say this is a true story so if this is how it happened, it is what it is, but in story form a little embellishment is always a good thing, its fiction.

I say it because my initial reaction was what a piece of work the BIL is...the MC was young, inexperienced and crushing on this guy so he took full advantage. If this is a true story I feel bad for your sister.

Again. this is my opinion so take it for what its worth, but part of feedback is reaction, and mine was negative towards him.

Having said that, I do give some props for you writing a first time story that wasn't sweet and sappy, but kind of the shitty reality we live in which is full of cheats, bad decisions, bad choices, and betrayal.

Paragraphs could be broken up a bit better, there were some really large chunks of text in there.

You say in your post, some people thought you should...they can think what they want, you wrote what you wanted and that is the most important thing so stick with that.

My last comment isn't about the story, but some author to author advice. You have four comments...two from readers, the other two are you replying to readers.

You handle your business the way you choose to, but my advice is not to engage that way in the comments, it comes across as defensive and insecure. You write, they comment, you don't have to agree or like the comment, but you want to have an air of "This is my story, here it is, take it however you want it"

Explaining yourself, and in one instance getting snarky, telling the person who commented to educate themselves, puts you in a bad light and will get you some trolling.

Don't feel compelled to see it my way, I'm just speaking from what I've seen here, and how I feel when I see author's do that.

 

[steviedr]

Thank you.