"Harmless" - commentary track

[TheWritingGroup]

"Harmless" is my (Eddie's) first fantasy story. I like it, but I might be biased. I'd love to get others' feedback.

Voices from the bottom of the stairs. Conversations, an argument about a disobedient son. [Mare and Ronny, who lived three houses down the street from her, and that kid was truly a stinker.]​

I used some eccentric formatting here, because of Literotica's limitations. Italics mean sensory impression, [brackets] mean verbalized thoughts, the internal narrative. I hope that became clear to the reader easily.

Regular text means the nonexistent narrator of most English prose, following the Bravo and telling nothing of the Wizard's internal life. I'll reveal some of that here.

Unfamiliar but equally comforting coldness of the silver chain wrapped three times around her throat, under her shirt’s collar.

The chain doesn't really affect this story. It's here as foreshadowing, or setup, for future events. Also, what I just realized while writing this was a stupid mistake. She's wearing a collared shirt here, but a tunic later. I don't know if I'll bother fixing it.

Hair falling down behind her, mouse-brown and tied carefully with black ribbons into a single club.

This is something I won't labor at explaining here, but I try to make minor descriptions like that reinforce themes. Tying the hair, tying the scroll later, are meant to get your mind thinking about bondage before it actually happens. My job is to get your brain to a particular state. Sneaky stuff like this, well, sure works on me. Same with referring to a club. She will shortly try to use a non-metaphoric club on the Wizard.

Yank! Shockingly sudden, the stick stops motionless in its swing, still behind her! Feet slip away as her right arm stops her upper body, clinging to the stick, while her legs run out from under her. Falling down on her tailbone, sickening lightning bolt of pain.

I'm pretty proud of how this action scene came out. As Annie says, the Writing Group stories are usually exercises. We work on one aspect of writing stories. For me, "Harmless" was working on getting as much sensory description in as I could without dragging down the pacing.

By the way, remember that the Bravo broke her tailbone here. That hurts a lot. Keep reading.

The next short while was confusing and terrifying. Inhuman shapes she could neither see nor understand yanked her limbs and then her whole body around, then strong arms lifted her and plopped her onto what felt like the room’s bed, dizzy and disoriented.

If her tailbone is broken, why doesn't it hurt to be dropped right on her butt? Because the Wizard, who is a healer, healed it as soon as he picked her up (and his senses told him what had happened). He harmed her (accidentally) and the balance of magic and his own nature make him desperately want to fix that.

… Was he waiting for her to calm herself?

“Calm yourself,” he said. She struggled suddenly for a moment not to giggle, her shoulders twitching. “What, did that frighten you? …"

When I write a story, I always try to remember that the characters will make mistakes, misunderstand each other, that plans don't always work out. I think I'll do Writing Group foreshadowing: Billie has an entire story on that theme, probably to be published in September.

More foreshadowing, too. She struggles not to giggle here, then fails to resist when the Wizard tickles her.

About her height, brownish straight hair …

Up close, she could see dark brown eyes in a pale face, large nose and cleft chin … As she studied him, she could see more details: thin mustache that only darkened the upper lip, and the lips were full. Nose somewhat pointed, good teeth and no scars she could see.

A hand that could encompass her entire jaw squeezed her cheeks

He felt enormous, his weight and strength holding her core almost completely still, despite her struggles.

If you pay close attention, you might notice that the descriptions of the Wizard aren't totally consistent even in the few pages of this story. That is not a mistake by the author.

“You might also be aware that some women do not enjoy, let’s say, the conjugal bed as much as the majority.” [Why is he talking like some kind of ancient scholar now? Oh—he’s talking like the scholars who taught him this stuff, isn’t he?]

No, actually he's talking like the books he reads, constantly, as we just saw. The Bravo is very smart, but she's only semiliterate. She's never read an entire book. I enjoy writing smart characters who get things wrong for logical reasons.

Why does the Wizard talk like a book? Because they spend very little time in actual conversations with people and haven't for a long time, for reasons that you might find out in a future installment.

You might have just noticed a pronoun change for the Wizard. That's also not a mistake by the author. Picture me grinning mysteriously.

“No!” She sounded frantic to herself. A part of her knew that resisting was futile …

Yeah, Star Trek reference. I figure this crowd (SciFi/Fantasy on Literotica) are the exact audience for that joke.

“As you can tell, it is a very effective Essence. Of course, I did give you the entire bottle. For most women, I recommend only a drop at a time.” …

He's lying. That's why he capped the bottle so carefully. He doesn't harm. He can and does deceive, especially when dealing with a thug who just tried to hit him with a big stick.

Their tongues met, then he pressed his into her mouth, exploring her teeth, then withdrew as she returned the favor. His mouth tasted of some spice, refreshing and crisp.

Specifically, his mouth tastes of rosemary, because he took a drop of the potion. There's a reason he is overcome by passion a little later in the story, and is actually tempted to break his own moral code.

The wizard’s strong hands flipped her over on her belly, lifting her as easily as she would lift a doll.

This is very much like what Luis does to Maria in "Coffee With Blushes", isn't it? You have to take into account that Annie and I are friends and talk to each other while we write our Literotica stories. We both liked that image, and neither one of us remembers who came up with it, so we decided to both use it.

“I wish there was three of me, so I could lick both your sweaty boobies, while t’other me takes your hind end!” said the voice. [What happened to the scholar? Now he’s talking like a Northern laborer with four drinks in him.] “Should I do’t? Would be an effort, but ye’re worth it, me beauty!”

Why does the Wizard suddenly switch to this gutter argot? He switches because he associates buggery with Northern sailors. This is really the dialect of Northern seafarers, but the Bravo, who has never been to the North or to sea, doesn't recognize it fully.

“Wear off? Oh, no. It doesn’t wear off. I give my customers value. For the insensitive women who normally buy it, one treatment with this Essence helps them have joy and pleasure for the rest of their lives.

This doesn't match what he said before. He's lying as practical joke. The potion will wear off around dawn.

For you, a woman who already relished caresses and contact and coitus …

Relaxed and happy, the Wizard is now speaking like a different set of books. If you could look at the scrolls in the Wizard's saddlebag, you'd find a sack of treatises on magic, and another sack of poetry.

Now he’s speaking in fucking romantic poetry? He seems almost giddy, doesn’t he?

… as I indicate here. Yes, he actually is using phrases from romantic poetry. Because he's feeling romantic, and enjoying it.

Enjoy the only obscenity in this story. I was trying to use as few as I could to increase the impact. You would have to tell me whether it worked.

Feeling the weight and size of the thing in her hand. She also felt, yes, a smooth sausage-shaped thing with a bulbous head. Cool and made of stone.

Eventually, the Bravo will wonder why a male wizard is carrying a big dildo around. And now, so will you. I am grinning mysteriously again.

The door closed with no sound as it struck the frame, but a moment later she heard the lock engage.

Spell of silence, lifted. This will matter.


As usual, I'm curious to read any of your thoughts on this one.

-Eddie

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Hah! "Harmless" becomes the first Writing Group story to get the coveted "Hot" rating!

-Eddie