Yet another newcomer looking for advice

[kinbote]

I'd love to get some feedback on my first three stories:

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-opium-den

http://www.literotica.com/s/ecstacy-times-three

http://www.literotica.com/s/first-wednesday-night

I'm obviously new at this, and while people seem to generally not hate the stories, I'm sure there are ways I could do better.

Sadly, no one is leaving comments suggesting how, so I thought I'd post here.

 

[RuzieD]

Can you give a one sentence summary of each of these stories? I am personally more inclined to read a story when I know a little bit of what's coming.... no pun intended.

 

[kinbote]

Summaries

Sure!

"Opium Den" is about a MFFM foursome;
"Ecstacy" about a MFF threesome;
"Wednesday" is about a budding fuckbuddy relationship.

 

[masterandmargarita]

Hi kinbote,

I am new as well. I'll give you some feedback as a fellow virgin, although hopefully a pro will chime in as well. Take all of this with a grain of salt since I am far from a seasoned writer.

Within the first five paragraphs of the opium den, the narrator establishes that two couples go on a trip together and then his wife goes for his cock in the back seat. That is not sufficient build up, in my opinion. I want to know more about the married couple: are they swingers? does the wife normally do this or is it the first time? Is it exciting or dangerous to be getting a blowjob in that back seat or is it the norm? I don't know enough about any of the passengers to know whether or not this situation should be exciting.

It would help to try and explain what compelled Emily to do this: did something make her horny? Maybe having another attractive woman around made her feel competitive and she wanted to show off. That would be hot. I like it when the husband has to play the guessing game, trying to figure out why his wife is doing what she is doing. It would help the narrative a lot to add a psychological component of some sort.

I think the best part of a first person story is that you get to know what the narrator is thinking and how much they are enjoying it, but I am not really getting that from this narrator. He gives us the blow by blow (pun intended) but we have no idea how he feels about it, how exciting it is for him. Is this a new adventure or just the daily grind (intended again)?

Don't get me wrong, the rest of the story is good and sets out to accomplish what you wanted with the sex. The trick is to drag the rest of the readers along with you by telling us more about your characters from the start and making us curious about what they might do with each other.

In my stories I try to convey what all of the characters are feeling the best that I can, although I too am guilty of holding back on the male lead's feelings. This is something I can improve on as well, I'm not trying to be a hypocrite. Guys are bad at this, me included, but it really does help the other readers if you open up a bit.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Within the first five paragraphs of the opium den, the narrator establishes that two couples go on a trip together and then his wife goes for his cock in the back seat. That is not sufficient build up, in my opinion. I want to know more about the married couple: are they swingers? does the wife normally do this or is it the first time? Is it exciting or dangerous to be getting a blowjob in that back seat or is it the norm? I don't know enough about any of the passengers to know whether or not this situation should be exciting.

This was my reaction also. It felt as if I'd started in the middle of a multi-part story after the setup had already happened. I want to know more about what the characters are feeling, especially in a non-conventional situation like a poly hookup.

That said, some readers will be fine with that - I know there are people who dislike my stories because I spend a lot of time on setup and they want to get straight to the action. But I get the impression those readers don't comment much.

Re. "Ecstacy Times Three": you have the correct spelling "ecstasy" in the story itself, but it's misspelled in the title, which will put off some finicky readers.

 

[kinbote]

...and I'm laughing

Because I'd actually edited that out based on some stories I'd read here.

OK, noted.

And thank both of you for taking the time to read and comment...