YEP! It's great to be Australian!

[wishfulthinking]

The joys of Christmas! from the Australian Bureau of Statistics...

31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas
decorations they believed were chocolate.

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
incidents.

101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.

5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of
control scalextric cars.

3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their
tongue.

142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

and finally:

8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (read passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.

Urban myth - I wish! It's time you booked your flights downunder!

 

[English Lady]

hee hee Sounds great.....now i wonder what he brit stats would be? maybe I don't want to know really *L*

 

[Guest]

Wishful, you're a funny lot!

I love the burns while trying on new jumper with cigarette in mouth thing! LOL!

Oh, and who eats a tree decoration, without realising beforehand it isn't chocolate??? PMSL!

Thanks for the laughs.

Lou

 

[doormouse]

Yeah yeah, but what are the stats for us dumb ass mum's who twist our ankles to 'It's a Wiggly Wiggly Christmas' CD?

lol

 

[ABSTRUSE]

This is funny and frightening:

[A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.]

I'm starting a new program..."Bottle openers for Downunder" all donations will be sent to your country immediately.

 

[minsue]

What were the ornaments made of that were thought to be chocolate?!? Inquiring minds must know!

 

[ABSTRUSE]

What were the ornaments made of that were thought to be chocolate?!? Inquiring minds must know!

Vegemite.

 

[Guest]

Vegemite.

Bahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

 

[minsue]

Vegemite.

You're a sick woman, A/J. I love that about you.

 

[Guest]

Drinking game puts Perth man near death

Near tragic, got you have to admire the initative.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Two questions, Wishful:

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling incidents.

1. What's a cracker pulling?

5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of control scalextric cars.

2. What's a scalextric car?

Rumple Foreskin

 

[minsue]

Drinking game puts Perth man near death

Near tragic, got you have to admire the initative.

Dear god! Almost a Darwin award nominee...

 

[cantdog]

Crackers

Crackers are found in British-related contexts, Rumple.

Imagine in the mind's eye a toilet-paper roll with all the paper gone, shortened up a little (they vary, but a paper tube is the foundation). Wrap the mental tube in glossy wrapping paper in seasonal colors printed with golden doodads of the season. The whole appears like a candy with two twisty ends. You muckle the twisted ends of the wrapping. And pull sharply.

Meanwhile, as you've been imagining the mental object, a strap of tough fiber paper has been strung through the tube, glued to each end among the twists.

It is cut in the middle and overlapped a half-cm, glued back together with explosive material, usually the equivalent of smokeless powder. The sharp pull sets off the small firework, which merely goes bang with about the force of a cap-gun's paper cap, if you remember cap-guns.

Bang! and the arrangement of paper is pulled asunder by the pulling hands of the delighted reveler. These are party-favours and each guest typically has one. Within the tube, along with the firework arrangement, the same sneaky folks have placed toys of slightly better quality than Cracker Jack ones, and a paper crown, which you then put on and look ridiculous in for the balance of the evening.

Many British party pastimes involve looking ridiculous. It's almost a national trait.

Cracker pulling.

 

[oggbashan]

2. What's a scalextric car?

Rumple Foreskin

A Scaletrix (Trademark of Hornby Hobbies Ltd) car is a toy slot racing car powered by an electric motor that collects current from the strips inside the slot. The usual Christmas present version is an oval or figure of eight set of track with two cars, two controllers and a transformer.

Usually bought by Dads for children too young to play with it.

Og

 

[cantdog]

I knew that!

Or, I surmised that. We call 'em "slot cars."

Did I do crackers justice, Og?

 

[oggbashan]

I knew that!

Or, I surmised that. We call 'em "slot cars."

Did I do crackers justice, Og?

You missed out the joke slips.

Every cracker should contain a small piece of paper with a groan-making joke e.g.

"Q. How many elephants can you get into a small car?
A. Four. Two in the front; two in the back.

Q. How many mice can you get into a small car?
A. None. It's full of elephants."

Og

 

[lewdandlicentious]

This is funny and frightening:

[A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.]

I'm starting a new program..."Bottle openers for Downunder" all donations will be sent to your country immediately.

Sod that Abs, WTF is that about EYE SOCKETS?????

WTF???

Two questions, Wishful:

1. What's a cracker pulling?


2. What's a scalextric car?

Rumple Foreskin

And you live where??????

Crackers are found in British-related contexts, Rumple.

Imagine in the mind's eye a toilet-paper roll with all the paper gone, shortened up a little (they vary, but a paper tube is the foundation). Wrap the mental tube in glossy wrapping paper in seasonal colors printed with golden doodads of the season. The whole appears like a candy with two twisty ends. You muckle the twisted ends of the wrapping. And pull sharply.

Meanwhile, as you've been imagining the mental object, a strap of tough fiber paper has been strung through the tube, glued to each end among the twists.

It is cut in the middle and overlapped a half-cm, glued back together with explosive material, usually the equivalent of smokeless powder. The sharp pull sets off the small firework, which merely goes bang with about the force of a cap-gun's paper cap, if you remember cap-guns.

Bang! and the arrangement of paper is pulled asunder by the pulling hands of the delighted reveler. These are party-favours and each guest typically has one. Within the tube, along with the firework arrangement, the same sneaky folks have placed toys of slightly better quality than Cracker Jack ones, and a paper crown, which you then put on and look ridiculous in for the balance of the evening.

Many British party pastimes involve looking ridiculous. It's almost a national trait.

Cracker pulling.

And I suppose you want us to believe you didn't cut that from somewhere?????

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Originally posted by Rumple Foreskin
Two questions, Wishful:

1. What's a cracker pulling?

2. What's a scalextric car?

Rumple Foreskin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"And you live where??????" L & L

In a state of great ignorance. But as my great-aunt Tildy always said, it's better to ask dumb questions than to remain silent and have folks wondering just exactly how dumb you are.

Thanks Cantdog and Og for the informative elucidation.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[cantdog]

I did leave out the joke slips.

They are encoded jokes in British, which is not American, but they're also bad in any language.

I should have said loo rolls instead of toilet paper rolls, for verisimilitude.

 

[herecomestherain]

Oh Lord I'm renouncing my citizenship posthaste. Everyone knows you've got to be really, really pissed to do the bottle opening with the eye socket trick otherwise you just can't relax the eyelid enough. Of course it's been since the introduction of the twist top beer bottle that the real harm has taken place, the gripping while twisting action is hell on your eyelashes.

Cant the cracker description is a cracker. I'd only add that the smell of the cap gun- like explosive that fuels the distinctive "pop" is so evocative of the brief but long past childhood of the cracker puller that it provokes a deep nostalgia only relieved by the wearing of the silly hats and groaning at the woeful jokes (thanks Og)

The other hazard not mentioned but discovered by myself a couple of years ago in the casualty dept. of the hospital, is the number of food poisoning cases caused by food mishandled during a long hot Christmas Day...prawns transported just that bit too far...left out on the bench just that bit too long...nasty business, very, very nasty.

Who'd have thought Christmas could be so dangerous?

 

[rgraham666]

Christ I'm dense sometimes. For a second I thought, "long, hot Christmas Day?"

Then my brain reminds me, "They're in Australia, ya dope!"

Carry on.

 

[wildsweetone]

The joys of Christmas! from the Australian Bureau of Statistics...

31 Australians have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

19 Australians have died in the last 3 years by eating Christmas
decorations they believed were chocolate.

Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling
incidents.

101 Australians since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

18 Australians had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Australians were admitted to casualty in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth or eye socket.

5 Australians were injured last year in accidents involving out of
control scalextric cars.

3 Australians die each year testing if a 9V battery works on their
tongue.

142 Australians were injured in 1998 by not removing all the pins from new shirts.

58 Australians are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

and finally:

8 Australians cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep (read passing out) while throwing up into the toilet.

Urban myth - I wish! It's time you booked your flights downunder!

Maybe Aussies'll improve when they become part of the NZ republic.

 

[Kiss Me]

Yeah yeah, but what are the stats for us dumb ass mum's who twist our ankles to 'It's a Wiggly Wiggly Christmas' CD?

lol

Wiggles related injuries are a wide spread myth Doormouse, none of us have ever twisted ankles, carpet burned knees, had mild concusion from the top of the tv cabinet or knocked over a Christmas tree while Wiggling. It's impossible! We Aussie Mum's have far too much style and grace for any of that!!

Though if my bare feet connect with extremely sharp, nasty little pieces of stray lego or Barbie shoes I can't be held responsible for my gross motor abilities or the non festive words coming out of my mouth.

 

[Gil_T2]

Yeah yeah, but what are the stats for us dumb ass mum's who twist our ankles to 'It's a Wiggly Wiggly Christmas' CD?

lol

PML @ DOORMOUSE

 

[smithie]

And don't forget the rescuing of all the drunk brits and other OS persons who congregate on our beaches, drink too much and try to surf!!!! They are a bit like lemmings - all bright red from sunburn and all trying desparately to drown!