writing help - breaking out of the story

[Thunderdragon99]

So I've got a couple stories written and I'm having trouble with a certain aspect of them. The stories are mostly written to specific people. And I like to talk directly to the person from inside the story. I called it an "aside to the reader" in one of my comments.

The problem is that these asides are causing confusion because I'm not making it clear enough that I'm breaking out of the story. So far it's been obvious to the people that they're written for, but it's confusing the public at large.

And I guess maybe I shouldn't break out of the story like that but it seems so much more personal and exciting to me when I do break out and give her instructions when she's turned on like that. So I'd REALLY like to figure out a way to do this so that everyone is clear on what's going on.

So here's an excerpt - the second paragraph is breaking out:

I sit on a stump in front of your pussy, so I can finger you more easily. I caress your sweet ass, rubbing it, squeezing it. Sliding a finger down your ass crack. You wriggle in anticipation as I rub your tight little asshole.

Fuck yes, I know you are doing it right now. Rubbing your asshole. Rub it for Thun, rub it. Enter it. Slide that finger in your asshole for me. Say it, say it, say, "Please finger my asshole Thun, please please." As your finger slide in and out of your asshole. So fucking hot.

I'm sliding my finger in and out of your hot little asshole. Fuck I love the heat coming off of it.

--------------------------
So I'm thinking that I need some kind of transition....

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

I'm also not entirely certain this is the correct forum, but it seems more appropriate here than anywhere else.

 

[_Lynn_]

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[PennLady]

This is a fine place to ask for such advice, but I think you'll find that these I/you stories are not always so popular with readers. It's great for you and your partner/reader, but the problem with being so specific is that you'll often turn off "third-party" readers, so to speak.

I'm also not entirely sure these asides will work anyway -- if you're giving instructions to one specific person, then fine, but not everyone will want them, or care.

 

[sr71plt]

This example is one where the "she" is interjecting her comments in a "he" perspective story, right? In this specific example, you could put the "she" comments in italics and as long as you stuck to that and didn't use italics for anything else, the reader would stand a chance of understanding what you were trying to do.

There are other devices you could try using too, like putting an * at the beginning and end of an "out of story" section to alert the reader to some unusual technique at play.

 

[Darkniciad]

I think you'd be better served delivering the "asides" the specific reader you're targeting in a copy that only that person has.

No matter how you set it off from the rest of the text, I don't see how you're going to avoid pulling everyone else out of the story when you start talking to one person specifically.

 

[robertreams]

I could see the whole story written that way. as a letter to someone at war or far away.

Or as a phone call, maybe even phone sex within a story.

Or you could say, if she/he were here , here's what i would say to her: indent both sides, maybe ital. too