Would you rather know asap or ...

[BlueSugar]

Say you're friends know something.
And not just any friends.
The ones you consider closest to you.

The same two or three that you confide in, and you feel you're going to keep intouch with through thick and thin. The ones you stay up talking till late with. The ones you've helped through good and bad. The ones you gave unbiased advice to. The few that know you almost as well as you know yourself.

And this something that they know, is bad.
Pretty bad.
Like, your SO betraying you on some point of your relationship, bad.
I guess this bad thing could be cheating, or going back to drinking/drugging, gambling ... something they know has tried your relationship before, and if brought up again will most likely kill your relationship now.
(of course, unless, your SO repents, it never happens again, and it was just a slip and you're a communication fixing god/ess)


But they know you're SO will tell you, soon... as soon as they see you again, or at least within the week that they do this bad thing.


Would you rather

A. Know from your friends who you usually lean on when things are bad, so that when the SO tells you ... you at least thought about it a little and it isn't such a shock ... etc.

or

B. Have them not tell you so it comes from your SO and you work on it from there?



why or why not, maybe give an example plus your opinion, and even put yourself in the friend's shoes give why or why not and an example if you've been here before.

edit:
and if you've been dating this person for say 3+ years. And their friends are your friends and your friends are their friends and the friends are friends ... but you've always had one or two each that are "just" your friends and for your SO the same situation.

and if you were the last one to know. your SO hasn't said anything, your friends are walking on eggshells playing stupid ... they don't feel its "their place..." to say anything ...


any of that change your feelings/thoughts/above statements?



Please refrain from responding "it depends on the situation" provide yourself a hypothetical senario and go with it. I know everyone is different.

 

[yoshimitsu]

Well it totally depends on the situation.
J/K
I don't think it really does.
It's not a friends roll to withold information like that. It's also not always best to come from the friends mouth. I have always thought the best way to approach a situation like that would be to give the perp an ultimatum. Tell them it probably would be best coming from their mouth and I can handle biting my tongue for a certian period of time but I would let them know it makes me uneasy and I would like it dealt with as soon as possible. Then I would give them what I felt a fair amout of time, 3 days, a week something like that. If you don't tell them I will have to and it will be worse for all of us.

 

[LadyJeanne]

I'd rather my friends tell me right away. Even if he gets around to telling me at some point, I'd rather know, I'd rather have time to think about it - just as he is giving himself time to think about how to tell me. The friends will be honest about what they saw or know, and that will give me a more complete picture when he tells me his side of it.

I could easily see myself getting blindsided by the guy, and then finding out that my friends knew, and being really pissed. They are my friends - why would they hold out on important information that could save me from getting run over by a truck?

Mixed metaphors, ah well, you get the picture.

 

[ewopper]

I'd rather my friends tell me right away. Even if he gets around to telling me at some point, I'd rather know, I'd rather have time to think about it - just as he is giving himself time to think about how to tell me. The friends will be honest about what they saw or know, and that will give me a more complete picture when he tells me his side of it.

I could easily see myself getting blindsided by the guy, and then finding out that my friends knew, and being really pissed. They are my friends - why would they hold out on important information that could save me from getting run over by a truck?

Mixed metaphors, ah well, you get the picture.

You all make good points, but I find you can always say or think what you'll do until the time to act. When my first wife was screwing around on me I had friends that knew but wouldn't tell me and although I felt bad when I found out they knew, I'm glad they didn't tell me for if they did I'd probably be in a jail cell doing life, or I'd be working in a daisy factory pushing up daisies. Everyone is going to have a different opinion. the best advice I can give is hope you can deal with it.

 

[ewopper]

I'd rather my friends tell me right away. Even if he gets around to telling me at some point, I'd rather know, I'd rather have time to think about it - just as he is giving himself time to think about how to tell me. The friends will be honest about what they saw or know, and that will give me a more complete picture when he tells me his side of it.

I could easily see myself getting blindsided by the guy, and then finding out that my friends knew, and being really pissed. They are my friends - why would they hold out on important information that could save me from getting run over by a truck?

Mixed metaphors, ah well, you get the picture.

I think we'd all prefer that, but unless the friend doesn't really care about your feelings they'll tell you but sometimes they are battling conflicting emotions... should they tell you or shouldn't they. Iwas caught up in a situation years ago where a friend went in the service so he wanted me to keep an eye on his gf. She came to my place one night to have sex with me
as insurance that I wouldn't tell she was seeing another guy. I stayed out of it all together by turning her down. It was a good thing I did too. He found out about her escapades, he beat her ass and they went back together. Though I never told him, in the long run I kept the friendship of both, and most of all their respect.

 

[lizaveta]

Well it totally depends on the situation.
J/K
I don't think it really does.
It's not a friends roll to withold information like that. It's also not always best to come from the friends mouth. I have always thought the best way to approach a situation like that would be to give the perp an ultimatum. Tell them it probably would be best coming from their mouth and I can handle biting my tongue for a certian period of time but I would let them know it makes me uneasy and I would like it dealt with as soon as possible. Then I would give them what I felt a fair amout of time, 3 days, a week something like that. If you don't tell them I will have to and it will be worse for all of us.

I agree with this. It's not a friend's place to interfere with the relationship, and if the "perp" (love that!) is planning to tell her anyway, you telling her first would definitely be interfering.

However, if the perp keeps mum you probably should tell your friend what you know. Be prepared for your friend to shoot the messenger - not that she will, but it's always a possibility. Also be sure you have the facts straight before you say anything; if the information is based on a rumor or from a source you aren't sure you can trust, you might be setting yourself up for disaster.

Plus, if you tell her first and they stay together anyway, she may feel awkward seeing you and the bf in social situations together in the future. Whether she chooses you, the bf, or just tries to balance between the two, she'll be put in the middle and nobody wins.

If at all possible, just be there for her with a box of tissues and a pantry full of comfort food.

It's a bad situation, but good luck!

 

[TBKahuna123]

But look at this from the friends' point of view. There may be a fear factor that the person won't believe them and thus it can screw up a friendship. I live through this very thing. I had a girlfriend in high school and college who had cheated on me several times. My friends tried ot tell me, but I wouldn't listen. I was totally codependant and spineless. To counteract this she spun it back on me that one of my friends had actually made a pass at her. I believed her over my friends, every time, because I was totally in denial and she was a master manipulator. In the end it almost cost me my two best friends in the world. When she finally admit to me that she had been cheating on me, it crushed me, not only because of what she had done, but because I almost lost my friends defending her.

Good thing I have good friends who understood. I'll still remember that day as the day I grew a spine. Still, no matter how hard it was, I would rather have heard it from them right away, just like they tried to do.