Would this be an issue for you?

[fellow314]

Some feel loved when they're hugged. Others aren't so fond of hugs

Some feel loved when they're kissed. Others aren't so fond of kisses*

Some feel loved when someone sucks their toes. Others aren't so fond of toe sucking.

Some feel loved when they're spanked. Others aren't so fond of spankings

Some feel loved when they're tied up. Others aren't so fond of bondage.

Doesn't it only matter that she (and you) feel loved? Why does it matter what that takes as long as your desires match?

Is there some subtlety I'm missing?










*I have to admit, I think these people are just plain weird

 

[angie19]

As I've seen a few cases of this sort of misconception in my psychology classes, I'm going to suggest that there is something to dig deeper into that. Pain does not in any case equal love. Granted we all have our kinks, as do I, and it's why we're in this forum in the first place. But that mismatch in perception is quite a bit worrying. The most common thing with pain (that I've seen) is the chemicals released by it, or the reason behind it ( ie. the mistreatment, punishment, like me, etc.) Though that does bring an interesting thought to mind: since the chemicals released by the body to help deal with pain are endorphins, and endorphins are what make us feel love, maybe that's how she decided to word it [also, the pain and pleasure receptors, as all we kinksters know, are very close in the brain], but I still wouldn't let that go, I still would say strongly it's something to look into.

If you know her history, and no red flags appear, I will suggest going further back ( if you haven't already ) into childhood, as most of these mismatches start there, in a molestation or abuse, etc. If you already have, either 1) there's something she just wont let out. 2) Her mind won't let her, meaning, she might have a repressed memory, fairly common.
So yes, it is something to look into, with great importance. You should also be careful, as these things are dealt with by a trained psychologist.

As for the quick skim over the post 25 and others of the same nature, (no I don't wish to start any arguments, it's just a reference towards my opinion) I think these other doms are actually wise, and know about these tell-tale signs. I'd say they have experience. We shouldn't be that defensive over a new suggestion over trouble, we should look into it just in case.

Finally I'd like to hmm "congratulate you" though I'm not sure that's exactly the word I'm looking for.. for even posting this thread, and indeed worrying about her, and not immediately throwing out the window what those other doms said. That says a lot about you, she's a lucky girl
Best of luck!

 

[elysium_quester]

I agree with most people here and say that whatever makes her feel loved by you (unless you're a bit scared to hear that, but I'm guessing you're not) is a good thing and to be pursued (which sounds like you're doing).

As for the psychoanalysis or psycho-something advice from angie19, I would just like to say that pain, in the right circumstances and performed by the correct person, does equal love or feeling loved. And I would advise this original poster (nice name, HottieMama ) to just relax and not worry all too much about her childhood. I'm not asking for her limits and I'm not saying that being more into "sm" than the "bd" or "ds" is a cause for alarm, but for future reference, especially if this girl is something really special, you could ask about her childhood but I would tiptoe around this because if a Dom asked me this, even a long-term one, I would wonder if He was thinking there was something wrong with me or if there is a "reason" I'm like this. Just go carefully and make it clear that you're concerned about her and make the point about this other male Dom that asked her about pain.

Good luck.

 

[knot_sweet]

You and your girl seem to have talked about this openly and honestly. You know there are no past indicators why this would be a problem. Your girl saying she feels 'loved' when you give her pain could be semantics or it could be how she really feels. You would know that better than anyone because you listen to her. So if you know that she needs this from you, and you want to fulfill the need, then I say be happy and play well.

Incidentally, I feel incredibly loved when M/M chooses to hurt me. I love Him for letting me into His darker side freely, knowing I will accept and love Him for it. I love that He wants to see my pain and love me for it too. Pain is just another way for He and I to love. It's something we do rarely, and not something I've really experienced with another dominant, nor could I ever imagine wanting to. But for Him? This man I love beyond anything I've ever known? Heck yes, I equate love with pain.

I'm not sure if that's going to make sense to anyone else on here.

 

[angie19]

I would just like to say that pain, in the right circumstances and performed by the correct person, does equal love or feeling loved.

I agree. But it's not the actual pain -disregarding the chemicals- that makes the feeling of love. As you said, right person, right circumstances, meaning its the actual attention that that right person gives. The problem is the confusion.
After posting I consulted with another BDSM enthusiast/psychologist. She concluded the same with more detail into what might've happened and the root of that mismatch. In short, the parent most probably only showed attention by inflicting pain, and since this was the only sign of attention, and children need affection, it was conceived as such. Mind you we're both kinksters, we don't come around judging, but you asked, we answered, and psychology like it or not plays a role everywhere.

Now what EQ says regarding being careful about asking, I totally agree. I hate it when doms ask me abour my "roots" I really get pissed off, specially because I hate talking about my personal life and because some get off on it. *shivers* But that's another story. My point is, yes be very careful how you approach it, but I'm sure your caring part will show through.

Again, good luck

 

[_Stardust]

I agree. But it's not the actual pain -disregarding the chemicals- that makes the feeling of love. As you said, right person, right circumstances, meaning its the actual attention that that right person gives. The problem is the confusion.

Personally, it sounds like you may be over-complicating the situation somewhat, because of your background in psychology.

A somewhat reticent sounding girl said that she enjoys receiving pain as that makes her feel loved. She possibly could have added more to that statement, but didn't want to, and shouldn't beed to justify herself. Should all pyls start demanding why the PYLs that enjoy causing pain do so? It seems a bit of an unecessary jump to assume that this proves some form of molestation or abuse took place. She didn't say any and every type of pain from any and every type of person would make her feel loved.

It sounds like she has a really good relationship with the OP and they both trust each other.

 

[BiBunny]

Personally, it sounds like you may be over-complicating the situation somewhat, because of your background in psychology.

Agreed. There are quite a few of us here with backgrounds in psychology, and none of us have had this reaction.

Sounds a lot like the psychological form of med school syndrome to me.

 

[His_pet_slut]

I agree. But it's not the actual pain -disregarding the chemicals- that makes the feeling of love. As you said, right person, right circumstances, meaning its the actual attention that that right person gives. The problem is the confusion.
After posting I consulted with another BDSM enthusiast/psychologist. She concluded the same with more detail into what might've happened and the root of that mismatch. In short, the parent most probably only showed attention by inflicting pain, and since this was the only sign of attention, and children need affection, it was conceived as such. Mind you we're both kinksters, we don't come around judging, but you asked, we answered, and psychology like it or not plays a role everywhere.

Now what EQ says regarding being careful about asking, I totally agree. I hate it when doms ask me abour my "roots" I really get pissed off, specially because I hate talking about my personal life and because some get off on it. *shivers* But that's another story. My point is, yes be very careful how you approach it, but I'm sure your caring part will show through.

Again, good luck

Sooo, you are here as our resident psychologist? No thank you. You need to remember an adage we nurses used to tell the new residents, "when you hear hooves, think horses, not zebras" unless of course, you are in Africa.

If you read all of this as carefully as you say, you also saw the posts regarding the girl's tendency to be shy and not overly adept at articulating herself around strangers. This likely has much more to do with what you are perceiving to be a disconnect in the situation. If she had said she equated pain given by any random person with love, that would be cause for concern. With her Mistress that is obviously very loving and caring? Not so much.

 

[RoxyChick69]

perfect post...

Tis is absolutely the most perfect post I ever read.

I agree with you. I read it several times and wanted to use it as a wall quote!

 

[CutieMouse]

Tis is absolutely the most perfect post I ever read.

I agree with you. I read it several times and wanted to use it as a wall quote!

 

[Edith_UK]

Sorry for not knowing enough about this stuff to say anything of value, but His_pet_Slut, your posts are fascinating. I'm listening.

 

[His_pet_slut]

Sorry for not knowing enough about this stuff to say anything of value, but His_pet_Slut, your posts are fascinating. I'm listening.

Um, thank you.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

no, his_pet...Thank YOU!

 

[Red__Herring]

Why?

In short, the parent most probably only showed attention by inflicting pain, and since this was the only sign of attention, and children need affection, it was conceived as such. Mind you we're both kinksters, we don't come around judging, but you asked, we answered, and psychology like it or not plays a role everywhere.

If psychoanalysis was a patient, Sigmund Freud would be its parent. Not only did he create it but also fucked it up.

It is not relevant anymore, but I couldn't resist.

 

[Conager]

I've said something very similar to J. When the initial realization hit me [that the rougher he treated me, the more loved I felt], it was uncomfortable [for me]. I had to do a little soul-searching to make sure I was seeing things clearly, and not hiding behind/making excuses for something that wasn't good for either of us.

We talked about it off and on over a few months, and what it finally boiled down to was this -

There is a part of me that needs to feel certain things.Things that most of the world thinks are wrong, or sick, or inappropriate, but for whatever reason those needs are just as valid as my need to be heard, or snuggled, or respected, or valued. Ultimately, I don't feel loved because of how hard he uses me; I feel loved because he sees my need, and is willing to accept/validate it without judgment. As he said the other week - it's a "package deal".

I miss CutieMouse posts.

 

[Jamie_and_Lisa]

From a neurochemical point of view. Pleasure and pain are abstractions. There are only varying degrees of stimulation. Like "cold" is an abstraction. Some people get their neurostimulants from coffee, others tea, others cola. So long as we don't injure ourselves its all just a choice, a matter of preference.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

I miss CutieMouse posts.

Me as well. I got a little excited when I saw the quote...

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I also miss CutieMouse’s voice here! Nice blast from the past thread.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

CutieMouse AND BiBunny. I worry about Bunz.

Yes, bunny too.

I know people can get bent out of sorts when others “bump old threads,” but I often read through and am reminded of the forum’s missing voices.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

I think it depends on WHY it was bumped.

Oh, for sure. There are plenty of substantive bumps.

I love when the bump is someone inexplicably hitting on an OP who hasn’t posted in over a decade. /s

 

[JamieJ424]

You’re fine. That dom guy sounds like a know it all asshat.

 

[davion2308]

Nope, no problems

There are zero concerns. She accepts affection and attention through some pain because she can certainly feel it and giving the other person trust to inflict pain on her is a way to emotionally connect along with the physical act of sex.

Talk it out but she sounds just fine.