would love feedback ...

[ladywolf526]

well i had my first story posted,i am still new to all of this.ive been here just about a month now. i am excited about it and would truly love to hear what others say.if there is a reason you didnt like it please tell me why, so i can improve the next...
thank you
ladywolf526

 

[46738]

Nice story...still sporting a wood!

Try not using I and You so much.

 

[Chicklet]

Very nice story, very nice images. I liked it. Your writing flows like poetry, it really does, very natural. You have talent and I'm happy to see your story on lit. I don't like present tense or second person, with the you and I and such and such, but you made it work pretty well. There were very few complaints on my part, very few things I shook my head at.

IM so exhausted from the day.

God IM getting so hot and aroused. IM so wet.

First off, what's with the "IM"? Do you mean "I'm" or "I am"? That was a little bit confusing.

Secondly, one of the hard things about writing in present tense is keeping it up.

I roll over on the bed, now laying face up. I look over at the door and I just notice you standing there. You were so amazed at my show that you became incredible aroused.

The first part is present tense, the second part past tense. Very simple mistake, easy to make, but can disconnect a reader from the story.

You stuck you face between my legs and ran you tongue right down the center of my pussy. You sucked at each of the lips briefly and burrowed you tongue straight for my clit.

You're using "you" instead of "your" here. Again, very simple small mistake, but something that nitpickers like myself will stumble over. Your natural and wonderful style is being hampered by these tiny mistakes, and it may be hurting your votes and readings.

OOOOOOOO my GOD!!! oooooooooooh!!!! That feels sooo good I said.

This is a place you may have wanted to use quotation marks, a new paragraph, etc, to make it more readable. If you're going to include "I said" then you should do it right. In the style of your story, I felt that "I said" wasn't even needed, though. Your story flows like poetry or spoken whispers into a lovers ear, but this little thing disconnects that again.

Your story was good. You are good. I think that if you just went over your writing one or two more times, you could fix the little nitpicky problems inside it. Sometimes, and I'm guilty of this as well, it's hard to see our own mistakes. That's what editors and indeed this whole forum is for. If you want to fix your problems, you can.

Good luck in the future = ) Looking forward to reading you again.

-Chicklet

 

[ladywolf526]

Nice story...still sporting a wood!

Try not using I and You so much.

yea i kinda thought the i and you where a bit much..but tring to tell a story from my view, what else would you recommend.

 

[ladywolf526]

Very nice story, very nice images. I liked it. Your writing flows like poetry, it really does, very natural. You have talent and I'm happy to see your story on lit. I don't like present tense or second person, with the you and I and such and such, but you made it work pretty well. There were very few complaints on my part, very few things I shook my head at.



First off, what's with the "IM"? Do you mean "I'm" or "I am"? That was a little bit confusing.

Secondly, one of the hard things about writing in present tense is keeping it up.



The first part is present tense, the second part past tense. Very simple mistake, easy to make, but can disconnect a reader from the story.



You're using "you" instead of "your" here. Again, very simple small mistake, but something that nitpickers like myself will stumble over. Your natural and wonderful style is being hampered by these tiny mistakes, and it may be hurting your votes and readings.



This is a place you may have wanted to use quotation marks, a new paragraph, etc, to make it more readable. If you're going to include "I said" then you should do it right. In the style of your story, I felt that "I said" wasn't even needed, though. Your story flows like poetry or spoken whispers into a lovers ear, but this little thing disconnects that again.

Your story was good. You are good. I think that if you just went over your writing one or two more times, you could fix the little nitpicky problems inside it. Sometimes, and I'm guilty of this as well, it's hard to see our own mistakes. That's what editors and indeed this whole forum is for. If you want to fix your problems, you can.

Good luck in the future = ) Looking forward to reading you again.

-Chicklet

well i am should have been used your right i didnt pick that up at all, i still made a few errors in uses certain things.the stuff you pointed out was very good, i should have picked up on it and even after using a spell check and rereading it a few times i didnt.thank you for pointing it out ill be sure to take more care and time to reread next time. look forward to you reading more of my story posts in the future.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello ladywolf526,

Adding to the feedback you have already received:

Yes the you and I, or second and first person, stories can be an awkward read especially in the present tense. Try first person/ past that’s a nice intimate way of writing and it seems to have a wide appeal. Unfortunately no matter how good your story is many readers will simply back click when they see it’s written in second person/present tense.

I guess the thing that struck me when I read your story was the number of sentences beginning with “I” in the first half and the number beginning with ‘you” in the second. I felt it would have been a better read with more variation.

Being super nit picky here, I see you used brackets. Authors who know a lot more about it than me say – “don’t use them in a story as it breaks the flow of suspended belief.”

ooooooh ooooooooooh!!!

This is a pet aversion of mine, and many other too. Lots of extra letters don’t really give extra impact. I don't mind a few, but go easy on them. They can occasionally stuff up your formatting too, so it's best to avoid them.

Now the key part of any story on this site - the sex. You sure know how to dish it up hot and steamy! It really sizzled for me. Just watch out for words repeated too often and too close together, simply because they can clutter up a good read. Like a one stage I felt there were just too many 'cocks'. Damn it, did I really just say that?

Overall, a good read.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day.

Alex (fem).

 

[ladywolf526]

Hello ladywolf526,

Adding to the feedback you have already received:

Yes the you and I, or second and first person, stories can be an awkward read especially in the present tense. Try first person/ past that’s a nice intimate way of writing and it seems to have a wide appeal. Unfortunately no matter how good your story is many readers will simply back click when they see it’s written in second person/present tense.

I guess the thing that struck me when I read your story was the number of sentences beginning with “I” in the first half and the number beginning with ‘you” in the second. I felt it would have been a better read with more variation.

Being super nit picky here, I see you used brackets. Authors who know a lot more about it than me say – “don’t use them in a story as it breaks the flow of suspended belief.”

ooooooh ooooooooooh!!!

This is a pet aversion of mine, and many other too. Extra letters don’t really give extra impact. They can occasionally stuff up your formatting too, so it's best to avoid them.

Now the key part of any story on this site - the sex. You sure know how to dish it up hot and steamy! It really sizzled for me. Just watch out for words repeated too often and too close together, simply because they can clutter up a good read. Like a one stage I felt there were just too many 'cocks'. Damn it, did I really just say that?

Overall, a good read.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day.

Alex (fem).

thank you alex, i do agree with everyone so far with saying i over did it with the i and you.i wondered the same thing but couldnt think of what to replace it all with...ill be sure to put more though and use the suggestions im getting here towards my next story.
they are great ones, and being my first story i am liking all of the suggestions
thank you
ladywolf526

 

[ladywolf526]

anyone?

does anyone else have any other suggestions for my stories...

 

[Wolfie39]

Hi,

New here too so my words of wisdom will pale against some of those 'veterans' around here. Firstly, to write as you have done in the first person has got to be THE most difficult story telling perspective to write from.....well done for making such a good stab at it. I think the general comments already posted hit the mark tho, too many 'I look' 'I feel' etc at the start of sentences. Just take it as read that after the first paragraph or two the reader understands this is from a first person viewpoint and you can slip im more discriptions without prefacing them with 'I'

Hope this is not too harsh, just a sugestion is all. Keep up the good work.

Wolfie39

 

[ladywolf526]

Hi,

New here too so my words of wisdom will pale against some of those 'veterans' around here. Firstly, to write as you have done in the first person has got to be THE most difficult story telling perspective to write from.....well done for making such a good stab at it. I think the general comments already posted hit the mark tho, too many 'I look' 'I feel' etc at the start of sentences. Just take it as read that after the first paragraph or two the reader understands this is from a first person viewpoint and you can slip im more discriptions without prefacing them with 'I'

Hope this is not too harsh, just a sugestion is all. Keep up the good work.

Wolfie39

ok thanks you wolfie, i will remeber that..im writting anew as we speak and will use less i's and you's thanks alot...

 

[baldbart007]

my humble opinion

Hi,
Good story, I enjoyed it.
I wonder if you read it through having written it?
There is a lot of use of "I" throughout,.
You can ring the changes by putting, for example...
"Having unclipped the waistband, my skirt slid down my thighs to land in a wrinkled heap on the floor."
Instead of
"I reach behind and undo the clasp to my skirt. I unzip it and let it fall to the floor. I kick it to the other side of the room"

Can you see the difference?

Other than that there were some silly typos, like "evens of the day" rather than "evenTs"

I am no expert, and I hope you don't think I am being a smartass, after all I have only posted 1 story, and just submitted the 1st part of another.
Whatever, I hope it helps.
Tropical Regards,
Bart

 

[DarlingNikki]

Re: my humble opinion

Hi,
...
There is a lot of use of "I" throughout,.
You can ring the changes by putting, for example...
"Having unclipped the waistband, my skirt slid down my thighs to land in a wrinkled heap on the floor."
Instead of
"I reach behind and undo the clasp to my skirt. I unzip it and let it fall to the floor. I kick it to the other side of the room"

Can you see the difference?
...

Whatever, I hope it helps.
Tropical Regards,
Bart

Everything before your first comma refers to "my skirt." Therefore, with your revised sentance you are grammatically saying, "My skirt unclipped the waistband and slid down my thighs..."

 

[ladywolf526]

Re: my humble opinion

Hi,
Good story, I enjoyed it.
I wonder if you read it through having written it?
There is a lot of use of "I" throughout,.
You can ring the changes by putting, for example...
"Having unclipped the waistband, my skirt slid down my thighs to land in a wrinkled heap on the floor."
Instead of
"I reach behind and undo the clasp to my skirt. I unzip it and let it fall to the floor. I kick it to the other side of the room"

Can you see the difference?

Other than that there were some silly typos, like "evens of the day" rather than "evenTs"

I am no expert, and I hope you don't think I am being a smartass, after all I have only posted 1 story, and just submitted the 1st part of another.
Whatever, I hope it helps.
Tropical Regards,
Bart

thank you...i did read and read a few times, believe it or not i even allowed severeal friends to read and be a critic. nobody said anything..before submitting i even read it again.i do agree to many i's and yous.i also see what you mean on how to use it differently.i will be sure to recheck the next story im working on..thank you again.

 

[ladywolf526]

Re: Re: my humble opinion

Everything before your first comma refers to "my skirt." Therefore, with your revised sentance you are grammatically saying, "My skirt unclipped the waistband and slid down my thighs..."

ok thank you..

 

[Guest]

 

[ladywolf526]

I would agree with the other comments and find the I/you gets in the way of the story. The pace also seems hurried, so much in such a short span is unrealistic (at least to me). However, the sex was steamy and got my glasses fogged up.

As an alternative to the you/I, maybe try first person/third person with dialog. Punctuation for conversation (double quotes " ") and thoughts (single quotes ' ') can be a bitch, but there's some good advice on the Editor's Forum BB

thanks for your advise, ill check that out...