Would love feedback on my first submission

[coventure]

Same old story, I'm sure: I've finally managed to put together the first part of my first attempt at erotic writing (or fiction writing of any kind, for that matter). I'm really happy to see it has received pretty good ratings so far, but given it is a first effort I would love to get some real input on... well... anything; from the writing style to the story to the characters. I'm relatively confident in my overall direction - I know the story I want to tell - but I'm certain there are things I can improve upon to do so in a more believable, engaging or exciting way. In particular, the two areas that I am struggling with and would love suggestions about:

1) The story pushes a boundary between non-con and reluctance. I'm targeting reluctance, trying for that very delicate line around the point of "Oh god, this is embarrassing and I'd really rather this not happen like this (powerless and in front of other people) even though I am actually enjoying it" without ever crossing into the territory of outright, "No. Stop. I absolutely don't want this." I'm not sure that I've successfully hit that, and as the story continues (with my idea being that it becomes increasingly sexual) I need all the help I can get figuring out how to maintain that boundary.

2) Believability. I'm sure this is a common problem when dealing with subject matter of this kind, but I would love insight on what I can do to keep the story as grounded as possible while still allowing the fantasy to progress further. Dialogue and character descriptions/personalities are where I felt I had the most trouble, and I'm wondering if that comes across as a weak point?

Thanks in advance!

https://literotica.com/s/breaking-point-pt-01

 

[countdowntolov3]

Alright! Your story hits some of my interests, so I'm excited to provide some feedback.

Summary​

I liked your story. I think from a plot perspective you built a good foundation for the humiliation fantasy and you delivered on it.

The setup did feel relatively believable. As in, much more believable than most of its contemporaries. You did some work to set up that there was an escalation leading up to the intensity of the main event, which is a common stumbling point.

Brooke is a pretty unlikeable character who gets a comeuppance. If that was your goal, good job. Personally, I'll admit, that after Brooke wimped out I was annoyed with her and invested in seeing her get her due. So good job there!

The rest of my critique is, well, a critique. It focuses on the stuff that didn't work well for me as a reader. So, please don't take it to mean that I didn't like your story, I did.

Head Hopping​

Let's talk about head hopping. You do it a lot. You seem to be doing in consciously, because as far as I can tell you've split each section (denoted by "---") by headspace. But I think for this to work you're going to need to change a few things.

First, the sections are just too short. The amount of head hopping kept me feeling constantly whiplashed. By the time I realized I was in someone's head I was already in someone else's.

Second, it's often unclear to the reader whose head they're in. I think you are trying to indicate this by starting each section off with the person whose head we'll be in. But this is often still unclear. Take the start of this section...

Anna has already unfastened the top of Brooke's shorts before she realizes what's happening. "Are you fucking kidding!?!". Brookes tone conveys genuine surprise.

Whose head are we in? Brooke's thoughts are presented in the first sentence. But later developments in this section will show that Anna is the intended headspace.

Thirdly, I don't think you're gaining much from the explicit headspaces. As far as I can tell the only thing having headspace scoped sections is letting you do is write italicized inner dialogues. And, as I'm about to argue, I think those should probably just be removed.

Italicized Inner Dialogues​

Dovetailing off the headspace issues, I don't think the italicized inner dialogues worked very well. I found them very distracting and they didn't seem to be changing my understanding of the characters

For example:

"What do you mean? Just because she's bigger than me?" Brooke spits back.

Amber raises an eyebrow at her friend's choice of words.

What has gotten into her tonight?

Amber's reaction was enough for me to understand her confusion. The inner dialogue is redundant. This is the case for most of them.

The inner dialogues are made especially jarring because I found that I often had to reread and investigate the text to figure out whose dialogue it was.

Actually... this might be perfect...

That one I'm still confused about. Is that Zach or Anna? Both of them have their thoughts exposed in the section and it's a reasonable reaction for either of them.

The Setup Is Highly Utilitarian​

I'm a big fan of utilitarian setups in short erotica. So I am not ragging on your for beginning your story with what is essentially a summary of the situation prior to the action. In fast, I think this is the strongest piece of your story.

However, it felt a little too lengthy to be all-tell no-show. I think it would be improved by replacing some of your tells with examples. It doesn't even have to cost you more words. Things like...

For a few weeks it worked beautifully, as a combination of luck and skill -- and on one desperate occasion, getting away with outright cheating -- kept Brooke fully (or near-fully) clothed even while each of her girlfriends ended up baring it all.

For a few weeks it worked beautifully, as a combination of luck and skill -- and on one desperate occasion, hiding a critical ace of hearts in her cleavage -- kept Brooke fully (or near-fully) clothed even while each of her girlfriends ended up baring it all.

The Women Don't React Believably to Anna and Brooke's Fight​

(I'm a woman. Seems maybe relevant credentials for this section.)

Forgive me if I'm unfairly characterizing your intent here, but it seemed to me like you were attempting to write Veronica and Amber's reactions to the fight believably by having their first instincts be placation. Nothing wrong with that. Obviously that's not every woman's reaction to such a situation but it is not an uncommon reaction. It's a stereotypical female reaction for a reason.

But I think you missed something in your execution. People tend to be very good at their primary social strategies.

Veronica and Amber's conflict resolution attempts are poor, at best,

the curvy brunette settles on backing her up, as passively as possible, "I mean... sort of? I guess?"

If you'd like to make their characters more believable. Realize that a "people pleaser" like Veronica has spent her whole life learning what pleases people. She should be very good at it.

I Don't Think Brooke Enjoyed It​

You asked if it was clear that Brooke enjoyed the experience. I don't think it was. My understanding of Brooke's head space was that she was pissed the whole time.

I think this is exacerbated by the fact that you don't have Brooke give in to the command to moan. As a reader I understood this to be a (heavy handed) implementation of the "she is too proud at first but is overwhelmed by the pleasure" trope. So when Brooke didn't give in the command, I understood that as an indication that the pleasure was not in fact overwhelming. This was also fed by my personal interpretation of the sex acts being done to Brooke (three fingers "ramming" and "driving" in, no clit stimulation), which, while sexy in some contexts, is not what I'd recommend as a go-to pleasure someone.

Some readers, I'm sure, will interpret Brooke's wetness as proof that she's loving it. I'd just ask you and those readers to think about their own anatomy and the choices it sometimes makes.

The Elephant in the Room is Ignored​

Really minor note here. I was confused that the girls didn't frame their takedown of Brooke as, "well now that you're feeling better you still have to pay the price for losing."

Lean Into Brooke's Embarrassment​

Since you called our embarrassment in your description of the story. I assume this is a kink we share and you wanted to play into it. Take this advice with a grain of salt. I may just be letting my personal preferences bleed through here.

I think the things that happen in your story are quite embarrassing for Brooke. But I did not feel her embarrassment all that much. you mention that she's blushing at one point. But mostly she comes off as resistant and angry.

Spending more time in Brooke's headspace at this point in the story might help. Another, more option, technique, is to be less coy about describing Brooke's anatomy as she becomes more exposed. Combining them can be powerful. When Brooke's legs are spread and she in wet she'll be very very aware of exactly what her friends are seeing. Is she worried what they'll think about her apparent arousal? Is she body conscious? Presumably she is, since she was the most afraid of getting naked.

 

[coventure]

Alright! Your story hits some of my interests, so I'm excited to provide some feedback.

Summary​

I liked your story. I think from a plot perspective you built a good foundation for the humiliation fantasy and you delivered on it.

The setup did feel relatively believable. As in, much more believable than most of its contemporaries. You did some work to set up that there was an escalation leading up to the intensity of the main event, which is a common stumbling point.

Brooke is a pretty unlikeable character who gets a comeuppance. If that was your goal, good job. Personally, I'll admit, that after Brooke wimped out I was annoyed with her and invested in seeing her get her due. So good job there!

The rest of my critique is, well, a critique. It focuses on the stuff that didn't work well for me as a reader. So, please don't take it to mean that I didn't like your story, I did.

Head Hopping​

Let's talk about head hopping. You do it a lot. You seem to be doing in consciously, because as far as I can tell you've split each section (denoted by "---") by headspace. But I think for this to work you're going to need to change a few things.

First, the sections are just too short. The amount of head hopping kept me feeling constantly whiplashed. By the time I realized I was in someone's head I was already in someone else's.

Second, it's often unclear to the reader whose head they're in. I think you are trying to indicate this by starting each section off with the person whose head we'll be in. But this is often still unclear. Take the start of this section...



Whose head are we in? Brooke's thoughts are presented in the first sentence. But later developments in this section will show that Anna is the intended headspace.

Thirdly, I don't think you're gaining much from the explicit headspaces. As far as I can tell the only thing having headspace scoped sections is letting you do is write italicized inner dialogues. And, as I'm about to argue, I think those should probably just be removed.

Italicized Inner Dialogues​

Dovetailing off the headspace issues, I don't think the italicized inner dialogues worked very well. I found them very distracting and they didn't seem to be changing my understanding of the characters

For example:

Amber's reaction was enough for me to understand her confusion. The inner dialogue is redundant. This is the case for most of them.

The inner dialogues are made especially jarring because I found that I often had to reread and investigate the text to figure out whose dialogue it was.

Actually... this might be perfect...

That one I'm still confused about. Is that Zach or Anna? Both of them have their thoughts exposed in the section and it's a reasonable reaction for either of them.

The Setup Is Highly Utilitarian​

I'm a big fan of utilitarian setups in short erotica. So I am not ragging on your for beginning your story with what is essentially a summary of the situation prior to the action. In fast, I think this is the strongest piece of your story.

However, it felt a little too lengthy to be all-tell no-show. I think it would be improved by replacing some of your tells with examples. It doesn't even have to cost you more words. Things like...

For a few weeks it worked beautifully, as a combination of luck and skill -- and on one desperate occasion, getting away with outright cheating -- kept Brooke fully (or near-fully) clothed even while each of her girlfriends ended up baring it all.

For a few weeks it worked beautifully, as a combination of luck and skill -- and on one desperate occasion, hiding a critical ace of hearts in her cleavage -- kept Brooke fully (or near-fully) clothed even while each of her girlfriends ended up baring it all.

The Women Don't React Believably to Anna and Brooke's Fight​

(I'm a woman. Seems maybe relevant credentials for this section.)

Forgive me if I'm unfairly characterizing your intent here, but it seemed to me like you were attempting to write Veronica and Amber's reactions to the fight believably by having their first instincts be placation. Nothing wrong with that. Obviously that's not every woman's reaction to such a situation but it is not an uncommon reaction. It's a stereotypical female reaction for a reason.

But I think you missed something in your execution. People tend to be very good at their primary social strategies.

Veronica and Amber's conflict resolution attempts are poor, at best,



If you'd like to make their characters more believable. Realize that a "people pleaser" like Veronica has spent her whole life learning what pleases people. She should be very good at it.

I Don't Think Brooke Enjoyed It​

You asked if it was clear that Brooke enjoyed the experience. I don't think it was. My understanding of Brooke's head space was that she was pissed the whole time.

I think this is exacerbated by the fact that you don't have Brooke give in to the command to moan. As a reader I understood this to be a (heavy handed) implementation of the "she is too proud at first but is overwhelmed by the pleasure" trope. So when Brooke didn't give in the command, I understood that as an indication that the pleasure was not in fact overwhelming. This was also fed by my personal interpretation of the sex acts being done to Brooke (three fingers "ramming" and "driving" in, no clit stimulation), which, while sexy in some contexts, is not what I'd recommend as a go-to pleasure someone.

Some readers, I'm sure, will interpret Brooke's wetness as proof that she's loving it. I'd just ask you and those readers to think about their own anatomy and the choices it sometimes makes.

The Elephant in the Room is Ignored​

Really minor note here. I was confused that the girls didn't frame their takedown of Brooke as, "well now that you're feeling better you still have to pay the price for losing."

Lean Into Brooke's Embarrassment​

Since you called our embarrassment in your description of the story. I assume this is a kink we share and you wanted to play into it. Take this advice with a grain of salt. I may just be letting my personal preferences bleed through here.

I think the things that happen in your story are quite embarrassing for Brooke. But I did not feel her embarrassment all that much. you mention that she's blushing at one point. But mostly she comes off as resistant and angry.

Spending more time in Brooke's headspace at this point in the story might help. Another, more option, technique, is to be less coy about describing Brooke's anatomy as she becomes more exposed. Combining them can be powerful. When Brooke's legs are spread and she in wet she'll be very very aware of exactly what her friends are seeing. Is she worried what they'll think about her apparent arousal? Is she body conscious? Presumably she is, since she was the most afraid of getting naked.

Fantastic - exactly the kind of input I was hoping for (and then some)! I really appreciate you taking the time to provide such detailed feedback.

 

[countdowntolov3]

Oh good. I'm glad you liked it!

I liked reading your story and hope you write more!