would like some feedback, if you could

[NeonSubtlety]

I'm signing up for a little spoken word open-mic night in february for the first time in over 4 years. I only started trying to write it again about a week ago, and only started practicing last night, after i signed up. Following is a link to the post where I originally posted the audio files, and i'll paste the text of the poems below. Please, let me know if you find weak points in the delivery or substance. I'm not trying to be great. I'm just trying not to be awful, haha.

http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?p=36553544#post36553544


Text for first piece:

If jealousy wore clothes,
mine would shop in the children’s section.
It’d rock knee socks and a calculator watch,
L.A. Gears that light up when you walk,
and fucking He-Man underoos because
my jealousy has ambition.

It’s new to the world;
it doesn’t know its place or its name.
Squinty-eyed in the new light,
crying when left alone and frightened,
a titan of egocentrism with just a tint
of connivance and manipulation.

And you walked in,
laying your chin on that squirting flower.
Happiness bubbled inside
your insides and tides of victory
wash ashore when you see me there,
and salute my childish envy.

Your eyes are slavemasters,
lashing at boundaries in a circle around me.
Our fourteen months don’t matter,
and the only thing left is shattered pride
and this guy, the winner who just picked
at his nose and flicked it.

So fuck you and your handbag;
I’m sure he’s a superhero in bed.
You can have that table and this bar,
not far is a quiet corner where me and jealousy
can play darts, order a pitcher, take it easy.
Because girls always need a new handbag.





and 2nd:


Rocks knock at the window
and even stones thrown sound soft
when tossed by those hands—
like Midas, if clouds were currency,
you’d touch gold and make puppies,
touch misers and make Pappies,
hold cynics until they see
how simple things can seem
when you know how long grass is.

In neutral, we drift
shift to drive when we can’t see lights,
daring Wednesday night to stop two dreamers.
Our breath teeters on the edge of fog
and your old Fairmont sings songs,
Air streaming into melody,
metal percussing in the back seat,
upholstery snapping a backbeat,
melting until rules are gone.

Headlights stripe the lake
And we make beautiful shadows, taking
each other’s hands and creating castles.
“This way,” I say
jumping quickly and taking you with me,
hands squeezing tightly,
braving cold if it might be,
closing our eyes and praying,
like it’s the first time we’d felt water.

But you crack embankment like pavement,
playing hide and seek in the deep
before you surfaces sideway.
You kiss if kisses are lifeless,
sleep if sleep is dreamless,
smile even if meaningless,
and you feel how long the grass is,
creating castles with your hard hands
in a headlight silhouette.

 

[Angeline]

I couldn't get the links to work, so I couldn't hear them.

But I read them both and prefer the second. I think it's the stronger piece overall and if you are reading them in the order you posted them, I think it's good to end on that second piece.

I haven't done an open poetry mic in years and had found, at least where I was reading, that the more performance oriented slammy stuff was what people wanted to hear. I don't write (or read) that way, but I think you can make these poems work straightforward or more slam style.

Sorry if this isn't much help but I respect you for putting yourself out there for your poetry and hope it goes well!

 

[butters]

ok, been listening to these. i only have time atm to comment on the first one:

there are places i feel you could slow down your delivery, just a smidge, and places where you could lay more emphasis of certain words. it's pretty good as it stands, and i know delivery's not an easy thing for most people. all my suggestions are minor tweakings, feedback you asked for. i hope they may be of some use to you.

If jealousy wore clothes,
mine would shop in the children’s section.
It’d rock knee socks and a calculator watch,
[by a placing a raised intonation on 'knee' it makes that line more musical to the ear - as it stands now, as you speak it, 'knee' becomes lost amongst a sameness of sound. just that slight lift would bring the line more life.]

L.A. Gears that light up when you walk,
and fucking He-Man underoos
because
my jealousy has ambition.
[i dropped your 'because down a line, since that's how you perform it, with that spoken break. by laying more emphasis on 'my jealousy', longer on the 'my' but also slowing down 'has ambition', it lends more character, more personality to the jealousy, makes it more an identity than an emotion.]


It’s new to the world;
it doesn’t know its place or its name.
ok, here you make use of a semi - but not in the reading. i feel you rushed into that next line, but it'd work better if you delivered it as it stands here, with the semi, but would then lose the period after 'name' and make that the shorter pause a comma/line-break affords as, i think, you spoke it.

squinty-eyed in the new light,
crying when left alone and frightened,
a titan of egocentrism with just a tint
of connivance and manipulation.

And you walked in,
[sounds like you read that as 'walk' - you're going to have to determine which tense you want to use throughout this verse as you swap back and forth. i'd stick with present if i were you.]
laying your chin on that squirting flower. -
Happiness bubbled inside
your insides and tides of victory
wash-ashore when you see me there,
and salute my childish envy.

Your eyes are slavemasters,
lashing at boundaries in a circle around me.
[you don't read that with a period pause but rush into the following line - so you need to amend the write or the delivery... maybe go for a semi, to slow it down just enough to allow 'our fourteen months' to carry a little more weight instead of getting lost as i feel it does now in delivery]
Our fourteen months don’t matter,
and the only thing left is shattered pride
and this guy, the winner /who just picked -
[again, delivery v written - you read it with a pronounced break between 'winner' and 'who just'... maybe:
and this guy,
the winner
who just picked at his nose
and flicked it.]
at his nose and flicked it.

So fuck you and your handbag;
[you could afford a little more emphasis on the 'fuck' you ... make it a little more heartfelt, a little more open and hurt, but not shrill ... as it stands in delivery right now, it's a throwaway. maybe that's your intention, but i think we need to feel the hurt here.]
I’m sure he’s a superhero in bed.
You can have that table and this bar,
[same sort of thing - emphasis on that 'have' in delivery - slows the line down just a touch]
not far is a quiet corner where me and jealousy
can play darts, order a pitcher, take it easy.
Because girls always need a new handbag.
[definitely suggest emphasis on 'always' - again works for the pacing of that last line.]