would like input from experienced people please

[jumpingjunky]

My wife and I have been married for over 24 years now and for the most of that she has been a rather conservative person in the bed room. She has been willing to try just about anything I want but I have always been a little worried she won’t like things I try. We have been in the swing lifestyle for a little while but only played a few times, the MFM, FMF, and couples swap in the same room thing. I love to please her I want her to cum every time we have sex, I do not like to leave her hanging ever. Whenever we have sex she put her hands above her head and that more or less means ill do what ever. I have told her she is sub. (Does that sound sub to anyone else?, I am not sure). The other night she said she would like me to be the freak she knows I am. I’m not sure if she is ready. I like the idea of having her restrained in a position that is fuckable and able to do anything else. And I like to spank her when we are doggie style but I don’t think I could hurt her and I don’t know if she really wants the pain as much as the helplessness. Is this even BDSM? Or maybe to light for this chat forum LOL and what are good restrains system and how do I get her more into it?
Any help in this area would be great thank you.

 

[jumpingjunky]

sorry everyone

I didnt profread lol we have been married 14 yrs not 24 lol

 

[DeservingBitch]

First, it doesn't sound to me like your wife is that 'conservative' in bed as you say. She's been willing to try what you've suggested, and you've had some swinging experiences. That's not 'conservative' to me. But that's beside the point.

What about you talk to her, and have a conversation with her about your respective fantasies, desires, etc.? Nobody on this forum can tell you what your wife wants -- only she can.

 

[snowy ciara]

My wife and I have been married for over 24 years now and for the most of that she has been a rather conservative person in the bed room. She has been willing to try just about anything I want but I have always been a little worried she won’t like things I try. We have been in the swing lifestyle for a little while but only played a few times, the MFM, FMF, and couples swap in the same room thing. I love to please her I want her to cum every time we have sex, I do not like to leave her hanging ever. Whenever we have sex she put her hands above her head and that more or less means ill do what ever. I have told her she is sub. (Does that sound sub to anyone else?, I am not sure).

Dan Savage of the Savage Love column coined the phrase "GGG" which stands for "good, giving and game" I got an uncomfortable twitch when you said "I have told her she is sub." She might be. But she might not be and she is the one who gets to make that decision. Not you. It sounds like she could be GGG, she could be a bottom, she could be a bedroom sub, she could be yearning to be a 24/7 sub, or she could be just as kinky as you are and too shy or embarrassed by her desires to express them to you. The only way to find out is to talk to her. And there is nothing wrong with any of the roles above. Some people get all "subbier than thou" about the difference between subs, but Ds in an individual thing. Don't listen to anyone who tries to tell you that a slave is better than a sub, or a bedroom sub is somehow not as "true" as a 24-7 sub. That's bullshit.

Sit her down somewhere in a non sexual situation and talk to her. Ask her what her desires are, if she feels submissive, and when and how. There are kinky checklists that you can print out and fill out and see where your compatible kinks are. Or you could simply take a sheet of paper, and make three columns labeled "yes", "no" and "maybe". Think of every kinky thing you've ever thought of, seen, heard, imagined and put it in the correct place on the list. Then compare. Don't be surprised if your normally conservative wife has some out there fantasies! I'm thinking she's just a bit kinked as you are since she's been willing to experiment with swinging.

The other night she said she would like me to be the freak she knows I am. I’m not sure if she is ready.

I'm not saying that you should come home in full leathers with a bull whip and thunder in your best Charlton Heston voice "Kneel bitch and worship my winkie!" but I am saying that if she's asking this, she's ready for more. My Domme told me a long time ago what she's interested in, and she recently introduced some new aspects into our relationship. When I asked "why now" she said "because you were asking me a lot of questions about it, so I knew you were ready." Bear in mind that we're only getting your end of the story and not hers, but she's probably ready to go a little further. Talk to her first and then take it slowly.

I like the idea of having her restrained in a position that is fuckable and able to do anything else. And I like to spank her when we are doggie style but I don’t think I could hurt her and I don’t know if she really wants the pain as much as the helplessness. Is this even BDSM? Or maybe to light for this chat forum LOL and what are good restrains system and how do I get her more into it?

Being into BDSM doesn't have to mean extreme pain. I'm into some extreme sorts of pain, but not others. We all have our kinks. For example, I've taken a beating with the tawse, flogger and willow switch that reduced one of her other subs to tears and he was just watching. But keep those nasty icky stingy needles faaaaar away from my nipples and pink and tender bits. But a week later, she made his cock look like a hedgehogs, using those same wonderful stingy bitey needles he so loves while I quietly turned green in the corner. (I'm a girl, btw, no hedgehog cock for me.)

So anyway, I need a little pain in my life. Another of her subs doesn't. He's more into financial worship, and humiliation play. BDSM is a subjective thing. If you feel it, you are it, and devil take the naysayers. Don't get caught up in the Big Nasty Domly Sadist from Hell stereotype. As always, honest communication of both of your desires is incredibly important so again, you need to talk to her. (Seeing a theme here? Good communication is key, and a lot of people forget this.)

As for getting her more into it, it depends on her. I hesitate to suggest video or visual porn, because they tend to be really extreme and a lot of it is, well stupid. I find that most visual stuff (hogtied.com, extremebondage.com, sexandsubmission.com) either turn me off or make me laugh. But if your wife likes visual porn, then go for it. Just take it with a whole shaker of salt. You also see a lot of staged stuff that's really unsafe on some of those sights. Like there was one where they were pretending to stuff a frayed extension cord in someone's pussy and she was screaming quite theatrically. At one point, you can see that it's not plugged into the wall as she's going through the motions. But a lot of people earn Darwin awards trying stuff they see in the media, and I hope no-one ever tries this at home.

Does she read romance novels and do you see a lot of historicals in her hands? There are a lot of Ds undercurrents in those as well as some light pain play. I've lost count of how many woman have been spanked, restrained or "forced" in those. If she is into those, get a little racier. If you're not too easily embarrassed, hit the erotica section in your local bookstore, like Borders or Barnes n Noble. Look through the novels you find there, and take a few home. If you (or she) are too embarrassed to buy them outright, note the title and publisher and come home and hit the Internet.

Also, Lit has a huge bdsm section on the story side of the site. It's really heavily slanted towards the more extreme side, but there are basic Ds stories there. You just have to look a little harder.

As for non-fiction, there are a lot of options out there:

By Dossie Eastman and Catherine Lizt, you have:

When someone you love is kinky.
The New Topping Book
The New Bottoming Book
(or the old versions of either one)

By Jay Wiseman

SM 101 ( the exercise I suggested with the "yes, no, maybe" lists came from either Wiseman or the ladies above. I think is was the Wiseman though.)

By John Warren

the Loving Dominant

And of course,

Screw the Roses, Send me the Thorns by Phillip Miller and Molly Devon.


There are getting to be a lot of books on BDSM theory, but the ones I mentioned above are good for beginners. When you get more involved and see where your interests are going, you can go from there.

I don't know very much about bondage and how to do it, so I'm not going to answer that. Homburg or BiBunny or someone will probably wander through soon, and they'll have lots of info for you.

Any help in this area would be great thank you.

Best of luck to you and your wife!

 

[Homburg]

I don't know very much about bondage and how to do it, so I'm not going to answer that. Homburg or BiBunny or someone will probably wander through soon, and they'll have lots of info for you.

I am summoned!

Yep, I do a lot of rope bandage, and I've posted a fair amount of pics involving what I do. You'll see a link in my sig to that thread in fact.

I'm of two minds. I'm nervous about getting actual true newbies into rope bondage, as it is a complex topic, and can be dangerous if done improperly. By the same token, 20' of 5/16" nylon solid braid is dirt cheap (around $4 at my local DIY), and will thus be a lot easier for someone new into BDSM to wrap their brains around than leather cuffs (lots more than $4).

The simplest way is to put her face-down, ass-up and tie her wrists behind her back. It's not complete immobilisation, but it is good enough to start. And, honestly, you don't want complete immobilisation at this stage. Get her used to bondage in light-handed ways, and introduce more bondage as time goes on.

If you have specific questions related to bondage, or other topics, feel free to PM me. You can also post rope/bondage-related questions to my Ropework Photos thread. There's a number of other folks there that produce a pretty solid knowledge base of restraint practitioners.

As to the rest, DB and snowy covered it beautifully.

 

[twysted73]

* warning..I'm feeling particularly froggy today *

Communication is paramount.

What she's thinking as "kinky" might not be what you'rte thinking of as "kinky".

So as not to strip the random fun out of a suprise scenario, yet still make sure it's pleasurable, write out a "To Do" list for her. Include ALL the things that twyst your nipples and make you happy.
Write those that you really want but worry she won't like into Column A in red text, put the rest in Column B in Blue text and hand it to her.
"Honey, this is how "kinky I am". Is there anything here that scares you or that you aren't sure turns you on? If so, draw a simple line through them and circle the ones you really like."

This is, essentially, creating an indirect line of communication worry free for her.
(Plus, it's very much like a shopping list...most of them looooove to shop. Options are just hot.)

Now the scary secrets are out, she's fully aware of just how kinky you are and she gets to pick and choose what she likes on your menu.

OMG I'm a frikkin closet Genius!

Come back to me when you need more inspiration. I'm a font.

 

[BiBunny]

I don't know very much about bondage and how to do it, so I'm not going to answer that. Homburg or BiBunny or someone will probably wander through soon, and they'll have lots of info for you.

Well, I've wandered through, but I admit that I don't know that much about bondage. So I'll just bow to Homburg's superior knowledge in that department.

What I do know a bit about, though, is causing sensation through methods besides impact (spanking, floggers, etc.). I've said several times here that I'm not that crazy about "beatings," either giving or receiving, really. (Yes, I know, blasphemy!) However, there are tons of ways to play without impact, in case either you or your wife are apprehensive about that at first.

My personal favorite is clothespins (or clamps if you want to spend the money on them) on different areas of the body (doesn't have to be limited to nipples or genitals). I rather like a whole line of them down the inside of the upper arm, for example. You can be creative and artistic with it if you want, and it can hurt as much or as little as you want it to.

There are bunches of others, of course. Wax play, ice cubes, hot oil, abrasive surfaces (a clean metal dog brush, for example), bunny or other soft fur or fur-like material, and so on. These are all fairly simple, inexpensive, and non-threatening ways of introducing sensation. They can all be quite painful or not painful at all, if the giver and/or receiver so desire(s).

Crap, now I'm going to lose my distinction as evil, sadist woman.

 

[jumpingjunky]

Thank you all

Thank you all for your input it this area. thankfuly after allour time together the on thing we can do it talk, or at least she can always talk to me but you all know how men are and not showing their feelins but I have gotten to trust her with everything so we do talk about everthing we do both in out marragie and the bed room. these are some great I deals and I will us a few of them the list things sounds like a good idea and fun at the same time. thanks again for all your input and the future input that I am sure I will get. Thanks

 

[SweetErika]

I agree with the above advice, and just wanted to add a bondage resource from one newbie to another:

http://www.easternrope.com/fashions2/thumbnails.php?album=25

Is an easy way to make rather comfortable wrist and ankle cuffs. If you don't have a 4-poster bed, you can tie the ends to the legs of the bed.

I'd start with wrist restraints only at first (plus, that alllows you to move her legs in all sorts of fun positions). Make sure you use rope that's not rough on the skin (you can also wrap her wrists in something soft first), read up on bondage safety and have safety/paramedic scissors (they have blunt ends, so as not to cut the person) handy in case there's an emergency or she panics.

You could also start by just tying her wrists together above her head, and move on from there if she likes it.

 

[WriterDom]

I'd hate to see what you call liberal in the bedroom. All I'd add is to invest in a good pair of wrist and ankle restraints. They aren't cheap but they'll last forever.

 

[DeservingBitch]

Never mind.

Carry on people.