Would really appreciate feedback on The Game ch 4
thanks
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=73341
thanks
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=73341
Would appreciate
- Thread starter Hudson
- Start date
Octavian
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 17, 2002
- Posts
- 601
Feedback as requested
Hudson
I have read your story. I don't wish to be unkind but you have to
make an effort to improve your punctuation.
Let me give you an example from your story.
"Samantha climbed back onto the table and danced in front of Michelle giving her a seductive wink, she then straddled Michelle repeating the process moving her pussy only close enough to smell it, Samantha turned and exposed her tight pink arse to Michelle and slowly pushed it towards her, Samantha spread her legs until Michelle could see the wetness of Samantha's pussy, Samantha slowly moved her buttocks towards Michelle until all she could see and smell was Samantha's hot cunt, Samantha turned to Michelle and smiled, the music stopped and Samantha finished sitting spread legged on the table in front of both of us. "
Now I think there are some six or seven separate actions, yet it is a single sentence! You have used commas when full stops were necessary. This is not the only example I could have used.
I don't know how often you read the posts on this particular forum. Writers are frequently advised that a change of speaker necessitates a new paragraph.
I have the feeling that you have posted the story the moment you finished writing it. That is not a good idea. All stories benefit from a measured reread and it is surprising how many errors you can correct during this process.
I didn't feel engaged by the characters but to be fair, I haven't read the earlier chapters. Had I been reading this for my own pleasure I might not have got beyond the first paragraph. This is because there seemed to be no reason whatsoever why Michelle suddenly decided to go to a strip club. However this is a matter of personal taste and it is clear there are some readers who do not want much in the way of background. The best way to judge this is by the feedback you receive.
I hope you are not too disheartened and that you will have taken on board these well intentioned comments the next time you write.
Octavian
Bearer of the Silver Rose
Hudson
I have read your story. I don't wish to be unkind but you have to
make an effort to improve your punctuation.
Let me give you an example from your story.
"Samantha climbed back onto the table and danced in front of Michelle giving her a seductive wink, she then straddled Michelle repeating the process moving her pussy only close enough to smell it, Samantha turned and exposed her tight pink arse to Michelle and slowly pushed it towards her, Samantha spread her legs until Michelle could see the wetness of Samantha's pussy, Samantha slowly moved her buttocks towards Michelle until all she could see and smell was Samantha's hot cunt, Samantha turned to Michelle and smiled, the music stopped and Samantha finished sitting spread legged on the table in front of both of us. "
Now I think there are some six or seven separate actions, yet it is a single sentence! You have used commas when full stops were necessary. This is not the only example I could have used.
I don't know how often you read the posts on this particular forum. Writers are frequently advised that a change of speaker necessitates a new paragraph.
I have the feeling that you have posted the story the moment you finished writing it. That is not a good idea. All stories benefit from a measured reread and it is surprising how many errors you can correct during this process.
I didn't feel engaged by the characters but to be fair, I haven't read the earlier chapters. Had I been reading this for my own pleasure I might not have got beyond the first paragraph. This is because there seemed to be no reason whatsoever why Michelle suddenly decided to go to a strip club. However this is a matter of personal taste and it is clear there are some readers who do not want much in the way of background. The best way to judge this is by the feedback you receive.
I hope you are not too disheartened and that you will have taken on board these well intentioned comments the next time you write.
Octavian
Bearer of the Silver Rose
Dear Octavian
Thankyou for your honest feedback, I am guilty for writing and posting my stories as soon as I have just finished them and I need to control some will power to slow the process down. I also have been told before that I use run on sentences a lot, and up until now have not really understood exactly what people have meant, however I think your example is exactly what people have meant,thankyou for helping.
Cheers
Hudson
Thankyou for your honest feedback, I am guilty for writing and posting my stories as soon as I have just finished them and I need to control some will power to slow the process down. I also have been told before that I use run on sentences a lot, and up until now have not really understood exactly what people have meant, however I think your example is exactly what people have meant,thankyou for helping.
Cheers
Hudson
dr_mabeuse
seduce the mind
- Joined
- Oct 10, 2002
- Posts
- 11,528
I was really impressed after the first few paragraphs, up until the part where Samantha came out. Yes, you need help with punctuation and some grammar and spelling, but I was so impressed with your story telling ability up to that point that i was willing to forgive your lapses.
I'm pretty sure you didn't even pay any attention to this, but you took your characters from their home to a strip club in a very nice and natural manner. You didn't fumble around with all sorts of explanations of why they were going or how they got there. There's just am ease and naturalness there that is really a gift. You can tell a story.
The problem is, the story stops at the strip club. I don't know about anyone else, but for me the description of a stripper at work is just not especially sexy at all. We know what we're going to see, so let's get on with it, and the business of her dancing on your table and shoving her ass in Michelle's face was just not believable to me, nor especially erotic.
I wish the story could have continued. I mean the narration of what the characters did, not the description of the stripper's dance. That's what you do best.
Also, I would stay away from slang. Descibing music as "groovy" really dates you. (Don't know about UK, but here "groovy" went out with the 70's) I don't even like mentioning songs by name. Of course, the whole idea of a strip club is kind of dated too, but I'll give you that.
---dr.M.
I'm pretty sure you didn't even pay any attention to this, but you took your characters from their home to a strip club in a very nice and natural manner. You didn't fumble around with all sorts of explanations of why they were going or how they got there. There's just am ease and naturalness there that is really a gift. You can tell a story.
The problem is, the story stops at the strip club. I don't know about anyone else, but for me the description of a stripper at work is just not especially sexy at all. We know what we're going to see, so let's get on with it, and the business of her dancing on your table and shoving her ass in Michelle's face was just not believable to me, nor especially erotic.
I wish the story could have continued. I mean the narration of what the characters did, not the description of the stripper's dance. That's what you do best.
Also, I would stay away from slang. Descibing music as "groovy" really dates you. (Don't know about UK, but here "groovy" went out with the 70's) I don't even like mentioning songs by name. Of course, the whole idea of a strip club is kind of dated too, but I'll give you that.
---dr.M.
Dr M
Thanks for your feedback.
It is great to recieve constructive feedback, I have taken both yours and Octavian's points of view and I think with a rewrite I might be able to pin this story down to being far more sensual and convincing.
Once again thanks
Hudson
Thanks for your feedback.
It is great to recieve constructive feedback, I have taken both yours and Octavian's points of view and I think with a rewrite I might be able to pin this story down to being far more sensual and convincing.
Once again thanks
Hudson
NoJo
Happily Marred
- Joined
- May 19, 2002
- Posts
- 15,398
I liked it, and liked the descriptions of the stipper.
In fact I read it becasue of Dr M.s description in his post of the stripper shoving her ass in the girl's face!
I don't like some of your "said" words: "inquired" -- I don't know about you, but I rarely say "inquired". I only hear it when people are speaking formally, like getting information from a company on the phone, or talking to the police.
Similarly, "replied" and "exclaimed". Both are redundant. They have an "adverb" side. I would prefer if you pruned these words completely, relying on the fact that words like "Wow" IMPLY exclamation.
Or use an exclamation point instead! Or even two!!
Also use personal pronouns rather than repeat names or labels ("Michelle", "the waitress"). Lastly, miss out "he said" etc when it's obvious who's doing the talking.
This is how I'd edit your 4th para, with a minimum of changes:
You wrote:
The hostess offered us a table by the stage or a more discreet cubicle towards the back of the club, I accepted the cubicle to Michelle's disappointment, I told her that I was a little uncomfortable being out in the open for all to see, especially if one of her work colleagues or clients showed up, "You don't want to ruin your reputation over an impulse," I said. Michelle looked at me with eyes that could have easily turned me into stone, her glare interrupted by a petite redhead, "Would you like a drink she inquired?" Michelle's eyes transfixed onto the topless waitress, "Ill have a large Vodka thanks, Michelle said staring at the redheads pert breasts. " Same for me," I replied.
My edit:
The hostess offered us a choice of either a table by the stage or a more discreet cubicle towards the back of the club. To Michelle's disappointment I chose the cubicle. I told her that I was a little uncomfortable being out in the open for all to see, especially if one of her work colleagues or clients showed up.
"You don't want to ruin your reputation over an impulse," I said.
Michelle glared at me with eyes that could have easily turned me into stone.
She was distracted [you don’t interrupt a glare, I think] by a topless waitress, a petite redhead.
"Would you like a drink?" she asked.
"I’ll have a large Vodka thanks.” Michelle, transfixed, stared at her pert breasts.
"Same for me," I said.
In fact I read it becasue of Dr M.s description in his post of the stripper shoving her ass in the girl's face!
I don't like some of your "said" words: "inquired" -- I don't know about you, but I rarely say "inquired". I only hear it when people are speaking formally, like getting information from a company on the phone, or talking to the police.
Similarly, "replied" and "exclaimed". Both are redundant. They have an "adverb" side. I would prefer if you pruned these words completely, relying on the fact that words like "Wow" IMPLY exclamation.
Or use an exclamation point instead! Or even two!!
Also use personal pronouns rather than repeat names or labels ("Michelle", "the waitress"). Lastly, miss out "he said" etc when it's obvious who's doing the talking.
This is how I'd edit your 4th para, with a minimum of changes:
You wrote:
The hostess offered us a table by the stage or a more discreet cubicle towards the back of the club, I accepted the cubicle to Michelle's disappointment, I told her that I was a little uncomfortable being out in the open for all to see, especially if one of her work colleagues or clients showed up, "You don't want to ruin your reputation over an impulse," I said. Michelle looked at me with eyes that could have easily turned me into stone, her glare interrupted by a petite redhead, "Would you like a drink she inquired?" Michelle's eyes transfixed onto the topless waitress, "Ill have a large Vodka thanks, Michelle said staring at the redheads pert breasts. " Same for me," I replied.
My edit:
The hostess offered us a choice of either a table by the stage or a more discreet cubicle towards the back of the club. To Michelle's disappointment I chose the cubicle. I told her that I was a little uncomfortable being out in the open for all to see, especially if one of her work colleagues or clients showed up.
"You don't want to ruin your reputation over an impulse," I said.
Michelle glared at me with eyes that could have easily turned me into stone.
She was distracted [you don’t interrupt a glare, I think] by a topless waitress, a petite redhead.
"Would you like a drink?" she asked.
"I’ll have a large Vodka thanks.” Michelle, transfixed, stared at her pert breasts.
"Same for me," I said.
Last edited:
Hi Sub Joe
Thanks for the help, its amazing how a story can evolve into a better one when other people read it and offer constructive crits, all of the comments that have been said will certainelly make me write my next story with a lot more thought.
Thanks Sub Joe your example has helped me to understand about setting out the story in a more readable and professional manner
Cheers
Hudson
Thanks for the help, its amazing how a story can evolve into a better one when other people read it and offer constructive crits, all of the comments that have been said will certainelly make me write my next story with a lot more thought.
Thanks Sub Joe your example has helped me to understand about setting out the story in a more readable and professional manner
Cheers
Hudson
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