Would appreciate your critique of this non-consent story

[Allanon_the_Druid]

I was hoping to get some opinions on my first offering, First part was out in Feb and got good feedback but I never came here to ask for the opinions of the pros. Part III is out now. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Paying for Passage, Chapter 3 http://www.literotica.com/stories/s...y.php?id=101567

 

[janenycgirl]

bad/dead link ?

 

[KillerMuffin]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=101567

Thought ought to work.

 

[my_alter_ego]

this way works



"http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=101567"

 

[my_alter_ego]

.

 

[Hotcappucino]

OK, I've read all three parts and have divided my critique accordingly.

Part I

as the bow of the ship cut it’s way through the night sea.

it's should be its.

You describe Marica as being "lashed to the prow." Later in the same paragraph, however, you describe how she's laying "on her back at the very nose of the sailing vessel on an overturned crate...." There seemed to be something disjointed, in my mind, because being lashed to the prow means you're tied to the outside of the bow. That is, the prow of a ship is the exposed part of the bow just above the waterline. And describing Marica as lying on an overturned crate seems to indicate that she's still on the deck of the ship, not outside of it. You probably intended to mean the forecastle deck, which is the deck above the bow.

In general, I'd probably familiarize yourself with nautical terms when writing about being on a ship. There are no windows or portals on a ship, just ports or portholes. Hallways are called passageways. Walls are called bulkheads. And so on. You don't have to go overboard (pun intended) with the terminology; I wouldn't use the nautical term "ladder" for "stairs" because it may confuse someone, but other terms like fore and aft, port and starboard, should be understandable by most readers. And if you do use a term that you think your audience may not know, you can add descriptions to help clarify. For example, if you want to use the word forecastle but are afraid your readers won't know where it is, you can mention the bow and they'll have a general idea from the context: "She was lashed to an overturned crate on the forecastle deck, the occasional ocean mist spraying over the bow to moisten her aching body." In my opinion, using nautical terms where possible would add a more authentic flavor to the story, especially for readers who are familiar with seamanship.

There didn't seem to be a clear enough indication that you were transitioning back in time with the second paragraph. That is, I didn't realize that you had made a time transition until I read the second line of the second paragraph -- the first line of paragraph two made me feel like I was still in the present time.

Her mother and father were always already awake...

I don't think you meant to include the word "always" in the above sentence.

In the paragraph that begins "Marica had been eight years old when her father began saving everything he could ..." you use the word "save" "saved" or "saving" in five out of the seven sentences; probably a little too much repetition.

Overall, I like the background material you presented in Part I. To me, it helped set the atmosphere.

Part II
Watch your punctuation, especially with regards to dialog. There are mistakes in many places, but I'll give just one example:

“You’ll learn to behave soon enough you little cunt.” He told her. “Hey, Sully…how come the captain always gets ‘em first. It ain’t right. How ‘bout the three of us break her in right now?”

should be
“You’ll learn to behave soon enough, you little cunt,” he told her. “Hey, Sully, how come the captain always gets ‘em first. It ain’t right. How ‘bout the three of us break her in right now?”
The basic rule with regards to punctuating dialog is that a comma is used to separate quoted elements of a sentence from the non-quoted ones, not a period. For example, it's not
"I think it's duck season." He said.
but
"I think it's duck season," he said.
The exception to using a comma is when you use another form of punctuation such as a question mark or an exclamation point:
"Duck season!" he exclaimed.

In this next paragraph, a little too much repetition of the word "door," and the word "waist" is also misspelled (although you correctly spell it in subsequent usage):

They reached the end of a hallway that ran the length of the ship. An ornate door signified the captain’s living quarters, which made up the majority of the aft on two decks. Sully knocked on the door then waited for a summons. A moment later the captain’s servant opened the door. A dark-skinned man of muscular build stood bare-chested in the doorway. Long black dreadlocks fell across his face and a large gold hoop hung from his nose. He wore only a brightly colored cloth about his waste.

Also, since the story seems to be written from Marica's perspective (at least, that's the way it appears from your liberal use of the phrases "her father" and "her mother" in Part I of the story), I would probably hold off on the phrase that describes the size of the cabin since Marica hasn't been inside, yet. Maybe rewrite the paragraph this way:

They reached the end of a passageway that ran the length of the ship. An ornate door signaled the entrance to the captain’s living quarters. Sully knocked then waited for a summons. A moment later, the captain’s servant, a dark-skinned man of muscular build, opened the door. He stood bare-chested with long black dreadlocks falling across his face and a large gold hoop hung from his nose. His only article of clothing was a brightly colored cloth tied around his waist.

He then took a chain that hung from the center of the shackles and tossed the chain over a hook on the ceiling. Pulling down, her arms were again lifted above her head, and Sully secured the chain there.

Earlier you had mentioned that the captain's quarters took up two decks, which I assumed to mean that the interior of the cabin is two levels high. I would find it difficult to believe that someone could toss a chain high enough and accurately enough to catch a hook on the ceiling, especially if the chain is long enough to stretch from the floor to the ceiling and back down to the floor. I would find it more believable to have the chain tossed over a crossbeam that was halfway up to the ceiling.

Your sex scene with Marica, Sully & Sam, just in my opinion, are a little over the top with regards to your descriptions. Also, I'm a bit disappointed to see that Marica sought pleasure from the encounter. Just my opinion again, but I would have found it more believable if Marica were still struggling (at least emotionally if not physically) against being raped, that she felt abused and violated, especially since you've classified this story as being NonConsent and not BDSM. If you do feel that Marica's characterization should begin to enjoy being a sex slave, I would propose leaving it for a later part. That is, a more gradual evolution over a few days or segments rather than such a quick transformation from being defiant down in the cargo hold to a willing "slut" in the short time up in the captain's cabin.

Overall, you have some really good ideas in Part II, especially the section where Marica's nipples are pierced. I would work on tightening the phrasing and cleaning up the punctuation of the entire section to make the presentation better.

Part III

The following paragraph has a number of problems:

Sam took a rag and without a word mopped up the desk, and then he tied the colored cloth back around his waist. Thus dressed, he motioned for Marica to follow him and led her from the captain's chambers, through a hallway and to another door. She followed him into the room, which was illuminated by one small window and the glow from a small stove. In the center of the room sat a washtub about two feet deep, and full of water. Sam grabbed a steaming pot from the stove and poured it into the tub to heat the water. He laid a hard chunk of abrasive, chalky colored soap and a towel on a small table beside the tub then, without a word, grabbed Marica around her waist and lifted her up and into the tub. The water was warmer than she thought it would be she let herself sink to her knees to give the warmth a chance to reach all of her muscles.

First, it's too long and contains multiple ideas. Probably needs to be broken up into at least two separate paragraphs.
Second, the first line of the paragraph almost makes it sound like Sam is tying the rag that he used to wipe up the desk around his waist. I would probably find some other phrase to describe what Sam is wearing around his waist other than constantly referring to it as "the colored cloth." It's getting a little too old by this point. In fact, instead of a piece of cloth (which is more feminine that masculine anyway), how about Sam wearing a leather loin cloth made from the soft, supple hide of some exotic animal (you don't even need to name the animal), hanging loosely between his legs, held up by a leather thong tied around his waist?
Finally, the last line of the sentence is a run on. It looks like you forgot to put a period between "...would be.." and "...she let herself...."

Sam produced a jar of ointment that he had concocted...

Again, since this story is from Marica's perspective, how would she know that Sam had concocted the ointment? And if you don't mean for the story to be told from her perspective, then I think you need to go back to Part I and change instances of where you say "her father" to "Petre" when Marica's name isn't mentioned earlier in the paragraph (see paragraph six of Part I, for example). I hope this explanation makes sense -- if not, ask me.

When we finished... should be When he finished...
Also in the same paragraph, I don't think you need to describe how the chains run up from her nipples to the hoop in her collar and back down again between her breasts, since you've used almost the same description in Part II; it sounds redundant.

I'll repeat my earlier comments from Part II about the the sex scenes appearing a little over the top, but that is just my personal bias. I'm sure others appreciate what seems to me to be over exaggerations, but for myself, I like a little more subtlety.

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I hope you'll take the time to refine it because I think it has the potential to be really good if you polish it up a bit.

 

[Allanon_the_Druid]

Thanks

I really appreciate you taking the time to read the story. And you pointed out many good examples of my lack of thorough proof reading before submission. I have always had to double check the rules around quotations, and when I get to typing the rules just kind of fall away, with the intent to clean them up later.

As far as her not struggling enough. The truth is that even in fantasy I find it hard to do something to a women that she does not want. My wife likes the pretense of submission. The story is actually just fleshed out version of scenario I created for her. I am the guy that never spanks hard enough For this reason my non-consent stories may not be quite gritty enough to truly qualify as non-consent.

Thank's again for your input. I intend to apply it as the story evolves.