Would anyone here please read my story?

[retrofreeze]

Give me your worst

Hi , I have just released a story on Amazon. If you like it, great. If not, that's cool, tell me why. Even if you do like it, please hurl abuse this way, using your cleverest and biggest words. That'll teach me to ask anyone for help in a place where "Not everyone loves big cocks" is a normal thread.

Here's the book's direct link: http://www.amazon.com/Black-Book-Part-Devils-ebook/dp/B00B6U2UVU/

Thanks.

 

[RoryN]

Hi , I have just released a story on Amazon. I have asked this elsewhere, and was quite surprised that some writers take offence. So I've come here to ask you guys because my work is definitely not stepping on your genre's toes. It's a Western but also Sci-Fi and Horror (because of the Time-Travelling and the Devil's involvement.) I really just need some help as a new writer; just for people to take a quick read.. even to just try the first paragraph. If you like it, great, tell someone why. If not, that's cool, tell me why. It's free for another few days so hopefully you can grab it before then. It's also the number 1 in its genre category on Amazon. Which is nice:

Is this paragraph at all representative of your writing style?

Because, frankly, it's a fucking train wreck.

 

[retrofreeze]

Is this paragraph at all representative of your writing style?

Because, frankly, it's a fucking train wreck.

Nope, I wrote it that way just to give you something to complain about. Thanks for taking the time out to help a new writer with constructive criticism. <- This is all actually sarcasm. And for that I apologise. Good day sir.

 

[KRCummings]

Your friends gave it good reviews and it's free and it sounds like it might actually be interesting so I'll check it out. Maybe give a review tomorrow if it's not so bad my eyes begin to bleed. I'll be honest though, I sorta hope it sucks so I can tear you a new one. I'll be fair though. If it's good I'll say so.

 

[KRCummings]

It sucks. Not a horrible suck but it does indeed suck. Your writing is near incoherent. Sentences that not only don't belong but are seemingly from some other part of the book. Zero character development, no sense of time and very little sense of place. No idea who anyone was or why they did anything.

Pros: Still an interesting idea with obvious King influences that has promise if you learn to write.

 

[JohnnySavage]

Why did you not use Dylan Jones as your Literotica name? Does this story have any lesbian sex? If not I will pass.

Why did you use manjunk for your name? Was CumStain taken?

 

[Disgustipated]

It sucks. Not a horrible suck but it does indeed suck. Your writing is near incoherent. Sentences that not only don't belong but are seemingly from some other part of the book. Zero character development, no sense of time and very little sense of place. No idea who anyone was or why they did anything.

Pros: Still an interesting idea with obvious King influences that has promise if you learn to write.

You admitt ur oen righting is crap!

 

[hogjack]

If not, that's cool, tell me why.

A pile of goat entrails could write better.

Reading it made me really envy the illiterate and blind for they shall never encounter this senseless drivel.

 

[retrofreeze]

Thanks guys. Pretty much exactly the feedback I was looking for from this level.

 

[killallhippies]

go away.

 

[RoryN]

Thanks guys. Pretty much exactly the feedback I was looking for from this level.

Don't lie. You wanted praise.

We would be doing other authors a disservice if we praised your writing. Yours is shit.

 

[Aquagal]

What a waste of 15 mins. It was too convoluted with too many characters that were irrelevant. And really, when someone is in fight or flight mode, who breaks down in their head a math equation on how many seconds it takes for someone to do something? The only interesting part of the story was the black vial, propelling him into the future. Not enough to make me search for chapter 2 though.

 

[KRCummings]

What a waste of 15 mins. It was too convoluted with too many characters that were irrelevant. And really, when someone is in fight or flight mode, who breaks down in their head a math equation on how many seconds it takes for someone to do something? The only interesting part of the story was the black vial, propelling him into the future. Not enough to make me search for chapter 2 though.

To be fair the Jack Reacher novels do that whole thing where he'll break down movements and reaction times and whatnot right in the middle of a fight. It's just a device to show that the character knows his shit. Hard to do well and honestly Lee Child doesn't do it very well either. I don't think anyone would say the Reacher novels are well written. Fun but not well written.

 

[Aquagal]

To be fair the Jack Reacher novels do that whole thing where he'll break down movements and reaction times and whatnot right in the middle of a fight. It's just a device to show that the character knows his shit. Hard to do well and honestly Lee Child doesn't do it very well either. I don't think anyone would say the Reacher novels are well written. Fun but not well written.

Fair.

His are way more fun, with this I was bored. I kept looking at how close to the end I was to be done with it, more than looking forward to what was going to happen next.

 

[KRCummings]

Fair.

His are way more fun, with this I was bored. I kept looking at how close to the end I was to be done with it, more than looking forward to what was going to happen next.

It's just poorly written. Nothing can be done about it. It's obvious there's no formal training. You see it here all the time. Everyone thinks they can write without ever really learning how to write. Once you learn you realize there's a reason most people can't or don't. Serialized novels are like short stories. Very difficult to do well. You have to keep the reader interested by having something significant happen in every volume and keep up the pace along with constantly expanding the story and characters. A tough balance. Most fail miserably. Even King who is one of the best short story writers had a hard time pulling it off.

 

[Instant_Star]

I read this twice. It did not get better the second time reading it out loud.

It sounds choppy. Like a 7th graders creative writing exercise.

Still, it has an interesting concept. It just sounds like your character is trying to be bad ass, instead of just being bad ass.