Worst joke ever.

[wishfulthinking]

What would you call bob the builder once he has retired? Bob.

Bet that didn't even rate a smile!

Bet you can't beat it.

 

[Guest]

what do you call a man with no legs no arms in the ocean?
BOB
but i bet he spells it backwards!

 

[SensualCealy]

What do you call a lady with one leg?

Ilene!
Groan!

 

[cheerful_deviant]

What do you all a deer with no eyes?

No i-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no i-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no dick?

Still no fucking i-deer.

 

[wishfulthinking]

groan!

I must admit they are pretty bad, but Ilene got a giggle, and so did bob spelt backwards.

 

[Guest]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.


What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug.


What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas.


What do you call a one eyed dinsosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus.


What do you call a royal one eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex.

 

[Guest]

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.


What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

Doug.


What do you call a man without a spade on his head?

Douglas.


What do you call a one eyed dinsosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus.


What do you call a royal one eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkhesaurus Rex.

ok ok ok... enough! im ganna hurl!
right after i stop laughing. truly aweful stuff lou.

 

[Guest]

 

[Guest]

What do you call a three-legged donkey?

A wonkey.

 

[Vincent E]

What do you call a man with no arms and legs at the front door of the house?

Matt.

 

[Guest]

 

[Vincent E]

What do flies wear on their feet?

Shoos.

 

[wishfulthinking]

What's the difference between a tribe of intellectual pygmies and a girls's track team?

One's a bunch of cunning runts.

Hey, I like that. Running cunts?

 

[Guest]

How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge?

There's footprints in the butter.



How do you know if an elephant's under your bed?

Your nose touches the ceiling.



What do you get when you cross a kangeroo with a sheep?

A woolly jumper.



(Argh, stop!!! I'm supposed to be writing. LOL! Some of these are making me really laugh out loud. Bastards! )

 

[Guest]

One more, before I bugger off again...


Why don't polar bears eat penguins?

Because they can't get the wrappers off.


Bahahahahahaaaaaaaaaa!!!

I don't know if anyone who's not in Britain gets that. Tough if you don't.

 

[rgraham666]

Leper 'jokes' always do it for me.

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?

Stew.

 

[Guest]

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a pile of leaves?

Russell.

What do you call a woman with a wooden leg?

Peg.

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Fucked.

What do you call a mongoloid polack with one leg?

A Polaroid One Step.

 

[Guest]

How do you know if an elephant's been in your fridge?

There's footprints in the butter.

Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?

It's all over town.


What do you a muscian without arms or legs?

Stump the band.

 

[sweetnpetite]

Did you hear about the elephant with diarrhea?

It's all over town.

eeeeeeeeeeewwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

 

[oggbashan]

During WWII in North Africa a British army unit that had been deprived of its transport by German air attacks was marching across the desert to reach an oasis.

There were ten men. At night they posted sentries and settled down to sleep.

The first night their sleep was disturbed by a low voice continuously counting "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine, Ten."

During the next day one of the men who had been wounded in the air attack collapsed. Despite the efforts of the sergeant he died and was buried in the sand.

That night their sleep was disturbed by a low voice continuously counting "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight, Nine ."

On the second day as one of the soldiers was putting his boots on he was bitten by a scorpion that had hidden itself in his boot. He died screaming in agony.

That night their sleep was disturbed by a low voice continuously counting "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven, Eight."

No one would admit to doing the counting. During the day a German plane flew over. The soldiers threw themselves to the sand as it strafed them. When the plane had gone, one of them was dead, riddled with machine gun bullets.

That night their sleep was disturbed by a low voice continuously counting "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six, Seven."

In the morning the sergeant yelled at the soldiers. "It isn't a joke any more. Whoever is counting is a sick bastard. It must stop!"

Just as they were beginning to think about stopping for the night one soldier trod on an anti-personnel mine. His legs were blown off and he bled to death.

That night their sleep was disturbed by a low voice continuously counting "One, Two, Three, Four, Five, Six."

The next morning one of the soldiers accused his mate of doing the counting. They fought with bayonets and before the sergeant could intervene they had killed each other.

That night their sleep was disturbed by a low voice continuously counting "One, Two, Three, Four, Five."

The remaining five soldiers sat up all the following night watching each other. They could not identify who was counting but the counting continued. One soldier attached another and strangled him. The sergeat had to shoot the attacker but was too late to save the one who had been strangled. The voice continued counting and instantly changed from "One, Two, Three, Four, Five." to "One, Two, Three."

During the next day the three men watched each other. They were very tired and exhausted. They decided to stop at midday and try to get some sleep before nightfall. They didn't post sentries and slept well. At dusk they were to start walking again but one of them pointed his rifle at the other private.

"It isn't me who counts. I don't think it's the sergeant so it must be you." He pulled the trigger and shot his friend through the heart. The sergeant had tried to get between the two privates but was too late. He drew his pistol to fire at the killer who had just chambered another round in his rifle. They shot each other but while the sergeant had killed the private, the private's bullet had cut the sergeant's femoral artery. The sergeant fell to the ground bleeding profusely. He knew he was dying and decided to have a last cigarette.

He pulled a full packet of ten Players cigarettes from his tunic pocket. He pushed the packet open to reveal the slogan:


"It's the tobacco that counts."

Og

 

[CrimsonMaiden]

How do you get a one armed monkey out of a tree?

Wave at him.

 

[Guest]

How do you get a one armed monkey out of a tree?

Wave at him.

LMAO!!!

As are both my kids!

Thank you!!!

 

[TheEarl]

If anyone's dyslexic - I do apologise, for I know nto waht I od.

Dyslexics of the world untie!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why should you never go out with a dwarf with learning difficulties? - Because it's not big and it's not clever.



A man is marooned in the middle of the desert with no water. After wandering aimlessly for a bit, he sees a small market away in the distance. "I'm saved!" he thinks. "They'll have water there!"

He rushes over and gets to the first stall and says, "Water, please give me water." The stallkeeper responds, "Sorry, all I have is sponge cake."

He runs to the next stall and asks for water, only to be told "Sorry, all I have is custard."

He gets to the third stall and is told "I don't have any water. Only jelly."

The man loses the place and screams - "What the hell is going on? Three market stalls in the middle of the desert, none of which have any water and are only selling sponge cake, custard and jelly?"

The first vendor turns to look at him and says, "Yeah, I know. It's a trifle bazaar."


Ba-dum Tsch!

The Earl


PS. What happens when two elephants and a chandelier fall off a cliff?
- Ba-dum Tsch!

 

[Guest]

"Yeah, I know. It's a trifle bazaar."

Really really bad. Bad bad bad.

Pear

 

[Guest]

If anyone's dyslexic - I do apologise, for I know nto waht I od.

Dyslexics of the world untie!

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I have dyslexics among my loved ones, so it with great shame to admit that my favorite joke used to be :

"Did you hear about the agnostic, dyslexic insomniac?"

"He stayed up all night worrying about rather there really was a Dog."