Womens' Perspectives on Attraction

[Felt Tip]

I'm curious about how women see the world. Of course everyone is different, but people have a lot in common too.

What qualities do you personally find attractive in a man (assuming you're into men of course)?
What does it take for you to discount a man from your interest - physically or personality-wise.. or is it more a general lack of positive attributes than specific shortcomings?

If you're interested in a guy, do you do anything to communicate it to him, or just expect him to make a move?
And what sort of approach from him do you feel good about?



Pop relationship psychology books (Mars and Venus, Emotional Intelligence, for examples) make much of the way womens' drive to address problems as 'relationship maintenance' is at loggerheads with mens' desire not to feel personally attacked or criticised. (In addition to the talk about things - find solutions divide).
From your perspective, what are you generally looking to get out of it when you air greivances, and when you discuss flaws in your partner, how do you intend it to be taken?



Lots of questions, but then, I have lots of questions in my mind.
Thoughts appreciated.

 

[INeedLove]

I'm curious about how women see the world. Of course everyone is different, but people have a lot in common too.

What qualities do you personally find attractive in a man (assuming you're into men of course)?
What does it take for you to discount a man from your interest - physically or personality-wise.. or is it more a general lack of positive attributes than specific shortcomings?

If you're interested in a guy, do you do anything to communicate it to him, or just expect him to make a move?
And what sort of approach from him do you feel good about?



Pop relationship psychology books (Mars and Venus, Emotional Intelligence, for examples) make much of the way womens' drive to address problems as 'relationship maintenance' is at loggerheads with mens' desire not to feel personally attacked or criticised. (In addition to the talk about things - find solutions divide).
From your perspective, what are you generally looking to get out of it when you air greivances, and when you discuss flaws in your partner, how do you intend it to be taken?



Lots of questions, but then, I have lots of questions in my mind.
Thoughts appreciated.

You ask a very difficult question. For one, every woman will be attracted to something different. Furthermore, what attracts me once may not attract me a second time. I encourage you to read and follow threads on different boards to get a better cross representation of what women look for in a guy. I think several threads like "what do you crave" would be helpful.

As for me personally, I look for a total package. Intelligence is a must. If a guy can't hold a conversation beyond baseball or hammers then he won't be able to keep my attention. A sense of humor is important, especially for a long term relationship. If we can't laugh together through the good and bad then we're in trouble. Other things I look for include abilitity to communicate, strentgth of character, interests, and motivation. Physical appearance is not a high priority-unlike males typically. I am drawn by the eyes. Strong shoulders are nice too.

I am divorced. One of the learning experiences I have taken from the failed marriages is about sex. We had sex but very plain. We didn't discuss sex or fantasy. I think he was repressed and I didn't want to push. In the future I have decided to try to find a guy who can be open about sex. We need to be able to share fantasies, do things for each other and talk about it. Sex is part of the glue that holds a relationship together I think. (yes, love and having things in common are part of it too).

How do I show a guy I'm interested? This is difficult for me. I grew up buying into the conditioning of society. "The guy should make the first move" concept. Recently, I've tried to express interest in a guy and it failed miserably. Not sure if its my approach or him or me. Usually I try to show interest by trying to hold their gaze longer, moving closer and perhaps touching him, making myself available to talk to him not to mention making references to spending more time together.

Airing grievences. I am not a very confrontational person. I don't tend to get agressive in discussions. I would try to share my problem with the guy. Then if he seems interested in finding a solution, we talk more. If its my problem, sometimes just getting it in the air helps. If I have a problem with his behavior, then I might ask him to consider changing it. (This response is very heady-maybe more later).

So, before this novel gets longer, please remember to spend time reading and looking around the boards. There are lots of different ladies here. Many of us share our thoughts and preferences in threads. Good luck to you! Feel free to pm me if you want to chat more. Smiles!

 

[sunandshadow]

I agree that it is a hard question and I think the answers are going to be different for everyone. Me I like intelligent creative slender guys with long hair and I want to get married and have kids soon so the guy has to be into that. But I know lots of women who totally disagree with my taste in guys.

If I was interested in a guy I would probably try the indirect method of asking one of his friends if he had a girlfriend (they almost always do so that's usually where it ends) or if not, could they tell him I liked him, but if he's not interested then that's fine.

I totally have my own need not to feel personally attacked or criticized. My opinion is that if a guy doesn't basically approve of me and all my traits we have no business trying to be in a relationship. One of the main things I lack and need in my life is approval, and if I can't get it from somebody who supposedly loves me maybe I need to find someone who really loves me.

When starting a relationship with someone I tend to be totally open because someone has to take the first step, and then it's his responsibility to reciprocate - intimacy is all about trust, both people have to trust the other to know and approve of their various goals and fantasies..

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think most women look for a package of desireable traits and I do think (stone me now) that men tend to make a huge effort early on and then settle into normality while women, usually being more cautious and less flamboyant (again, stone me) don't usually do this to such a degree. It can be the old cliched letdown of "You know you're in a relationship when he stops apologising for every burp and fart." It can be a letdown after the initial whirlwind of dates and 'best behaviour' even when it's expected.

*ducks back under her rock and hides*

Personally I'm kind of the flipside of sunandshadow in that health issues mean it would be difficult and even inadvisable for me to have kids so I do tend to sound men out early on about it or I start feeling deceitful.

As for making moves, I'll seek out the company of a guy I fancy and open up to him a little about myself to check his response. I'll be self-conscious and make more of an effort with my appearence - though not to the point of being showy or false. I'll make a point of including him in things where possible and see where it leads. Failing that I'll have a few glasses of wine and a shameless flirt that I can blame on the demon drink if he runs away

Velvet

 

[Eilan]

Ooh, tough quesions. And I like the answers so far.

What qualities do you personally find attractive in a man (assuming you're into men of course)?

I don't know that I have a physical "type" that I'm drawn to, but both my husband and my ex are fair-haired, blue-eyed, freckled, and stoutly build (not to be confused with overweight). I often find bald (whether naturally so or shaven) and balding men very attractive; however, I'm not into men with comb-overs.

Sometimes, but not always, I find people more attractive because I know they're attracted to me.

Attractiveness is so subjective. My husband is good-looking (IMO), but someone might take a look at him and think, "What does she see in him?"

What does it take for you to discount a man from your interest - physically or personality-wise.. or is it more a general lack of positive attributes than specific shortcomings?

Lack of intelligence, basically.

If you're interested in a guy, do you do anything to communicate it to him, or just expect him to make a move?

My husband and I met online, and I was the one who approached him. Althought I'm nowhere near as shy as I used to be, I'd never do that IRL.

And what sort of approach from him do you feel good about?

Friendly, but not clingy.

From your perspective, what are you generally looking to get out of it when you air greivances, and when you discuss flaws in your partner, how do you intend it to be taken?

This is an area that I've had to work on after the demise of my first marriage. In the past I've had a tendency to clam up during a conflict with a SO or family member, mostly because it annoyed the fuck out of me that I cry when I get really upset and I don't want my tears to be perceived as a weakness. I'd bottle up resentments until they exploded; then I'd say something that I regretted.

Hope that makes sense.

 

[bobsgirl]

What qualities do you personally find attractive in a man (assuming you're into men of course)?

Intelligence, and a sense of humor I also love touching and being touched by the one I love, so if a man is comfortable showing physical affection, he's got my attention.

What does it take for you to discount a man from your interest - physically or personality-wise.. or is it more a general lack of positive attributes than specific shortcomings?

I have a very hard time dealing with someone with an explosive temper. I saw enough of that when I was growing up and I have no interest in living my life being afraid of what will set him off. Also if I think he has a tendency to be unkind or miserly.

And even though it's a habit that can be broken, I'd have to say smoking would be a deal breaker. My health problems are such that I can't deal with cigarette smoke on a regular basis.

From your perspective, what are you generally looking to get out of it when you air greivances, and when you discuss flaws in your partner, how do you intend it to be taken?

When something's on my mind, I want to not only be heard, but I want to be really listened to. We don't have to agree as long as my opinions aren't dismissed as being stupid or illogical. And, like Eilan, I am not good with confrontations. (I cry too, and it really pisses me off.) I don't want to live in a war zone.

If we've gotten into a discussion of grievances and flaws, I try really hard not to go down a long list. You do this, you do this, you do this... is not very productive.

 

[midwestyankee]

Lurking, so as to become wiser. (Sincerely, trust me)

 

[bobsgirl]

I can't remember where I got this, but this is from the bobsgirl files. I'm posting this, tongue firmly in cheek. Honest.


"A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he's on fire.

No further studies are expected."

 

[Munachi]

What qualities do you personally find attractive in a man (assuming you're into men of course)?

I would say, the normal - as in intelligent and a good sense of humour, but there has to be some more... there has to be something interesting about him. that could be a hobby or interest he has that or something about his life experiences... don't know how to explain it - there has to be something to draw my attention to him at first. this also means, obviously, that guys that have to do with my interest have a better chance (again pretty normal i guess)... basically what i mean is, he has to be doing something with his life, and not give me the feeling that he might want to be with me so i give some "sense" to his life...

physically, i tend to prefer darker types (i have a bit of a thing for latin americans, for example)... theoretically i would prefer someone who is quite a bit taller than me, and not too thin (though not really overweighed either), but i seem to always end up with guys that don't actually fit this criteria. eyes and mouth very important...

What does it take for you to discount a man from your interest - physically or personality-wise.. or is it more a general lack of positive attributes than specific shortcomings?

well recently there was a guy interested in me, whose interest i didn't return, and when i thought about why, the first things that came into my mind where "he is too short and he has a very high pitched voice"... this sounds quite superficial, and maybe it is - on the other hand i have been interested in guys not taller than him, and i suppose i could also get interested in someone with a not very male sounding voice - the thing is he didn't have anything to even that out with... i think my main problem was that he didn't have anything interesting about him. he was working a job that was neither interesting to me nor did he seem particularly passionate about it, he never mentioned any special hobbies, and about him in general there was just nothing that made me that got my attention - even though he wasn't ugly, or stupid.

If you're interested in a guy, do you do anything to communicate it to him, or just expect him to make a move?
And what sort of approach from him do you feel good about?

It varies. I am quite shy, but in a lot of the relationships i have been in i did a lot of the moves towards that relationship (though i still waited for him to do the really decisive ones)... other times though i get completely paranoid that if i show any interest he might laugh at me (a remainder from my teenage years as the weird outsider)... generally i think it should be little steps from both sides... as for his approach, that would depend. the important thing is that he isn't so subtle i have no idea he might be interested (because that won#t help him, and then even if i am interested i might be too shy because i assume he isn't interested at all), nor should he be too insistant if i am NOT interested...

Pop relationship psychology books (Mars and Venus, Emotional Intelligence, for examples) make much of the way womens' drive to address problems as 'relationship maintenance' is at loggerheads with mens' desire not to feel personally attacked or criticised. (In addition to the talk about things - find solutions divide).
From your perspective, what are you generally looking to get out of it when you air greivances, and when you discuss flaws in your partner, how do you intend it to be taken?

i don't like that type of books ...

anyway, when i was in a relationship i tended to have long conversations in my head about what i need to tell him, and when we actually had that confrontation, my mind usually went blank. anyway, i don#t think i am very good at that kind of thing, and i think i often don#t even know what i hope to get out of it... it just somehow happens.

 

[Verbiwhore]

In my head I have a wish list of desirable quality's, but this seems to bear no relation to the men I become attracted to.
Except they are clever, funny, and not arseholes. Those three are totally non negotiable everything else seems to be totally random.

 

[Augusta]

My ideal man is highly intelligent, highly creative and independent enough not to let his family interfere. He loves to laugh, and can on a whim be a little crazy without giving a damn what anyone else thinks.

Things that flash warning signs in my mind are: excessive clinginess, lack of discipline, carelessness about personal hygiene, lack of compassion, lack of tact. I despise selfishness.

The most powerful erogenous zone in the human body is the brain. I really don't think too much about how a man looks. It is how he thinks that matters.

 

[SilencedNeeds]