Wishing BDSM was more available for me....

[SGTPhoenix]

Here's the thing...I'd have to blame Lit for this one, as I used to be an average normal person in bed till I started reading stories on here. Not saying it's a bad thing that Lit has broadened my sexual horizons, just that my wife isn't really as open minded to "different" in bed. My question is: Has anyone had issues converting their spouse to allow for a third person in their relationship? If so, how'd you help them feel that they don't need to be jealous?

 

[SGTPhoenix]

I know I'm new...but is there really nobody on?

 

[Tawny_Temptress]

I don't know the answer to your question but I would think it would be best to start a little 'less kinky' before going for a third partner. JMHO

Maybe start out with a little Dom/sub or bondage and see if that makes her interested in exporing more things. ??

 

[Arkhilokhus]

Here's the thing...I'd have to blame Lit for this one, as I used to be an average normal person in bed till I started reading stories on here. Not saying it's a bad thing that Lit has broadened my sexual horizons, just that my wife isn't really as open minded to "different" in bed. My question is: Has anyone had issues converting their spouse to allow for a third person in their relationship? If so, how'd you help them feel that they don't need to be jealous?

Try reading up on polyamory. Poly people have a wealth of info on those kinds of issues. I know we have some poly people around here, too, so maybe one of them will be along shortly.

 

[ZRT]

Pretty damned tough if you're already into the relationship and are suddenly all like 'Hey, mind if I bring another in?'

If she's really, really not up for it, you may not be able to jump that hurdle. You can talk about it all you want, but it really wasn't what she signed on for when she married you, after all.

 

[CutieMouse]

It isn't an easy question to answer.

There are people who are polyamorous... there are people who simply wish to f**k around. (the two are not necessarily synonymous)There are people who find BDSM to be hot as hell... there are people who confuse erotica with the everyday yadayadayada of a power based relationship. (the two are not necessarily synonymous)

Posters here also have zero clue as to what "not very open minded in bed" means. Some might define it as anything beyond procreative, missionary position, lights out sex. Others might not hit the "not very open minded" wall until their lover balks at setting up a friendly neighborhood gang bang - bukkake and all.

Have you talked to her? Discussed fantasies? How's the rest of your relationship? Your ages? Kids? How long married? Did this sudden interest in "kinky things" show up post-Lit, or has it always been there? Are you looking to introduce BDSM, or simply open the marriage? Where do you see this "going"? If you get to sleep with someone else, does she get to, too?

See? Not so much the easy question...

 

[ms_sub_liminal]

along with everything that's been said, why not introduce your wife to the site? she may become interested in exploring the same fantasies or finding ones of her own. just remember, if you want her to be open-minded to trying something new you have to return the favor.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I think that you have a twofold issue here. I believe I'm right in saying that the people here on the forum that I know to be in M/ff poly relationships all include women who are bisexual. The issue of whether your wife is open to the notion of bisexual play is separate to whether she's up for kink or to submit to you. If including a third ir more important to you than kink, try talking to her about that first or vice-versa. You can talk about it purely in a fantasy context to start with, along the lines of 'Have you ever fantasised about being with a woman?' If she responds positively, you can then lead her into the hypothetical notion of a threesome as a fantasy thing and from there, broach the subject of making that fantasy a reality in the future. If she has absolutely no interest in bi-curiosity, you may have to accept that threesomes are not possible within your marriage.

With kink you can start gentle and progress from there. Bind her gently with silk scarves and a blindfold, tease her with ice cubes, feathers and other gentle stimuli, take control but in a gentle way that ensures she feels safe and unthreatened. If that goes well, you can move on to gentle pinches, nibbles and slaps, a tug on her hair maybe, just understated alpha-ness as a test to see how she responds. Some women see kink purely as an excuse for men to be selfish and rough in bed so if you can demonstrate that it ain't necessarily so, she might become more trusting and open to rougher, more challenging play.

I'm not in a poly situation myself but from reading posters here who are, the dynamic is almost always characterised by a lack of possessiveness and jealousy between the people involved. If your wife is a naturally suspicious and/or jealous person, this dynamic may not be for you, even as a casual play thing.

 

[JMohegan]

Here's the thing...I'd have to blame Lit for this one, as I used to be an average normal person in bed till I started reading stories on here. Not saying it's a bad thing that Lit has broadened my sexual horizons, just that my wife isn't really as open minded to "different" in bed. My question is: Has anyone had issues converting their spouse to allow for a third person in their relationship? If so, how'd you help them feel that they don't need to be jealous?

Let's turn this around.

Imagine that one day, your wife comes to you and says: "I've been reading some fiction on the Internet and reached the conclusion that you are unable to meet my sexual needs. Mind if I bring in another guy to help me out?"

What would your reaction be? What would help you accept the idea of welcoming a new guy into your relationship?

 

[SGTPhoenix]

Thank you all for your responses, you've all made valid points. The thing with my wife is, I know she would be ok with at least trying things out, but she still trying to get over the fact that she cheated on me before we got married. Since then she has a kind of deathgrip hold on me, cuz she thinks I'll run off with the first other person we bring in.

 

[DiscusDave]

Thank you all for your responses, you've all made valid points. The thing with my wife is, I know she would be ok with at least trying things out, but she still trying to get over the fact that she cheated on me before we got married. Since then she has a kind of deathgrip hold on me, cuz she thinks I'll run off with the first other person we bring in.

I think then that because of this fact you should doubly make sure she feels like a part of your desires. Bringing in a third person is a way to overcome any reservations she would have about doing the things you'd like to do. However, unless (as VelvetDarkness was mentioning) she is willing to involve herself with this third person also, she will be left out of your desires and of the new intimacy you and the third person are sharing. Also, if there is remorse over what she did before you were married (and it seems like there was) bringing a third person in might counteract the healing process she's using for herself, and could possibly bring back memories of what she feels as wronging you.

A good idea is to make sure she feels as though she is really playing a part in making your fantasies a reality and quenching your desires. That being said, I believe a gradual build up of more BDSM-y things with her is the best rout.

But remember to include her. Not only in the actual acting out of your desires; but also with why you have these desires, what about BDSM type actions is exciting to you, how you found out about these things (Lit.), and what some ways she can help you with these. Making her feel like she is contributing to any pleasure you could be getting out of this is a good start.

 

[Homburg]

SGT P, let me give you one very strong piece of advice:

Make damned sure your relationship is rock damned solid, because adding others pours a whole damned pot of complex into what you've already got.

Now, I'm not saying it is a bad thing, but nothing heightens existing issues like adding a third person. It gets even more complex when there is an emotional connection with that third person.

There is a thread on here called "Polyamory" and it has some really killer info. There's more than a few folks here in poly relationships of many builds (M/ff, f/m/m, M/F/f, etc), and there are many folks here in open relationships as well. So odds are that somebody here has been where you are.

Keep an open mind, go very slow, and communicate extensively at every step. And remember that poly relationships are as likely to go south as any other, so be prepared for some pain.

 

[subwannabe]

In order to have a successful third or more persons your marriage has to be on a very solid foundation with lots of trust on both sides. Your marriage is currently not like that. Fooling around will only add to tensions and your marriage will get worse. Either try fixing your marriage first or realize this could be the beginning of the end if you choose to go down a road where the construction has not been finished yet.

 

[kara24]

I think you need to be really careful here. When my hubby and I decided to go to a swingers club, he couldnt believe his luck, thought it was a great idea. I wasnt quite so hot on the idea, but was willing to give it a go. When we went I totally loved it, but he really found it difficult. He wasnt quite as keen as he thought he would be! Now since you say there was an issue with your wife cheating on you early in your relationship, you should think carefully how you will feel if you introduce another man into your relationship. Now, of course you could mean only bring in another woman, but as the saying goes "Whats sauce for the goose..." etc etc, and it would be a little on the selfish side to expect her to accept another woman if you are not prepared to accept another man!

 

[ihavehope444]

In order to have a successful third or more persons your marriage has to be on a very solid foundation with lots of trust on both sides. Your marriage is currently not like that. Fooling around will only add to tensions and your marriage will get worse. Either try fixing your marriage first or realize this could be the beginning of the end if you choose to go down a road where the construction has not been finished yet.

I think this is advice you should really consider. Unless your relationship is as close to rock solid as you can get it, bringing a third person will almost certainly spell disaster.

Insecurities grow by leaps and bounds, you should definitely address them first. Good luck.