Will My Husband Ever Be Interested In Anal and Other NonVanilla Things??? Help!

[salsalicious]

I have been married for three years, and my husband is kinda squeamish, I suppose. I dunno, that and perhaps his sex drive is not so high. I like different positions, anal, light spankings and toys....nada.

I have have tried coming on strong and not coming on at all. I have let him know exactly what I want, and he doesn't want to. He will cite bad experiences with others as a reason. It is so strange, because this whole thing makes me feel unattractive, like he doesn't want to please me.

I've never had this problem before. Every other guy I've been with loves that I'm a freak, and I'm considered attractive.

Not having a strong sex life is making it difficult to get over the hurdles that marriage offers anyway. I feel like a female eunich....I have gotten where I don't really care anymore. He doesn't act like he does--he won't make himself attractive to me, and he won't try new things on his own initiative or mine.

Should I just give up?

Thanks.

 

[silverwhisper]

a few questions:

1. has he always been this way, or has that changed over time?
2. do you have kids? if so, has he been like that since the kids? before?
3. when you were still dating, was the sex more varied and hotter?

if he's always been this way, well, there's no one to blame for that one but you: you knew how he was. but if things changed, you should look at why. did he have some kind of traumatic experience? did you?

ed

 

[salsalicious]

We dated many years ago before we rekindled our relationship, and yes, things were better then.

Yes, I have myself to blame, because this time around it was different, but I remembered how it used to be and thought it would change. He said he was under a lot of stress. But three years....?

 

[EJFan]

first... as much as we, as people, like to feel appreciated and attractive, i don't think it's too healthy to rely on others to provide that. certainly i'm not saying he SHOULDN'T give you those things... i'm just saying that it has to come from within before it does any good to come from others. he should be making you feel attractive, loved, and that you're an integral part of his life (in all its aspects) and it's not a good sign that he's not providing you with that.

SW asks the most important question. is this a new thing with him or has he always been sexually quiet/reluctant? if this is new, it's talk time (in a non-sexual setting). if it's not new, why are we married?

 

[Straight-8]

if he's always been this way, well, there's no one to blame for that one but you: you knew how he was.

ed

I had the same questions Ed, but assigning 'blame' may not be the point. People 'in love' often think that those few 'little flaws' in the beloved will disappear or can be changed over time. They change alright; into BIG flaws!

Maybe they didn't have sex before marriage. That is what worries me about this new push towads virgin brides. What a useless concept that is!

It sounds like you are unhappy enough that it is threatening your marriage. You can give up on it, take a lover, divorce or deny yourself; or you can work to save your marriage. Go to a sex therapist or een a marriage counsellor; preferrably with him but, if he won't go, go without him and try and get some ideas. Just DON'T have any kids until you are sure.

 

[EJFan]

We dated many years ago before we rekindled our relationship, and yes, things were better then.

Yes, I have myself to blame, because this time around it was different, but I remembered how it used to be and thought it would change. He said he was under a lot of stress. But three years....?

ok... you beat me to posting.

on the surface it looks like this was a case of denial. don't get caught up in the blame game though... it's neither your fault nor his. i'm sure there are a lot of details (ones you may not even recognize as being pertinent right now) that go into this issue. if you're both willing to put the effort into airing these concerns and rectifying them you'll probably come through it a happier couple. if you're not, and can't be open and honest about it, you might as well part ways before someone gets hurt.

 

[SweetErika]

Should I just give up?

You know your situation best, but I would likely look into it more and try counseling before throwing in the towel IF I felt like it was worth trying to save.

Some things I'd think about:

How old are you two?

Has he had prior serious relationships or marriages? If so, do you know what type of sex life he had with those women, and why the relationships failed?

Have you gotten the details of his "bad experiences with others"? IOW, has he explained what traumatized him so much?

If the issue with him not trying new things/wanting to please you was taken out of the picture, how would you describe your sex life? Is the 'nilla side of it okay, or was it before the resentment started setting in?

What else is going on in your relationship? Is there tension/resentment over other issues that could be exacerbating, or contributing to, his unwillingness to make an effort? Anything in his life that could be doing the same?

 

[jeninflorida]

I have been married for three years, and my husband is kinda squeamish, I suppose. I dunno, that and perhaps his sex drive is not so high. I like different positions, anal, light spankings and toys....nada.

I have have tried coming on strong and not coming on at all. I have let him know exactly what I want, and he doesn't want to. He will cite bad experiences with others as a reason. It is so strange, because this whole thing makes me feel unattractive, like he doesn't want to please me.

I've never had this problem before. Every other guy I've been with loves that I'm a freak, and I'm considered attractive.

Not having a strong sex life is making it difficult to get over the hurdles that marriage offers anyway. I feel like a female eunich....I have gotten where I don't really care anymore. He doesn't act like he does--he won't make himself attractive to me, and he won't try new things on his own initiative or mine.

Should I just give up?

Thanks.

men.....so confusing.....the line from Analize this, where he says that i have a girlfriend for that. after all my wife is the mother of my kids. with that said, i dont understand why men need girlfriends when most women are willing & want more....then again, there is the notion that women dont like sex. sure, some are out. life is short, find a better lover.

so with that said. sex and money, the two top topics for D-Town. how many hours is he working? this is a challange with out knowing the history and how things are between you two... how often does he take you out on a date? i'm thinking you still have a high self image, but what about him? when you start to talk about sex, what does he do?

 

[silverwhisper]

straight8 is entirely right that assigning blame is wrongheaded. i was writing in haste--that's my only excuse.

salsalicious, EJ's idea about a talk in a non-sexual setting is a good one and IMHO the most important next step. right now, you're operating w/out some critical information and until you get it, there's no hope whatsoever for improvement, no?

sorry for the original harshness in my first reply: the other guys can attest i'm not normally like that.

ed

 

[Straight-8]

sorry for the original harshness in my first reply: the other guys can attest i'm not normally like that.

ed

I attest!

 

[salsalicious]

straight8 is entirely right that assigning blame is wrongheaded. i was writing in haste--that's my only excuse.

salsalicious, EJ's idea about a talk in a non-sexual setting is a good one and IMHO the most important next step. right now, you're operating w/out some critical information and until you get it, there's no hope whatsoever for improvement, no?

sorry for the original harshness in my first reply: the other guys can attest i'm not normally like that.

ed

Blame is not cool, but being straight-up is-and you are right, I knew what I was getting into. Some women always think that something will change, or that they can live with a compromise.

We have talked about it--being separated, we are using chat, which is interesting, because you can look back and see what the other person said, leading to fewer misunderstandings. We had this long conversation last night, and he basically said that he was not going to change "who he was" for me. I can respect that, but sexually speaking, it was not what I wanted to hear.

After I posted this, I noticed a long thread about people who are happily married, but who don't have much of a sex life. I can relate, except for the happy part.

I choose hastily and wrong. I love him, but not with passion. That part went away after being continually rebuffed. Ah, retrospect.

 

[silverwhisper]

salsalicious: when you say you and your husband are separated, do you mean you're apart right now, or was that a very specific statement about the status of your marriage?

i honestly don't know what to say in response to be honest. do you still love him? does he love you?

straight-8: thanks, man! :>

ed

 

[Cathleen]

I'm sorry for your pain Salaslious, I know how hurtful it can feel inside when someone you love rejects your wants and desires. That pain can (and usually does for me) go deep to the spirit.

I feel badly that your conversation the other night didn't seem to produce any kind of positive outlook. My question for you is did you share with him those deep hurtful feelings? Did you tell him his actions leave you doubting your attractiveness and his desire for you?

In my opinion those feelings are big keys to address. As someone already mentioned I think, if you want -- truly want -- to give this marriage more time I'd seek professional help.

I can sense your hopelessness and your pain, you deserve relief from those feelings.

 

[salsalicious]

Yes, we are actually separated. Our differences got to the point where I couldn't stand another second of it a little over a month ago, and I moved out.

I do still love him, and he loves me. We simply have awful interactions with one another.

It is difficult to be with him. He is weak (his words), and it seems like it is somehow because of me. I don't ever want to be responsible for tearing someone down, but I think the responsibility of having a family and this fixer-upper we had was just too much. Anyway, he can be passive-aggressive, and I can be a real bitch. Too bad a good roll in the hay couldn't remedy some of this! I really think it would have helped, literally, to relieve some of the tension.

I didn't tell him that I was hurt, just that I didn't feel so desirable, or something to that effect. We can really get into the "who is hurt the most" game if we are not careful.

It is difficult to have those conversations with him, because I don't want to hurt his feelings, but it is bad whether I say anything or not....

Anyway, I'm blathering away here. It is good to have the support and insight of this forum.

 

[silverwhisper]

salsalicious: at the risk of sounding insensitive, if he's going to wind up feeling hurt either way, perhaps voicing your feelings in a non-confrontational way would help? if it's hard to express, perhaps writing it down or something might help?

ed

 

[salsalicious]

Thanks Silverwhisper, but I have done that. The chat conversation was non-confrontational. Also, it is difficult for me to bring this stuff up, so I am not all aggressive and everything about it. He does know what I want. I guess I could take it a step further and buy toys, for example, and lay them all out on the bed and ask him to use them, but I would feel weird. I mean, it is just not a turn-on at all if he doesn't take some initiative.

I want to be wildly taken.....

I guess this is why they call them fantasies.

 

[silverwhisper]

sorry, it wasn't clear to me that you've done this already and didn't get anywhere.

yeesh.

is it possible there's other factors that are dampening his ardor? example: if you've been pregnant, some guys i understand have difficulty seeing their wives as both mothers and sexual beings.

btw: your handle is very cool. :>

ed