Will it ever end....

[mistletoe1963]

I was sexually abused as a child...cant tell you what exact age, probably started about gr 5 Im thinking...I was an early bloomer, I guess which was a great disadvantage to me...It also happened to my sister, she is 5 yrs older...it all came out when I was 20, she ended up charging him, they thought he would get time, he got probabation, and it finally ruined his family...but I think it ruined my life, and now I am thinking forever...I have been to therapy and did very well...enough where my therapist told me I was done and sent me on my way...now I know I am not done...and probably never will be...throughout my life I would gain and lose weight, gain to make myself unattractive, so my father didnt think I was hot, and then have the confidence and lose the weight and look great, and feel great, and then maybe see my dad, he would drop by for a cup of coffee, or to see the grandchildren, comment on my weight, if I had lost, and it would send me for a spin and I would gain it right back...then I had the ultimate answer, gastric bypass surgery, that would make me forever skinny, what I have always dreamed of being...I went thru the process for almost a year, and when it came close to surgery time, I hit rock bottom, or perhaps reality...again, he would have control of my life, after the surgery, my eating habits would be forever altered, my health at risk for the rest of my life and unnecessary complications...plus a major fear of waking up from surgery and someone telling me that he had passed away that very day, and then what...ugh...I had 2 drs in my psychiatry session there, head of the hospital psychiatry and another dr, why I had both I will never know, and I expressed all concerns and was very open about my life...then I was dismissed from the program by them, I was not big enough for the surgery, and since I had no health complications, that was another strike against me, then they told me, when it got time and I did lose the weight, that I would be in the category for suicidal, with skin hanging and self esteem issues...ohip doesnt cover the cost for me on skin surgery and it would cost $18,000 to make me look great...they diagnosed me as depressed and sent me on my way. My dr got the report and called me in right away, I went on wellbutrin again, I hit a slump last year for a couple months, and went on it...now my eating habits really suck, it makes me not hungry at all many times. I was told I had to force eat. Do you know how horrible that is, many times I cannot do it. But I do know that the not eating part is not good for me. So again, my father has a hold on my life...it is like he is the spider and I am in his web..no wonder I have such a fear of spiders...I would so like to get this weight off, for good...I just cant seem to get it together to get on the right track...everyday I put myself down or think people dont like me or find me attractive...Im just wondering, will it ever end..........

 

[NippleMuncher]

You might be interested in this discussion.

 

[subwannabe]

How old are you now and what is your relationship with your father now?

 

[mistletoe1963]

You might be interested in this discussion.

yes, my posts are in there thanks

 

[mistletoe1963]

How old are you now and what is your relationship with your father now?

I am in late 40s, and only see him perhaps 1 time a year and maybe 2 phone calls, but it always happens at the time when I have lost the weight and it rebounds me

 

[subwannabe]

I suggest further counseling and at least for the time being cut off all communication with your father until you can bury this for good. I don't know what he is like now but you are probably justified in never seeing or talking to him ever again. Concentrate on the counseling and finding a real man where time will eventually erase prior wounds. Maybe in the future if you believe he is truly remorseful you can pick up on the relationship again but I wouldn't do it until you have a quality relationship with a man first.

 

[mistletoe1963]

I agree with the further counselling, my dr referred me to a psychiatrist this time, its been a few weeks, Im still waiting on a call. My kids dont know my past, and I dont want them to know so there has to be a tie there still for the time being. I think the only time it will be buried for good is when he is buried 10 feet under..and I dont like to be negative but I really dont think time will heal this wound. What do you mean by having a quality relationship with a man.

 

[unregistered]

 

[subwannabe]

Don't know your current situation or I missed it but I assumed you were single and didn't have a husband or significant other. I would think that having a good man in your relationship would help heal the wounds. Since you would prefer your father being 10 feet under I would definetly cut off all communication with him. Maybe you keep the door open for the benefit of your kids but if you have to worry about something there (which you should) then keeping that door open doesn't serve any useful purpose anyway. I don't believe you ever mentioned what his current thoughts were on the past, in particular if he is actually remorseful or just wants to pretend it never happened.

 

[Athalia]

Your experiences parallel mine to a great degree.

Will it ever end? I don't know. Will it get better? Possibly, with the right counseling and support. It did for me. Will I ever become like the sexually exuberant, liberated characters I describe in my stories? No. Am I now at peace with who I am? For the most part, yes.

Three things to consider: First, not all counselors are equally effective. If you aren't getting a rapport with one, try another. It's far more than a matter of credentials; there are some counselors that you're going to click with, and some that you're not going to click with. Don't waste time on the ones that aren't doing you good. FWIW, it was the fourth person I tried that really gave me useful insights on the problem, even though the first three had the right credentials and all the good intentions in the world. When your therapist sent you away, did she say that you were done, or that she had simply reached the limits of what she could do? There's a profound difference. Nobody has all the answers.

Second, I write stories about how a woman might have ended up if she had all the advantages and opportunities that I never did. I think that writing them helped me along on my healing process. I don't know if writing comes naturally to you, but the important thing is to get a firm idea in your head of the person you want to become, and put yourself in that character's place. When it becomes more familiar territory to you, you'll find it easier to incorporate that mind-set into your everyday life.

Lastly, I agree with subwannabe that you need to cut all ties with your father, and get him out of your life completely. The kids don't have to know why. All they need to know is that you don't trust him. (And here's another thought: can you trust him with them, or are they too at risk by being around them? Cutting off their contact with him might be the best thing you ever did for them. I warned my relatives about my own father, and told them to never, never, never leave their daughters alone with him for even a second. I caught some hell from my family about that, but airing some dirty family laundry was far better than putting those little girls at risk of what I went through.)