Will give feedback for food....um...I mean, feedback.

[ladyphoenix]

Hey all!
My newest story, "Aaron's Lolita" is now in the new section. I'd love some feedback and will gladly read yours respond in kind for some reactions. I know it's a fairly long story, but the characters didn't want just "wham, bam..." they were into two or three pages of sex, so...hey, what can I say?
Seriously, I'd love your responses. And will somebody PLEASE tell me why they put it in "Mature"????? I submitted it as "Erotic Couplings" since both characters are adults and the sex is mutual (yeah, I know....a new theme for me...lol) and I'm not sure why they switched it. Oh, well.
Here's to some significant and satisfying mutual feedback.

 

[Ray Dario]

Okay Ladyphoenix, you asked for it

This was without a doubt one of the best erotic stories I've read on Lit in a while. All the elements were there. Character, plot, grammer, everything. Good job.

Now to the few suggestions I have.

First: Loose the Never Ending Orgasm thing. All the "Pleeeeeese"s and "Yesssssssss"s and "Ohhhhhh"s. Come on you're a much better writer than that.

Second: elipses. I probably spelled that wrong, but here is my opinion on them. They should be used when a thought is broken or lost, not just for pauses. Yeah, I've read the new books that say they can be used for pauses, but I still don't like it. I think it's disrupting to the reader. But that is just my opinion.

That's all the negatives I have about your story.

As to your question, why was it put in Mature? Well, it was a story about an older man and a younger woman. From what I can tell the "Mature" category is for stories where the principals involved have a wide age difference. Your story certainly fits that definition.

I know that the "Mature" category is not really an inviable place for your story to wind up, but it does fit.

Anyway, you have written a great story. I'm glad you asked for feedback, because otherwise I would have missed it. Good work, keep writing.

Now I'm off to read some of your other stories

Ray

 

[TheEarl]

That was one of the best stories I've ever read on this site. I don't mind the "Oooooooh" and "Pleeeeeease", but I think Ray's right, you could do better. However I have to disagree on the matter of ellipses, AFAIK it's perfectly correct English to use them for pauses in thought or speech. However it is still subjective, so we could both be right.

I'm really sorry, I tried very hard, but there is little that I can critique this story with and I was too enveloped in it to concentrate on the grammar. Excellent story.

The Earl

 

[ladyphoenix]

To Ray and The Earl

Dear Men,
Thank you SO much for the wonderful feedback, and I just want to say to those who I hope will follow you: No, I don't know these people, and they are not being paid for their testimonials.
As for the "Yessss"es and "Ohhhh"s, well--I just try to make the verbalizations sound as realistic as possible and let's face it, we all say stuff like that. I hadn't thought I'd overused it, but I'll go back and look again.
Yes, I know I use the elipses a great deal. It's a habit of mine, and just as you have, I've gotten positive and negative comments about that. I suppose it's a matter of personal taste, but my ultimate goal is always for the flow to move naturally so I try to read and re-read to make sure they don't interrupt your eyes or your brain while you're reading. But again, I'll keep that in mind.
Again, thanks a million for such nice replies. Hope you like the other stories as well.
LadyP

 

[Guest]

Hello lp,

Hot, hot, hot!(i.e. jerked off 3times )

I'm sure if Ray says grammar is fine, it's fine.

One thing though, is there such a thing as over use? I'm sure it's grammartically correct, but I haven't seen so many semi-colons in one paragraph for sometime. Can over use be abuse?

I'd love to read more of your work.

P.S. You suck
P.P.S. i didn't vote, coz' i came before i finished readin' page 4

 

[ladyphoenix]

Dear Chilled,
Gee, I guess a three (in terms of jerk offs) rather than a five (in terms of voting) is about the same, huh? (lol).
I would, however, appreciate the vote. Hint, hint.
Not sure about the abuse of semi-colons. Until now I've only been accused of the abuse of elipses but perhaps now I'm on to the harder stuff. Anyway, hope you enjoy the rest of my stories and PLEASE VOTE. Thanks again!

 

[Impetus]

Good grief, that was awesome.

My singular suggestion would be this. There is a wonderfull build up to the actual act of sex. The wind up to the story is long and great, and the first orgasm is long and great, and then he eats her out, and it's a little shorter, and then there is the sex, and that's a little shorter still. It's like you lost momentum as the story went on. I would have spent more time developing the actual act, or even the next two or three afterwords. You've got a great talent for writing this kind of stuff, don't 'stiff' us on it. (Get it? Stiff? Get it? My mom thinks i'm funny...)

-I

 

[ladyphoenix]

Impetus,
Thanks so much for the fabulous feedback. I'm still surprised I haven't gotten anyone saying I spent TOO much time building the story. I get a lot of those responses by email.

I actually thought the FIRST orgasm was too fast; maybe you saw it as 'long' simply because you'd been waiting for it through the whole build up and all that nervous foreplay in the living room seemed like it was part of the first peak.

As far as whether or not you are funny, hmmmmm. Not sure, but you do have good taste. Thanks!!

 

[ladyphoenix]

Last call...c'mon people...how about some more??

Hmmm.....I wonder why people don't read certain stories, why they don't vote...now I wonder why some requests for feedback get more responses than others. Something new to fuzz up my brain. Just great! *g*

 

[Ray Dario]

Ladyphoenix,

For me there are a couple of things I look at before I give feedback.

First, how many other's have given feedback. More than just a couple and I assume that I would have little to offer that hasn't already been said.

Then I look at how many times the person has asked for feedback and how many times he/she has given it on the boards. Here I give them the benefit of the doubt as much as possible but if I have seen many requests and no responses then I'll pass on giving them feedback. Or if the person has received feedback in the past and has argued or been rude to the person giving feedback I'll pass.

If it passes the first two tests then I read the story. If I can't find anything good to say about it, then I don't give feedback. Maybe this is wrong, but I really hate just blasting the hell out of someone who has poured they heart into a story. So unless I can find a positive I won't give the negative.

With all of this I still give feedbacks quite often and if anyone wants me to look over a story for them, before or after it has been submitted, I'm usually happy to do it. There are some exceptions, and I know I've pissed people off by telling them no, but usually I am happy to help.

Well anyway, that is how I go about choosing which stories to give feedback on. I don't know if this helps you in your quest for understanding or not.

Ray

 

[SleeperGT]

Pretty good so far, currently at page 2. If not for actual work, I'd be done.

I laughed when Leila told him where her dad was. A couple paragraphs before, stating on how Aaron's wife isn't around often, "one too many business trips". Without a doubt, she's got an affair. Hell, probably with the some next door neighbor, if not her boss.

It was true. I almost spit my French Vanilla on my workstation monitor, laughing.

In any case, it is very, very well and nicely written. Ambiance is described in high detail. I have recently submitted my first short story and one of my concerns was either be wordy and describe the atmosphere and environment in detail or to just give enough and have the reader(s) imagine the rest the way they want it to be.

Up to today, I'm still debating to myself what to decide on doing but what you have done in Aaron's Lolita is really very good.

*****

Ah, how about that mutual feedback?

Friendly Street Race?

*****

Edit: Finished reading it. Very nicely done.

 

[ladyphoenix]

Sleeper GT's Friendly Street Race

Okay.... (stretching my claws with a wicked grin)

First paragraph, you should have separated Lawrence's speech from Anna's.

He replied. "And they hung up" are fragment and they drag. Say instead, He replied, "Love you too," before hanging up.

"Anna was Lawrence's fiancee and they....." This paragraph reads like a documentary. Try:

His fiancee Anna had been living at his place. In her late 20's, she was a practicing general physician, still studying to specialize in internal medicine. While he was a few years younger, Lawrence had already become head Systems Analyst for a growing communications company. With his fair complexion and short, boringly brown hair he managed to look neatly kept as most men in his postion would, despite the fact that he let his bangs grow long enough to sweep down across his eyes once in a while.

Anna told people he was handsome, in a boyish, harmless kind of way. Of course, she knew that he was just the opposite behind closed bedroom doors and she always said that was something she found very sexy about him, among other things. He wasn't rich, which is to say he was pretty normal financially, too, but he tried to be responsible and keep the cost of his lifestyle in line with his means. Every now and again, he treated Anna and himself to something extravagent but managed to do it without breaking their proverbial banks."

Onto the next paragraph, you again have problems with sentence structure. "His best friends, Tom and Faye, on the other hand, were rich...and lived it. [LOTS OF COMMAS HERE BREAK UP THE FLOW] Having a business, more like a huge corporation, which controls or owns several other corporations. [FRAGMENT] How people achieve this... *shrug*. *cough* Inheritence. *cough* Tom and Faye were hosting a party for some bankers/businesspeople [TWO WORDS BUSINESS PEOPLE] at his [THEIR?] estate. And invited Lawrence and Anna and some other good friends along. [FRAGMENT]. [FROM "How people achieve this..." all the way through "...at his estate." SEEMS TO BE ONE RUN ON SENTENCE. YOU HAVE PERIODS AFTER "shrug", INDICATING THE END OF A SENTENCE, BUT THEN *cough* IS NOT CAPITALIZED, INDICATING THE START OF ANOTHER SENTENCE. "Inheritence" IS CAPITALIZED AS IF IT IS THE BEGINNING OF A SENTENCE BUT IT IS FOLLOWED BY A PERIOD (ie, the end of a sentence) BUT THEN THE NEXT *cough* IS NOT CAPITALIZED]

Try: "His best friends Tom and Faye WERE rich. Owning a huge corporation that Tom inherited, they lived rich as well. And they were hosting a very formal business affair for business associates, to which they had also invited him and Anna"

"Lawrence returned to his desk..." The first line is good, but it's followed by three abrupt sentences which make staccato breaks in the rhythm. You need to do some work with varying your sentences. You really don't need to include the information about the call with the invitation; it doesn't really mean anything to us; we already know they were invited. WHEN doesn't make a difference. He says, "Suprisingly, after re-writing a few scripts, the server started up and run [WAS RUNNING --OR-- RAN] again." I got the feeling that he was a professional, and so why should he be 'surprised' that his work did what it was supposed to do?

"Relieved" [FRAGMENT]. "Closed the books and placed them back on their appropriate shelves, he walked quickly out of the "server control room," informed the few who were working that it's back "up and running" and made his way to the elevator down to his sleek black sports car and drove off straight to Tom's since Anna said she was hitching a ride with Faye."

This is a one-word fragment followed by six lines of a SINGLE sentence which has NO subject. Yes, we know that "He" closed the books and "he" placed the books...but you don't say so, and so the sentence hangs oddly. Try:

"Relived that he'd contained and repaired the problem, Lawrence closed the books and walked out to tell the few remaining workers that they were up and running again. Then he took the elevator down to the garage to his car and headed for Tom's, since Anna said she'd be hitching a ride with Faye."

We don't care about where the books go, or what the room is called. Yes, there are often details we add as writers to make the story more interesting/appealing, but the trick is knowing when to skip details, and when to add them. And to describe his ride as a "sleek black sports car" is a huge cliche.

Next paragraph, first line might read better as "Lawrence drove as he always did, cruising at the speed limit, windows down and stereo pumped up just enough to be heard above the wind."

"It was a fine day." and "Traffic was light" are fragments, but here they are used well, almost like traffic itself. Nice use of them.

"Twiddling his thumbs on the steering wheel waiting for the green..." VERY nice, smooth sentence. Great descriptors. Then you use the word "sleek" again about the yellow Corvette. Try another word.

Your work gets better....although some minor work would be good, you get us the picture of the girl, the new car, the challenge quickly, efficiently and well.

Okay, from here I'm gonna finish reading, then I'll be back with final comments.

oops...gotta mention this. He's touching the other driver's ass while they're walking up the stairs and you say, "She didn't seem to mind and, since she was walking ahead, he couldn't see the smile on her face."

This was written from HIS point of view. And if he can't see it, you CAN'T tell us anything about it from his POV.

Again, in describing the billiard room you use fragments very well in the descriptions.

"Oh darling, you're driving me mad"....a little over the top.

"I love you, my beautiful Doctor Anna" was pushing the "so sweet it makes my teeth hurt" meter, but okay. HOWEVER, you then follow it with "I love you too, my Jason Lawrence Anderson. So very much." Come on, nobody talks like that after the age of 18.

Okay, all done reading. Well, I have to say, you need MAJOR work on sentence structure, and just as much on keeping your verb tenses consistent (past tense/present tense, you often go back and forth). These are the most common problems I see in stories that I find problems with, so it isn't uncommon.

However, I liked the story as a whole...characters, and plot. I thought the package was fine, it just needs serious proof-reading and editing before submission. With some work, you could be doing some '5' stories. Keep it up. (no pun intended there folks...hehehe)

 

[SleeperGT]

Hrmmm... 'k, gotcha.

I did realize some of the errors you had pointed out after I had submitted the story. I actually thought about sending a more polished version (actually, moderately rewritten ). I just don't know how common it is to have posted work edited. I don't want to trouble the webmaster.

Yeah, deciding whether to describe in detail or not, I still have to work on. Also the tenses. I admit, I got confused during one of the few proof-readings. I'll be more consistent with the POV.

Thanks much for the feedback. I will try to apply all your lessons on my second story, if ever there would be another composition at all.

I'm happy you liked the story, overall at least. That practically made my night. Thanks.

 

[Ukin]

Feedback

Lady: I loved your story, and yes I voted too...I make it my habit to vote on those I read. Some don't catch my "attention" for too long, but your's did.

I liked the writing style too..but then again, it reminded me, slightly, very slightly, of mine.

Keep it up - the good work I mean!!

 

[ladyphoenix]

Thanks to SleeperGT and Ukin!!

Thanks, folks, for responding. Come on, GT....believe me, if you haven't gotten up close and personal with me in chat, you haven't had your night made. Yet. *weg*

Ukin, you knew that last comment would make me curious...I'll have to go find your story(ies?) and see what's up there. If you want formal line by line feedback, see my "FEEDBACK OFFER" posting on the bulletin board.

 

[SleeperGT]

Something to look forward to.

 

[trendyredhead]

whew!

After reading the discussion, I had to read it to see for myself. WOW - normally, I'm very hung up on grammar and sentence structure, but in this case, I was so wrapped up in the story that I didn't mind a few problems.

You created such realistic reactions in Mr Wagner - the feeling of being torn between being a responsible friend and neighbor vs being tempted by this hot, innocent woman-child.

I suspected she knew he may have been watching, but wasn't entirely sure -- the way you accomplished this was very well done. You wrote in such a way that the reader would suspect but not be sure and feel vindicated (after feeling like a voyeur) that she had indeed put on a show for him/us, making him/us not feel quite so guilty for being unable to turn away.

I liked the way you kept track of the time as she got ready, and kept checking on that hinge (that never did get fixed), and was relieved that he took a drive to cool off. I didn't expect her to be there waiting when he got back, although i briefly considered the possibility when her dad left, then dismissed it just as quickly.

This is definitely one of the better stories I've read on here, and I sincerely hope you'll write more. You have a real talent for weaving a story.

TR

 

[secretdesire]

Wonderful, wonderful wonderful, and yet again wonderful.

This is seriously one of the best stories I've read to date here on Literotica. It was so rich with description and characterization that I felt completely immersed in the story. You had a few really fun quotable lines in there too: ("a shot of 100 proof naughty in her voice" and "between a cock and a hard place"). I think my favorite part of the whole story was the play-by-play timeline of prom day when Aaron was supposed to be fixing the door hinge.

I did think the story dragged a little when Aaron was commanding Leila to do things (take down your hair, take down your panties, etc). That section might be better tightened up a bit. But that's really it for my input. I absolutely loved it.

I don't know if you care about typos, but I happened to catch 2 along the way:

Page 1: The first sentence of a paragraph reads "Her smile widened a two almost imperceptible dimples appeared in her creamy pale cheeks. ("a" should be "and").

Page 2: The last sentence of a paragraph reads "by moving a bit and shrugging first one shoulder than the other, he helped her dispose of it." ("than" should be "then").

 

[ladyphoenix]

To trendy and secretdesire

Wow...finally some input from the ladies. THANKS!!!

What can I say about typos? I think I re-read these things a dozen times before submitting. Just goes to show you, no matter how careful you TRY to be, you screw up anyway *grins*

To all those offering feedback, when you mention reading my other stories, PLEASE come back and reply again here if you do and let me know what you think. Or, of course, there is always the "click here to send feedback to the author" thing. I really like hearing what people did/didn't enjoy; it helps when writing in the future.

Again ladies, thank you!! And keep reading!

 

[russell]

Having you night made

i love LP' s stories

 

[damppanties]

Re: Last call...c'mon people...how about some more??

Hmmm.....I wonder why people don't read certain stories, why they don't vote...now I wonder why some requests for feedback get more responses than others. Something new to fuzz up my brain. Just great! *g*

Me, I didn't read this story of yours because there was no link to it. Sorry, I know that's rotten of me but I was too lazy to search for it. Now I'm going to go and read it. Promise.

-DP.

 

[ladyphoenix]

the missing link

Miss damppanties,

Yeah, I know...however, I only just learned yesterday why I was not able to put frogs and devils and other such things in my messages, and links to the page also. Now that I am using the vB codes (they were previously disabled when I wrote here) I'm cool. Sorry, I hate to make people work, but I'm looking forward to your feedback!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=33638

 

[damppanties]

the missing link doesn't work

Don't worry, I already got the link in this thread; I think it was SleeperGT.

Your story's jinxed (for me). This is the fourth time I'm trying to read it. The first time, my computer froze. Second time, I had to go somewhere (didn't realise the time). Third time, there was a power failure! This is the fourth time... I really hope I can finish it now.

Ok, I'm on the third page and till now it is going great . I got one typo.

"Oh.....please.....please!" she hissed, undulating her body in innocent attempts to get her breast father into his mouth.

father should be 'farther'.

Hmmm, just finished it. It was fantabulous! You have a wonderful way with words. I think I have a short attention span and I normally don't like long stories, but this one held my interest right from the start. Inspite of reading it in three parts, I still enjoyed it immensely. I'll definitely read your other stories.

-DP.

 

[yknow]

I was determined not to like this ... I have never been into the Lolita thing. I was a bit disappointed when Leila magically appeared in Aaron's house ( Hmmm, he’s been lusting after his neighbor for years and suddenly he comes home from a drive and poof, she is there half naked!) ... I originally would have preferred a plot line where Leila’s date stands her up for the prom, then Aaron finds her in her house, ready to be consoled. Bit, there were enough twists in the plot after that point to make the scenario believable.

Great build up from the beginning … In the end, I loved it!

Thanks for writing it.

 

[ladyphoenix]

y'know....thanks for the nice compliments. But I didn't think she was half naked. She was half dressed. *grin* I have other stories that don't involve Lolitas, so hope you find something in your favorite genre.