Will being a parent ever get easier?

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[australwind]

No one gave out User's Manuals when kids were born.... you are expected to make a go of it all by yourself! As a parent, you should be in the best position to judge what is right for your kid. You cannot presume to know what other parents will think is right for theirs. All you can do is set your own standards for your family and hope that your children respect those standards.


Having said that, never base your reason for disallowing contact between kids solely on their chronological age. Girls tend to mature far more quickly than boys and if you have done everything else right in the raising of your lad, then his choices for friends will reflect that.

From my own experience, I have just one offspring (now an adult) who's first long term relationship began at 18 with a lovely guy 10 years her senior (she had barely finished high school and he had two degrees and postgrad study under his belt). She was batting way over her average and was far more comfortable and capable of having this relationship with him at this stage in her life. Boys of her own age were just that... boys. She had always been far more socially skilled and mature in her outlook by comparison with her contemporaries.

The age difference was irrelevent until well into the fourth year of the relationship and he was ready to become more settled and domestic.... she wasn't and they moved on.

Take it one step at a time with your kids and make sure that they know why you are uncomfortable.....there's no surer way to make them go behind your back than laying down the law in a totally inflexible fashion.

 

[Eilan]

Wow. This is what I have to look forward to--times four.

Scaly, I haven't been there yet, obviously, so I don't have any real advice to give. When does college start? Maybe if you can just get through the summer. . .

Props to you for being one of the parents who actually gives a shit. Some parents don't--I saw that with my brother's fiancée's mother. All she cared about was getting her kids out of the way.

Having said that, never base your reason for disallowing contact between kids solely on their chronological age.

The only thing is, if anything happens between the "kids" once Scaly's son is 18, then it's possible that he's treading on shaky legal ground, depending on his state's age of consent laws.

 

[bobsgirl]

I definitely see why you're uneasy, MrWag. At 18, he's legally an adult, and these girls are not.

Have you discussed with your son why you have reservations? I know it'll be a little awkward, and you'll probably get the rolley-eyes thing. (I've had teenagers--I remember) But he needs to be aware of it so he knows what the law is. Not saying here that the law would ever be involved, please don't think I mean that, but just saying, he needs to know.

I think swimming at your home is an outstanding idea.

 

[australwind]

The only thing is, if anything happens between the "kids" once Scaly's son is 18, then it's possible that he's treading on shaky legal ground, depending on his state's age of consent laws.

Wasn't going to visit the "legal" side of it.... have no idea about what you can and can't do in the US... its completely different here!

But I had the feeling that potential legal implications weren't the source of Scally's concern in the first instance.

 

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[Eilan]

Wasn't going to visit the "legal" side of it.... have no idea about what you can and can't do in the US... its completely different here!

The pain in the ass part is that in the US, the age of consent varies from state to state, and in some states, 18 year olds can have sex with minors if they're no more than X number of months older than the minor.

Confusing.

 

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[wicked woman]

To add a bit to the already good advice you've received...I don't know what the averages are now but it used to be that a 4 year age gap between men and women was normal. I appreciate that you may not think they're men and women but they're also less than the 4 years.

Your explanation of your son being young for his class, as well as some men's preference for younger women tells me you need to find a comfortable age difference since he's not likely to go out with the older women in his class.

The comment about women matruing sooner is true. Is your son mature for his age or no?

Comment on being so strong that kids will go behind your back is true too. Was a real issue with me with one of my sons. We had a few discussions about not picking your life mate at a very young age...that you should play the field, see what's out there before making a final decision. He made it very clear he wasn't doing that. 10 years later at 23, he married his first and only girlfriend.

As an aside...appreciating it wasn't really your question. I wouldn't get too concerned that they wanted to swim somewhere else. I remember in university going out with an officer cadet at the local military college. Saturday night was always a dance at the mess with great music and cheap liquor. After a while the guys suggested going into town for one Saturday night. I wondered why... music wasn't any better and drinks would cost more but they just wanted something difference. Same with your pool Scaly.

 

[Cockyfox]

Every one keeps telling me that it gets easier, but I actually think it gets harder every year.

I don't think it's a double standard. It's the age. It's a reality that girls are more prone to emotional attachments at that age whereas boys are more prone to physical opportunitites, IMX anyway. I think you have the right frame of mind here.

 

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[wicked woman]

trouble is, I remember too much of the shit I pulled when I was a kid.

oh well let's hope he takes after his Mom then

 

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[silverwhisper]

scaly:

first: i wanna note that i admire your commitment. and AFAICT, no, it doesn't get easier, based on the experiences of those i know. :>

second: i don't think there's a double-standard here at all. i think you're erring to the side of caution. if i were the parent of one of the girls, i for one would welcome your initiating contact.

third: talk to your son and tell him that you want to speak w/ the girls' parents. he should know that he's got 2 options: either tell you their contact details himself or you can find out. i suspect he'll prefer to do this himself.

you don't actually mention this but is there a reason to believe there's a possible romantic angle in the relationships is it possibly just platonic?

ed

 

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[silverwhisper]

when i myself am a parent, i will strive to follow your example, scaly.

ed

 

[M's girl]

.... But I just hate worrying.

I can surely understand that. I'm not a mum though (well, not really) but I HAVE one I'm 43 and she still worries (if only she knew....)

Things are a bit different here at this side of the globe I think. I know tons of kids at the age you are describing getting together for parties and such. Of course teenage pregnancies happen here too. The laws are somewhat different I think.

Listen, you know your son and I think you can sort of guess his level of maturity, no? I would talk to him (you already did, I know) not like an udult to a child but more like a man to man thing. I'm sure he will understand where things could go "wrong" so he will also understand you rather want to be safe than sorry. I think it's a good idea to talk to the parents of the girls, why not? Anything that happens under your roof (or in your swimming pool ) is still your responsibility.

 

[Straight-8]

Hi Scaly:
I would caution you about jumping to too many conclusions about what's going on. Yes, be vigilant, but I actually find that (with a few weird exceptions) the kids are actually a bit more restrained than we/I was at their age. 2.5 years isn't a huge gap and with your son's plans he'll likely move on shortly anyway.

One of the most difficult things that I have found as a parent of three (rapidly maturing) young adults is keeping up on the 'letting go' part at an appropriate pace. I think one of the worst things you can do for your kids is to 'over-parent' them (of course another is to 'under-parent'). In my view, you are treading very close to the line by phoning the girls parents. If you embarass your son and make him totally uncool with his peers he will just shut down on you and stop trusting you and sharing information. You've raised him well with appropriate values, now you've got to trust him and give him a bit more free rein - good luck with it.

To reply to your basic question: not really (so far at least). The worries just change a bit.

 

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[Eilan]

the swimming thing was more related to the places they wanted to go swimming.
1. a quarry
2. a major river (and we've had a lot of rain lately)
3. a pond in a somewhat remote location (this was the compromise)

Oh, my. I guess I was assuming public pools.

 

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