Why sub

[ataxia.girl]

I had delusions of serious PE with M at one point, but honestly the actual keel I operate on isn't that. That would probably blow out my adrenals, to be honest. I feel the need to have veto and option in the relationship, but it's fine if it's organic, it doesn't have to be codified

i think its possible both the men in my life operate like this. They don't need me to know\verbalize\accept their belief they can reign me in whenever they really want to. my acceptance or non acceptance does not change the fact that i have a hard time with disapproval\non-acceptance and that is a pretty big power chip in their favor whenever they choose to play it.

Daddy thinks of me as his slave but i don't think of me as his slave. He doesn't need me to.

 

[Netzach]

Well i don't resist all the time with Daddy by any stretch. At most i have resisted\tantrum-ed 2 nights out of a 4 night visit. The last visit i didn't resist at all for the entire 5 days. Its not something i decide to do. It just happens.

i think the other reason Daddy doesn't mind is he still pursues other women. If he found a perfectly obedient slave and there was chemistry he would dig that.

He has likened owning me to owning a race horse that sometimes forgets its owned property but unlike a racehorse he is much bigger than i am and has no problem subduing me. Perhaps yappy lap dog who isn't aware the pit bull its barking at is 20 times its size would be a better analogy.

LOL, I don't think you're the tantrum queen or anything. I'm sorry I know you're probably given a lot of shit over that admission that you're not subdued all the time.

 

[Netzach]

i think its possible both the men in my life operate like this. They don't need me to know\verbalize\accept their belief they can reign me in whenever they really want to. my acceptance or non acceptance does not change the fact that i have a hard time with disapproval\non-acceptance and that is a pretty big power chip in their favor whenever they choose to play it.

Daddy thinks of me as his slave but i don't think of me as his slave. He doesn't need me to.

Yep, the difference maybe - maybe not, I don't know if this is the case for you, is that sometimes M gets his way and it's FINE. It's not a giant breakdown in the whole dynamic when later on it's like "honey do" "yes dear." I'm trying to find a better way to explain this, but it seems like a lot of people need a kind of total unilateral PE, where I need more of a feeling of net effect.

 

[JMohegan]

What criteria do you judge emotional/mental independence on?

Interesting question.

i guess a rough rule would be someone who was able to take care of themselves equally well in or out of a relationship but more than that. i want to say they are also as good at taking care of themselves as their partner is, meaning one is not more or less dysfunctional than the other.

Of course now i have had to look up independent in the dictionary and i have to say it seems pretty contrary to any definition of submissive i've ever seen.

1 : not dependent: as a (1) : not subject to control by others : self-governing (2) : not affiliated with a larger controlling unit <an independent bookstore> b (1) : not requiring or relying on something else : not contingent <an independent conclusion> (2) : not looking to others for one's opinions or for guidance in conduct (3) : not bound by or committed to a political party c (1) : not requiring or relying on others (as for care or livelihood) <independent of her parents> (2) : being enough to free one from the necessity of working for a living <a person of independent means> d : showing a desire for freedom <an independent manner>

Perhaps this explains why i have never understood a Dominant's desire for an independent submissive. It just doesn't make sense to me.

Two points for you to think about.

First - 'natural follower' and 'compulsive follower' are not the same thing.

Few people are devoid of the capacity to make decisions relating to their own well being. Saying that an individual is most comfortable when someone else is in charge in no way means that individual lacks the capacity to take care of him/herself. Nor does it mean that he/she lacks independent interests, passions, abilities, or goals.

A natural follower who loves books and research may obtain the requisite education to take a job working for the county library. If interests and skills tend toward hair and makeup, maybe she'll work at a salon. Science and health, maybe she'll end up in a job as pediatrician on staff at a local hospital.

It seems to me that only a very insecure D or male would find any of that threatening to either his personal dominance or masculinity.


Second - love makes a human (ANY human) vulnerable.

A D may not be in love with his/her s, and that's obviously fine. But when a D and s are in love with one another, the emotional vulnerability goes both ways. In those cases, the notion that the D could somehow remain emotionally independent relative to the s is dehumanizing, and just plain silly.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Yep, the difference maybe - maybe not, I don't know if this is the case for you, is that sometimes M gets his way and it's FINE. It's not a giant breakdown in the whole dynamic when later on it's like "honey do" "yes dear." I'm trying to find a better way to explain this, but it seems like a lot of people need a kind of total unilateral PE, where I need more of a feeling of net effect.

Daddy's funny because he never really compromises in that if i'm being a pill about something i'm upset about he doesn't try to find ways to make it incrementally more okay with me. After a long tug of war, usually a long distance one, he'll just say okay, you're right. Then i'm left with that weird let-down feeling of having gotten my way.

Its always like... wait... uhhh.... now i don't have anything to fuss and complain about

 

[ataxia.girl]

LOL, I don't think you're the tantrum queen or anything. I'm sorry I know you're probably given a lot of shit over that admission that you're not subdued all the time.

i tend to focus more on my flaws\shortcomings than my strengths. my perception of my self is usually pretty distorted. When Daddy reads a lot of the stuff i write he just laughs because i paint myself as such a "bad" girl. The fact is when i try to be objective and look at my life from a distance i'm very high functioning despite all the confusion and emotional upheaval i feel a lot of the time. Its that whole black\white thing.

i remember an object lesson in sunday school once where they took a glass of clear water and showed how just a couple of drops of red food coloring could make it "dirty" and impure. That all or nothing, one bad act taints everything, thinking is wedged in there pretty deep.

On the other hand i have thrown water on him among other things when i've gotten really angry and wound up. i remember one night i was pissed he didn't give me a bath. He fell asleep and was snoring. i threw my clothes at him which had no effect on the snoring, took my bath (really angrily of course). When i got out he was still snoring so i took the towel off my head and shook my wet hair all over him (which i have a lot of). The next morning he said that was nice and how much he loves my hair

i often recount via text all the ways he failed me during the visit while i'm sitting on the plane waiting for it to take off and take me home. After several times of this happening he now brings it up at breakfast and tries to guess all the things i will say. He does this all with a smirk of course. He turned it into something fun and helped me deal with the fact that i'm just really bummed i have to leave. The fact that he pretty much treats me like a little girl no matter how i am behaving makes me feel like one. i swear some of our conversations if they weren't about kink would sound like an after school special. Angsty little girl goes to visit Daddy for custody visit and then has to go home, immaturely takes her frustration out on Daddy who lost the custody battle.

 

[Netzach]

Daddy's funny because he never really compromises in that if i'm being a pill about something i'm upset about he doesn't try to find ways to make it incrementally more okay with me. After a long tug of war, usually a long distance one, he'll just say okay, you're right. Then i'm left with that weird let-down feeling of having gotten my way.

Its always like... wait... uhhh.... now i don't have anything to fuss and complain about

I do this kind of judo a lot. It's most effective.

 

[00Syd]

Because its hot and it feels good.



Duh.

 

[ataxia.girl]

Because its hot and it feels good.



Duh.

Mmmmm yup... does

 

[petitefille]

I see it like this: in an ideal situation, giving control to another would bring out and develop confidence and trust between a couple. The bottom would be able to explore herself within the confines of this type of relationship in a way that she wouldn't be able to in a non-D/s relationship and she would feel a sort of liberation by being controlled by someone she deems worthy of a great amount of trust. The top would feel the same sort of liberation and sense of exploration by being given this trust and control. It has nothing to do with superiority, it's more about the expression of someone's sexual and emotional and mental self. That's a bad way of wording it, but that's my perspective.

 

[HisSexyPet]

Why I sub outside the bedroom

...
i want to pose this as a hypothetical. Lets say you have a couple. Both partners have the same level of education, make the same amount of money, and have comparable other abilities and achievements, and are both able to independently take care of themselves when not in a relationship. What other reason besides low self esteem would cause one person in this relationship to cede control outside the bedroom to the other in any matter they would be equally affected by? ...

I can make decisions, I just don't like making them. I do enough deciding at work and what to make for supper. I voice my opinions and do choose several options, but I prefer it when B makes the final decision. We have the same taste so it isn't like he will choose something I hate.

I also am rather shy and as B puts it, he makes me do the things that I want to do. I am an idea person, but when it comes to putting those ideas into motion is where I stall. He hears my ideas, improves them, then says "let's go!" He is my motivational force.

 

[Ravenwind]

While we strive to have a 50/50 relationship, but the best way I could describe it is the same 50/50 "relationship" that the left hand and right hand have in an ambidextrous person: some things are only done well by one hand and not the other (while vice-versa with other things), some things are equally done by either hand, some things can only be accomplished by both, and some things neither hand, alone or in tandem, can do.

So, why do I submit to him outside of the bedroom? Because in my submission, he gains the strength to do what is right for the family, no matter how hard it may be... and in his dominance, I gain the wisdom to not make wrong decisions, no matter how much I may be tempted. He knows that "I'm behind you 100%" is the whole-hearted truth and that I will support him in every way possible, and I know that "Don't let it bother you" is reason enough for me to stop worrying, and that he will take care of the issue soon enough.

We do have a 50/50 relationship... but he has 40 apples and 10 oranges, whereas I have 40 oranges and 10 apples. ^_~ We are equal in strength, but our strengths differ enough to compliment one another perfectly- in his dominance, and in my submission, we are whole.

 

[Xhaiden]

My reason for loving to be a sub is because I am a teacher so I am always in charge. It's nice to give up that control and be on the other end, literally..lol. Just wish my wife was into it a bit more but something is better then nothing.

 

[HottieMama]

We do have a 50/50 relationship... but he has 40 apples and 10 oranges, whereas I have 40 oranges and 10 apples. ^_~ We are equal in strength, but our strengths differ enough to compliment one another perfectly- in his dominance, and in my submission, we are whole.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this analogy!

 

[HisSexyPet]

We do have a 50/50 relationship... but he has 40 apples and 10 oranges, whereas I have 40 oranges and 10 apples. ^_~ We are equal in strength, but our strengths differ enough to compliment one another perfectly- in his dominance, and in my submission, we are whole.

LOVE LOVE LOVE this analogy!

i second that. Perfect way to put it.

 

[rinka]

I am not a natural follower. I can follow, but usually with plenty of questions, suggestions and comments... And some resistance.

It just makes me hot.

I wouldn't defer in every area. And I wouldn't be all subservient in front of my kid. I still want more than just sexual dominance. And I find it difficult to define where that bedroom door is. For the PE in the bedroom to be what I want I need PE outside the bedroom.

 

[StrayKat]

And I find it difficult to define where that bedroom door is.

I am not a sub but I can relate to that. I envy people who can draw that line. For me it is hardly about sex at all.