Why Is It So Hard?

[Harmony_1985]

While I get what you are saying, and as someone who has always been chastised by doctors for not complaining and seeking medical attention for myself sooner, I think everyone has moments when they not only have the right to complain, but should not be made to feel guilty for it. Perhaps the scar was not as big as yours, but perhaps they were someone who felt pain more than you through no fault of their own, had unseen complications or added factors, or just were not used to being ill or incapacitated...their pain was their pain and they have a right to have it acknowledged more so than dismissed...the fact other people are considered worse off, or possibly dying, does not take one's own pain away. If not, we then begin to quantify who has a right to be treated and who doesn't, who deserves our care and/or empathy, and who rates highest on the 'right to whine' scale, and those are things which not only are not easily measured, but because they are different for each person, cannot be judged by another. Life is for living, but in living that life there is always room to care for others without expecting them to measure up to our expectations..it isn't always easy, granted, as we are mere humans.

Catalina

Oh I completely understand what you're saying Cat, the way I felt at that point tho, she picked the wrong day to have her whinge about it, as I was having a bad day lol. I was like a yo yo just after my op. Good day then bad day then good day then bad day. She picked a bad day to be that way and it got under my skin.

Everyone's different, but things like that often help you put things in perspective. The woman in the bed opposite me wasn't going home, nor the woman in the bed next to her. Made me very thankful for what I'd gone through.

 

[caela]

Blech. I'm probably being melodramatic.

It's just...my mind is still blown, honestly.

From where I'm sitting it doesn't look like melodrama. You aren't whining or carrying on in "woe is me!!!" fashion, you're questioning your life and some of your choices because something you, apparently, didn't want to see smacked you in the face. If that's wrong sorry, without specifics it's a little tough but that's how it sounds.

We ALL have those moments. Something happens in our lives that totally turns everything we thought about who we are and where we were going around. Hell some of us get to have the multiple times! I think God likes to laugh at some of us more than others.

I got to have my most recent one in January. Nothing like Harmony's near-death experience though, mine came in the form of a plus sign on a pregnancy test. Talk about shell shocked! I had to take three of the damn things in less than 24 hours and still didn't really believe it. When I went to the OB/GYN's office I wanted them to administer a blood test to be sure (convinced that the three tests I'd taken at home HAD to be wrong) and the ladies were all really nice but they were clearly laughing at me as they told me I didn't need another test, I just needed to start prenatal appointments.

Being pregnant has flipped my whole world inside out. I went from planning to travel (for work, I was going to sign on with a couple of medical staffing agencies and travel around the country for a few years) starting this summer and only having to worry about me to all of the sudden needing to stay where I am and having to worry about being the sole provider for another human being. ACKKKKKK.

Even with the tests and the prenatal visits a part of me really didn't BELIEVE I was pregnant until I saw my daughter on an ultrasound monitor for the first time. Up until then it was still possible (in the back of my mind) that I had some sort of illness or growth or something that was just tricking my body into acting like it was pregnant. When I saw her on that screen though, I just couldn't deny it anymore and I went right back to being shell shocked again.

I still have days that it hits me all over again that the only thing I had planned on NEVER doing (being a parent, I always just wanted to be an Auntie to my siblings kids) is happening. It's forced some changes on me, of course, and has changed the way I view a lot of my immediate world and I am sure there are more changes and surprises to come.

This is a really long way of saying that when you get slapped with the unexpected you have choices in how you deal with it. You can roll with it, letting it sink in and change your reality a little bit. You can fight it, and probably yourself causing more hardship for you in the long run. Or you can learn from and seek to change it. In the end though you get to decide who you are and if this new piece of information, or circumstance, doesn't fit in with who you want to be you always have the choice to put in the work to be who you want to be in the deepest corners of your own heart.

 

[Netzach]

While I get what you are saying, and as someone who has always been chastised by doctors for not complaining and seeking medical attention for myself sooner, I think everyone has moments when they not only have the right to complain, but should not be made to feel guilty for it. Perhaps the scar was not as big as yours, but perhaps they were someone who felt pain more than you through no fault of their own, had unseen complications or added factors, or just were not used to being ill or incapacitated...their pain was their pain and they have a right to have it acknowledged more so than dismissed...the fact other people are considered worse off, or possibly dying, does not take one's own pain away. If not, we then begin to quantify who has a right to be treated and who doesn't, who deserves our care and/or empathy, and who rates highest on the 'right to whine' scale, and those are things which not only are not easily measured, but because they are different for each person, cannot be judged by another. Life is for living, but in living that life there is always room to care for others without expecting them to measure up to our expectations..it isn't always easy, granted, as we are mere humans.

Catalina

Laprascopic surgery is pretty much always a cakewalk compared to open - however, having waited till my appendix was as inflamed as the rest of me and having been treated like a pain freak for it, I will say that advancing appendicitis is pretty much the only time I've come close to passing out from pain. Ugh.

It all got very hazy, on paper, I had it way good compared to the breast cancer patient next to me one night - Crohn's is not one of those things that people think of as killing anyone, though it does, whereas cancer brings on the specter of death immediately.

She had her surgery, they told her she was completely free and clear since her chemo and she went home seven days ahead of me. She was 45 or so, lovely pleasant person. I remember her finally asking my mother what was wrong with me and actually looking at me a little pitifully, weirded out to find I was on the same classes of drugs she was on - it was interesting.

I felt bad for her, she felt bad for me. It was actually one of those funny little scenes.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Morphine is your friend in those situations.

I pretty much spent my whole hospital stay on it lol

 

[Netzach]

Morphine is your friend in those situations.

I pretty much spent my whole hospital stay on it lol

Good stuff that!

 

[DreamSensualist]

Bunny....

I feel for you. I have been there in my life numerous times to varying degrees. I can't offer any advice though. Sometimes I turn a blind eye to the truth in front of me & it comes back to bite me in the bum. Other times I face it head on & spend the whole time wondering if all this self-analysis is worth it.... I'm sure there is a middle ground somewhere there but when it comes to myself I'm not too good at finding it ... I can be a kind of "all or nothing" person.

Whenever I get into one of these stages in my life someone close to me always tells me "You are strong. You have insights into yourself that most don't & you can get through this". And after being supportive & trying to understand all I can think is "Fuck being strong! I'm sick of being strong, of looking after mysef, of being there for everyone else." I know that there are people close by who will love me no matter what. Who will do their best to look after me when I am going through this. But I ask myself if they can handle it. I trust their intentions but not their ability ..... What if I finally start to rely on them 110% and just as I reach the cathartic level where I am about to have some awe inspiring epithany they can't handle any more? This is nothing against them. It is about my intensity.

So, while I know I haven't helped by offered any valid advice know that you are not alone in going through somthing that rocks you to the core like this. There are some of us that are too complex, too intense & too intelligent to settle for a life without challenges.

 

[Harmony_1985]

Good stuff that!

God yah, post surgery was great. I had a morphine pump hooked up to me and they said "it hurts, click the button and wait a few seconds".

So they gave me the clicker and I started to hurt I pressed the button, 10 seconds later I didn't give a toss about anything, I was too high LOL.

 

[Homburg]

I don't think you actually have been hit in the square in the face with something new; I just think you have always known it about yourself but truly did NOT want to accept it. Now that it was "dropped" in your front of your face you see that it sorta is true and seen by others than just the mirror.

Hell, what do I know? I'm going to bed!

What she said.

----

I think it all comes down to that old "road less traveled" cliche.

Do you go the way that's assured you'll be at least content, if not mind-blowingly happy, no matter what, or do you go the way of passion, the way where you'll be either ecstatic and fulfilled (more or less) for the rest of your days or you'll crash and burn so mightily that you'll go down in history as the World's Greatest Fuck-Up?

Tough stuff to ponder upon.

You know my answer to this. Everyone you see on a daily basis breathes same as you do, eats, shits, sleeps, but very, very few of them truly live. Personally, I'll take one day of really, honestly being completely thankful and ecstatic that I woke up that morning in the life I have than a year of waking up each day dreading that same old grind.

 

[catalina_francisco]

having waited till my appendix was as inflamed as the rest of me and having been treated like a pain freak for it, I will say that advancing appendicitis is pretty much the only time I've come close to passing out from pain. Ugh.

LOL, tell me about it...I was in pain for a couple of weeks or so with my appendicitis and ended up passing out on my doorstep and was found by my best friend's brother who lived in the flat next door...then once in hospital, they had to wait for the swelling to subside a little to avoid further risk as they were on the verge of bursting as my father's actually did....then after it was all removed I haemorrhaged, then the first day home the wound which goes from waistline to just past the bikini line burst open in 3 places and I finished with a scar an inch or so wide the complete length which goes a variety of colours and swells and subsides (and also developed an unexplained hole in it 7 years ago which stayed open for 6 months), itches and aches, even now 33years later...lovely souvenier. Given this is a pretty normal sequence of events when I have surgery or serious medical problems, it is no wonder I do not volunteer to have further surgeries unless totally and utterly unavoidable, and despite it puzzling doctors how I do manage to keep going without anyone being aware there is anything wrong. LOL, must be the genes.

Catalina

 

[twysted73]

So, while I know I haven't helped by offered any valid advice know that you are not alone in going through somthing that rocks you to the core like this. There are some of us that are too complex, too intense & too intelligent to settle for a life without challenges.

Well said.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm being lazy and not quoting everyone because I got so many awesome responses while I was asleep that I wouldn't even know where to begin. So great big thanks to everyone.

Yep, I'm not a "lie-down-and-die" kind of person. (Thanks, Cat.) I'm just still in that shell-shocked stage. Like Caela said, something I didn't want to see smacked me right square in the face, and I'm still just kind of fumbling around for my footing.

I'm doer, not a sitter, so I feel at a loss right now, since I have no idea WHAT to do. I'll get it together soon enough, I'm sure.

I can so relate to what DreamSensualist said about being sick of always having to be the strong one. Yep, that's me in a nutshell. And, Homburg, you're right about living vs. existing. I want to LIVE, and this is basically what it all comes down to.

 

[catalina_francisco]

Yep, I'm not a "lie-down-and-die" kind of person. (Thanks, Cat.) I'm just still in that shell-shocked stage.

You're welcome....and I hope it improves for you soon.

I can so relate to what DreamSensualist said about being sick of always having to be the strong one. Yep, that's me in a nutshell.

I felt this way for a few decades...now I have found it is just the path I have been given in this life ( as have a few others I know) and is far less energy draining to accept it and act accordingly than try and fight or deny it. Still is a bitch at times though.

Catalina

 

[madetotakeit]

My life at 25 was not what I imagined it would be when I was 20, at 30 it was not what I imagined it at 35 and so on. I spent four years obtaining a degree. Currently I have a very expensive piece of paper that isn't even hanging on my wall right now.

I'm in a field that is far removed from what I have a degree in. I landed in it by happenstance. What I discovered is that I not only enjoy what I am doing now but I excel at it. As a result I have had an effect on people and been affected as well. I have had opportunities to see my life change that never would have occurred otherwise. I couldn't imagine not doing what I do at this moment. That may change over time, but life is about changes not constants. I wouldn't be who I am today if I had taken a different course.

Moments like this are ones that only make sense in hindsight. When you are going through them (and there will be more) it is hard to see the reasoning. One day the epiphany comes and you see how every decision you made, every person that crossed your path led you to where you are. Just as everything that has come before, face it in your own way. Before you know it you have come through it and you have come out with a better understanding of yourself. Not all roads lead to happiness but you find each one has some to give.

 

[Netzach]

Happiness isn't a destination anyway, or a spot you find and stay in. It's a project. You have to be vigilant about it, sometimes violent guarding it. It shows up and you enjoy it while it's around, but like beloved visitors you can't tie it to the bed forever.

 

[midwestyankee]

Happiness isn't a destination anyway, or a spot you find and stay in. It's a project. You have to be vigilant about it, sometimes violent guarding it. It shows up and you enjoy it while it's around, but like beloved visitors you can't tie it to the bed forever.

Not even if we occasionally give it bathroom breaks? Damn...and I had it all planned out for the next time happiness dropped by. Had the rope, the cuffs...

 

[EmpressFi]

I think it all comes down to that old "road less traveled" cliche.

Do you go the way that's assured you'll be at least content, if not mind-blowingly happy, no matter what, or do you go the way of passion, the way where you'll be either ecstatic and fulfilled (more or less) for the rest of your days or you'll crash and burn so mightily that you'll go down in history as the World's Greatest Fuck-Up?

Tough stuff to ponder upon.

Let this old lady speak to you a moment. I know you're not necessarily talking about the same "passion", but seeing your words there reminded me of myself when I was your age. I was writing in my journal about my marriage (not to Malin) and how I was still thinking of my first passion-filled relationship in college and I wrote, "who needs passion, it's over-rated." I tried for 5 years to convince myself that settling for the nice guy whom I didnt love would be ok.

But I was dying slowly without passion.

For some, passion is that fire inside us that keeps us warm on the coldest of nights, it's what drives us, to feel... to feel something. It's not something to be given away, to be turned away.

I took the easier road, and ended up going through life, day after day in a seemingly happy but unbearably gray world. But not now, I couldnt go back to that if I had to.

I realize you need to make your own decisions here and I trust you to do the best for you... but please, dont turn your back on passion.

 

[Netzach]

Not even if we occasionally give it bathroom breaks? Damn...and I had it all planned out for the next time happiness dropped by. Had the rope, the cuffs...

Dude, it's known for yearlong pee breaks. But it does come back.

 

[BiBunny]

Happiness isn't a destination anyway, or a spot you find and stay in. It's a project. You have to be vigilant about it, sometimes violent guarding it. It shows up and you enjoy it while it's around, but like beloved visitors you can't tie it to the bed forever.

Yes.

Let this old lady speak to you a moment. I know you're not necessarily talking about the same "passion", but seeing your words there reminded me of myself when I was your age. I was writing in my journal about my marriage (not to Malin) and how I was still thinking of my first passion-filled relationship in college and I wrote, "who needs passion, it's over-rated." I tried for 5 years to convince myself that settling for the nice guy whom I didnt love would be ok.

But I was dying slowly without passion.

For some, passion is that fire inside us that keeps us warm on the coldest of nights, it's what drives us, to feel... to feel something. It's not something to be given away, to be turned away.

I took the easier road, and ended up going through life, day after day in a seemingly happy but unbearably gray world. But not now, I couldnt go back to that if I had to.

I realize you need to make your own decisions here and I trust you to do the best for you... but please, dont turn your back on passion.

And yes.


For the longest time, I believed that what I wanted and what I needed were two fairly similar things, but now I see that they aren't. Want and Need, at this point in my life, are so far removed from one another that it's not even funny.

I've gone so far on the road of Want, but I see that while I'm mostly content, I'm still not happy. Like you said, Fi, I'm existing, I'm getting by, but everything is kind of this blah shade of gray, and I'm sick of it. It's going to take Need to make me be able to live.

Yes, this sounds all woo-woo and stuff, but it really isn't, I promise. It's just something I should've seen a long, long time ago. I suppose I can be a starving artiste for the rest of my life.

 

[FurryFury]

Bi Bunny,

I don't know if this will resonate with you but I have to say it, happiness isn't a destination. A lot of people say, "someday when I have X I'll be happy." The problem is if they get X, they look for another X and live their lives on Someday Isle never quite reaching happiness.

Every single day, no matter how shitty, surprising and chaotic it may be there are good things there. That's where the happiness is, at least for me. I try to focus on that. I try to find my joy in those things. I try to remember to really focus to be present and aware of them.

I was pretty miserable in my early to mid twenties. I think a LOT of people are!

I'm not living any life I ever planed or envisioned for myself. I could think and think about all the things I wanted to do or that people told me I should do and be sad. Even worse I could sit and think about the things I DIDN'T even realize I wanted at the time but now am aware of.

The funny thing is, my life is GREAT! I mostly LOVE my life. I didn't plan to be here with the people I have around me. I only opened myself up to it. Now I realize I'm happier with this life than I EVER would have been with anything I had previously imagined.

I've chosen to create as much serenity and joy as I can. It should be noted however, that I only did that after my plans were derailed. Each decade honestly gets better. Each year is full of wonderful things. Each day is a lovely gift. Soon, I hope you find that for yourself.

*HUG*

 

[Netzach]

Yes.



And yes.


For the longest time, I believed that what I wanted and what I needed were two fairly similar things, but now I see that they aren't. Want and Need, at this point in my life, are so far removed from one another that it's not even funny.

I've gone so far on the road of Want, but I see that while I'm mostly content, I'm still not happy. Like you said, Fi, I'm existing, I'm getting by, but everything is kind of this blah shade of gray, and I'm sick of it. It's going to take Need to make me be able to live.

Yes, this sounds all woo-woo and stuff, but it really isn't, I promise. It's just something I should've seen a long, long time ago. I suppose I can be a starving artiste for the rest of my life.

I'm not starving.

I'm not buying anyone out any time soon, but I'm not starving and I make stuff and people sometimes buy it.

It doesn't have to be starvation.

You DO have to be flexible though. If I insisted on conceptual sculpture and not jewelry, I'd have less cash.

 

[BiBunny]

I'm not starving.

I'm not buying anyone out any time soon, but I'm not starving and I make stuff and people sometimes buy it.

It doesn't have to be starvation.

You DO have to be flexible though. If I insisted on conceptual sculpture and not jewelry, I'd have less cash.

So, romance novels, then?

I'm cool with that.

P.S. Love the av!

 

[Netzach]

So, romance novels, then?

I'm cool with that.

P.S. Love the av!

Thanks!

Or screenplays, ad copy, freelance articles, whatever.

Oh, and I keep phone sex in my back pocket, as you know. It's like waitressing without leaving home.

 

[Evil_Geoff]

... I'm doer, not a sitter, so I feel at a loss right now, since I have no idea WHAT to do. I'll get it together soon enough, I'm sure.
...

While you are trying to figure out what you want to do... I have a house/yard slave position open...

Just until you decide whether you want to be a brain surgeon, or a fry cook...


(Kudos to anyone who knows where the reference to the career choices came from...)

 

[BiBunny]

While you are trying to figure out what you want to do... I have a house/yard slave position open...

Just until you decide whether you want to be a brain surgeon, or a fry cook...


(Kudos to anyone who knows where the reference to the career choices came from...)

TRUST me...I'm the LAST person you'd ever want taking care of your house and/or yard. Don't take my word for it, either. Ask Kitty, LOL.

 

[midwestyankee]

While you are trying to figure out what you want to do... I have a house/yard slave position open...

Just until you decide whether you want to be a brain surgeon, or a fry cook...


(Kudos to anyone who knows where the reference to the career choices came from...)

My friend G suggests that you might be referring to Jethro Bodine, of the Beverly Hills Bodines. He of the pitching arm that impressed Don Drysdale but whose brain often stopped working once food was in the vicinity. Yes...no?