Why is it automatically assumed...
- Thread starter p_p_man
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Problem Child
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I'm not.
p_p_man
The 'Euro' European
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I know three men...
...who, for various reasons, are raising or have raised their children by themselves.
They have all remarked on the prejudice they received from the courts when applying for single parent status and the misplaced sympathy they get from women who seem to think they can't cope.
Two of them have their own parents who used to help out when the children (and still do on occasion) were younger and the third has two teenagers (one girl and one boy) who no longer need babysitters and the like.
I should mention that the children of two of the men have never known the situation to be any different. They were raised by their fathers from very early ages and have never known a mother.
I raised the thread because of the inbuilt prejudice that seems to be against them, and I assume any man who wants to raise their own kids.
They don't know each other but tell me exactly the same comments they receive.
"A father wouldn't know what to do when his daughter reaches puberty" is just one of the classics.
As an observer looking in I think all three have done a brilliant job.
...who, for various reasons, are raising or have raised their children by themselves.
They have all remarked on the prejudice they received from the courts when applying for single parent status and the misplaced sympathy they get from women who seem to think they can't cope.
Two of them have their own parents who used to help out when the children (and still do on occasion) were younger and the third has two teenagers (one girl and one boy) who no longer need babysitters and the like.
I should mention that the children of two of the men have never known the situation to be any different. They were raised by their fathers from very early ages and have never known a mother.
I raised the thread because of the inbuilt prejudice that seems to be against them, and I assume any man who wants to raise their own kids.
They don't know each other but tell me exactly the same comments they receive.
"A father wouldn't know what to do when his daughter reaches puberty" is just one of the classics.
As an observer looking in I think all three have done a brilliant job.
Problem Child
titleless
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EBW
I guess I know what a Devo snob is now...Be-aatch.
I guess I know what a Devo snob is now...Be-aatch.
Laurel
Kitty Mama
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Silly wabbit! I was agreeing with you.
Here's a long story...
My mom's a schizophrenic. My dad was 19 when I was born. They were hippies - and being a hippie at the time involved a lot of drinking, smoking, and ingesting a variety of chemicals. None of these activities is healthy for someone with schizophrenia. So she slowly got worse and worse, and being the irresponsible addict he is, my dad ditched her instead of helping her. Took my sister & I. Didn't pay my mom one red cent in spousal support.
I used to see her every now and then, but as she's aged her mind's deteriorated. She used to be sane 90% of the time and wacky 10% - now it's the reverse. A lot of that's due to the fact that she won't stay in rehab, keeps doing drugs and drinking and all the things that sets her schizo stuff off.
I haven't thought about my mom for a long time until earlier this week. See, my sister has some emotional problems due to abuse from my father when she was younger. She used to come visit and tell me about how she thought this person was talking about her behind her back. I always took that to be run-of-the-mill insecure paranoia and didn't think much of it. But over the last few months, her stories grew weirder. A month ago, she was convinced that after sex, her current boyfriend was running around outside her house yelling about what a slut she was and telling everyone that he gave her herpes.
And then this week...she came over to my house absolutely furious. I couldn't figure out what her problem was. I asked her what was up. She looked at me with this evil hatred - like nothing I've ever seen, from anyone - and said, "What's with Dan?"
"Who's Dan? What are you talking about?" I asked, befuddled.
"You know. You were whispering Dan."
"WHAT?! What the fuck are you talking about? WHO'S DAN?"
"You fucking cunt," she growled at me. (You have to realize - my sister rarely cusses, and I think this is the first time I've ever heard her use that word.) Then she pushed me and I almost fell. I was in absolute shock. When I looked at her, I realized she was totally, completely gone - just like mom. She started calling me names - filthy names. So I did what any responsible older sibling would do: I pushed her back, and started yelling, "You fucking psycho! You need professional help!"
She headed out the door and I followed her, screaming the whole way. Yep, that's me - bullying the mentally ill. I totally mishandled the situation, but I was just so angry and hurt and scared.
You see, my sister was always the pretty one, the loved one. I always believed that she would be the one to succeed, even though I was smarter, because she seemed to have every advantage. Now she's in her mid 20's, without a job, living with her grandparents, and afflicted with the same mental disease as my mom. As a young insecure girl, I always wished that my sister would grow old and ugly and unloved. But now I'm an adult with a lot going for me. I have a man who loves me, a thriving career, lots of fun hobbies, good friends, a lovely kitty...it hurts me to see her like this, to know that she's damaged in a way that will NEVER be fixed. It can be controlled with medication and therapy, but there's no cure for schizophrenia.
So it's been a rough week for me. It reminds me of why I don't communicate with my family. And now I have to decide how to handle my sister. There's a reason I don't communicate with my mom, and that's because it's too hard to put 1000% of my effort into helping her get better, only for her to go out and drink or pop pills & slip back into her un-reality. My sister has the same issues. She's an alcoholic and a drug abuser, and I'm not sure I want to go through all that with her. At the same time, my heart aches for her and what she's going through. Argh.
So anyway...having dealt with my sister and my mom - and still believing that what my father did to my mother (and others) was cruel - I think I'd rather have been raised by an alcoholic father than by an alcoholic father and a schizo mother. So there you go...bringing it back around to the topic.
As much as I don't want to bash Single Parenting it seems like everyone I met who was raised without contact with one of their parents has some serious Issues with adults of the gender that they didn't have a parent representing. I'm one of them. I've never gotten on well with Older men(which didn't help my Hockey playing or University education) and I think that my two whole sisters(How do you refer to your sisters who aren't your Half-Sisters? I'll go with Whole) have issues with Father Figures also, albeit different ones than the ones I have. It's rough but then again, what isn't?
p_p_man
The 'Euro' European
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Some story Laurel...
How to cope with your sister?
It may seem harsh but I'm speaking with a little experience of trying to help a member of my own family. If the help you can offer is doing no good at all whatever you do try not to feel guilt. That's the worse kind of luggage you can carry around. I know my own guilty feelings once made me feel very miserable and even put my career on hold for a while as I tried to over compensate. It still did no good. Help how you can but keep focussed on yourself and your own life (which sounds pretty good to me!)
How to cope with your sister?
It may seem harsh but I'm speaking with a little experience of trying to help a member of my own family. If the help you can offer is doing no good at all whatever you do try not to feel guilt. That's the worse kind of luggage you can carry around. I know my own guilty feelings once made me feel very miserable and even put my career on hold for a while as I tried to over compensate. It still did no good. Help how you can but keep focussed on yourself and your own life (which sounds pretty good to me!)
Laurel
Kitty Mama
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Re: Some story Laurel...
That's good advice. Hard to follow sometimes. She's always been flighty - has trouble holding a job, spends a lot of time in bars & clubs, gets in bad relationships - but till this recent episode I always put it down to her immaturity. I always had hope for her. I've given her money, I've tried to teach her design, I've tried to find her therapists and jobs...it's like throwing my money & time & heart down a well.
You're right - guilt is a useless emotion. And I need to take care of my life - I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness in some attempt to make sure SHE'S happy. She has to make the decision to take control of her illness. And if she chooses not to do that, then I don't want to deal with her. At the same time...it's hard to not want to help, even if you can't.
I dunno. Sorry for dumping on y'all. My life's normally so placid that stuff like this really throws me for a loop.
p_p_man said:
That's good advice. Hard to follow sometimes. She's always been flighty - has trouble holding a job, spends a lot of time in bars & clubs, gets in bad relationships - but till this recent episode I always put it down to her immaturity. I always had hope for her. I've given her money, I've tried to teach her design, I've tried to find her therapists and jobs...it's like throwing my money & time & heart down a well.
You're right - guilt is a useless emotion. And I need to take care of my life - I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness in some attempt to make sure SHE'S happy. She has to make the decision to take control of her illness. And if she chooses not to do that, then I don't want to deal with her. At the same time...it's hard to not want to help, even if you can't.
I dunno. Sorry for dumping on y'all. My life's normally so placid that stuff like this really throws me for a loop.
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