Why is it always the ex?

[DrHappy]

There are so many posts here with a message that goes something like "There was this WONDERFUL freaky thing that my ex used to do. It was amazing!" Half the time there is a complaint that their current significant other won't do it.

When someone comments about some amazing sexual activity, why does it seem like it's usually with an ex and not the current partner? Is there something about highly sexual (sometimes freaky) people that don't make for good long-term relationships? I would think that a high appreciation of a sexual behavior would be a bonding trait.

Or Is it just sampling bias? Maybe the typical person has had multiple partners, and there are more past partners than current partners.

Has anyone else noticed this? Maybe my perception is incorrect.

 

[Escierto]

I have noticed it myself actually. Maybe it was the exes who dumped these losers!

 

[BornNorCal]

Stereotypically speaking, people tend to be more sexually experimental when they are younger and establish a menu of fond memories that they can recall after settling down or mellowing out. "Settle" being the important part. But there may be some truth behind the idea that stable, long term relationships aren't usually paired with wild, adventurous sex. I don't think it HAS to be that way.... but it is for many people. Thoughts?

 

[BillTheKatt90]

For me, the things that made one particular ex amazing in bed appeared to be directly linked to a personality trait that turned out to be highly toxic. I had to jettison the freaky sex to get rid of the cancerous behavior.

 

[BornNorCal]

For me, the things that made one particular ex amazing in bed appeared to be directly linked to a personality trait that turned out to be highly toxic. I had to jettison the freaky sex to get rid of the cancerous behavior.

Not to say that all freaky sex equates to toxic personality traits, but it would be interesting to see of others have similar reflections. Would it have been impossible to work on the health of the relationship and still have the freaky sex you desired?

 

[BillTheKatt90]

That’s a good question that will forever remain a mystery. We dated a few months in college and we were relatively early and young to be making joint plans for the summer: Our mutual school was in the middle of the country, she was from the east coast, and I was from the west coast. We mutually broke up and retreated to our jobs and families on opposite coasts for the summer. I started dating other girls and realized I had put up with a lot of the crazy to get access to the freaky. When I returned to college we sort of mutually didn’t pursue each other and never dated again.

 

[YourSecretDesires]

Is there something about highly sexual (sometimes freaky) people that don't make for good long-term relationships?

Or Is it just sampling bias? Maybe the typical person has had multiple partners, and there are more past partners than current partners.

For me it's a combination of these two. A lot of random and not so random past partners, including a few who were toxic or just long term incompatible.

 

[ConfusinglyDelerious]

Maybe the typical person has had multiple partners, and there are more past partners than current partners.

The absolute majority of people have 1 ongoing sexual partner at the time. There are exceptions. It is fine. It is not the norm for the vast majority of people though.

Even with a relatively low number of past partners, say 4, that still means you've got a statistical bias that leans 80/20 towards "my ex" versus "my partner".

Also take into account that first experiences tend to stand out more as a memory, than when something happens again, and you kind of have a good idea why it would easily be that way when recounting something.

 

[lifeis2short2b]

Crazy women are....Crazy. I've had sex with a woman who was nuts. I could of done anything sexually with her and she was insatiable in bed. For me in bed she was a freak but I wasn't comfortable say taking her to a party.
She was nice for the experience, but that was it. As crazy as she was she understood this.
I think the guys on this site "complain" for a different reason.

 

[OddLove]

I see that a crap ton. There's different reasons say "My ex used too", for example.

Maybe the person did have an freaky or kinky ex, but they broke up.

Maybe the person wishes they had a freak or kinky ex, so they're making it up.

Maybe the person is in a relationship, but they want to present themselves as single online.

So I'd guess only about 1/3 of people claiming to have a freaky or kinky ex is actually telling the truth.

 

[Lucy_Lastic]

I'm single so it's always going to be the ex. But probably different exes depending on what the subject is.

 

[Michael_Keaton]

For me, the things that made one particular ex amazing in bed appeared to be directly linked to a personality trait that turned out to be highly toxic. I had to jettison the freaky sex to get rid of the cancerous behavior.

Same here. We were both approaching 60 and in relationships we didn't want to be in, for reasons both sexual and "otherwise". As I posted someplace here before, I then found myself in a relationship with two persons occupying one body, one of them I couldn't live with and the other I couldn't live without.

Although the relationship ended, as Delbert McClinton said,
"The pleasure was worth the pain of everything she put me through
and I consider myself one of the fortunate few".

 

[womaneater58]

We married very young and though life got in the way and we grew distant, we had a great sex life together. I haven't found any woman yet that has made me feel so wanted and horny, so my fondest memories to this day are those with the ex. Neither of us have remarried in over 10 years as we can't seem to get past "us" but, we can't really live together either.

 

[Swuq]

My wife continues to see her ex bf. I am certain she does for several reasons although, she denies it.

Every couple weeks she says she is running errands. Instead she travels two hours to his place. Fucks for an hour before coming home. As soon as she gets home she strips, washes her clothes and showers.

The one benefit is her cock sucking skills and willingness has greatly improved.

 

[drobert44]

We married very young and though life got in the way and we grew distant, we had a great sex life together. I haven't found any woman yet that has made me feel so wanted and horny, so my fondest memories to this day are those with the ex. Neither of us have remarried in over 10 years as we can't seem to get past "us" but, we can't really live together either.

I date mine, sleepover, but just cuddle. She keeps me from dating.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Well, far more people complain about things that they dislike than things that are going well. How many great things does your current partner do for you, and how many of those great things do you rave about to other people?

 

[Foolhen]

Could it just be because we have a lot more ex's than current partners (usually 1), so we're likely to remember that wild thing that so-and-so did? If we're lucky (and chose wisely), hopefully our current partner also does some exciting sex stuff...but of course they can't be expected to do everything that the dozens who came before may have done.

 

[Yarglenurp]

Could it just be because we have a lot more ex's than current partners (usually 1), so we're likely to remember that wild thing that so-and-so did? If we're lucky (and chose wisely), hopefully our current partner also does some exciting sex stuff...but of course they can't be expected to do everything that the dozens who came before may have done.

Explanations like this are too logical and boring. Conspiracy theories are more fun.

The exes all have club, where they plan out ways to make the current partners jealous and break up. Then, when the breakup happens, they add a new member to their club. It’s organic growth.

 

[AlwaysInTrouble]

The crazy-hot scale, it's as immutable as gravity.
https://www.bosshunting.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/hot-crazy-scale-real-science/

 

[Wonderer67]

The crazy-hot scale, it's as immutable as gravity.
https://www.bosshunting.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/hot-crazy-scale-real-science/

I’m still reading this, but this made me laugh out fucking loud. (It’s not rocket science)?

MEN:

• Attractiveness was the number one priority for men.
• Men were willing to go for high BDP women in both short and long term romantic relationships.
• Men showed zero consideration for anticipating the future repercussions of their decisions.

 

[Goldenfinger]

In memories maybe the grass is greener. My wife is the best if I said I had a fantasy of her walking into the bedroom wearing a clown suit, strapon, high heels and a tiara. She’d do her best to make it happen. But if we were talking about nipple play, my wife’s nipples are sensitive and she only likes licks and lighter touches. But I had a ex that liked her nipples played with rough. You could hang her from the ceiling with nipple clamps and it’s all good. So it could be context.

 

[Wonderer67]

There are so many posts here with a message that goes something like "There was this WONDERFUL freaky thing that my ex used to do. It was amazing!" Half the time there is a complaint that their current significant other won't do it.

When someone comments about some amazing sexual activity, why does it seem like it's usually with an ex and not the current partner? Is there something about highly sexual (sometimes freaky) people that don't make for good long-term relationships? I would think that a high appreciation of a sexual behavior would be a bonding trait.

Or Is it just sampling bias? Maybe the typical person has had multiple partners, and there are more past partners than current partners.

Has anyone else noticed this? Maybe my perception is incorrect.

In my case it was purely time and hindsight. My ex-wife and I had a great sex life… for a while. But life and life decisions made our marriage get really bad on a number of fronts. It got really bad and by the time it ended, she was fucking someone else and I was on a different flight path. We did make a few wonderful children together tho.

I don’t miss her or our old dynamic, but I DO miss things that my current wife does NOT care for sexually. But that’s it. (Man, she loved anal and was into exploring with other women. something my current wife has zero desire.)

But I would not go back to her or want my old life back for all the tea in China. So I might think back to very specific times and very specific sex acts that were amazing. But not the whole of our relationship. 1 or 2 percent amazing does not outweigh the rest of the time that was not good, or bad or downright dysfunctional.

Hindsight and nostalgia always make the past look better in the rear view mirror. I wouldn’t want the dysfunction that went my first wife and I. (It went both ways and I wasn’t a good partner for her either.)

My current wife and I are very sexually compatible. We both have very high sex drives and both really orgasmic. we are mostly life compatible and philosophically compatible. We get along well and we’ve learned how to disagree with one another and deal with differences effectively. She hates anal sex, and is not open to my desire to open our marriage or explore bisexuality.

But what we do have sexually way outweighs those things.

 

[SPARTAN047]

The ex could be toxic but had a good dick or tight grip pussy. And huge tits or pecs.

Sometimes they're just bored by the sex they're getting now. Everyone gets used to how their current partner does it and start craving variety.

 

[LookN2Talk]

There are so many posts here with a message that goes something like "There was this WONDERFUL freaky thing that my ex used to do. It was amazing!" Half the time there is a complaint that their current significant other won't do it.

When someone comments about some amazing sexual activity, why does it seem like it's usually with an ex and not the current partner? Is there something about highly sexual (sometimes freaky) people that don't make for good long-term relationships? I would think that a high appreciation of a sexual behavior would be a bonding trait.

Or Is it just sampling bias? Maybe the typical person has had multiple partners, and there are more past partners than current partners.

Has anyone else noticed this? Maybe my perception is incorrect.

Yes I have noticed this.

Well, far more people complain about things that they dislike than things that are going well. How many great things does your current partner do for you, and how many of those great things do you rave about to other people?

I rave about my wife constantly and all the great things she does. I love to let people know how incredible she is and do often, but only here sexually.

Could it just be because we have a lot more ex's than current partners (usually 1), so we're likely to remember that wild thing that so-and-so did? If we're lucky (and chose wisely), hopefully our current partner also does some exciting sex stuff...but of course they can't be expected to do everything that the dozens who came before may have done.

Makes soooooooo much sense!

 

[SPARTAN047]

I was thinking that it's very likely the exes have some toxic traits which make them bad for LTRs but great to fuck. Both male and female.

The people we settle down with might be more vanilla and have more positive traits which make them loving partners and marriage material, but they're less freaky.

It's almost impossible to get someone who's a freaky introvert and won't cheat on you but will do all the nasty things you want including hanging you upside down, choking you or begging you to fuck their arse every weekend naked on their knees. People who do that will do it for so many others in general.