Why I left Fetlife

[MeekMe]

I'm noticing a trend here. I used Fetlife for something other than its intended purpose, what a piece of shit!!!1!

Somehow, I've used the site for its intended purpose and have pretty much gotten all that I need from it. I've found real profiles, people I like seeing post, interesting discussion topics, events and more. Because it's not a dating site I can't be searched out for being a woman under 30 and harassed by mouth breathers. I get exactly what I go there for.

 

[MDOMIntrepid]

@MeekMe

I agree it can work. I'm not knocking it completely. But it has grown worse, not better. I can't speak for others, but I've used it in the various ways proper ways and you still suffer the dregs too often.

I totally disagree when you say it's not a dating site. That's naive. One foot through the door makes it extremely clear it's a meat market. Which is alright. Nothing wrong with that. It certainly did not start off that way; yet, has devolved into that. And maybe that is where the problem lies? It has transformed under a momentum of it's own and the people moderating it don't know how to manage the changes. The rules have loosened significantly...for the worse IMO.

 

[MDOMIntrepid]

Hi and welcome,

From my husband and I

Hello and thanks. Also, I edited my post to make clear I was not talking about sincere couples. Just the quote unquote kind. lol

 

[MeekMe]

@MeekMe

I agree it can work. I'm not knocking it completely. But it has grown worse, not better. I can't speak for others, but I've used it in the various ways proper ways and you still suffer the dregs too often.

I totally disagree when you say it's not a dating site. That's naive. One foot through the door makes it extremely clear it's a meat market. Which is alright. Nothing wrong with that. It certainly did not start off that way; yet, has devolved into that. And maybe that is where the problem lies? It has transformed under a momentum of it's own and the people moderating it don't know how to manage the changes. The rules have loosened significantly...for the worse IMO.

It's not a dating site. The owner of the site has specifically made sure that you can not search for people by age and sex. With that said, the site runs on user created content (social networking). So users wanting to find dates created groups specifically for personal ads. It's a dating site the same way that a library is a "meet market." Just because you can meet someone and find a date at the library doesn't mean the library is the place to go to find dates.

 

[MDOMIntrepid]

I fully understand that and get what you are saying. I agree. It is not "technically" a dating site. It has become one regardless. I didn't say that's all it is or offers. I'm saying, people go there and use it as a dating site. The place is loaded with personals ads. No one intended for turnpike rest stops to become locations for gay and bisexual hookups but...

 

[MeekMe]

The main functioning of a rest stop is still just that. Any other uses are far less efficient then going to the many alternatives actually made for the purpose of finding hookups and relationships. If you use a site not intended for dating to find dates, don't complain when it doesn't have all the features of a dating site. Go to the actual dating sites where you can look more efficiently for partners with age/sex/orientation/location/interests.

Literotoca gets the same complaint. Certainly there's a personals forum here, but it's incredibly inefficient to search for people through it. So many men looking in one spot, the ads get buried quickly and most go unanswered. :shrugs: More fodder for my amusement I suppose.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

I thought it WAS a dating site. Honestly. I haven't used the site...only was logged on for a couple hours. Right from the beginning it gave you some profiles to look at to get you started and instructions that you can look up members by location, which I entered and cruised profiles in my area. All the profiles seemed like 'dating' profiles..."I'm interested in..." "I'm looking for..." description of likes and dislikes, provocative pics, and instructions to contact them. I don't know, maybe I somehow got on the wrong section. But all the times I heard FetLife mentioned it was in the context of "if you want to meet people and find meetings/events going on in your area..." I didn't get any farther on the site than local profiles and events before I closed out my account. I didn't even know they had other things like stories or discussion boards until reading this thread. (Which mostly talks about the same things I noticed about the site) So, maybe that's the problem...it's marketed by others as a 'dating or meet up' site so it kinda gets used that way.

 

[MDOMIntrepid]

I hear ya Meek. And I agree. Still the complaints here about the behavior there apply to the site in all aspects. We'll have to agree to disagree about "dating site". In my opinion, it has absolutely become partially that. Time for the people behind FL to accept it and admit it. I mean you can't possibly say it's not a dating site IF you have thread after thread under topic after topic under category after category of people posting nothing but "So and so seeking..." If the people at FL allow those posts (which is totally fine) it's is partially a dating site at the most basic level.

You try to use it for it's intended purpose and you still get the abuses. Yes, it happens here too. Any site really. Can anyone say REDDIT? People are people...whatcha gonna do right? lol

 

[MeekMe]

I thought it WAS a dating site. Honestly. I haven't used the site...only was logged on for a couple hours. Right from the beginning it gave you some profiles to look at to get you started and instructions that you can look up members by location, which I entered and cruised profiles in my area. All the profiles seemed like 'dating' profiles..."I'm interested in..." "I'm looking for..." description of likes and dislikes, provocative pics, and instructions to contact them. I don't know, maybe I somehow got on the wrong section. But all the times I heard FetLife mentioned it was in the context of "if you want to meet people and find meetings/events going on in your area..." I didn't get any farther on the site than local profiles and events before I closed out my account. I didn't even know they had other things like stories or discussion boards until reading this thread. (Which mostly talks about the same things I noticed about the site) So, maybe that's the problem...it's marketed by others as a 'dating or meet up' site so it kinda gets used that way.

Meet people, yes. Events, yes. Meetings and events doesn't have to mean "date." Munches are (usually vanilla) meetings in public places like pubs, bars, restaurants and coffee shops. People usually go to meet up with friends with BDSM interests but typically do not discuss strictly BDSM. You can find conventions, play parties, expos and more. In some cases, it's the only way to get info for local clubs. The only reason I signed up with fl was to view info on a local venue that directed people to fet to get times/dates/more.

The discussion boards are vast and cover many topics. Hell, I have my own home and garden group with topics on cooking, gardening and decorating. And yeah, users DO market it to their friends as a way to meet potential partners. And that IS a possibility, but it isn't the main purpose of the site and many that only try to use it for that are disappointed when it isn't easy to navigate.

Like using the site to post stories. Sure, you can post your stories to fet, but there isn't a way to categorize or search for them so unless you have your own built in audience, it's just not going to go very well.

 

[Iamsubmissive]

The discussion boards are vast and cover many topics. Hell, I have my own home and garden group with topics on cooking, gardening and decorating. And yeah, users DO market it to their friends as a way to meet potential partners. And that IS a possibility, but it isn't the main purpose of the site and many that only try to use it for that are disappointed when it isn't easy to navigate.

Your description of it makes it sound like a potentially enjoyable place. I originally checked it out just out of curiosity because people kept mentioning it. And, like I said, the site kinda directs you toward member profiles..."let's get you started by finding members in your area". I'm not really interested in hooking up or going to local events so I just left before looking deeper into the site I guess.

 

[Farawyn]

I didn't have a great fet experience, but I didn't have a bad fet experience either. I live in the ass end of nowhere, so munches were few and far between, and, unfortunately, the one regular munch was run by a huge douche bag.

I've suspended my account for the time being, but I may go back eventually. Most social media sites are what we make them, and I really wasn't devoting a lot of time or effort.

I suspended mine too.
Not my thing.

 

[DemiAngora]

Since I had a profile on Okcupid/Tinder at one point, I can say Fetlife is very much a dating site as well. It didn't used to be. But yes, You get the same amount of messages, if not more, from men who are willing to get on the plane and meet you. In my opinion Fet is ten times better than other dating sites, because you get to see the person nude. Heck you even get to know all their fetishes in advance, so you can prepare accordingly to meet his/ her expectations. So it is a dating site, for people who have high standards and want to meet for sex.

Friendships on Fet are rare. All the "friends" I met and I thought were real, all left eventually after they lost their hope to have sex with me. There you have it. From 1,000 plus men, I only keep in touch with 2 men, who write to me less and less now that I left:-(

That is why I left Fetlife, because I don't date people from online.

This was my opinion of the site.

 

[MDOMIntrepid]

You get the same amount of messages, if not more, from men who are willing to get on the plane and meet you.

Friendships on Fet are rare. All the "friends" I met and I thought were real, all left eventually after they lost their hope to have sex with me. There you have it. From 1,000 plus men, I only keep in touch with 2 men, who write to me less and less now that I left:-(

I can't lie...just once I'd like a woman to want to get on a plane to come meet me! lol Just once...'nuff said.

The same goes for the female friends. They gradually disappear. I think they do because they have hundreds of men lavishing them with attention. One male Dom like me gets drowned out by the chaos. The best part is later on when they are bored or not getting attention and suddenly "POOF" they magically remember you . You get a message out of nowhere "Oh hey I missed you. We should catch up." My reply is always "I'm sorry I don't remember you. Remind me again?" lol

I hate chatting through sites anyway, whether FL or here or any other. I prefer email. Simple and contained in one location. I think FetLife is great for various reasons and the best one is people that have time to sit around all day debating the inanities of BDSM. I have a real life to live...so....that part of it isn't for me. lol

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[MDOMIntrepid]

The best friendships survive breaks.

Quite true. I was referring to the run of the mill stuff though. Too many people with eyes bigger than their stomachs. Gobbling up every IM, PM and bit of attention they get, without regard to quality or substance. We've all been there.

I've found a tremendous increase in a lot of fake pics on the profiles. I mean using porn stars and pretending that's you? Really? Come on, put some effort into it. lol I probably reported over 50 last month. Strange enough, these profiles had been online for months. Hilarious to read the picture comments and see all the fools drooling over pics that were easily found by Googling. Use the big head occasionally guys...the big head. lol

 

[DemiAngora]

I've found a tremendous increase in a lot of fake pics on the profiles. I mean using porn stars and pretending that's you? Really? Come on, put some effort into it. lol I probably reported over 50 last month. Strange enough, these profiles had been online for months. Hilarious to read the picture comments and see all the fools drooling over pics that were easily found by Googling. Use the big head occasionally guys...the big head. lol

My least favorite part about Fl was when I unfriended someone because he was fake, then he immediately went to report my photos as being fake. Then I had to prove they were all mine, which was rather easy thanks to my distinct freckles,but I noticed recently this had stopped. My guess is that the moderators got sick of verifying photos and the result of course is more fake profiles.

It also could be that I set up all my photos in private mode where no strangers could see...

 

[MDOMIntrepid]

My least favorite part about Fl was when I unfriended someone because he was fake, then he immediately went to report my photos as being fake. Then I had to prove they were all mine

WOW! What a dick move!

I think my biggest peeve (which can be found elsewhere) is the hypocrisy. Over and over again I found scores of judgmental conversations. People arguing over what was "true" BDSM and wasn't.

Someone would post a video. Others would mock it because the spanking technique was not how a "real" Dom/Domme would do it. I've been BDSM-ing and Dom-ing for 25 years. What is right for me and/or my submissive may/may not work for you. Regardless, that does not make it real or fake BDSM. You might think whipping until there are red welts is "real" BDSM but if my submissive doesn't enjoy that level of pain...why would I do that to her? The amazing lack of common sense among the majority rabble that occupy the forums keeps me at a distance.

 

[Primalex]

I can't lie...just once I'd like a woman to want to get on a plane to come meet me! lol Just once...'nuff said.

Okay, that one was funny.

 

[Primalex]

Side question:

If a real girl creates a FetLife account, uploads real pictures, gives the account credentials to her PYL, then doesn't actually ever use FetLife again and the only one who reads messages is the PYL - is this a fake profile?

 

[Iamsubmissive]

Side question:

If a real girl creates a FetLife account, uploads real pictures, gives the account credentials to her PYL, then doesn't actually ever use FetLife again and the only one who reads messages is the PYL - is this a fake profile?

I would say yes since it isn't being used by the represented user. If people knew it was a kind of joint account then no.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[Primalex]

So inversely is my profile here fake?

Your reading comprehension software needs an update.

 

[DemiAngora]

I hate to admit this, but the most interesting profiles on Fetlife were fake. The real profiles of the really hot guys bored me to death. And the chats always went like this:" I like your body...do you like mine? What is your exercise routine? Do you eat quality protein?"

Hmmm, I do eat good protein...that's why I joined Fetlife.

At least the fake guys have a game until you decide to meet them))

 

[Iamsubmissive]

So inversely is my profile here fake? It was initially under G's name only though we made it clear it was a couples account but I have always used it most and now he mainly just looks in at my pms.

No, your profile isn't fake...everyone knows and understands how and by whom it is being used.

 

[Farawyn]

Side question:

If a real girl creates a FetLife account, uploads real pictures, gives the account credentials to her PYL, then doesn't actually ever use FetLife again and the only one who reads messages is the PYL - is this a fake profile?

I would say yes since it isn't being used by the represented user. If people knew it was a kind of joint account then no.

Nope. It's not.