Why I don't like your story

[LadyVer]

Wow, what? SHow me the ethical issue in using any publically available text as a learning exercise and discussion topic.

You might have had a case if I'd named the story and author and proceeded to humiliate them over a lack of basic writing skill; though even that would be fair game in marketplace of ideas we call writing (though it's poor form in my opinion.) But I deliberately chose a highly rated story I didn't name (though someone else proved it was possible to track it down in Google), and I deliberately avoided claiming it was poor writing.

I'm still trying to see a single ethical or moral issue with "Here's some text I found in a public place and how I'd have done it differently; how would you have done it differently?" Seriously, I'm stunned. Are you arguing people have some sort of right to have their publically shared work held above anything that might possibly smack of criticism or even discussion? How would such a right even work?

The culture of entitlement is out of control.

Chuckling mischievously and cooing will not birth a culture of entitlement. You've gotten good feedback to your post by authors who usually find it difficult to agree on much. To me, integrity comes to mind, not entitlement.

 

[Areala-chan]

Wow, what? SHow me the ethical issue in using any publically available text as a learning exercise and discussion topic.

You might have had a case if I'd named the story and author and proceeded to humiliate them over a lack of basic writing skill; though even that would be fair game in marketplace of ideas we call writing (though it's poor form in my opinion.) But I deliberately chose a highly rated story I didn't name (though someone else proved it was possible to track it down in Google), and I deliberately avoided claiming it was poor writing.

I'm still trying to see a single ethical or moral issue with "Here's some text I found in a public place and how I'd have done it differently; how would you have done it differently?" Seriously, I'm stunned. Are you arguing people have some sort of right to have their publically shared work held above anything that might possibly smack of criticism or even discussion? How would such a right even work?

The culture of entitlement is out of control.

Has nothing to do with a culture of entitlement, and everything to do with a culture of respect.

As stated before, I absolutely believe you meant nothing negative in your proposed exercise. I don't think you were out to denigrate or humiliate another writer. But grabbing an amateur story at random, with a forum post entitled, "Why I don't like your story", and asking folks here to re-write it comes off as rude even if you didn't mean it that way.

It's one thing if you'd chosen a paragraph or two from either a public domain work where the author is long dead, or even a couple of paragraphs from a professional novel that you particularly didn't care for: either way, the original writer isn't going to care because (s)he's either dead or laughing all the way to the bank.

The appropriate way to do it would have been to nominate something you yourself wrote and ask if others here would be willing to provide their personal re-interpretations.

Look at it this way: say you're walking down the hall and you see another person whose personal choice of clothing style you not only don't agree with, but flat-out hate. Is there any time or place on this planet where it would be appropriate for you to grab that person, then turn and loudly announce to everyone else in the hallway, "Hey, I don't like this dude's fashion sense! If I were him, I'd get a haircut, maybe some wire-framed glasses, ditch the jeans for a nice pair of pressed slacks, cut out the tie all together, and spray on some Axe. How would YOU all re-dress this guy? C'mon, speak up--give him some clues here!"

You might have the best of intentions. You might know this guy is a 40-year old virgin, and for whatever reason you are desperate for him to get laid in the next 48 hours. You only want him to have a happier, better life than what he already has--why can't anyone see that you only want to help him? Goddamn entitlement culture, thinking he's entitled to his own fashion sense and feelings...

Is that what you really wanted? Because that's how it came off. Has nothing to do with entitlement culture and everything to do with common courtesy. Period.

 

[karaline]

Wow, what? SHow me the ethical issue in using any publically available text as a learning exercise and discussion topic.

You might have had a case if I'd named the story and author and proceeded to humiliate them over a lack of basic writing skill; though even that would be fair game in marketplace of ideas we call writing (though it's poor form in my opinion.) But I deliberately chose a highly rated story I didn't name (though someone else proved it was possible to track it down in Google), and I deliberately avoided claiming it was poor writing.

I'm still trying to see a single ethical or moral issue with "Here's some text I found in a public place and how I'd have done it differently; how would you have done it differently?" Seriously, I'm stunned. Are you arguing people have some sort of right to have their publically shared work held above anything that might possibly smack of criticism or even discussion? How would such a right even work?

The culture of entitlement is out of control.

I don't really have much to add to other peoples responses to this. I'm no expert on ethics and I can see from your earlier posts that you haven't meant this the way I am interpreting it but to reiterate, speaking personally if l logged on here and saw this thread and it was about my writing I would be mortified. Thats all I'm trying to say here. If that means I have an inflated sense of entitlement then so be it.

 

[Nathan_Brazil]

Kick

Raise the Titanic.

 

[Nathan_Brazil]

As promised

You first. I don't write by committee.

That weekend:

Manu and Lauren were excited! Of course they were; everyone loves a free trip to a tropical island. Evidently, they had never seen the original special and all of its snow. In their minds, they were on their way to a tropical island, something like Fiji… who knows what was going through their minds?

Somewhat impatiently, they waited for their ride to the airport, and even though Manu was in great need of a waxing, both representatives of Literotica were dressed in their micro bikinis when there was a knock on their door. Lauren rushed to answer it, thinking “limo”, but what she actually got was…

“Manu, umm…they are fucking reindeer. No, I mean it, real fucking reindeer! Come look at this! They look like some sort of animatronic thing, but, you know… reindeer!

Rudolph tilted his head, somewhat jerkily, to the side before saying to his companion, “Gee Clarithe, Lauren thure cuthes a lot!”

Clarice tilted her animatronic head to the side and responded, “Yeah, maybe you should put that clay in your ears instead of on your nose.”

Dumbfounded by talking reindeers, one of them with a seeming speech impediment, the bikini-clad twosome stood open-mouthed in the doorway.

“Hi,” Said Rudolph in a stuffy sounding honk and then sticking out a hoof, said, “I’m Rudy. Thith ith Clarithe.”

“Take that stupid clay off your nose!” Clarice demanded. She then looked at Lauren and said, “We told you to dress warmly! Yes, the island is tropical, but you are going to freeze in-flight.”

“In flight?” Manu said woodenly.

“Yeah sure!” Clarice said smiling, “Climb on!”

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“We are a charity, you know. We can’t exactly afford first class. All of our company’s transportation is 100% green!

Rudolph burped in agreement… It was true, most of the fleet was grass-run.
Irritated, Clarice kicked Rudy, causing the clay to come flying off his shiny red nose.
Pa-weeet! Came from lightbulb within the animatronic globe.

Clarice looked back the Lit duo and said, “You can go ahead and wear your bikinis, but put on some outer layers too. It’s cold at our altitude.

“We are going to ride you…” said Lauren, slowing adding it up, “to a warm tropical island?”
“Filled with misfit sex-toys,” Rudolph chirped gaily!

“Umm… I’d like to, but,” Lauren prevaricated, “I’m allergic to fur; it makes me sneeze and break out in hives.”

“That’s okay ma’am,” bubbled Rudy excitedly, “It isn’t real fur, its animatronic, and it is 100% hypoallergenic! And the best part, there’s an in-flight movie!”

“An in-flight movie?” Manu said slowly.

“There sure is! We have a very sexy set of videos for your entertainment, but enough about that,” Clarice said, interrupting Rudy, “Go get some warm clothes and we’ll be in time for cocktail hour. You know… Daiquiris by the beach; do you like strawberry or pineapple? We do a great coconut/peach!”

“Cocktails,” Manu said longingly.

“Ask for extra Rumple Minze, it’s the holidays!” Rudy said happily!

Manu and Lauren shared a long look, and while it was true they’d led a life of thrill-seeking, this long strange trip might be more than they had bargained for. Clarice caught their look and started talking quickly, “Well, unless you are happy with the way your… ahem… eccentric posters are behaving.”

Lauren came to a quick decision. “Manu, let’s do this. They have cocktails!”

“Yes, my Queen!”

“Stop it Manu!”

An excerpt from 'Island of the Misfit Sex-Toys", dropping on Monday.

 

[SamScribble]

I just don’t get it, girls and boys. Someone writes something; someone else reads it (and doesn’t much like it); and then the dissatisfied reader says: Here’s how you should have written it.

If I turn my head to the left, I am faced with a large bookcase containing many books, not a few of which have bookmarks sticking up. Mainly, the bookmarks indicate where I stopped reading. I stopped reading because … well, because I wasn’t motivated to read any further. But did I send a note to Ernest Hemingway (tricky, I admit), Leo Benedictus, Ben Elton, etc, etc, saying: This is how you should have written it? No, I didn’t. I assume that they wrote what they wanted to write. The fact that what they wanted to write was not what I wanted to read is neither here nor there. And that’s pretty much the end of the matter.

 

[Hypoxia]

But did I send a note to Ernest Hemingway (tricky, I admit), Leo Benedictus, Ben Elton, etc, etc, saying: This is how you should have written it? No, I didn’t. I assume that they wrote what they wanted to write. The fact that what they wanted to write was not what I wanted to read is neither here nor there. And that’s pretty much the end of the matter.

Yes, electrons are much more interactive than paper. But I recall letters columns in old comics and SF pulps where correspondents DID critique published tales, sometimes with detailed accounts of how the commentator would rewrite the piece. So it's not just a Net thang. Our modern free-flowing communications merely allow us to more easily whip our egos and thrash offensive authors. And we needn't buy stationary and postage.

 

[GforGraham]

We write our stories because we are compelled by some inner need to be told how horrible we are. There are many stories I never finish reading, perhaps 95%. Some I never get past the first sentence, others could be a page or two, maybe even up to few chapters. Occassionally I will tell the author if I think the story has potential then l will say why I did not finish. That is often not appreciated by the writer, but it is meant to be a critique not a criticism. For some reason some of my comments are deleted by the author. I try to make sure it is not a personal attack, and try to give my reasons, but we writers can be a thin skinned crowd.
I also get my some bad messages which I will leave unless it is that crusty anonymous with his usual crap. I do not expect to be liked by many and leave mine in the ranks of nowhere category.

 

[sr71plt]

I only read as far as "Occassionally."

 

[Nathan_Brazil]

Paper thin egos.

No sense of humour.

 

[Nathan_Brazil]

Ridicule

Its the ultimate weapon.

 

[Handley_Page]

That weekend:

Manu and Lauren were excited! Of course they were; everyone loves a free trip to a tropical island. Evidently, they had never seen the original special and all of its snow. In their minds, they were on their way to a tropical island, something like Fiji… who knows what was going through their minds?

Somewhat impatiently, they waited for their ride to the airport, and even though Manu was in great need of a waxing, both representatives of Literotica were dressed in their micro bikinis when there was a knock on their door. Lauren rushed to answer it, thinking “limo”, but what she actually got was…

“Manu, umm…they are fucking reindeer. No, I mean it, real fucking reindeer! Come look at this! They look like some sort of animatronic thing, but, you know… reindeer!

Rudolph tilted his head, somewhat jerkily, to the side before saying to his companion, “Gee Clarithe, Lauren thure cuthes a lot!”

Clarice tilted her animatronic head to the side and responded, “Yeah, maybe you should put that clay in your ears instead of on your nose.”

Dumbfounded by talking reindeers, one of them with a seeming speech impediment, the bikini-clad twosome stood open-mouthed in the doorway.

“Hi,” Said Rudolph in a stuffy sounding honk and then sticking out a hoof, said, “I’m Rudy. Thith ith Clarithe.”

“Take that stupid clay off your nose!” Clarice demanded. She then looked at Lauren and said, “We told you to dress warmly! Yes, the island is tropical, but you are going to freeze in-flight.”

“In flight?” Manu said woodenly.

“Yeah sure!” Clarice said smiling, “Climb on!”

“You’ve got to be kidding.”

“We are a charity, you know. We can’t exactly afford first class. All of our company’s transportation is 100% green!

Rudolph burped in agreement… It was true, most of the fleet was grass-run.
Irritated, Clarice kicked Rudy, causing the clay to come flying off his shiny red nose.
Pa-weeet! Came from lightbulb within the animatronic globe.

Clarice looked back the Lit duo and said, “You can go ahead and wear your bikinis, but put on some outer layers too. It’s cold at our altitude.

“We are going to ride you…” said Lauren, slowing adding it up, “to a warm tropical island?”
“Filled with misfit sex-toys,” Rudolph chirped gaily!

“Umm… I’d like to, but,” Lauren prevaricated, “I’m allergic to fur; it makes me sneeze and break out in hives.”

“That’s okay ma’am,” bubbled Rudy excitedly, “It isn’t real fur, its animatronic, and it is 100% hypoallergenic! And the best part, there’s an in-flight movie!”

“An in-flight movie?” Manu said slowly.

“There sure is! We have a very sexy set of videos for your entertainment, but enough about that,” Clarice said, interrupting Rudy, “Go get some warm clothes and we’ll be in time for cocktail hour. You know… Daiquiris by the beach; do you like strawberry or pineapple? We do a great coconut/peach!”

“Cocktails,” Manu said longingly.

“Ask for extra Rumple Minze, it’s the holidays!” Rudy said happily!

Manu and Lauren shared a long look, and while it was true they’d led a life of thrill-seeking, this long strange trip might be more than they had bargained for. Clarice caught their look and started talking quickly, “Well, unless you are happy with the way your… ahem… eccentric posters are behaving.”

Lauren came to a quick decision. “Manu, let’s do this. They have cocktails!”

“Yes, my Queen!”

“Stop it Manu!”

An excerpt from 'Island of the Misfit Sex-Toys", dropping on Monday.

Oh please do write it. I haven't laughed so much in a while.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

It bears repeating: Some writings are dictation from the mouth of God, and some are farts from the asses of imbeciles. All of us bookmark sublime prose and poetry, few bookmark crap.

My favorite organist, Feike Asma, usta correct Bach's scores. Bach's music are fulla errors. The best musicians see them plainly. But Bach's compositions are, on the whole, brilliant, because 99.99% of the composition is congruent with the philosophy of sound. Every note touches the right place. Or doesn't, and must be changed for the best effect.

Writing is the same. And like with sound, some of us are tone-deaf or color-blind if the medium is visual.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMwaiA581AQ

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CIM585cCHpA The Great Feike Asma 1969

 

[lovecraft68]

It bears repeating: Some writings are dictation from the mouth of God, and some are farts from the asses of imbeciles. All of us bookmark sublime prose and poetry, few bookmark crap.

My favorite organist, Feike Asma, usta correct Bach's scores. Bach's music are fulla errors. The best musicians see them plainly. But Bach's compositions are, on the whole, brilliant, because 99.99% of the composition is congruent with the philosophy of sound. Every note touches the right place. Or doesn't, and must be changed for the best effect.

Writing is the same. And like with sound, some of us are tone-deaf or color-blind if the medium is visual.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UMwaiA581AQ

I think some is inspired by an inner muse, and others are just "Hey, I want to write a story and goddamn I'll write it!" which means there is no driving force other than I want to and those tend to come out kind of meh.

I've written 'fake it' stories here and for sale and it is a totally different feeling from those to when I'm writing something the muse is 100% behind. Unfortunately for me the muse is at its best when I'm at my worst and a lot of that material isn't always what I want to post.

 

[Nathan_Brazil]

Island of the Misfit Sex-toys is up

Feel free to rewrite it in any way that pleases you.

Just make sure that it's funny!

 

[Laurel]

Why am I so often called "Lauren" yet Manu is always "Manu"?

Just once, I'd like someone to screw up his name and not mine.

 

[Nathan_Brazil]

Umm...

Yes, my Queen.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Why am I so often called "Lauren" yet Manu is always "Manu"?

Just once, I'd like someone to screw up his name and not mine.

He might hurt me if I said Manu'red.

 

[oggbashan]

Why am I so often called "Lauren" yet Manu is always "Manu"?

Just once, I'd like someone to screw up his name and not mine.

Perhaps because we older ones think of you as Lauren Bacall at her best?

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/1c/aa/2e/1caa2ebde08906cc4bc5817eb6f2b613.jpg

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/19/0b/d8/190bd8953a8021ce35aaca786ad65a6a.jpg

http://theredlist.com/media/database/muses/icon/cinematic_women/1940/lauren-bacall/051-lauren-bacall-theredlist.jpg

 

[Laurel]

Yes, my Queen.

He might hurt me if I said Manu'red.

Maybe not hurt you, but he'd definitely frown.

Perhaps because we older ones think of you as Lauren Bacall at her best?

Okay. I'll be Lauren.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Maybe not hurt you, but he'd definitely frown.





Okay. I'll be Lauren.

Lauren is my grand daughter.

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Maybe not hurt you, but he'd definitely frown.





Okay. I'll be Lauren.

Hows about MANUEVERED?

 

[Laurel]

Lauren is my grand daughter.

Lauren Bacall is your granddaughter!?

Hows about MANUEVERED?

Better.

 

[JaxRhapsody]

I don't get a lot of pleasure from reading stories on Lit, and I realised some time ago it's because I'm too busy rewriting all of it in my head to match my own writing preferences. (This only seems to happen for erotica). Maybe it's because I grew up on Alistair Mclean stories, but for the most part I feel bogged down in most of I see on the site. From women writers it's generally the adjjectivitis. For guys I'm usually annoyed at the overly detailed mechanics of sex and the focus on physical descriptions (cf discussions of breasts size).

Mostly I look at stories when I get favorited and I go see what else the fan is fond of. (Usually I'm horrified.) This morning I ran across a highly rated (4.8+) story and got about three paragraphs in before I had to stop.

Yes, I know that's my problem and no true reflection on anyone's writing. But I'm curious about something.

As an exercise, I'm going to post a few of the story's paragraphs, unattributed (and apologies if it's yours). And then my rewrite. I'm inviting people to add their own rewrites; I want to see how other people deal with it. Try to maintain the personalities the two paragraphs hint at.

-- Original
Henry tightened his hold on her legs, preventing her feeble and half-hearted attempts of escaping the pleasure of his tongue. He looked up at her, smiling mischievously at her flushed face and heaving chest, "just relax Elena, you will like this..." he cooed while maintaining a firm hold on her legs.

Elena stiffened as she felt Henry's fingers part her delicate folds with one hand while his other hand continued to stop Elena's attempts in covering herself from him. She gasped loudly as she felt his warm, firm tongue push between her folds, sliding into her pussy, inch by wet inch. She let out a deep breath as she felt his tongue slide back out, but gasped anew as Henry's tongue pushed back in, deeper than before.

-- Mine (I tried to keep her relative innocence and his playfulness.)

"Henry!" Elena gasped, as Henry's tongue began to tease the folds of her pussy. "What - stop it"! She shifted, trying to get away, but his grip on her legs tightened, forcing her into a more exposed position.

"You'll like it," he chuckled mischievously. "Listen to your breathing. It sounds to me like you already like it a lot."

She tried to push him off. "It just feels stran- stop! No mor-"

His tongue pushed deep into her suddenly, and her protests collapsed into a ragged moan. It pressed deeper, then slid out and flicked lightly, spreading her open.

"Stop," she said, more weakly. "This is so wrong-"

His only reply was a teasing series of fluttering teases around her clit, and then forceful flicking. Her head fell back and her body tensed, slowly. "Henry... don't..."

And then a fingertip, slowly parting her folds, then suddenly forcing into her. She sobbed, arching, rigid, already hungry for more. His muted chuckle brought a hot blush to her cheeks.

You'll like my stories, because I said so.

lol

 

[NOIRTRASH]

Lauren Bacall is your granddaughter!?



Better.

I never got Lauren Bacall's appeal.