why don't I feel?

[Betticus]

I am really confused about this. I don't feel anything but academic observation where others laugh, cry, hurt. I need some help understanding where my psyche diverged from normal development and turned to cold, heartless calculation of others.

Was it the product of abuse?

Is it just my personality?

A combination of things?

I feel a need to know myself so ask questions and make observations. I really only feel a kinship with Sir Marquis here as we are both bipolar and lost in the mix. I want to party with him someday soon.

Take your best shot and lets help to center me in my own mind.

 

[wyckdwench]

I am really confused about this. I don't feel anything but academic observation where others laugh, cry, hurt. I need some help understanding where my psyche diverged from normal development and turned to cold, heartless calculation of others.

Was it the product of abuse?

Is it just my personality?

A combination of things?

I feel a need to know myself so ask questions and make observations. I really only feel a kinship with Sir Marquis here as we are both bipolar and lost in the mix. I want to party with him someday soon.

Take your best shot and lets help to center me in my own mind.

Only you could really answer the abuse portion of the question. I don't think most people being honest could really answer any of that for you. I certainly wouldn't say that feeling that way makes you 'cold' or heartless and calculating. At worst perhaps distant would be a better way to describe it. Certainly someone willing to be so introspective cannot be so cold and calculating unless its a form of manipulation. A way to get others to bare their souls.

In my life my feelings mainly range from saddness to anger. I don't feel that there is a great range or depth of emotion. I have children and they make me smile and laugh. But when people, like my parents or childhood friends, speak of the past, there is no feeling. Its like they are talking of another person - their is no emotional link there for me. Its very disturbing because they have a connection that I don't.

I, myself, was abused by a friend of the family from the time I was 12-17. So the abuse has covered a good portion of my formative years. I have trouble with trust, love, and relationships - though my marriage has lasted for many years.

I cannot answer for you, only myself though. I hope this was of some help. Though if I had to guess without knowing a lot about you I would venture to say it is a combination of things. What happens to you in life does change how you deal and view life. As you grow as a person you also learn ways of coping with what has happened and that plays a part in who you are as a person also.

 

[gditeam]

I am the say way and I know what that is at least in my situation. When people get hurt I do the "get over it". Someone cries I go with " why are you crying????" and what I have learned is that it is a defense mechanism from my bad childhood. I was hurt so much that I do not let people see my emotions anymore and from that I do not see why others should share them so openly. That is just my thought on it.

 

[Samuelx]

I think you're a Vulcan !!!

 

[kajiraahava]

You recognize this trait in yourself, thereby ruling out being ambivalence. It is said that people are just “wired differently”. Difference is what “makes the world go ‘round”.

How do you look at external stimuli that can be thought of Right-brain and Left-brain dominance? Do you fit into one of these descriptions?

It has been said that “Left Brain oriented” people are logical, sequential, analytical, objective, and look at parts. Whereas “Right Brain oriented” people are random, intuitive, subjective, and look at wholes.

Ponder the other aspects of your being. For example, what you do for a living. All of the various aspects of who you are, not solely your emotional response.

You speak of and question abuse. Perhaps it is not as clear-cut. Have you had a lot of heartbreak in your life? Have you had many losses of loved ones? What order were you picked for team sports on the playground? It can be some of the most minute experiences that shape who we are.

I have mentioned this to stimulate thought. It may not answer any questions. This is just my two cents.

 

[NemoAlia]

<hijack>kajiraahava, I am so glad you're here! You seem really thoughtful, smart, insightful, respectful, and all the other lovely -fuls that i can think of. Reading your posts the last couple of days has kindled sparks of optimism for the human race in my heart </hijack>

Hey, Betticus. I have the same problem. And in fact, I was diagnosed as psychotic for my emotional disconnection. (Whatever. So I'm not interested in looking at fifteen pictures of your cat, or in working on a group-knitted prayer shawl, or in discussing the spiritual significance of your spaghetti sauce recipe. So what?)

It took me a while to decide that the doctor had his head up his ass, and I was perfectly capable of experiencing strong emotions. Just, usually the emotions I experienced (anger, rage, frustration, general pissiness, etc.) aren't politely expressible -- so I'd gotten very good at hiding them.

And the thing about hiding my emotions is I got to feeling smarter/better/superior to the rest of the human race, because obviously I had such a stronger sense of self-control and a clearer perspective on all things emotional and their place in society.

In fact, the only place where I consistently ran through a significant part of the spectrum of emotional experience was in the movie theater. Seriously, I cry at nearly everything.

And here's the place where I should offer a solution:

....

Yeah, I don't know. I try to express my anger more, that's one. And it helps to have fallen in love and to be taking emotional risks. But I can't say that there's any sure-fire cure, at least not for me.

 

[graceanne]

Hm. Betticus I've known you for a while now, and I wouldn't say you don't feel. You just don't have the extreme emotions others have.

Beyond that you're probably like me. You are so used to denying how you feel that you don't even notice them anymore. I was raised so that any extreme of emotion infuriated my mother. I've been pushing feelings down so long it's second nature.

 

[Retrieval]

I am the say way and I know what that is at least in my situation. When people get hurt I do the "get over it". Someone cries I go with " why are you crying????" and what I have learned is that it is a defense mechanism from my bad childhood. I was hurt so much that I do not let people see my emotions anymore and from that I do not see why others should share them so openly. That is just my thought on it.

Same here. It doesn't bother me though.

 

[kajiraahava]

Beyond that you're probably like me. You are so used to denying how you feel that you don't even notice them anymore. I was raised so that any extreme of emotion infuriated my mother. I've been pushing feelings down so long it's second nature.

That is very astute and amazing that you are able to step "outside of yourself" to view your life experiences. Kudos! Thank you, graceanne, your post jarred some thoughts in my cobwebbed brain.

Knowing people who have spent years bottling up emotions do tend to display very subdued or even virtually no emotion, positive or negative. It is unclear as to whether they were aware of their mannerisms, and of course as you could imagine, it was not “up for discussion”. These people/friends had a tendency to appear either shy (most common) or even aloof.

<response to hijack by NemoAlia> Hope you don't mind me stealing your style. Thank you for the kind words. They are very encouraging for a new person wading through this community.</hijack>

 

[Betticus]

Hm. Betticus I've known you for a while now, and I wouldn't say you don't feel. You just don't have the extreme emotions others have.

Beyond that you're probably like me. You are so used to denying how you feel that you don't even notice them anymore. I was raised so that any extreme of emotion infuriated my mother. I've been pushing feelings down so long it's second nature.

That strikes a chord with me. I feel, but not very much. I do enjoy when someone is doing something for me like a belly rub and I happily reciprocate. There are things that don't seem to touch me though. Last week my roomie and I fought like mortal enemies and I felt nothing at all. We're both bruised and sore but for me it was as emotional as eating breakfast. This is a good friend of mine and it seems that I should be upset but it's quite the opposite. I feel nothing, good or bad. I think that I've lived with violence and pain for so long that it holds no meaning for me anymore. I've been shot at before and only thought that I need to move to the left and find cover or return fire. No emotion at all. I've had bar fights with "men"? if you can call them that where it was just entertaining. A break from the usual boredom.

When I see someone going through a pain or hurt that I've been through before I find it to be terribly enjoyable for me. It'ss almost something that has a flavor and scent. Pain that is. Pain has different aromas and tastes. It takes a lot of detachment to be able to appreciate the subtle nuances of pain.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Is Betticus a masochist?

 

[Betticus]

That is very astute and amazing that you are able to step "outside of yourself" to view your life experiences. Kudos! Thank you, graceanne, your post jarred some thoughts in my cobwebbed brain.

Knowing people who have spent years bottling up emotions do tend to display very subdued or even virtually no emotion, positive or negative. It is unclear as to whether they were aware of their mannerisms, and of course as you could imagine, it was not “up for discussion”. These people/friends had a tendency to appear either shy (most common) or even aloof.

<response to hijack by NemoAlia> Hope you don't mind me stealing your style. Thank you for the kind words. They are very encouraging for a new person wading through this community.</hijack>

There is a part of me that enjoys pain, even intense pain. It feels like being alive.

 

[Betticus]

Is Betticus a masochist?

Not in the sense of being dominated. It's more akin to pain making me stronger and a more well rounded person.

 

[Kajira Callista]

Not in the sense of being dominated. It's more akin to pain making me stronger and a more well rounded person.

masochism has little to do with domination or submission. Two different beasts...well in my opinion.

 

[shy slave]

This is just my ramblings but could it be partly your meds?

They may be designed to take the edge of the high/lows? If they are then it will affect all your emotions not just the ones they are meant to target.

Another thought is that it could be due to life/work/family/stress you are so used to keeping your feelings in check for a number of reasons including your own thoughts about your illness that it's hard to let go now.

Whatever the reason, I hope you feel better about the situation soon.

 

[kitty4ever]

Hm. Betticus I've known you for a while now, and I wouldn't say you don't feel. You just don't have the extreme emotions others have.

I have to agree with Graceanne. You do feel. I've seen it. You're just not the emotional rollercoaster that I am. I'd almost say to be glad about that.

<hugs> As to if you're feeling more detached than usual, that could be for any number of reasons, as shy suggestion, the list including but not just your meds.

 

[kajiraahava]

There is a part of me that enjoys pain, even intense pain. It feels like being alive.

Consider me the dolt who goes astray here. I am not implying you share this trait; however, your comment brought back memories that sound ohhh so familiar. My thoughts focused on a very dear friend and several movie characters. Each required self-inflicted pain to "feel alive". They were, of course, "cutters". That was the extent of their pain, rather than a fight or whatnot.

Betticus, you do seem to mildly enjoy positive human contact. However, when you describe the stronger negative human contact your interest becomes almost palpable.

When you ask "Why don't I feel?", your responses thus far have referred only to physical situations. Do you have the same responses to sappy movies, sirens, or newborns for example? Those stimuli have been completely overlooked. What is your response to things that are not tactile, but solely visual or auditory?

 

[graceanne]

I grew up with my mother, who's borderline bi-polar. My father is just flat out moody. Betticus, I knwo that your father, also, had extreme's of emotion. Is it possible that we measure ourselves against them as the norm? It's what we've always known, and because we're not like that it doesn't seem normal to us. We feel like we should have more extremes of emotion. Their's nothing wrong with being calm and unmoody.

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself and I have repressed my feelings. Although no one's ever accused me of being shy. lol

 

[ammre]

Not in the sense of being dominated. It's more akin to pain making me stronger and a more well rounded person.

Have you ever thought of suspension?

 

[WildandBlue]

When I see someone going through a pain or hurt that I've been through before I find it to be terribly enjoyable for me. It'ss almost something that has a flavor and scent. Pain that is. Pain has different aromas and tastes. It takes a lot of detachment to be able to appreciate the subtle nuances of pain.

I think this is very telling. When you see someone else going thru the pain that has been inflicted on you, why is that enjoyable?
I do not claim to know much about this,but this seems an important point to examine. Could it be that if it happens to others you are alone, does it dissipate the pain, does it make the causeof the original pain less your fault in your mind if others experiance it to. Just something to think about.
Also perhaps some emotions we think are inherent are learned, at least for some people, if you did not see babies and puppies being the cause of happy feelings maybe you just don't make that association.

 

[Betticus]

Consider me the dolt who goes astray here. I am not implying you share this trait; however, your comment brought back memories that sound ohhh so familiar. My thoughts focused on a very dear friend and several movie characters. Each required self-inflicted pain to "feel alive". They were, of course, "cutters". That was the extent of their pain, rather than a fight or whatnot.

Betticus, you do seem to mildly enjoy positive human contact. However, when you describe the stronger negative human contact your interest becomes almost palpable.

When you ask "Why don't I feel?", your responses thus far have referred only to physical situations. Do you have the same responses to sappy movies, sirens, or newborns for example? Those stimuli have been completely overlooked. What is your response to things that are not tactile, but solely visual or auditory?

I'm not much into sappy movies, they're just boring for me. I do like music and art though.

 

[Betticus]

Have you ever thought of suspension?

No. Intentional self infliction of damage doesn't make sense to me. If it's some kind of accident then it makes the whole situation different.

Pain tolerance is different for something you have to live through vs. something you choose to go through. My willingness to put up with a lot of pain just to feel it is pretty much non existant. When it's something that I don't have any choice but to deal with it then a part of me appreciates the sensation.

 

[Betticus]

I think this is very telling. When you see someone else going thru the pain that has been inflicted on you, why is that enjoyable?
I do not claim to know much about this,but this seems an important point to examine. Could it be that if it happens to others you are alone, does it dissipate the pain, does it make the causeof the original pain less your fault in your mind if others experiance it to. Just something to think about.
Also perhaps some emotions we think are inherent are learned, at least for some people, if you did not see babies and puppies being the cause of happy feelings maybe you just don't make that association.

It's interesting to see how someone else reacts to the same set of stimuli that I have had in the past. How somebody deals with situations under pressure tells you a lot about that persons personality.

 

[kiten69]

Hm. Betticus I've known you for a while now, and I wouldn't say you don't feel. You just don't have the extreme emotions others have.

Even tho i haven't known you as long as gracie here i'd have to agree...through our conversations it is evident that you DO have feelings but like she said "you just don't have the extreme emotions others have".

*nice comforting belly rubs*

 

[satindesire]

This is just my personal opinion and I am by no means any sort of expert, so please take my advice with a grain of salt and understand that I am also in no way attempting to troll or insult you, or attack you personally.

Obviously, the repression of more passionate emotions and feelings have raised some query in your own mind. As humans, we're BUILT to often run the gamut of emotions from blissful, radiating joy; to soul-deep, chilling fear; to skin-crawling hatred. These emotions and all their subsequent subemotions (jealousy, anger, happiness) are all a natrual and normal part of being a human being.

Repression of emotions stems from fear...when during a situation it is obvious that it is not safe to express emotions, as a survival mechanism, we repress them in order to remain safe. Pysically OR emotionally safe, either way, repression is an instinct.

Abuse during childhood or young adulthood is, in my opinion, one of the biggest causes of emotional repression, often leading to such toxic build up of negativity inside yourself, that all sorts of chemical changes in the brain happens, leading to that person becoming bi-polar, having deep bouts of crushing depression, or even maic-depression. Emotional stability and clarity, and emotional and pysical safety, and personal awareness about your own emotions leads to a healthier, happier life. Instead of trying to fix the root of the problem, doctors and therapists hand out medications...

Well, I'm no Scientologist, and I -DO- believe that medication is sometimes needed in order to re-balance someone who is just BEYOND self-help and self-awareness (and not to mention self-control!), but overmedication is something I see everywhere.

Becoming the emotionally self-aware, empathic person I am today has been a harrowing journey through childhood neglet and physical and sexual abuse, dealing with a rape that stole my innocence at the tender age of 16, and a bout of abusive relationships that nearly cost me my life. It's never easy to try and 'fix' yourself, but I could NOT look at myself in the mirror and wonder why I couldn't feel anything but this black, empty, sucking hollow of fear and anger, even during some of what should have been the happiest and most wonderful moments of my life.

Soul-searching and acceptance of yourself is the key. Changing toxic habits and getting rid of toxic relationships is the first step. Examining who might be potential "Emotional Vampires" that could be robbing you of happiness is vital to your emotional sanity.

You DO have the ability to repair your emotions and becoming a feeling person again. It isn't easy. I wish you all the best luck and many, many prayers.

Please do PM or email me if you want to talk, ever. I'll do my best to encourage and help you however I can.