Why did she leave? Someone has to explain this to me.

[human_male]

There's someone that I noticed noticing me at work. Every time we'd walk past each other she'd look at me and give me a little half smile. But I don't get the chance to talk to her, and I haven't seen her in weeks. I was thinking if I just met her in a social situation or bumped into her I could say hello and who knows, maybe make friends. I just want to make friends at this stage. I could really use one.

Normally though I have the worst luck with this kind of thing. I've never been able to say "I just bumped into whatshername at the supermarket and we got talking." Y'know, like other people.

But today the fates finally conspired to give me a break, (or let their guard slip for an instant) and I went to a jeweller to buy mumsy something for Christmas and there she was.

I didn't notice her because I was talking to the sales lady. But as she walked past it was obviously her, but she walked right past me and left! I'd been imagining and fantasising about that very thing. I knew exactly what I'd say and everything. And by some miracle it actually happened and she goes and leaves! If she was interested in meeting me wouldn't she stick around in the hopes I'd say hello?

So I wanna know why she left. The most obvious answer is I'd imagined the whole thing and she hadn't noticed me at all, or she'd since gone off me. But could there be another reason? Maybe she was nervous and lost her nerve, or maybe she thinks I'm not interested and wanted to leave before I noticed her?

I know it seems like I'm making mountians but I can't tell you how rare an occurance this is. In fact it's the first time it's ever happened, where I bumped into someone I was interested in. So I'm just really frustrated. It feels like fate dangled a carrot in front of me and then yanked it away just when I was about to reach for it.

What do ya think?

Thanks for reading.

 

[SweetErika]

In addition to the scenarios you mentioned, she could have been busy, in a hurry, preoccupied, thinking you aren't interested or are unavailable. My point? There are many possibilities, and while I understand it's frustrating and disappointing, try not to get hung up on and negative about it because this isn't the only chance you'll ever have to make a friend or meet a woman you're interested in. Fate isn't conspiring against you, though if you think it is, you're going to perceive everything negatively and have a lot of trouble getting what you want.

Next time you see her at work and she doesn't appear to be rushed, smile and say hello to her. Then the next time, tell her you're trying to meet new people and friends, and ask if she'd like to grab a coffee and chat sometime. That should give you a good idea as to whether she's interested in something more substantial than flirting, and willing to forge connections outside of work.

Be confident and positive, and you WILL get what you want, HM.

 

[deliciously_naughty]

She could have also thought you were buying jewelry for your wife/girlfriend/mistress type person.

 

[eudaemonia]

I think sometimes that when you're a shy-type it's easy to forget that others can be just that shy as well, esp. when they're around somebody they're attracted to.

I just got done reading this, mostly for the insight into how shyness affects one's outlook on finding relationships. Turns out it can be a wonderful gift, too! The book is a bit on the sappy side, but overall it struck me as fairly on the mark (given the person I had in mind while reading it).

I myself am not particularly shy, but am quite a bit so when in the presence of someone I'm really flipped out about. Until just recently I hadn't experienced for several years how intense those feelings of shyness can be, and I certainly empathize with those who are overwhelmed in situations such as you described, human_male. Even us semi-shy people are second- and triple-guessing what's going on. Trust me!

 

[human_male]

I don't know which is worse, the thought that she doesn't like me, or she does and we blew the only opportunity we had to meet.

I've been trying to remember what happened when I first walked in the shop. It was only a few seconds before the sales lady came over, but she must have been right next to me and I didn't notice her. So maybe she smiled or something and I didn't notice and she took it as a snub. Which would absolutely suck but be totally typical of me.

I feel a bit gutted by it. Who knows what might have happened if I'd have just noticed her sooner, or said hello when she walked past and I recognised her. But I'm no good at these things when I get taken by surprise. And there's been a few opportunites that I've missed because of that.

I find I miss her. I don't know her, but I miss her still. Is it weird to miss something you never had?

 

[eudaemonia]

I find I miss her. I don't know her, but I miss her still. Is it weird to miss something you never had?

Ah, but you did have something -- that opportunity. And you feel "gutted" that you missed it, as it were.

I get the sense that you're hypercritical with yourself. Is that perhaps on the mark?

 

[human_male]

Ah, but you did have something -- that opportunity. And you feel "gutted" that you missed it, as it were.

I get the sense that you're hypercritical with yourself. Is that perhaps on the mark?

Yes, gutted because of the missed opportunity and thoughts of what might have been.

I'm not overly critical of myself, I just wish I could respond better to these things when they happen, instead of needing time to work myself up to something. For instance, someone else I liked worked in a shop, and so it was easy to just go in and talk to her. And after a while trying to get to know her I finally asked her out. For situations where an opportunity presents itself and you need to grab it quick I'm utterly hopeless. I kick myself afterward, but that's just the way it is.

 

[eudaemonia]

I'm not overly critical of myself, I just wish I could respond better to these things when they happen, instead of needing time to work myself up to something. For instance, someone else I liked worked in a shop, and so it was easy to just go in and talk to her. And after a while trying to get to know her I finally asked her out. For situations where an opportunity presents itself and you need to grab it quick I'm utterly hopeless. I kick myself afterward, but that's just the way it is.

Are you certain you're not being rather hard on yourself?

Okay, lemme ask you something.

Suppose you're hanging out with your best bud, strolling along a moderately busy sidewalk and having a perfectly fine conversation when suddenly an aggressive stranger comes right up into your friend's face and starts railing, "You idiot! You should have seen me coming from three blocks away. Get the fuck out of my sight and get the fuck off the footpath!" You'd tell the prick go fuck himself, that no one has the right to talk to your friend (or anyone else) like that and ... on and on and on. You'd think this stranger is a creep and a menace to anyone he thinks he catch off guard and take advantage of. You'd be outraged!

Simply put, you'd defend your bud in a heartbeat if he was under attack like that, right? So if you'd come to the defense of your friend so quickly, why not for yourself? It seems the standard of expectation you have toward yourself -- to be prescient, a mind-reader, etc. -- is not a standard you'd hold your friend or much of anyone to, and that no one deserves to be yelled at and beat up for something they have no control over.

And so, does the situation have to remain "the way it is?"

FWIW, I completely empathize about how bad you're feeling about the lost opporunity as it were. That's a legitimate point and perfectly valid response to the situation. You have a lot of company on that, for sure.

 

[human_male]

I suppose you're right. I appreciate you trying to make me feel better.

Actually I blame fate a lot more than I do myself. I know that sounds crazy but I really do believe that a lot of it comes down to luck and if I had half the luck other people have everything would be fine.

I know that sounds like something a negative, pessimistic person would say but it's really what I've come to believe. I'd think someone had put a curse on me if I believed in that sort of thing.

Anyway, thanks again.

 

[AvaAdore]

Err when I'm out shopping, I'm usually in a complete daze staring off into space and such. People have to yell at me when they are right in front of me or sometimes I won't notice!

So if she's oblivious like me, perhaps it's nothing personal and she was just preoccupied in her own thoughts.