Why can't I?

[blulilacgrl]

I don’t know if this is something that everyone has struggled with or if it is just me. I can’t seem to bring myself to give in. I don’t know why. I know that logically I will feel better, that all of these swirling thoughts and emotions will be released. And I know if I would give in and give over, stop being so demanding, I would find some peace. I know this but still can’t seem to give in. I find myself pushing back and refusing to do what is asked of me.

As I sit here trying to figure what I am doing (or better yet what I am not doing) and why, I have to ask myself if anyone else has been in the position. Has anyone else found themselves fighting against a constraint and simply refusing to submit or accept a limit? I feel all out of sorts with my head and my heart telling me to give in but this other part of me just refusing. So I am in this place where I want to do something and yet am unable to take that step. I find myself stepping back and in some ways wanting to call an end to the whole thing. But when I think of being without, I want to curl up and cry.

I know this is pretty vague and I apologize for it but I don’t feel comfortable discussing the exact situation. And honestly, I don’t know if the specifics matter. Suffice to say I am not being asked to do anything new. That is how I know logically I will benefit from it. Which is why I am even more confused as to why I won’t do it.

Anyone else find themselves in this position? And if so how did you handle it?

 

[ecstaticsub]

Your question is very vague but I am going to give answering it a try since I completely understand why you may not be able to give specifics.

I don't know your exact position but there have been times when I have struggled greatly with obeying. Sometimes with very good reason. Other times because I was still learning to trust him.

So what's the answer? I've been with my dominant for almost 8 years now so this situation is now very rare but back in the beginning one of my frequent requests were for a clarification of an order. It somewhat over time become a kind of code phrase for "I really want to obey but I'm struggling. I'm not saying no, but please help me say yes". Very respectfully I would explain why I was having difficulties and he firmly but with compassion help me along.

As our relationship strengthened and my trust that he would always keep me safe grew this need for clarification changed to what we now call Immediate Obedience. (which isn't always immediate, but close)

Trust your instincts. There have been a few times where I asked for clarification and through the discussion we both learned that he did not have the complete information that he needed. He then modified the expectation and I was able to move ahead with confidence.

 

[Kim_Burly]

I don’t know if this is something that everyone has struggled with or if it is just me. I can’t seem to bring myself to give in. I don’t know why. I know that logically I will feel better, that all of these swirling thoughts and emotions will be released. And I know if I would give in and give over, stop being so demanding, I would find some peace. I know this but still can’t seem to give in. I find myself pushing back and refusing to do what is asked of me.

As I sit here trying to figure what I am doing (or better yet what I am not doing) and why, I have to ask myself if anyone else has been in the position. Has anyone else found themselves fighting against a constraint and simply refusing to submit or accept a limit? I feel all out of sorts with my head and my heart telling me to give in but this other part of me just refusing. So I am in this place where I want to do something and yet am unable to take that step. I find myself stepping back and in some ways wanting to call an end to the whole thing. But when I think of being without, I want to curl up and cry.

I know this is pretty vague and I apologize for it but I don’t feel comfortable discussing the exact situation. And honestly, I don’t know if the specifics matter. Suffice to say I am not being asked to do anything new. That is how I know logically I will benefit from it. Which is why I am even more confused as to why I won’t do it.

Anyone else find themselves in this position? And if so how did you handle it?

I'm going to break my own rule against giving advice, so brace for impact!

I'm not sure about your relationship at all, I'm guessing you are sub to a man. It depends on what he wants you to do. If it is something that you "probably should" do, i.e. take it in the butt, swallow, be peed on, then let it go. But if it is bringing another person into your relationship or something like that you need to stand your ground and look at your options. I hope it works out for you.

ETA: Just because you've done it before doesn't mean it's the right thing for you now. But if you are just being stubborn or prideful in order to maintain some control, again, let it go.

DISCLAIMER: I give the worst advice ever. You should either disregard it or do the complete opposite.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Why do you feel that you have to be submissive?

Is there another route to getting you what you want?

And I'm sure you know where I'm going from here... Maybe submission worked for a while, maybe you've outgrown it. Maybe you want some of the stuff but not some of the other stuff. Maybe it's time to renegotiate.

Maybe I'm barking up the wrong coconut palm, also-- you will know.

 

[blulilacgrl]

As I sat here and read through your responses (and thank you so much you guys!) I started to really think. And I think you all have parts of the issue.

Ecstaticsub~ I think there might be a bit of trust. I don't think it is a huge issue because I do trust him. But for some reason I have hit a place where I am feeling... not distrustful, but I am feeling really small, kind of weak. And I so hate feeling that way and that makes me maybe lash out? I know this may sound weird but something about submitting makes me feel powerful. Like I endured something and won. Or it does the opposite. He pushes me until I can't endure it and I break down and let all of my emotions out, which is really cathartic for me. But in each of those cases there is a tremendous rush either of adrenaline or a freeing feeling of letting it out.

So that is why I am stuck. I know that either way will ultimately lead me to feeling better. So why won't I do it?

And maybe it is like Kim said, maybe I am just being stubborn. Maybe I am trying to hold on to some bit of control. I will admit to feeling a little lost and uncertain. Maybe I just want to have something. And yet I know it is not in his nature to give in, so why am I pushing for it? Again logic vs. emotion and I am completely confused.

Perhaps it is time to renegotiate, Stella. But honestly I know him and what he will negotiate about. Which makes me question why I am doing this. Why pick a fight when I know he won't back down. I feel almost childish. But I can't help that part of me that wants to tell him that this is my line, step up or step off. And yet that just makes me want to cry even more.

God, am I as fucked up as I sound right now?

 

[Stella_Omega]

You're saying that he won't negotiate about the things you need to talk about?

and you are invested in him too deeply to back out...

That's a tough place to be in. I sat on that fence for years-- as did my partner, to be truthful-- before we called it quits, but the inevitable was inevitable. And we are much better friends now than we had been for quite a long time.

They say that man thinks that a woman will never change-- but she does, and a woman expects a man can change -- but he never does. That's pretty simplistic, but there is much more room for a relationship to grow if both partners are capable of changing at least a little bit.

 

[ecstaticsub]

~snip~

God, am I as fucked up as I sound right now?

No, well...maybe. But you certainly wouldn't be the only one in that position.

I'll give you some of my trains of thought that have helped me when I have struggled and we were past the early years of clarifications.

I have asked myself if obeying him would physically harm me? Would obeying involve others non-consensually? Was it illegal? Would it impact my work/ability to support myself? Would it humiliate me to a point where I could not recover?

When I could see the answers to all of those questions was "No" then I asked myself-Would obeying without a struggle make him happy? Is making him happy why I do what I do? The answer would be "Yes" and it helped me to obey.

As time went on the run through of those questions went to What's the worse that could happen? and then to immediate obedience.


Something else I would add that for me personally gave me a struggle. When I first met my dominant I was not looking for a D/s relationship. I was completely ignorant of the fact that D/s was real-life and not just in porn. Yeah, I had had fantasies forever, but they were just something to get myself off on.

So for me becoming an owned submissive was quite a shock to my feminist, independent, confident self. And obeying a man just because he gave me an order? Hell, no. LOL I knew I had made the right decision becoming his property but it still was difficult. Still is sometimes. But I haven't had the inner struggles like it seems you are having for a very long time.

 

[Primalex]

And I know if I would give in and give over, stop being so demanding, I would find some peace.

This is where I would disagree with already. Nobody can give you peace.

I have to ask myself if anyone else has been in the position. Has anyone else found themselves fighting against a constraint and simply refusing to submit or accept a limit?

All day.

Anyone else find themselves in this position? And if so how did you handle it?

Accepting or changing who you are. If you can accept who you are, then you have to make sure others know who you are. If you cannot accept who you are, then you have to change who you are. If you cannot accept who you are and cannot change who you are, you have to live with the lack of peace. These are the ultimate three paths for everything.

 

[Netzach]

Accepting or changing who you are. If you can accept who you are, then you have to make sure others know who you are. If you cannot accept who you are, then you have to change who you are. If you cannot accept who you are and cannot change who you are, you have to live with the lack of peace. These are the ultimate three paths for everything.

Insanely good advice. Of note: this idea that we're never in a state of conflict with ourselves - maybe the answer is to learn better how not to have resolutions to things and still not be in freakout. I have no idea, but it's worth consideration as much as "get over it" or "tell him you can't."

 

[luvnmyboys]

It sounds to me like whatever you are being asked to do is past your line but you are so invested in this relationship that you may be willing to cross your line in order to keep the relationship intact. I fear that won't bring you peace but may bring about negative feelings. If it really isn't past your limits, then maybe you're wanting to cling to a little control. Whatever the situation, trust your gut. I think this warrants a conversation, so maybe you can get some concerns off your chest. I hope you do find peace in whatever you decide about this.

 

[IrisAlthea]

Accepting or changing who you are. If you can accept who you are, then you have to make sure others know who you are. If you cannot accept who you are, then you have to change who you are. If you cannot accept who you are and cannot change who you are, you have to live with the lack of peace. These are the ultimate three paths for everything.

Which explains why inner peace is usually a very fleeting thing.

Insanely good advice. Of note: this idea that we're never in a state of conflict with ourselves - maybe the answer is to learn better how not to have resolutions to things and still not be in freakout. I have no idea, but it's worth consideration as much as "get over it" or "tell him you can't."

Yes, I think thats well worth trying.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Again a big 'thank you' to all your replies.

I spent today thinking about what I need. I even went to far as to make up a list of my needs and even some of my wants. I did this in an effort to clear my mind and to also see if the problem I am encountering is simply a want or a fundamental need. The one thing I noticed was I kept coming back to my need for trust, patience, and respect.

I think I have been so gung-ho about this that I have skimmed over and been willing to put my needs to the side in order to please. But I fear that this has all come to a point were I cannot deny my own needs. With that comes the knowledge that this may be a need that cannot be overlooked any longer.

I am not sure were this will lead me as I am heavily invested in the relationship (I am married) and I think now I have to decide if this is something to stand on. Perhaps no one can be 100% happy. I love my husband and so much of our relationship is perfect. But we are struggling with this new component to our relationship. A part of me wonders if perhaps I should end this drive to experience more and instead try to content myself with all the admittedly wonderful aspects of our relationship.

*sigh* I wish life were easy.

 

[knot_sweet]

Enthusiasm gets the best of all of us, and there's no such thing as not being able to swim back to the shallower end for a bit of breathing room.

You obviously love your husband, and if you've been willing to take the leap into BDSM together, then communication probably isn't an issue.

So I'm going to point out the obvious... Subs are allowed to have needs too. If your needs are not being met, try saying to DH that "I need this from you, can we figure out how to get it please?"

And being a sub doesn't mean you give up your right to respect. In the bedroom or out of it. Even if humiliation play is your thing, respect for you as a person is still something that should never be overlooked.

Occasionally though, some of us (me) mistake gratitude and appreciation for respect. If I feel like I'm under appreciated, sometimes I make the mistake of feeling a lack of respect. Usually I'm wrong. I'm not saying that's what's happening with you, but just food for thought, in case it is.

No-one is 100% happy all the time, doesn't mean it's the end of a relationship, just means it needs a bit of a polish. But you say that things are great with the rest of your relationship so I'd say keep trying with BDSM. As Stella pointed out, relationships are constantly evolving and there's always the opportunity to re-evaluate. So some aspect of how you're playing together isn't working, that doesn't mean it all isn't working.

Again with the obvious...talk with DH...if it's been going at speed train levels, maybe he's feeling a bit overwhelmed too and might appreciate a chance to step back and get some room to breathe and assess.

Hope you'll be ok and you two find your way to smooth sailing again.

 

[Stella_Omega]

or maybe... just let it go easier?

Not every man is a dom, you know. Most men, in fact, are not. Not even the guys who Manfully Step Up to take on the role. That's just what guys are supposed to do-- it doesn't necessarily mean that the guy is going to do the job. Not even if he totally believes in his own ability.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Okay Hubby and I had a nice long talk tonight. Basically we are running into issues because (as you say Stella) not every man is a Dom. And while he is trying his best to fulfill that need, it just isn't working

ETA* wow, weird dogleg in discussion led to a bad posting

 

[Primalex]

Sorry, I don't get this thread anymore.

 

[dougsan]

I dig my heels in often but I am always the first to concede and apologize. You have to care to stand your ground and with the meds and all, there is little I care enough about to invest the energy required to fight.

 

[sweepthefloor]

I know all about this feeling of wanting to give in, and never giving in, and then feeling all yuck inside. There are experiences that I want to actualize and I have gotten pretty good at expressing these wants and I meet some man—tell him all about it, he agrees to try it.

Then I don’t feel it, don’t want him, don’t like him, don’t trust maybe, and so I run away.

I chalk all this up as the man not being the one for me, but maybe it’s just me. Maybe I am not the person that I think I am. Maybe I just don’t like anyone.

 

[blulilacgrl]

Wow, it's amazing what a huge shock and 2 glasses of wine will have you posting.

Basically what it comes down to is that Hubby. is uncomfortablele and not wanting to continue this exploration. To be fair, he was not really into it to begin with and did it just to try and make me happy. Because I needed it.

So we are stepping back and reevaluating the situation. Thank you guys for all the replies.