Why Caddlebear? Why?!

[trvllady]

Ummmm - no questions for Caddlebear today

*Just all these huggles I found........Can I leave them here?

 

[Cadoras]

Ummmm - no questions for Caddlebear today

*Just all these huggles I found........Can I leave them here?

Oh sure! We love huggles here! *Noddles*

*Gives Tralalala loads of huggles!*

Here! Some for you

 

[asian_princess]

It's not my fault I like to be different! I can't just copy you......

Hmmmmm.... if I'm Magenta Caddlebear

You can be Royal Blue Caddlebear

Yay! It's all settled!

No.

*plonks*

I am DoppelGangerChameleonTemporaryCaddlebearBear.

I am above colour.

oooh!! cept that pretty purple with the green polka dots...can I be that??

 

[trvllady]

Oh sure! We love huggles here! *Noddles*

*Gives Tralalala loads of huggles!*

Here! Some for you

*Snaffles all those huggles before I have to run off to work.......it's a long ride.

Leaves some for both Caddlebear and Appy too *

 

[southerntierguy]

Why does the image in my mirror appear to have a reddish tint right after I've been dealing with my ex ?

 

[Cadoras]

No.

*plonks*

I am DoppelGangerChameleonTemporaryCaddlebearBear.

I am above colour.

oooh!! cept that pretty purple with the green polka dots...can I be that??

Oh, of course you can be Pretty Purple with Green Polka Dots! *Nodses*

You'll look so cool!

 

[Cadoras]

*Snaffles all those huggles before I have to run off to work.......it's a long ride.

Leaves some for both Caddlebear and Appy too *

Hmmmms.... Are you getting the huggles to drive the car for you?

*Eyes Tralalala suspiciously*

One of them might be qualified... I'm not sure.....

 

[Cadoras]

Why does the image in my mirror appear to have a reddish tint right after I've been dealing with my ex ?

*Glances at the image in your mirror*

Aha! I see what the problem is here.....

You see.... You aren't actually red.... At least not very red.... Maybe only a very little bit red.... *Points at your eyes* They're all red though! They have the little rage filters activated..... So when you look at people that are somewhat angry, you can see their rage..... *Nods* It's why you should always turn off your rage filters before you drive... Just incase there's an angry green light!

I guess that even traffic lights have people that rub them the wrong way and make them angry...... *Sigh*

 

[asian_princess]

Why does the image in my mirror appear to have a reddish tint right after I've been dealing with my ex ?

cos.

Appy was throwing tomatoes at you for doing that thing she hates.

 

[NorthernPA4U]

*Glances at the image in your mirror*

Aha! I see what the problem is here.....

You see.... You aren't actually red.... At least not very red.... Maybe only a very little bit red.... *Points at your eyes* They're all red though! They have the little rage filters activated..... So when you look at people that are somewhat angry, you can see their rage..... *Nods* It's why you should always turn off your rage filters before you drive... Just incase there's an angry green light!

I guess that even traffic lights have people that rub them the wrong way and make them angry...... *Sigh*

So I'm filtering out other people's rage? That makes perfect sense, and goes along with what I've been asserting! Thanks! (I assume this is a general situation here, right?)

 

[southerntierguy]

cos.

Appy was throwing tomatoes at you for doing that thing she hates.

You've hate dealing with my ex, too?

 

[asian_princess]

You've hate dealing with my ex, too?

only cos you said I can't use a monkey wrench on her in creative ways.

why must you always stunt my need to express myself artistically?

 

[Essa]

So you're the one that's been going around stealing the eyes of glass people? I heard about that on the news.... I wasn't too worried though, I mean I'm not a glass person.... But I guess that'll teach them not to build glass houses that we can't throw stones in! *Gwares at the glass people*

That sounds like an absolutely wonderful way to get some vodka! I mean, I'll get my vodka personally served to me by you! Yay! I am so honoured! *Noddles* I'll have to celebrate this event every year! *Marks it on calendar* A cracked cup to drink from? I'd be so fancy! Drinking vodka from my cracked cup, following you with your huge barrel of vodka! Let's go! Of course you'd win our competition! You have lots of experience in hitting peasants with sticks

That salad stuff is tricky.... Spontaneous combustion and all that.... I've heard of entire fields just bursting into flames.... While it was snowing! Strange..... I'm sure that those poor children were just so awed by your presence that they went insane and started seeing things... So they were laughing at their hallucinations... Then when you hit them with the rocks, they snapped out of it! You're their saviour! *Nods*

Well, you know how crazy that mouseman sacrificing business can get... You've got little mousy parts all over the place... And authentic mouseman cuisine being sold close by.... With all profits going to you, of course! It's brilliant!

Wows.... You're going to double your owl army? Tawny and Owly? One male and one female? Then they could breed you the ultimate owl! I don't even know what that one would be called..... It would be amazing! No rest for the moles....

A few stitches? That'll be all that's holding my skull together? *Sigh* Hey! Ow! Your age wasn't even on the trophy.... That was just the year that the trophy was established in.... See? *Points* The trophy is starting to look dented.... Why do I think I'll be blamed for this?

I can't look at it and laugh... I do giggle a little though.... I wouldn't want to get in trouble with you.... Giggling is the most I can do! Don't worry about me! I have excellent control! I can giggle for hours without wetting myself... I do it all the time! No need to die of dehydration here.....

I'm just wondering... Could you demonstrate how to use this hair straightener? Exactly how you straighten your own hair with it? I can't see how it would work... Being all traplike.... Maybe if you wrote instructions too? With that pen of yours.....

Yes! Dodo brains are super tasty.... I've even been getting offers from major companies, that want the secret recipe..... KFD they want to call it..... But I said it was all up to you!

Yes! Exactly.... They need to remember where they've come from.... Bunch of snobs! *Sighs at the snobbery in the universe*

*Sends you a bunch of friends with super expensive price tags on them!* Here you go! 6 of the most expensive friends around! Yay! Oh no! Maybe the postman stole the present I sent to you... And now he's avoiding you so you won't find out! Get him! He has a delivery man nose! *Nods*

Awwwww! I marvel at you! *Nods* I really do! *Marvels at you* See?

That's a good idea... But the pea shooter wouldn't work... Those clouds would be on to you in seconds.... Then they'd send down lightning bolts to fry anyone that even thought about pea shooters! They're very crafty....

Well, that's because you're such a skilled haggler.... These teachers don't know anything about haggling, so they just pay the outrageous prices they're charged... It's why they need a raise..... Poor unskilled teachers... *Sighs*

*Hefts club* I'm ready! Let's go get those builders! They'll never know what hit em.... Think they're asleep?

Oh, right! We'd have ourselves an international building crisis if the builder's weren't given the opportunity to tan their bums..... There'd be outrage and rioting in the streets! Someone would catch a glimpse of blinding white builder and it'd all be downhill from there... We must allow our builders to continue dressing as they do! For the good all mankind!

Urgh... Granny huggles.....

What you may not know about the dreaded granny huggle.... Is that it is actually very similar to a technique employed by vampires.... They however just push your life out of you, instead of sucking it.... The granny then breathes in the life force.... Which is why some little old ladies are capable of living for well over a hundred years... She steals the lifeforce from her younger family members.... Diminishing their lives and sustaining her own! She is truly a creature to be feared.... Watch out!

*Huggles Essa!* Hope you have a great one!

Wow I’m famous, did you get to see me on the telly, how was my hair? Was I oodling fashion sense and what did you think of my expert shot? Think very carefully before you answer the first two questions.

I don’t blame you for wanting to celebrate this remarkable event every year, I mean who else gets the luxury of having a swig of my voddy? I’ve been known to kill before just because someone glanced at it. You may count yourself as very special indeed. I have the most experience of anyone I know, peasant sticking isn’t really very popular around these parts, who cares, each to their own I say.

Salad is very tricky to cook, I once left a lettuce leaf simmering and when I came back to it the kitchen ceiling was on fire, you’d think the salad people would at least put a warning on the packet, I mean salad is after all supposed to be good for you, not burn you to death. I believe you’re correct about those angelic children, though I must say they didn’t look that angelic with blood pouring out of their heads

My squillion is becoming more likely every second, if you accept my invitation to come work for me with no pay, my chances will be doubled

The ultimate owl would definitely be called…Tawny Owl, took me ages to think of that, quite appropriate don’t you think?

A few stitches will hold it together no probs, unless I decide to attack you with my pirate prodder. Oh dear, you’re quite right it wasn’t my age after all, so sorry. *Examines trophy* Look what you’ve done, you’ve dented it now, *hits caddlebear with the trophy, with immense force on top of his stitches*

You wouldn’t get into any trouble, I allow giggling, wow you can giggle for hours without wetting yourself? I’m lucky if I make twenty seconds, not that it’s my age or anything, everyone knows how young I am.

Damn, erm…well it’s something like this…you take a piece of frizzy hair, put it in the caddlebe…erm…hair straightening machine, tell you what how about I just show you, let me put your hair in and then we’ll both be happy.

KFD? Sounds cool to me, don’t forget though you’ll have to prance around in a giant dodo suit, just for promotion like, not that I’d want to laugh at you or anything.

Hey, don’t sigh at snobs, I am the greatest snob of all and you pretend to like me..

Woohoo six expensive friends, you’re so kind *huggles you and puts them in the shed to keep the others company* The posty stole my present? *Makes a mental note to get up early tomorrow and lie in wait for him with an empty vodka bottle*

Awwww I see, could you marvel a little more, twice isn’t really enough for me

Lightening can be good, maybe it would finally straighten my hair for me, a free make-over what more could a girl want?

Teachers are no way unskilled, they know about Shakespeare and everything, poor teachers, what crappy lives they must have lived

Hope they’re asleep, I’m to much of a coward to take them on in real life, will you go first?

I love builders bums, do you know it’s not a summer here unless you see a dozen or so of them, they’re so brash, no fashion sense whatsoever, unlike me

Granny huggles are like vampires, wow, I always wondered why when she huggled she sucked, now I know, but may I ask you Caddlebear why does Granny suck eggs?

I’m having a real drunken good one, hope you are too, huggles, snuggles and kisses
__________________

 

[Cadoras]

So I'm filtering out other people's rage? That makes perfect sense, and goes along with what I've been asserting! Thanks! (I assume this is a general situation here, right?)

Well, of course you are! As long as you're using those rage filters properly! Yep, it applies to everyone! Well, except those few people that are born without them.....

 

[Cadoras]

Wow I’m famous, did you get to see me on the telly, how was my hair? Was I oodling fashion sense and what did you think of my expert shot? Think very carefully before you answer the first two questions.

I don’t blame you for wanting to celebrate this remarkable event every year, I mean who else gets the luxury of having a swig of my voddy? I’ve been known to kill before just because someone glanced at it. You may count yourself as very special indeed. I have the most experience of anyone I know, peasant sticking isn’t really very popular around these parts, who cares, each to their own I say.

Salad is very tricky to cook, I once left a lettuce leaf simmering and when I came back to it the kitchen ceiling was on fire, you’d think the salad people would at least put a warning on the packet, I mean salad is after all supposed to be good for you, not burn you to death. I believe you’re correct about those angelic children, though I must say they didn’t look that angelic with blood pouring out of their heads

My squillion is becoming more likely every second, if you accept my invitation to come work for me with no pay, my chances will be doubled

The ultimate owl would definitely be called…Tawny Owl, took me ages to think of that, quite appropriate don’t you think?

A few stitches will hold it together no probs, unless I decide to attack you with my pirate prodder. Oh dear, you’re quite right it wasn’t my age after all, so sorry. *Examines trophy* Look what you’ve done, you’ve dented it now, *hits caddlebear with the trophy, with immense force on top of his stitches*

You wouldn’t get into any trouble, I allow giggling, wow you can giggle for hours without wetting yourself? I’m lucky if I make twenty seconds, not that it’s my age or anything, everyone knows how young I am.

Damn, erm…well it’s something like this…you take a piece of frizzy hair, put it in the caddlebe…erm…hair straightening machine, tell you what how about I just show you, let me put your hair in and then we’ll both be happy.

KFD? Sounds cool to me, don’t forget though you’ll have to prance around in a giant dodo suit, just for promotion like, not that I’d want to laugh at you or anything.

Hey, don’t sigh at snobs, I am the greatest snob of all and you pretend to like me..

Woohoo six expensive friends, you’re so kind *huggles you and puts them in the shed to keep the others company* The posty stole my present? *Makes a mental note to get up early tomorrow and lie in wait for him with an empty vodka bottle*

Awwww I see, could you marvel a little more, twice isn’t really enough for me

Lightening can be good, maybe it would finally straighten my hair for me, a free make-over what more could a girl want?

Teachers are no way unskilled, they know about Shakespeare and everything, poor teachers, what crappy lives they must have lived

Hope they’re asleep, I’m to much of a coward to take them on in real life, will you go first?

I love builders bums, do you know it’s not a summer here unless you see a dozen or so of them, they’re so brash, no fashion sense whatsoever, unlike me

Granny huggles are like vampires, wow, I always wondered why when she huggled she sucked, now I know, but may I ask you Caddlebear why does Granny suck eggs?

I’m having a real drunken good one, hope you are too, huggles, snuggles and kisses
__________________

You were simply fabulous! What I could see anyway.... Those evil tv people didn't have any clear shots... They weren't even sure it was you.... But I could feel your fashion sense all the way over here.... Even with the poor photography.... It was overwhelming! *Marvels at you*

*Counts self* Yep! Very lucky indeed.... Now if only I could figure out the perfect way to celebrate this momentous occasion.... Maybe I should throw a huge vodka party! That would be a great thing! People love vodka parties! *Glances around nervously* I won't be killed for drinking it, will I? But I think that once we sell the tv rights to the peasant sticking, it will really take off as a sport.... You're be the world champion peasant sticker!

I have been writing letters to the salad companies for years! And it's not just the tendency to burst into flames..... I once almost cut my own hand off when I handled a lettuce leaf the wrong way..... Those things are just too dangerous! It is my belief that the salad companies are trying to eliminate those people that don't buy their product on a regular basis.... Those unsuspecting individuals that simply aren't prepared for the dangers of salad preparation.... *Shakes fist* Damn you Salad! But children do need to learn these things... I mean if it weren't for you, they'd never know that rocks hurt.....

Work for you? No pay? Are there any benefits here? Apart from the sheer joy of getting the opportunity to work for you, I mean! Because I do feel very honoured! *Huggles Essa*

Oh, wow! Tawny Owl? That's amazifying! I couldn't even come up with anything, then you come in with this stupendous name! It's just perfect! You'll rule the universe!

Ow! OW! OW!!! Could you please stop hitting me in the head with that blood covered trophy? *Mutters* It's starting to hurt.... And you'll never get those bloodstains out of your clothes! *Shakes head sadly* You're just lucky I have a hard head!

I can giggle for hours! *Nods* I think I have more problems with giving myself a headache from giggling too much, than any of the other stuff..... I shall remember not to make you giggle for more than 19 seconds! We wouldn't want any accidents!

No, that's okay.... I shall take your word for it.... Really.... I wouldn't want you to think that I don't believe you.... Hair straightener, right? *Backs away from the Caddlebear trap* I am sure you get loads of use out of it! Very handy thing! *Nods*

Hmmmmmm.... Would I really have to prance around in a giant dodo suit? I mean, I'd think that the wonderful food would be enough to get the customers in... And I'd be worried that they might try to eat me... You know how these hungry people can get....

I don't pretend to like you! You're a very lovely snob! The most nicest snob that there ever was *Nods*

Just make sure you keep those price tags on them..... Don't want to get them mixed up with the delivery men when it comes time for nose removal, right? Hmmmmm, I don't mean to tell you how to hunt your postmen.... But shouldn't you have a full bottle of vodka as well? Gotta have something to drink!

*Marvels at Essa's marvellousness!* I am sure you have loads of people marvelling at you that you don't even know about! *Nods*

Well, I guess that the lightning might help you straighten your hair.... But I've heard rumours about other effects of lightning! Some people even say it's more painful than a pirate prodder to the brain! Scary stuff.....

Oh sure.... They know about Shakespeare and stuff, but that doesn't help them when it comes to getting a bargain.... Some have tried it.... But they start quoting Shakespeare and end up paying even more! It's an outrage....

Of course I'll go first! Just don't yell and wake them all up.... We'll just go around hitting them really hard in the head, then run away..... It's a great plan!

*Gwares at the unfashionable builders* Why can't you be all fashionable and fancy like Essa? Then you'd get all the pretty girls! You stupid builders! *Sighs*

Yes! It's something that those grannies have been trying to hide for centuries now.... There are even rumours of dark cults of thousand year old grannies, capturing young children and sucking the life out of them...... It's horrible!

Well.... What I might've neglected to mention, was the fact that a granny doesn't only need the lifeforce of other humans to survive..... She might also choose to use the life of another creature.... Say the potential life of an unborn chick? These grannies are incredibly crafty and will use the sneakiest of ways to get what they need..... If you ever seen a granny that has her own chickens... You can almost guarantee that she has evil purposes for it.... Those chickens aren't kept around just for fun!

*Huggles and snugglesness for Essa!* Hope you aren't too hungover

 

[Essa]

You were simply fabulous! What I could see anyway.... Those evil tv people didn't have any clear shots... They weren't even sure it was you.... But I could feel your fashion sense all the way over here.... Even with the poor photography.... It was overwhelming! *Marvels at you*

*Counts self* Yep! Very lucky indeed.... Now if only I could figure out the perfect way to celebrate this momentous occasion.... Maybe I should throw a huge vodka party! That would be a great thing! People love vodka parties! *Glances around nervously* I won't be killed for drinking it, will I? But I think that once we sell the tv rights to the peasant sticking, it will really take off as a sport.... You're be the world champion peasant sticker!

I have been writing letters to the salad companies for years! And it's not just the tendency to burst into flames..... I once almost cut my own hand off when I handled a lettuce leaf the wrong way..... Those things are just too dangerous! It is my belief that the salad companies are trying to eliminate those people that don't buy their product on a regular basis.... Those unsuspecting individuals that simply aren't prepared for the dangers of salad preparation.... *Shakes fist* Damn you Salad! But children do need to learn these things... I mean if it weren't for you, they'd never know that rocks hurt.....

Work for you? No pay? Are there any benefits here? Apart from the sheer joy of getting the opportunity to work for you, I mean! Because I do feel very honoured! *Huggles Essa*

Oh, wow! Tawny Owl? That's amazifying! I couldn't even come up with anything, then you come in with this stupendous name! It's just perfect! You'll rule the universe!

Ow! OW! OW!!! Could you please stop hitting me in the head with that blood covered trophy? *Mutters* It's starting to hurt.... And you'll never get those bloodstains out of your clothes! *Shakes head sadly* You're just lucky I have a hard head!

I can giggle for hours! *Nods* I think I have more problems with giving myself a headache from giggling too much, than any of the other stuff..... I shall remember not to make you giggle for more than 19 seconds! We wouldn't want any accidents!

No, that's okay.... I shall take your word for it.... Really.... I wouldn't want you to think that I don't believe you.... Hair straightener, right? *Backs away from the Caddlebear trap* I am sure you get loads of use out of it! Very handy thing! *Nods*

Hmmmmmm.... Would I really have to prance around in a giant dodo suit? I mean, I'd think that the wonderful food would be enough to get the customers in... And I'd be worried that they might try to eat me... You know how these hungry people can get....

I don't pretend to like you! You're a very lovely snob! The most nicest snob that there ever was *Nods*

Just make sure you keep those price tags on them..... Don't want to get them mixed up with the delivery men when it comes time for nose removal, right? Hmmmmm, I don't mean to tell you how to hunt your postmen.... But shouldn't you have a full bottle of vodka as well? Gotta have something to drink!

*Marvels at Essa's marvellousness!* I am sure you have loads of people marvelling at you that you don't even know about! *Nods*

Well, I guess that the lightning might help you straighten your hair.... But I've heard rumours about other effects of lightning! Some people even say it's more painful than a pirate prodder to the brain! Scary stuff.....

Oh sure.... They know about Shakespeare and stuff, but that doesn't help them when it comes to getting a bargain.... Some have tried it.... But they start quoting Shakespeare and end up paying even more! It's an outrage....

Of course I'll go first! Just don't yell and wake them all up.... We'll just go around hitting them really hard in the head, then run away..... It's a great plan!

*Gwares at the unfashionable builders* Why can't you be all fashionable and fancy like Essa? Then you'd get all the pretty girls! You stupid builders! *Sighs*

Yes! It's something that those grannies have been trying to hide for centuries now.... There are even rumours of dark cults of thousand year old grannies, capturing young children and sucking the life out of them...... It's horrible!

Well.... What I might've neglected to mention, was the fact that a granny doesn't only need the lifeforce of other humans to survive..... She might also choose to use the life of another creature.... Say the potential life of an unborn chick? These grannies are incredibly crafty and will use the sneakiest of ways to get what they need..... If you ever seen a granny that has her own chickens... You can almost guarantee that she has evil purposes for it.... Those chickens aren't kept around just for fun!

*Huggles and snugglesness for Essa!* Hope you aren't too hungover

No clear shots? *stamps feet* I specifically asked for every shot of me to be clear and concise, you realised it was me anyway? Fandabedozie, mind you who else but me would wear a ra ra skirt and blue legwarmers?

A huge vodka party? Sounds maginifico, I wouldn’t kill you for drinking my voddy, what kind of woman do you take me for? Torture you yes, but kill you definitely not. We can get the tv people so drunk we can sell the rights to peasant sticking for 79 squllion, by the time they wake up it’ll be to late, god you’re so ruthless thinking up such a devious plan.

You’re not gonna believe this I once cut open a tomato and the damn pips squirted me right in the eye, I staggered about and fell onto a celery stick, boy do they hurt, I couldn’t sit down properly for days. I complained bitterly and you know what they said? Nothing, they put the phone down on me. Do they not realise who I am? I got my own back though, I chopped the tomato and celery into tiny little pieces and squished them under my 5 inch heel, I felt so much better

I don’t see anything wrong in working for me with no pay, everyone else does it and they don’t moan, well not to my face anyway. Feeling honoured is reward enough wouldn’t you say? How the hell am I supposed make my money if people expect me to pay them, where’s the logic in that?

I already do rule the universe, thank you for your observation, I’ve even looked further ahead than that, when they have another baby I found the perfect name…AnotherTawny Owl, just how cool is that?

Aww I’m sorry I thought hard headed people didn’t feel pain, or maybe that’s just me, don’t worry about the bloodstains, I’m sure you’ll find a suitable way of getting them out when I send you my washing.

I reckon 19 seconds is my limit, though on a good day I’ve managed 19 and a half, I wouldn’t worry to much about accidents, I’ll just give you a mop to clean it up.

Yes, you would have to prance around in a giant dodo suit, and if the people try to eat you I’m afraid that’s just one of the perks, we need to let them think we’re sweet and generous so that when they’re presented with our extortionate bill at the end of their meal, they would have had such a good time they’ll pay double. See how brainy I am?

I haven’t had an expensive nose in ages, those delivery Men’s nostrils are just downright yucky, I might just accidentally on purpose mix them up, just for a laugh mind, nothing serious. Gosh I never thought about that, of course I’d need a full bottle of voddy, problem is where on earth would I find one in the morning, I can’t be trusted to save a full one from the night before, my plan’s are in ruins and it’s all your fault, *sobs, wails then sobs again very loudly*

I do don’t I? There I go again, marvelling at the marvellousness of the marvellous me

Scary stuff indeed, I think we should test it out, next time there’s a storm you may climb on to the top of a church and wait for the lightening to strike, once your brains been frazzled you may return to where I’m sitting (in the dry supping my voddy) and let me know if it is indeed worse than a pirate prod, we can’t have lightening thinking it’s got the better of us now can we?

I’ve seen it with my own eyes, a teacher went to a shop and brought a dress, when she got to the till it was half price, a small argument ensued with the shopkeeper saying the dress is definitely this price, it ended with the teacher saying "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." And the end result? The teacher ended up paying the full price and with a parting shout of “And thus I clothe my naked villainy” she left, stupid woman. Shakespeare has no place at all in the world of shopping.

Yelling and waking them up is the best part, how about I do a small yell from the safety of a head start, sadly I’m not very good at running. I can shatter windows with my gob but I haven’t a hope in hell of escaping afterwards.

Sounds pretty good to me, I mean children have to be punished and what better way than a thousand year old granny sucking the life out of them, it would stop crime and everything.

Those poor defenceless chicks, we need to do something, how about a cull of granny’s? I think we’ve lived long enough with their ridiculous cardigans and shoes, not to mention their hairy chins. Why do they have hairy chins?

I was severely hungover, still am and it’s now Sunday, I shall never drink again,,,untill tonight that is…

*masses of huggles and snuggles for a stupendous Sunday*

 

[Cadoras]

No clear shots? *stamps feet* I specifically asked for every shot of me to be clear and concise, you realised it was me anyway? Fandabedozie, mind you who else but me would wear a ra ra skirt and blue legwarmers?

A huge vodka party? Sounds maginifico, I wouldn’t kill you for drinking my voddy, what kind of woman do you take me for? Torture you yes, but kill you definitely not. We can get the tv people so drunk we can sell the rights to peasant sticking for 79 squllion, by the time they wake up it’ll be to late, god you’re so ruthless thinking up such a devious plan.

You’re not gonna believe this I once cut open a tomato and the damn pips squirted me right in the eye, I staggered about and fell onto a celery stick, boy do they hurt, I couldn’t sit down properly for days. I complained bitterly and you know what they said? Nothing, they put the phone down on me. Do they not realise who I am? I got my own back though, I chopped the tomato and celery into tiny little pieces and squished them under my 5 inch heel, I felt so much better

I don’t see anything wrong in working for me with no pay, everyone else does it and they don’t moan, well not to my face anyway. Feeling honoured is reward enough wouldn’t you say? How the hell am I supposed make my money if people expect me to pay them, where’s the logic in that?

I already do rule the universe, thank you for your observation, I’ve even looked further ahead than that, when they have another baby I found the perfect name…AnotherTawny Owl, just how cool is that?

Aww I’m sorry I thought hard headed people didn’t feel pain, or maybe that’s just me, don’t worry about the bloodstains, I’m sure you’ll find a suitable way of getting them out when I send you my washing.

I reckon 19 seconds is my limit, though on a good day I’ve managed 19 and a half, I wouldn’t worry to much about accidents, I’ll just give you a mop to clean it up.

Yes, you would have to prance around in a giant dodo suit, and if the people try to eat you I’m afraid that’s just one of the perks, we need to let them think we’re sweet and generous so that when they’re presented with our extortionate bill at the end of their meal, they would have had such a good time they’ll pay double. See how brainy I am?

I haven’t had an expensive nose in ages, those delivery Men’s nostrils are just downright yucky, I might just accidentally on purpose mix them up, just for a laugh mind, nothing serious. Gosh I never thought about that, of course I’d need a full bottle of voddy, problem is where on earth would I find one in the morning, I can’t be trusted to save a full one from the night before, my plan’s are in ruins and it’s all your fault, *sobs, wails then sobs again very loudly*

I do don’t I? There I go again, marvelling at the marvellousness of the marvellous me

Scary stuff indeed, I think we should test it out, next time there’s a storm you may climb on to the top of a church and wait for the lightening to strike, once your brains been frazzled you may return to where I’m sitting (in the dry supping my voddy) and let me know if it is indeed worse than a pirate prod, we can’t have lightening thinking it’s got the better of us now can we?

I’ve seen it with my own eyes, a teacher went to a shop and brought a dress, when she got to the till it was half price, a small argument ensued with the shopkeeper saying the dress is definitely this price, it ended with the teacher saying "The lady doth protest too much, methinks." And the end result? The teacher ended up paying the full price and with a parting shout of “And thus I clothe my naked villainy” she left, stupid woman. Shakespeare has no place at all in the world of shopping.

Yelling and waking them up is the best part, how about I do a small yell from the safety of a head start, sadly I’m not very good at running. I can shatter windows with my gob but I haven’t a hope in hell of escaping afterwards.

Sounds pretty good to me, I mean children have to be punished and what better way than a thousand year old granny sucking the life out of them, it would stop crime and everything.

Those poor defenceless chicks, we need to do something, how about a cull of granny’s? I think we’ve lived long enough with their ridiculous cardigans and shoes, not to mention their hairy chins. Why do they have hairy chins?

I was severely hungover, still am and it’s now Sunday, I shall never drink again,,,untill tonight that is…

*masses of huggles and snuggles for a stupendous Sunday*

Oh, I'm sure they took clear shots! But then they blurred them! Those bastards..... But don't worry, I could clearly see your excellent fashion sense shining through.... You looked marvellous! *Nods*

Hmmmmm.... What kind of torture are we talking about? I'm just slightly worried that you may threaten to not let me drink any vodka.... That's just cruel! You wouldn't torture me like that, would you? *Crosses fingers* Oh yeah! It'll be so easy to get those tv people drunk..... And well.... I'm pretty sure that with your persuasiveness, we could even get the tv people to be the first participants! You'll be rich and we'll get to beat up those tv people! So much fun!

Okay.... I'm not going to ask for the details on what happened with that celery stick when you fell down.... Those Saladistic bastards! They're never willing to listen to the legitimate complaints of their customers! *Sighs* I fear it will take deaths before they take any action to help...... But I am glad that you taught that salad a lesson! Someone has to! *Huggles for Heroic Essa!*

Well.... I did have an idea there.... It's almost the same as not paying anyone.... You could just pay me..... I'm super handy to have around! I even dress up and stuff.... And I can double your squillions making potential, so paying me isn't really that bad an investment..... Really!

*Collapses in awe* Oh wow! AnotherTawny Owl? That's amazifying! You shall be the uncontested ruler of time and space! Or um... Are you already the uncontested ruler of time and space? I don't remember reading that.... So I thought you might not be yet.....

I think us hard headed people only feel pain when it's from a very special person! That must be it... Oh, you're sending me your washing? I guess I'll need to pay the postage on that, right? I'm sure there's a good way for me to get the stains out! *Nods*

Really.... I could just not make you giggle too much.... Then we wouldn't need to worry about cleaning up! It would save lots of time and stuff.... I'm sure.... And it'd be far less messy!

Well, okay.... I'll wear the dodo suit.... But you have to remember that if anyone tries to eat me.... You'll have to charge them 20 times the normal price! I'm not a cheap meal! *Nods* I have an idea for you..... Why not give them a menu with prices.... But have the real price be 10 times as much? Have some small print that mentions it.... Once they eat, it's too late! And we don't need to worry about them coming back, because we've made loads off them already...

Oh, I'm sure they wouldn't really mind having their noses eaten... That's what friends are for.... Maybe you'll even find out that one of your expensive friends happens to be a delivery man! That would be amazing! Wait, I have a plan! It will save you.... Catch the postman in the afternoon.... You'll have fresh vodka by then and can hunt him down properly.... Those postmen get slower the later in the day it is..... They even sleep at night!

*Marvels some more* I just can't stop marvelling at your marvellousness! How strange!

While I am sure that your idea is very brilliant.... I think I may have another idea.... We can get those tv people to agree to climb up on the church, after their appearance on the peasant sticking show.... We'll milk them for all they're worth! It'll be so much fun.... And you'll be able to prod their brains with your pirate prodder! Brilliant! Your squillions are virtually made!

I know! Those teachers are just stupid when it comes to shopping.... It's a wonder they can even afford to feed themselves with such inferior skills..... *Shakes head sadly* There's not much we can do for them though.... It's the way they've been trained.... It takes away their ability to function in normal society.... It's why a lot of them say that teaching is their life..... It really is....

Oh! What you should do is shatter all the windows then! It'll give us a great opportunity to hit them with clubs while they're stunned! They'll never work out what's going on.... They're not the fastest people.....

What we should do is have a granny in every school! Chain it up and feed children to it, if they misbehave.... Something like that should cut down on any misbehaving, almost instantly! If you have a problem child, it's off to the granny with them.... It'll work so well!

Hmmmmm... We can't really kill them all.... The problem is that they play the feeble card, then by the time you realise what's going on, it's too late and the granny's got you! Maybe we should just recruit them for our child management plans? I mean if the grannies are getting paid... They'd be more than willing! We can even make them wear a uniform!

Hairy chins? Now, you may think that I'm going to say it's related to everything else.... But.... This is because most grannies are already working on reincarnation.... And the most efficient way for a granny to do this is to start chaning her appearance to that of the thing she wants to reincarnate as.... Shockingly, most grannies want to come back as men.... Now, you or I may choose to come back as a Pigeon or a Penguin... But these grannies just want to gain the special powers of a Grandpa.... So they spend their later years ensuring that they will be one in their next life! *Nodulates*

*Leaves a super special basket of huggles and vodka for Essa* Happy Monday! Enjoy yourself And I'll talk to you soon!

 

[Essa]

Oh, I'm sure they took clear shots! But then they blurred them! Those bastards..... But don't worry, I could clearly see your excellent fashion sense shining through.... You looked marvellous! *Nods*

Hmmmmm.... What kind of torture are we talking about? I'm just slightly worried that you may threaten to not let me drink any vodka.... That's just cruel! You wouldn't torture me like that, would you? *Crosses fingers* Oh yeah! It'll be so easy to get those tv people drunk..... And well.... I'm pretty sure that with your persuasiveness, we could even get the tv people to be the first participants! You'll be rich and we'll get to beat up those tv people! So much fun!

Okay.... I'm not going to ask for the details on what happened with that celery stick when you fell down.... Those Saladistic bastards! They're never willing to listen to the legitimate complaints of their customers! *Sighs* I fear it will take deaths before they take any action to help...... But I am glad that you taught that salad a lesson! Someone has to! *Huggles for Heroic Essa!*

Well.... I did have an idea there.... It's almost the same as not paying anyone.... You could just pay me..... I'm super handy to have around! I even dress up and stuff.... And I can double your squillions making potential, so paying me isn't really that bad an investment..... Really!

*Collapses in awe* Oh wow! AnotherTawny Owl? That's amazifying! You shall be the uncontested ruler of time and space! Or um... Are you already the uncontested ruler of time and space? I don't remember reading that.... So I thought you might not be yet.....

I think us hard headed people only feel pain when it's from a very special person! That must be it... Oh, you're sending me your washing? I guess I'll need to pay the postage on that, right? I'm sure there's a good way for me to get the stains out! *Nods*

Really.... I could just not make you giggle too much.... Then we wouldn't need to worry about cleaning up! It would save lots of time and stuff.... I'm sure.... And it'd be far less messy!

Well, okay.... I'll wear the dodo suit.... But you have to remember that if anyone tries to eat me.... You'll have to charge them 20 times the normal price! I'm not a cheap meal! *Nods* I have an idea for you..... Why not give them a menu with prices.... But have the real price be 10 times as much? Have some small print that mentions it.... Once they eat, it's too late! And we don't need to worry about them coming back, because we've made loads off them already...

Oh, I'm sure they wouldn't really mind having their noses eaten... That's what friends are for.... Maybe you'll even find out that one of your expensive friends happens to be a delivery man! That would be amazing! Wait, I have a plan! It will save you.... Catch the postman in the afternoon.... You'll have fresh vodka by then and can hunt him down properly.... Those postmen get slower the later in the day it is..... They even sleep at night!

*Marvels some more* I just can't stop marvelling at your marvellousness! How strange!

While I am sure that your idea is very brilliant.... I think I may have another idea.... We can get those tv people to agree to climb up on the church, after their appearance on the peasant sticking show.... We'll milk them for all they're worth! It'll be so much fun.... And you'll be able to prod their brains with your pirate prodder! Brilliant! Your squillions are virtually made!

I know! Those teachers are just stupid when it comes to shopping.... It's a wonder they can even afford to feed themselves with such inferior skills..... *Shakes head sadly* There's not much we can do for them though.... It's the way they've been trained.... It takes away their ability to function in normal society.... It's why a lot of them say that teaching is their life..... It really is....

Oh! What you should do is shatter all the windows then! It'll give us a great opportunity to hit them with clubs while they're stunned! They'll never work out what's going on.... They're not the fastest people.....

What we should do is have a granny in every school! Chain it up and feed children to it, if they misbehave.... Something like that should cut down on any misbehaving, almost instantly! If you have a problem child, it's off to the granny with them.... It'll work so well!

Hmmmmm... We can't really kill them all.... The problem is that they play the feeble card, then by the time you realise what's going on, it's too late and the granny's got you! Maybe we should just recruit them for our child management plans? I mean if the grannies are getting paid... They'd be more than willing! We can even make them wear a uniform!

Hairy chins? Now, you may think that I'm going to say it's related to everything else.... But.... This is because most grannies are already working on reincarnation.... And the most efficient way for a granny to do this is to start chaning her appearance to that of the thing she wants to reincarnate as.... Shockingly, most grannies want to come back as men.... Now, you or I may choose to come back as a Pigeon or a Penguin... But these grannies just want to gain the special powers of a Grandpa.... So they spend their later years ensuring that they will be one in their next life! *Nodulates*

*Leaves a super special basket of huggles and vodka for Essa* Happy Monday! Enjoy yourself And I'll talk to you soon!

See, I’m even to fashion wise for the telly, they only blurred my shots ‘cause I’m way better than any of them could ever hope to be.

Hey, that was my torturous plan, you’ve gone and ruined it now, how come you know all of my devious bits before I’ve told you? You’re not a caddlebear after all are you? You’re one of those secretive sevenish type people, I knew not to trust you. Beating tv people up is way better than beating peasants, we could steal their cameras film it and then put it on mytube, I’ll be even more famous than I am now

Of course you can ask what happened, as long as your over eighteen you shouldn’t be offended, here goes…I fell down, the celery stick went up my ear, loads of blood and everything, I was so brave. Saladistic bastards is the perfect name for them wish I’d thought of that, oh hang on I did, you really must remember to stop pinching my best lines it’s so unladylike of you.

It’s a wonderful idea, sadly it won’t work, you might very well be super handy to have around and I’ve no doubt when you dress up you look cute, but how can you double my squillions if I have to pay you, I really don’t feel you’ve put a lot of effort into that idea at all.

You really haven’t been doing your homework have you? I just don’t know what to do with you, I was crowned the uncontested ruler of time and space last year, remember? you were there cheering me on and everything.

If the pain is from someone as special as me then people should rejoice in it. You know I’m skint, I can’t afford postage, please remember to get the bits of brain out as well as the blood, I don’t want people thinking I’m some sort of header

But I like giggling and nobody makes me giggle as much as you, how about you buy a stop watch and a gag and when I’ve reached 18 seconds of giggleness, stuff the gag in me gob, good plan?

Excellent, I’ll make an entrepreneur of you yet, when they come back to moan though you’ll have to say it had nothing to do with me, you sort them out and I’ll sit in the backroom fanning myself with wads of cash.

Postmen sleep at night? You sure about that, I don’t actually think I believe you, you can’t be telling the truth ‘cause if they’re in bed then who puts the date stamps on the letters? Trying to fool me there wasn’t you, I’m on to your game mate. The fact of the matter is you haven’t sent me anything have you? You were quite prepared for an innocent posty to be whacked around the head with a voddy bottle than admit the truth, how do you sleep at night?

Is it kind to marvel at someone and call them strange at the same time? Gee, I must be one hell of a marvellous marvel


Do you know, your idea is better than mine, how can that be? No matter, it’s to good an opportunity to pass on, you do realise you’ll have to get on to the roof first to entice them up, I’m very sorry but I can’t possibly climb in my shoes, I promise I’ll try not to bash your brain to many times with my prodder, but you have to understand…accidents will happen.

We must be very careful not to get any glass in the builders sand, I don’t mind clubbing them half to death but I’d get a little upset if I wasn’t allowed to sunbathe there any more.

Damn, well if we really can’t kill them, your plan it’ll have to be, as long as they dress up in a French maids uniform, definitely not pinny and curlers, I think we’ll be on to a winner.

Yuck, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to come back as a grandpa, all they do is snore while the tellys on full blast and worse, they eat werther’s originals think I’ll stick to being a pigeon.

Why caddlebear has a ginormous eruption of a stye landed on my good eye and proceeded to shut it tight when it knows I’m going out soon?

aww I love super special baskets of huggles but not as much as voddy *sends you one of them posh picnic hampers filled with huggles back to you*

Have a wonderful night
__________________

 

[Cadoras]

See, I’m even to fashion wise for the telly, they only blurred my shots ‘cause I’m way better than any of them could ever hope to be.

Hey, that was my torturous plan, you’ve gone and ruined it now, how come you know all of my devious bits before I’ve told you? You’re not a caddlebear after all are you? You’re one of those secretive sevenish type people, I knew not to trust you. Beating tv people up is way better than beating peasants, we could steal their cameras film it and then put it on mytube, I’ll be even more famous than I am now

Of course you can ask what happened, as long as your over eighteen you shouldn’t be offended, here goes…I fell down, the celery stick went up my ear, loads of blood and everything, I was so brave. Saladistic bastards is the perfect name for them wish I’d thought of that, oh hang on I did, you really must remember to stop pinching my best lines it’s so unladylike of you.

It’s a wonderful idea, sadly it won’t work, you might very well be super handy to have around and I’ve no doubt when you dress up you look cute, but how can you double my squillions if I have to pay you, I really don’t feel you’ve put a lot of effort into that idea at all.

You really haven’t been doing your homework have you? I just don’t know what to do with you, I was crowned the uncontested ruler of time and space last year, remember? you were there cheering me on and everything.

If the pain is from someone as special as me then people should rejoice in it. You know I’m skint, I can’t afford postage, please remember to get the bits of brain out as well as the blood, I don’t want people thinking I’m some sort of header

But I like giggling and nobody makes me giggle as much as you, how about you buy a stop watch and a gag and when I’ve reached 18 seconds of giggleness, stuff the gag in me gob, good plan?

Excellent, I’ll make an entrepreneur of you yet, when they come back to moan though you’ll have to say it had nothing to do with me, you sort them out and I’ll sit in the backroom fanning myself with wads of cash.

Postmen sleep at night? You sure about that, I don’t actually think I believe you, you can’t be telling the truth ‘cause if they’re in bed then who puts the date stamps on the letters? Trying to fool me there wasn’t you, I’m on to your game mate. The fact of the matter is you haven’t sent me anything have you? You were quite prepared for an innocent posty to be whacked around the head with a voddy bottle than admit the truth, how do you sleep at night?

Is it kind to marvel at someone and call them strange at the same time? Gee, I must be one hell of a marvellous marvel


Do you know, your idea is better than mine, how can that be? No matter, it’s to good an opportunity to pass on, you do realise you’ll have to get on to the roof first to entice them up, I’m very sorry but I can’t possibly climb in my shoes, I promise I’ll try not to bash your brain to many times with my prodder, but you have to understand…accidents will happen.

We must be very careful not to get any glass in the builders sand, I don’t mind clubbing them half to death but I’d get a little upset if I wasn’t allowed to sunbathe there any more.

Damn, well if we really can’t kill them, your plan it’ll have to be, as long as they dress up in a French maids uniform, definitely not pinny and curlers, I think we’ll be on to a winner.

Yuck, I can’t imagine anyone wanting to come back as a grandpa, all they do is snore while the tellys on full blast and worse, they eat werther’s originals think I’ll stick to being a pigeon.

Why caddlebear has a ginormous eruption of a stye landed on my good eye and proceeded to shut it tight when it knows I’m going out soon?

aww I love super special baskets of huggles but not as much as voddy *sends you one of them posh picnic hampers filled with huggles back to you*

Have a wonderful night
__________________

Oh yes! Those tv types are always so jealous of you! *Shakes fist at them!* Damn those mean tv people! We'll get revenge on them! I'm sure they'll enjoy our tv shows...

I am so a Caddlebear! I don't even know what those secretish sevenish people are.... Really! I am completely innocent and stuff! I just thought about the worst torture possible.... And I came up with vodka deprivation... Am I wrong? You know how horrible it is when you don't have vodka! An absolutely brilliant idea! But..... We should only put short samples on Mytube *Nods* Just little advertisements, so we can lure them in, then charge for the rest!

Urgh! I hate it when the celery goes into your ear like that.... It has a nasty habit of doing that..... It waits until you're falling, then it leaps under you to cause maximum damage! I've seen it done it at least a dozen times..... Horrible... *Gives you a medal for your bravery* It's a testament to your strength, that you survived this ordeal! Hey! I'm always ladylike.... It's not my fault I read your mind and borrowed your word..... Really! It was just sitting there...... *Smiles innocently*

It's really easy! You see... If you pay me... I can have money.... And then I can spend that money on making new ways for me to make you money! *Nods* You can't go wrong there..... It'll definitely work...

Oh, that's what the award ceremony was for? Then when were you crowned most marvellous person in all of creation? I think I might be getting my events confused...... *sighs*

People are always bragging to me about the times you hit them! I swear, I can't even walk down the street without being ambushed by a stranger that wants to tell me the story of the time you used the pirate prodder on them! Don't worry.... I'll pay the postage! And get all the stains out.... Are you sure you don't want a little brain left on them though? I've heard it can be very stylish..... Just consider it!

Okay, gotcha! You'll be gagged at 18 seconds of gigglification exactly! Not a second more.... Don't want to risk anything.... But how long until you can giggle again? I mean we shouldn't be taking any unnecessary risks there......

No! That's the beauty of the plan.... We charge them an entry fee as well... So that even if they want to complain, they have to pay us for it.... And then, we offer them drinks and food, in their exclusive waiting area..... When it comes time for them to complain to us.... We hit them with the even bigger bill, because of their special service! We can't lose! *Cheers!*

*Glances around nervously* Postmen do sleep! They aren't the ones that put the date stamps on the letters.... Those are the mail gnomes.... Their only purpose in life is to make sure all letters have a perfectly drawn date stamp on them.... Poor little things really.... One day we will have to save them from the clutches of the evil postmen! One of those postman bastards did steal your present.... And he'll blame it on a poor, defenseless mail gnome.... It's just not right!

Of course it's kind! I only do kind things... Therefore, it must be kind... Even it doesn't seem very kind at first! Just look how many times I've used the word kind! I am simply brimming with kindness! *Marvels at Essa again and huggles her*

Well.... I'm willing to take that chance.... I'll go up on the roof, so I can "show the TV people our newest idea" but we'll need all the cameras in place beforehand! Who knows what problems we'll have getting them up there for a second shot? Don't worry about me! I'm building up a resistance to that pirate prodder.... My brain'll be just fine.... But watch those tv people squirm!

No worries! We'll make sure that all the glass shatters inwards.... So it'll just cut the builders.... But there could be some minor problems for them if we bash the glass into them.... I know! We should film it too! *Watches the squillions roll in*

Okay! Grannies in french maid uniforms.... I'm sure we're onto a winner there! Those kids won't dare mess with them.... And if they do get out of line..... There'll be trouble! We won't even need to worry about the Grannies... Just throw em a kid every now and then.... Very hush hush though....

Well, it's just this crazy idea that these grannies have..... It's beyond me why they want to be a grandpa.... Maybe they know something that we don't? There could be some grand secret there! We must do more research! *Nods*

Now.... I think you know exactly what is going on with that stye..... It's a combination of different factors..... Which I shall explain!

Firstly.... The evil Sandman has a cunning plan.... And he needs you to stay home so that he can carry it out..... I am not completely filled in on his plans.... But I believe that he is hosting some form of banquet... And he needs your expert culinary skills to make the night a complete success! Delivery men's noses and all that... Maybe even some salad.....

Secondly.... It is a sign that you should stay home and drink lots and lots of vodka.... I mean what better reason could you have to get really really drunk? Okay, I admit, there are some better ones.... But it's a damn good one.... So take advantage of this opportunity! Drink all you like and have fun! *Noddles*

Yay! A basket of huggles! *Smiles happily*

*Sends you a super huge hamper of Vodka, with a couple of huggles thrown in*

Enjoy your evening! *Huggles!*

 

[Kylan]

Oh Great and wise one, I so need your help again as your sagacity has been such a great aid to me in my past dilemmas. My Tuna fishing boat has been destroyed and the insurance company are refusing to reimburse me.

Why O' why are they insisting it burnt down when it obviously went up in flames?

 

[Cadoras]

Oh Great and wise one, I so need your help again as your sagacity has been such a great aid to me in my past dilemmas. My Tuna fishing boat has been destroyed and the insurance company are refusing to reimburse me.

Why O' why are they insisting it burnt down when it obviously went up in flames?

*Sighs sadly* Those insurance companies clearly don't understand the way the real world works..... Have those evil fiends even considered what is required for a Tuna fishing boat to burn down? For a start... It needs to have sails.... And in order for it to actually burn down.... The fire needs to start at the top of the boat....

But, as you have said, it went up in flames... So, we just need to point out to those insurance people, that because the mast was still intact, due to the boat sinking before the fire could spread that far.... It is obvious that your boat didn't burn down, but did actually go up in flames!

Your boat had a mast, right? All boats have masts, or at least things that stick up a long way.... And since that wasn't burnt! You have all the proof you need.... They have to pay now! *nods*

I hope that solved your problem

 

[Essa]

Oh yes! Those tv types are always so jealous of you! *Shakes fist at them!* Damn those mean tv people! We'll get revenge on them! I'm sure they'll enjoy our tv shows...

I am so a Caddlebear! I don't even know what those secretish sevenish people are.... Really! I am completely innocent and stuff! I just thought about the worst torture possible.... And I came up with vodka deprivation... Am I wrong? You know how horrible it is when you don't have vodka! An absolutely brilliant idea! But..... We should only put short samples on Mytube *Nods* Just little advertisements, so we can lure them in, then charge for the rest!

Urgh! I hate it when the celery goes into your ear like that.... It has a nasty habit of doing that..... It waits until you're falling, then it leaps under you to cause maximum damage! I've seen it done it at least a dozen times..... Horrible... *Gives you a medal for your bravery* It's a testament to your strength, that you survived this ordeal! Hey! I'm always ladylike.... It's not my fault I read your mind and borrowed your word..... Really! It was just sitting there...... *Smiles innocently*

It's really easy! You see... If you pay me... I can have money.... And then I can spend that money on making new ways for me to make you money! *Nods* You can't go wrong there..... It'll definitely work...

Oh, that's what the award ceremony was for? Then when were you crowned most marvellous person in all of creation? I think I might be getting my events confused...... *sighs*

People are always bragging to me about the times you hit them! I swear, I can't even walk down the street without being ambushed by a stranger that wants to tell me the story of the time you used the pirate prodder on them! Don't worry.... I'll pay the postage! And get all the stains out.... Are you sure you don't want a little brain left on them though? I've heard it can be very stylish..... Just consider it!

Okay, gotcha! You'll be gagged at 18 seconds of gigglification exactly! Not a second more.... Don't want to risk anything.... But how long until you can giggle again? I mean we shouldn't be taking any unnecessary risks there......

No! That's the beauty of the plan.... We charge them an entry fee as well... So that even if they want to complain, they have to pay us for it.... And then, we offer them drinks and food, in their exclusive waiting area..... When it comes time for them to complain to us.... We hit them with the even bigger bill, because of their special service! We can't lose! *Cheers!*

*Glances around nervously* Postmen do sleep! They aren't the ones that put the date stamps on the letters.... Those are the mail gnomes.... Their only purpose in life is to make sure all letters have a perfectly drawn date stamp on them.... Poor little things really.... One day we will have to save them from the clutches of the evil postmen! One of those postman bastards did steal your present.... And he'll blame it on a poor, defenseless mail gnome.... It's just not right!

Of course it's kind! I only do kind things... Therefore, it must be kind... Even it doesn't seem very kind at first! Just look how many times I've used the word kind! I am simply brimming with kindness! *Marvels at Essa again and huggles her*

Well.... I'm willing to take that chance.... I'll go up on the roof, so I can "show the TV people our newest idea" but we'll need all the cameras in place beforehand! Who knows what problems we'll have getting them up there for a second shot? Don't worry about me! I'm building up a resistance to that pirate prodder.... My brain'll be just fine.... But watch those tv people squirm!

No worries! We'll make sure that all the glass shatters inwards.... So it'll just cut the builders.... But there could be some minor problems for them if we bash the glass into them.... I know! We should film it too! *Watches the squillions roll in*

Okay! Grannies in french maid uniforms.... I'm sure we're onto a winner there! Those kids won't dare mess with them.... And if they do get out of line..... There'll be trouble! We won't even need to worry about the Grannies... Just throw em a kid every now and then.... Very hush hush though....

Well, it's just this crazy idea that these grannies have..... It's beyond me why they want to be a grandpa.... Maybe they know something that we don't? There could be some grand secret there! We must do more research! *Nods*

Now.... I think you know exactly what is going on with that stye..... It's a combination of different factors..... Which I shall explain!

Firstly.... The evil Sandman has a cunning plan.... And he needs you to stay home so that he can carry it out..... I am not completely filled in on his plans.... But I believe that he is hosting some form of banquet... And he needs your expert culinary skills to make the night a complete success! Delivery men's noses and all that... Maybe even some salad.....

Secondly.... It is a sign that you should stay home and drink lots and lots of vodka.... I mean what better reason could you have to get really really drunk? Okay, I admit, there are some better ones.... But it's a damn good one.... So take advantage of this opportunity! Drink all you like and have fun! *Noddles*

Yay! A basket of huggles! *Smiles happily*

*Sends you a super huge hamper of Vodka, with a couple of huggles thrown in*

Enjoy your evening! *Huggles!*

Well if they don’t enjoy our tv shows we certainly will. Mean, nasty, jealous tv type people. I can’t wait to see their faces when they first set eyes on my pirate prodder.

You so do know what a secretish sevenish person is, they’re worse than the sneakative sixish people, I told you before I’m on to you. You are not wrong at all, vodka deprivation is the worst torture ever, much worse than pulling out your eyeballs, that’s how I know there’s no way on earth you could be a Caddlebear, Caddlebears would never dream of inflicting such horrors. A good idea for Mytube, I was gonna see about putting it on YouTube but I changed my mind, you might start getting ideas above your station if you thought YouTube was about you. I already know Mytube is all about me.

*looks at the medal* it’s not very big is it? I mean, I went through a massive ordeal with that celery stick, do I not deserve something bigger and better? *quickly clears my mind of my words* You stole my word when I wasn’t concentrating, my words would never just sit there and be taken by you, they’ve been told so many times “beware of impostors posing as kindly Caddlebears carrying celery, they’re nothing but Saladistic bastards”

Erm…no, if I could see just one good reason why you’d need money, I’d pay you, alas there isn’t any, better luck next time.

You’re getting confused because I’m crowned best of everything, everywhere, forever, it’s hard for me to keep up sometimes, maybe you could write it all down somewhere for future reference?

I do so adore my public, sometimes I wish even I was ruled by me, I kinda get a wee bit jealous sometimes of the great ruler they have. Hmm a little bit of brain? O.k you’re on, if you think it’ll look stylish then who am I to argue with one so noble.

After precisely 18 seconds of signification I shall be gagged for 1 second which will allow the wee wee flow to go back up, gag out and I’m ready to giggle again, simple really when you think about it

Fantastico, I’ve taught you real well, I might even give you some left over scraps if you carry on like this.

Wow a mail gnome, I’ve never heard of these creatures, they sound incredible…just a minute, how can the mail gnomes draw a stamp on the letters? They carry fishing rods don’t they? I hope you’re not telling me porkie pies in the hope I might forget that you never actually sent my present?

You are so kind, more kind than anyone I’ve ever had the kindness to meet, kindly I’ve met a few kind people but never as kind as you. See how kind I am I used more kind words than you. *huggles the kind Caddlebear*

Good plan, you go up and set the cameras in position, I’ll shout directions with my loud hailer down below, you entice the tv people up by telling them there’s a baby Tyrannosaurus rex hiding, (tv people can’t resist babies) I’ll be hoisted up on a crane, out of sight naturally, let the prodding begin.

Woohoo, people would pay extra squillions to see dazed builders wandering around doing no work, hang on a tic, don’t builders already do that? No matter we’ll need you to go in disguise and bash them with the glass, just to make good viewing.

Definitely hush hush, I won’t say a word, you can count on me, does it matter that I’ve already done an interview about it in the local paper?

Perhaps we could capture a few grannies in the name of research of course and just see exactly how long it takes them to turn into granniepa’s, we could force them to shave and stuff, that’s be fun

You are so wise, oh wisely one. I took your advice and got absolutely sozzled, the problem was when I normally get sozzled I end up only being able to see out of one eye, end result was I couldn’t see a thing, seeing as I’ve only one eye working. Why do people only see out of one eye when they’re drunk?

*chucks out the couple of huggles and grabs the voddy*

Have a great evening *loads of huggles and snuggles*

 

[Cadoras]

Well if they don’t enjoy our tv shows we certainly will. Mean, nasty, jealous tv type people. I can’t wait to see their faces when they first set eyes on my pirate prodder.

You so do know what a secretish sevenish person is, they’re worse than the sneakative sixish people, I told you before I’m on to you. You are not wrong at all, vodka deprivation is the worst torture ever, much worse than pulling out your eyeballs, that’s how I know there’s no way on earth you could be a Caddlebear, Caddlebears would never dream of inflicting such horrors. A good idea for Mytube, I was gonna see about putting it on YouTube but I changed my mind, you might start getting ideas above your station if you thought YouTube was about you. I already know Mytube is all about me.

*looks at the medal* it’s not very big is it? I mean, I went through a massive ordeal with that celery stick, do I not deserve something bigger and better? *quickly clears my mind of my words* You stole my word when I wasn’t concentrating, my words would never just sit there and be taken by you, they’ve been told so many times “beware of impostors posing as kindly Caddlebears carrying celery, they’re nothing but Saladistic bastards”

Erm…no, if I could see just one good reason why you’d need money, I’d pay you, alas there isn’t any, better luck next time.

You’re getting confused because I’m crowned best of everything, everywhere, forever, it’s hard for me to keep up sometimes, maybe you could write it all down somewhere for future reference?

I do so adore my public, sometimes I wish even I was ruled by me, I kinda get a wee bit jealous sometimes of the great ruler they have. Hmm a little bit of brain? O.k you’re on, if you think it’ll look stylish then who am I to argue with one so noble.

After precisely 18 seconds of signification I shall be gagged for 1 second which will allow the wee wee flow to go back up, gag out and I’m ready to giggle again, simple really when you think about it

Fantastico, I’ve taught you real well, I might even give you some left over scraps if you carry on like this.

Wow a mail gnome, I’ve never heard of these creatures, they sound incredible…just a minute, how can the mail gnomes draw a stamp on the letters? They carry fishing rods don’t they? I hope you’re not telling me porkie pies in the hope I might forget that you never actually sent my present?

You are so kind, more kind than anyone I’ve ever had the kindness to meet, kindly I’ve met a few kind people but never as kind as you. See how kind I am I used more kind words than you. *huggles the kind Caddlebear*

Good plan, you go up and set the cameras in position, I’ll shout directions with my loud hailer down below, you entice the tv people up by telling them there’s a baby Tyrannosaurus rex hiding, (tv people can’t resist babies) I’ll be hoisted up on a crane, out of sight naturally, let the prodding begin.

Woohoo, people would pay extra squillions to see dazed builders wandering around doing no work, hang on a tic, don’t builders already do that? No matter we’ll need you to go in disguise and bash them with the glass, just to make good viewing.

Definitely hush hush, I won’t say a word, you can count on me, does it matter that I’ve already done an interview about it in the local paper?

Perhaps we could capture a few grannies in the name of research of course and just see exactly how long it takes them to turn into granniepa’s, we could force them to shave and stuff, that’s be fun

You are so wise, oh wisely one. I took your advice and got absolutely sozzled, the problem was when I normally get sozzled I end up only being able to see out of one eye, end result was I couldn’t see a thing, seeing as I’ve only one eye working. Why do people only see out of one eye when they’re drunk?

*chucks out the couple of huggles and grabs the voddy*

Have a great evening *loads of huggles and snuggles*

But they should be thanking us, for letting them be in our great shows.... Even if we only have them on for one or two episodes..... It's still very generous of us! Hey, maybe we should charge them to be on the show? Especially if they get to see the Pirate Prodder! Whatcha think?

*Shakes head emphatically!* I am not a secretive sevenish type! Really! I am a completely innocent Caddlebear..... The only reason I even mentioned the vodka deprivation torture, is because one of those pirates I talked to told me about it.... How you'd used it on some of the less obedient pirates..... *Smiles innocently* That's it! Oh! I just assumed that Mytube would be the perfect name for it.... I mean, it is yours, so what other name could it possibly have? You'll make megasquillions from it! I know it!

*Glances at medal* But they don't actually make medals larger than that one..... They told me that if they'd made it any bigger, you wouldn't be able to drink vodka while you wore it.... And then what would be the point in having it at all? Hey! I didn't trick your words.... And I'm not an impostor! I avoid celery at all costs! *Nods* I know how dangerous that stuff is! And I'd never bring it near innocent words.....

*Sighs* I guess I'm never going to convince you to pay me..... *Gives up and huggles you*

Oh! We should make a book about your greatness.... Everyone would buy a copy! And we can print a new version each year.... That way they buy one every year and you just get richer and richer! *Nods*

You could always star as yourself and one of your peasants in a play..... Then you'd get the chance to be ruled by yourself! No need to ever be jealous again! You'd be ruled by the best ruler ever! *Glances at you and nods* Brain is completely the in thing! Everyone loves to see a little brain on the clothing of famous people.... It makes them that much fancier!

*Bounces happily* Okay! I get it now! 18 seconds, gag in, 1 second later, gag out and everything is better! *Makes notes* I shall be sure to remember, for the future! Then all giggling shall be safe!

Wows! Scraps? For me? I don't know what I could've done to possibly earn such a grand reward! I am honoured!

Mail gnomes only carry fishing rods on their days off..... The rest of the time, it's tiny paintbrushes.... They do most of their mail work at night though, so it's not likely people will notice they aren't out with fishing rods..... Those mail gnomes are incredibly sneaky! But not as sneaky as the postmen..... Present stealing thieves!

*Marvels at your kindness* I don't think that I could ever match the kindness contained in your ever so kind words..... I am truly humbled by the depths of kindness that you have displayed.... *Huggles you kindly*

Who are you going to be shouting directions to? Me, the tv people or the baby T-Rex? Hey! I just had a brilliant idea! We could see if the T-Rex likes raw or lighting cooked tv people better! That'd make for some great TV! I think you're onto a real winner there Essa! Are you going to be prodding them just after they get hit by the lighting? Hmmmmm.... It could be dangerous for you! Is your crane safe?

In disguise? To make the builder's look more interesting? Why do I get the strangest feeling that I'm going to have to dress up like a dodo and go around bashing builders in the head with empty vodka bottles? It sounds like fun! *Bounces* When do I start?

Don't worry... We'll just make sure that all the local kids get a copy of that paper.... We'll make them pay for it, of course!

Well.... I'm not gonna stop you from carrying out research experiments on the grannies.... We don't need all of them to keep the kids under control... So I'm sure we'll have plenty of spares for your entertainment!

Uh oh.... You couldn't see out of the wrong eye! You're supposed to only make it so you can't see out of one eye at a time..... So you should've made sure it was the right one to start with... *Sigh*

Aha! I thought you'd never ask this one.... You see, this is something that goes all the way back to some kind of mythology, greek, maybe? One day, a group of villagers were having trouble with a cyclops.... Big monster, ugly, with only a single huge eye..... This wasn't the first trouble they'd had with it.... But they were getting sick of it's destructive antics..... Now, three of the villagers fancied themselves to be pretty good chemists (Yes, they were chemists and it was greek mythology, isn't history fun?) They had made themselves a concoction that appeared to addle the brain and took away sight in one eye... But people only need one eye and it was fun! These three men, had named it alcohol... From their names Al, Co and Hol....

Pretending to be making a peace offering.... The three ventured to the cylcops' lair... Bearing a large barrel of their alcohol.... The cyclops, being very stupid drank it all.... This is when the problems started for it.... It lost the ability to see out of it's eye and the villagers began to play pin the spear on the cyclops..... This game is still played, in various forms today! And often with alcohol to help.

So, you see.... It's just a side effect of the cylcops poison we drink... And without it, there'd be masses of cyclopi running around, eating us...... And that's not too fun!

*Rounds up the huggles and gives Essa some more*

Hope you're enjoying your afternoon

 

[Essa]

But they should be thanking us, for letting them be in our great shows.... Even if we only have them on for one or two episodes..... It's still very generous of us! Hey, maybe we should charge them to be on the show? Especially if they get to see the Pirate Prodder! Whatcha think?

*Shakes head emphatically!* I am not a secretive sevenish type! Really! I am a completely innocent Caddlebear..... The only reason I even mentioned the vodka deprivation torture, is because one of those pirates I talked to told me about it.... How you'd used it on some of the less obedient pirates..... *Smiles innocently* That's it! Oh! I just assumed that Mytube would be the perfect name for it.... I mean, it is yours, so what other name could it possibly have? You'll make megasquillions from it! I know it!

*Glances at medal* But they don't actually make medals larger than that one..... They told me that if they'd made it any bigger, you wouldn't be able to drink vodka while you wore it.... And then what would be the point in having it at all? Hey! I didn't trick your words.... And I'm not an impostor! I avoid celery at all costs! *Nods* I know how dangerous that stuff is! And I'd never bring it near innocent words.....

*Sighs* I guess I'm never going to convince you to pay me..... *Gives up and huggles you*

Oh! We should make a book about your greatness.... Everyone would buy a copy! And we can print a new version each year.... That way they buy one every year and you just get richer and richer! *Nods*

You could always star as yourself and one of your peasants in a play..... Then you'd get the chance to be ruled by yourself! No need to ever be jealous again! You'd be ruled by the best ruler ever! *Glances at you and nods* Brain is completely the in thing! Everyone loves to see a little brain on the clothing of famous people.... It makes them that much fancier!

*Bounces happily* Okay! I get it now! 18 seconds, gag in, 1 second later, gag out and everything is better! *Makes notes* I shall be sure to remember, for the future! Then all giggling shall be safe!

Wows! Scraps? For me? I don't know what I could've done to possibly earn such a grand reward! I am honoured!

Mail gnomes only carry fishing rods on their days off..... The rest of the time, it's tiny paintbrushes.... They do most of their mail work at night though, so it's not likely people will notice they aren't out with fishing rods..... Those mail gnomes are incredibly sneaky! But not as sneaky as the postmen..... Present stealing thieves!

*Marvels at your kindness* I don't think that I could ever match the kindness contained in your ever so kind words..... I am truly humbled by the depths of kindness that you have displayed.... *Huggles you kindly*

Who are you going to be shouting directions to? Me, the tv people or the baby T-Rex? Hey! I just had a brilliant idea! We could see if the T-Rex likes raw or lighting cooked tv people better! That'd make for some great TV! I think you're onto a real winner there Essa! Are you going to be prodding them just after they get hit by the lighting? Hmmmmm.... It could be dangerous for you! Is your crane safe?

In disguise? To make the builder's look more interesting? Why do I get the strangest feeling that I'm going to have to dress up like a dodo and go around bashing builders in the head with empty vodka bottles? It sounds like fun! *Bounces* When do I start?

Don't worry... We'll just make sure that all the local kids get a copy of that paper.... We'll make them pay for it, of course!

Well.... I'm not gonna stop you from carrying out research experiments on the grannies.... We don't need all of them to keep the kids under control... So I'm sure we'll have plenty of spares for your entertainment!

Uh oh.... You couldn't see out of the wrong eye! You're supposed to only make it so you can't see out of one eye at a time..... So you should've made sure it was the right one to start with... *Sigh*

Aha! I thought you'd never ask this one.... You see, this is something that goes all the way back to some kind of mythology, greek, maybe? One day, a group of villagers were having trouble with a cyclops.... Big monster, ugly, with only a single huge eye..... This wasn't the first trouble they'd had with it.... But they were getting sick of it's destructive antics..... Now, three of the villagers fancied themselves to be pretty good chemists (Yes, they were chemists and it was greek mythology, isn't history fun?) They had made themselves a concoction that appeared to addle the brain and took away sight in one eye... But people only need one eye and it was fun! These three men, had named it alcohol... From their names Al, Co and Hol....

Pretending to be making a peace offering.... The three ventured to the cylcops' lair... Bearing a large barrel of their alcohol.... The cyclops, being very stupid drank it all.... This is when the problems started for it.... It lost the ability to see out of it's eye and the villagers began to play pin the spear on the cyclops..... This game is still played, in various forms today! And often with alcohol to help.

So, you see.... It's just a side effect of the cylcops poison we drink... And without it, there'd be masses of cyclopi running around, eating us...... And that's not too fun!

*Rounds up the huggles and gives Essa some more*

Hope you're enjoying your afternoon

Definitely we should charge them to be on the show and how about we also charge them when ever they’re prodded by the great Pirate Prodder, I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank

Hmm not sure if I quite believe you there, but I shall give you the benefit of the doubt…just this once mind. I only used the vodka deprivation torture a few times, well actually I lost count after the first hundred or so but they were very disobedient, what’s a girl to do?

You know I think I’ve changed my mind, if I wouldn’t be able to drink my voddy while wearing it what on earth is the point in having a larger one? People need to see my medal to see what a wonderful kind compassionate human being I am. My words are far to pure to be stolen by anyone, I shall be keeping a few beady eyes on you in the future.

A huggle works wonders for me, it’s free after all and that means I can give you one back *huggles the skint Caddlebear*

Or we could print a new copy every couple of months, I mean a lot can happen in a couple of months and if nothing happens to enhance my greatness I’ll just make something up, that’s what all the other squillionaires do.

You’re a genius, of course I could star as myself and a peasant, I’d get the chance to know how wonderful I really am, might be a bit difficult chopping myself in half to play two different people but I’m sure something as trivial as that wouldn’t get in my way.

Unless of course I’m desperate for a wee before we start giggling, then the 18 second rule won’t work, you however have to guess as to whether I need a wee or not, I can’t be expected to make all decisions, I’m a mere woman after all.

Yes you should be honoured, I normally leave people to starve but for you I’ll make a slight exception, but be warned puke any of the scraps back up and I’m afraid it will be the next days breakfast.

Ahh I see now, strange that I thought the fishing rods were stuck to them for ever. Damn right they are sneaky making innocent people believe they did nothing but pretend to catch fish all day, I reckon the present stealing posties need to be on their guard, the fishing rod wielding gnomes might well be after their jobs.

I agree, nobody could ever match the kindness in me, I wouldn’t be as kind as to let them, that’s me you see, full to the brim with kindness.

I shall obviously be shouting directions to all of you, after all I am the boss. Another good idea of yours there with the T-Rex, tv people dinner, I think I’ll prod them before and after they get hit, more fun for me that way. Don’t worry about the crane it’s extremely safe and just to make sure I’ll allow you to test it out first, *marvels again at the kindness in me*

You’re getting quite good at reading my clues, you may start when I’ve finished this crate of voddy, we need plenty of empties, just in case you miss a couple of heads and need to start again.

We can pretend there’s something interesting to read and charge treble, we’ll snaffle all their pocket-money in no time, besides better in our hands than theirs, they’ll only buy silly stuff like presents for their sick granny’s and grandpa’s.

Spare grannies for my amusement sounds fab, I might even let you do a couple of experiments if I feel in a good enough mood.

Oh dear, that’s where I went wrong then, next time I’ll be sure to tell my right eye that I need it and my wrong one that it can do what it wants, thanks for that, no wonder I was confused

Wow, hurray for Al, Col and Hol, I wonder if they realised at the time how much I’d do for them. I fear I’ve lead a very sheltered life, never yet have I had the opportunity to play pin the spear on the cyclops and as you can imagine I am not very happy about it *stamps foot* Why Caddlebear do people always have fun without me?

*smothers Caddlebear with so many huggles he struggles to breath…in a nice way*

I’m having a lovely afternoon, hope you have an even better evening

 

[Cadoras]

Definitely we should charge them to be on the show and how about we also charge them when ever they’re prodded by the great Pirate Prodder, I’ll be laughing all the way to the bank

Hmm not sure if I quite believe you there, but I shall give you the benefit of the doubt…just this once mind. I only used the vodka deprivation torture a few times, well actually I lost count after the first hundred or so but they were very disobedient, what’s a girl to do?

You know I think I’ve changed my mind, if I wouldn’t be able to drink my voddy while wearing it what on earth is the point in having a larger one? People need to see my medal to see what a wonderful kind compassionate human being I am. My words are far to pure to be stolen by anyone, I shall be keeping a few beady eyes on you in the future.

A huggle works wonders for me, it’s free after all and that means I can give you one back *huggles the skint Caddlebear*

Or we could print a new copy every couple of months, I mean a lot can happen in a couple of months and if nothing happens to enhance my greatness I’ll just make something up, that’s what all the other squillionaires do.

You’re a genius, of course I could star as myself and a peasant, I’d get the chance to know how wonderful I really am, might be a bit difficult chopping myself in half to play two different people but I’m sure something as trivial as that wouldn’t get in my way.

Unless of course I’m desperate for a wee before we start giggling, then the 18 second rule won’t work, you however have to guess as to whether I need a wee or not, I can’t be expected to make all decisions, I’m a mere woman after all.

Yes you should be honoured, I normally leave people to starve but for you I’ll make a slight exception, but be warned puke any of the scraps back up and I’m afraid it will be the next days breakfast.

Ahh I see now, strange that I thought the fishing rods were stuck to them for ever. Damn right they are sneaky making innocent people believe they did nothing but pretend to catch fish all day, I reckon the present stealing posties need to be on their guard, the fishing rod wielding gnomes might well be after their jobs.

I agree, nobody could ever match the kindness in me, I wouldn’t be as kind as to let them, that’s me you see, full to the brim with kindness.

I shall obviously be shouting directions to all of you, after all I am the boss. Another good idea of yours there with the T-Rex, tv people dinner, I think I’ll prod them before and after they get hit, more fun for me that way. Don’t worry about the crane it’s extremely safe and just to make sure I’ll allow you to test it out first, *marvels again at the kindness in me*

You’re getting quite good at reading my clues, you may start when I’ve finished this crate of voddy, we need plenty of empties, just in case you miss a couple of heads and need to start again.

We can pretend there’s something interesting to read and charge treble, we’ll snaffle all their pocket-money in no time, besides better in our hands than theirs, they’ll only buy silly stuff like presents for their sick granny’s and grandpa’s.

Spare grannies for my amusement sounds fab, I might even let you do a couple of experiments if I feel in a good enough mood.

Oh dear, that’s where I went wrong then, next time I’ll be sure to tell my right eye that I need it and my wrong one that it can do what it wants, thanks for that, no wonder I was confused

Wow, hurray for Al, Col and Hol, I wonder if they realised at the time how much I’d do for them. I fear I’ve lead a very sheltered life, never yet have I had the opportunity to play pin the spear on the cyclops and as you can imagine I am not very happy about it *stamps foot* Why Caddlebear do people always have fun without me?

*smothers Caddlebear with so many huggles he struggles to breath…in a nice way*

I’m having a lovely afternoon, hope you have an even better evening

Oh yes! We can call it a Proddage fee..... That's a super brilliant idea! We can even offer them prizes.... We don't actually have to give them prizes, but they play better when they think they can win something! *Nods*

Yay! I knew you'd believe me! *Wanders around all innocent and Caddlebearily* That vodka deprivation torture must truly be effective, if you used it so many times! But.... Why do I get the feeling that you might've just used it so you didn't have to share vodka with the pirates? It couldn't be that though, right?

Ezacly! I got you the absolute biggest medal you could possibly have, while still being able to drink vodka with it on.... I also made it illegal for anyone to wear a medal that's more than half the size of your medal, so it looks even bigger compared to all other medals! Then everyone will know how brave and stuff you are! *Nodses* Oh, I never knew your words were so pure and innocent..... But are you sure you should let those beady eyes look at them? They look awfully shifty.... Maybe you could use your own eyes? They're just as innocent as your words!

*Laughs and huggles you back!* We might even be able to start a whole campaign, giving away free huggles! Of course, people would have to buy things first.... There's no point in just giving things away....

Or! We could turn it into a weekly magazine.... It'd get us more money than a book every few months.... Everyone would be required to subscribe to it... And then we wouldn't even need to worry about them remembering to do it.... It will work perfectly! Yay!

Hmmmmm..... I think we might actually be able to do the play without you actually having to chop yourself in half.... But! If you want to chop someone in half.... I'm sure the peasant chopping scene would be just the place to do it! For their own good, of course.... Can't have them getting too big....

Well... I'm sure I'll figure it out! *Nods* How hard can it be to guess whether or not someone will need to relieve themself? I am confident in my abilities! Yep!

But scraps are super yummy! What possible reason could I have to throw up such a divine meal? I will savour every bite of scrappy goodness! *Smiles and nods!*

When you spend all day pretending to catch fish.... It gives you loads of time to plot evil.... I have actually witnessed a group of fishing rod wielding gnomes, take down a postman.... The poor guy barely escaped with his life, but they got his letters.... That's what happens when a postman takes too long to deliver the mail, the second the sun goes down, the gnomes go crazy!

Wowses! *Is buried in your kindness!* You're just so amazingly kind! I am glad you don't let people be as kind as you.... It's very kind of you... Just imagine the accidents we'd have if everyone was so kind!

*Gets on the crane and marvels at your super kindness!* Wow! I get to try the crane first! I am so honoured..... It seems to be working! So, for the plan, I lure them up there.... You prod them, then they get struck by lightning, while some of them are attacked by the T-rex.... Then you prod them all again and they swap.... Then more prodding? I don't think I missed anything!

*Flaps wings* Okay! I'm ready to start hitting the builders with bottles! Need any help drinking the vodka? I'm really good at helping! *Nods* We'll have those builders bashed in no time!

You're right! I've never known a kid yet that made sound financial decisions.... The money is just wasted in their hands.... But we can do good things with it! Like making you even richer.... Always a good thing!

Aha! What kind of experiments will we be doing? *Gets the lab ready* Maybe we can discover stuff! That's always fun!

Yes! Ezacly! All sorts of problems happen when people get problems with their right and wrong eyes.... It's only the wrong eye that you don't need! That's why the other one is called the right eye!

They were truly heroes.... And one day people will build monuments to them.... Well, only small ones.... Because they can't be as big and fancy as yours! But there will still be monuments! You've never played pin the spear on the cyclops? That's the one where you get someone so drunk they can only see out of one eye... Then everyone takes turns poking them with a stick! Very fun! *Nods*

Hmmmmmm.... Fun without you? I can't even imagine a thing! I never have fun without you.... But I shall think on this.....

Oh! I know! Now this may sound a little odd.... But it's the absolute truth.... You see... They aren't actually having fun without you... They are celebrating your youness! They're always waiting for you to get there, to join in on the fun with them... Because they know if they don't start having fun before you get there, that you'll think it's boring and just leave.... So they want anything you happen to turn up to to be the absolute most fun thing ever! And it's because of this that they always seem to be having fun without you.... They're practicing for you *Nods* You are very special!

*Struggles to breathe and gives Essa Mountains of warm huggly huggles back!*

Good to see you again! Have a fantastic whatever it might be there!