Why Caddlebear? Why?!

[Morrigu]

I never realised that jinglejangles made so much noise..........I could hear them in the Alpha Lounge

 

[Essa]

Absolutely! I can so see it getting maybe as much as 23 squillion! That frilly bow you added will most likely up the price a few squillion alone.... And the pot? Wow! We're talking a one of a kind pot of Essa Air..... I have actually heard people talking about what they'd do if they had Squillions of dollars, almost of them said that they'd love to spend it all on a pot of Essa Air! *Nods and huggles the soon to be Squillions richer Essa*

*Puts on Caddlebear guard uniform* Don't worry Essa! Your Vodka is safe with me! *Grrrs at vodka thieves* Those vodka thieving types will be super scared of Caddlebear! *Noddles*

Well..... I guess that will work! As long as we have some kind of skin burntness attachment on your pirate prodder.... So we can be absolutely sure when their skin is burnt enough.... We wouldn't want to take them off too early! They might get ideas about running away.... Strange people! Erm, my mice? I guess I could train them to do skin grafts.... They're very smart little things... *Nods* I think you're just looking forward to a zombie Caddlebear stew! Confess! *Huggles the crafty Essa*

Hmmmmm.... I will try the huggling and maybe the breath mint for her... But I don't know about the camel snogging, maybe if I tickle her and make her laugh so she drops the list? That sounds good! Then I can use that list to huggle the most richest camels around! They'll never know what happened! Oh.... Pay? Are you sure you're feeling okay? I know how much you like your money....

Oh fine! You can try it out on me first.... But then we have to go out and try it on large groups of unsuspecting people.... It's just no fun if we aren't sure that it works! We can be like all official and sciency about it! Researching the effects of skin pinching on random strangers! It'll be so yayful! *Cheers*

*Takes the thinking cap and hides it* I will work on it and try to improve it.... Maybe I can give it back to you for your 21st birthday? It might be completely ready by then! And then there'll be no worries about it corrupting innocent people! *Huggles for Essa!*

Awwww! I love being admired! *Preens* Wow, all this time I thought that cats just didn't care at all about anyone or anything else, so they just ignored them and didn't bother to communicate.... But if your cat said "Me... ow" that is absolute proof that they can talk! *Gwares at the flying cats* This would've made the whole flying thing much easier!

The best team ever! Yay for us! *Swings an empty vodka bottle experimentally* Okay, I'm ready to go get those posties! Oh, wait.... *Puts on camera hat* Now! Let's go wake em up!

Wowses! You are a musical genius! *Marvels at you* That is just the bestest idea ever! And I know you have the timing to pull it off perfectly.... But if anything goes wrong... We just need to smash those crappy rockers into the ground and have the T-Rex chomp em a bit! That'll learn em! Oh, we should make sure the lighting's good enough... Nothing worse than not being able to see what's going on, especially when it's so exciting!

But.... Caddlebears are known for their habit of doing things wrong.... Can't we um... Give him lots of special Caddlebear bonus chances? No one else would get them... Only Caddlebear... Then everything will be fine and you can still have loads of fun! *Nodulates assuredly*

Oh wow..... Which owls are the tastiest ones for the cats to eat? Or um, maybe not tastiest, but which are the best? Cos I only want the absolutely flying, head turning cats in the world! Hey.... I did do some research! But I stupidly focused my research on how to get the cats to have wings.... Instead of trying to figure out how to get them to actually fly.... Anyone could've made that mistake! *Sighs* But you will be the first to have one of these wonderful new cats!

I will be sending your plane ticket money soon..... Have to get that cat do-gooder person first! They're being very tricky! And I am only trying to get the tastiest one.... Because I wouldn't want some kind of inferior cat do-gooder person soup to serve to my amazing guest! That'd just be too embarassing and insulting! I'd probably end up in a soup myself, if I did something like that.... *Sighs and huggles Essa*

*Holds onto the leash of the Cyclops* Okay... I've got him... No worries for you there... But he's not too troublesome... He's just a little one eyed.... So he has no depth perception, he might accidentally trip over and fall on you.....

Yes! People are just so impolite these days..... Don't they know that simply saying hello to people, maybe asking them how they are.... A little please and thank you.... All these things can stop you getting shot in the head! *Sighs sadly* Kids these days... They'll never learn!

*Glances at the time machine again* I have absolutely no idea.... But I will take your advice and be more careful about who I associate with, from now on.... I wouldn't want this to happen again, once I manage to repair my time machine.... But maybe I should just leave it for a while...

Not at all! Infact, before he got his high paying job as a bunny tv star.... He was actually a poor bunny with bad eyesight... He wears contacts... But he still doesn't go out at night... He'll do what's best for the bunny population, I'm sure of it!

I completely forgot about that option! But it's a very good one.... I never even thought about that.... But if they really wanted the toy, they should love it, even if it doesn't actually work yet.... At least they get a chance to look at it! Ungrateful children.... Christmas is all about the fun a parent can have from seeing that look of disappointment in their child's eyes.... Some parents get their children the wrong presents to do it... But I think your way is just much better!

Erm.... Me? Always sleeping?

Caddlebear isn't actually always sleeping! That's just a rumour started by the anti-Caddlebear league! They want to make it seem like Caddlebears sleep 23 hours a day... When it's really just that Caddlebears wish they were sleeping all that time.... It's why if you ever see a Caddlebear, chances are, it will complain about how tired it is.... It's probably not helped if you happen to be awake while a Caddlebear is sleeping... Because then it seems to you like they sleep lots... Since you're awake and all...

I assure you, Caddlebears don't really get that much sleep.... I may even put them at barely enough.... But they do get way more sleep than APplebears!

*Noddles and huggles everyone*

Yay! *Picks up the bottle and pours the huggles over himself*

Oh! That's fun!

*Sends a crate full of Vodka, padded with huggles back to Essa*

You have a wonderful night too!

Essa Air? Hmmm sounds a bit like a porn stars name, are you sure that would be suitable for somebody as pure as me? Oh what the heck it’s the money that counts, I shall allow you to send me some money to buy some more pots and bows and then you can get started on the selling process. It’s very tiring work breathing air into pots, I couldn’t possibly go and sell them as well. I’m sure you understand? *Huggles the understanding Caddlebear*

You look so sweet in that Caddlebear guard uniform, are you sure you’re supposed to wear that pink tutu with it, you don’t look very menacing to me.

Certainly I have a skin burtness attachment on my pirate prodder, to be honest I wasn’t gonna bother but when I saw it came free with the prodder who was I to turn it down? I never thought about them running away, do you think they would dare? To be on the safe side we should attach them all to a metal fireproof chain, put the other end of it around your foot and if they run you’ll get dragged through the fire as well. *almost faints in awe of my wondrousness ideas* I don’t think the mice would need much training at all, just get a sharp knife, slice off their skin and put it on the burnt people, see, easy when you’re as clever as me. I’m definitely looking forward to my zombie Caddlebear stew, I can’t wait till your eyes pop between my teeth.

You have to do camel snogging sorry, tickling won’t work, camels aren’t ticklish at all, if you attempt to tickle a camel they’ll just laugh in your face but they always swoon for a camel snog. Maybe try and pick a camel that hasn’t got vast amounts of drool spilling out of it’s mouth? I don’t know what came over me before, I must have been feeling ill, you need to realise when I say things concerning money I don’t mean them, obviously I’m suffering a fever at the time. Of coarse you won’t be getting paid. *Huggles the almost paid but not quite Caddlebear*

*Tests my skin pinching device on Caddlebear and pinches really really hard* There, didn’t hurt a bit did it? You may buy me a clipboard and a fancy pen so I can pretend to note reactions of unsuspecting people, While all the time I’ll be playing noughts and crosses with myself and hopefully winning.

Hey, a perfect idea, It’ll be the best 21st birthday present in the whole world. Do you think you might have it sorted in three years?

Cats think Caddlebears, like humans are thick. They’ll pretend they can’t talk but you have to catch them off guard, you need to try sneaking up on them and eavesdrop their conversation, I once heard my two discussing the effect fleas had on the cat population, a scratchy subject that.

Please be careful, they can be quite nasty when aroused. I’d hate to see you come to any harm, well a bit of harm would be fun to watch but not harm like decapitation or anything. *Gives Caddlebears head the last huggle it’ll ever have*

I know, I am good aren’t I? You can buy some extra lamps if you like and then when the crappy rockers are on the floor being chomped on by the T-Rex’s, and we’ve seen all we want to see, we could smash the lamps over their heads for extra effect.

But if I gave you extra bonus chances then the world would want my extra bonus chances and how on earth will I have a good day if I don’t get to see misery in peoples faces. Sorry you’re on your final warning. *Huggles the last chance Caddlebear*

I think the best owls are the super flying fully head spinning ones, then your cats will have the exact abilities. How on earth did you make such a mistake? Everyone knows wings and flying are two completely different things, maybe you should go back to school for a bit? Actually I expect to be the only person with one of your marvellous cats, there can’t be anyone else having them as well, really Caddlebear you should have known that.

I don’t actually care who’s in the soup as long as I get some, but if you think you may end up in the soup remember to send my ticket money first or you’ll be in big trouble, you reckon being made into soup is bad? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Might he indeed accidentally trip over and fall on me? I think not mate, I shall have you know even when I’m squashed under a rampaging cyclops my pirate prodding aim is still precise, I didn’t waste all them years on prodding pirates for nothing you know. I suggest you hold on to him very tight.

You should never ever associate with anyone who drinks vodka, they’re the worst kind of people ever. The lies they tell is unbelievable, they backstab and cheat you, the worst kind of friend possible, so I’ve been told on numerous occasions

Sadly my Christmas joy gets less and less each year, children tend to grow up so quick nowadays, no more do they want battery operated toys. Number one son has had his eye on a new mobile phone that does absolutely everything, I’ve decided to buy him a fake one from the pound shop just to see his face Christmas morning.

There’s an anti-Caddlebear league, Where can I sign up? Oh I think I see where I got confused now, I’m awake when Caddlebears are asleep, Caddlebears are awake when I’m asleep. That’s just wrong, Caddlebears should be awake 24 hours a day in case I need one to play with, mind you on a plus side if Applebears hardly sleep at all, I can play with them.

*aww how sweet a crateful of vodka, should keep me going for a night at least*

*Sends a rocket ship full of huggles and snuggles* Ooops sorry about the crater in your garden.

Enjoy your night whatever you may be doing

 

[asian_princess]

*waves and blows little kisses*

Bye Essa-Vescense!

 

[sunbunny3]

Why oh wise Caddlebear is it that when I work the same number of hours each day the one day a week that I start three hours later seems to be twice as long???

 

[Cadoras]

Why oh wise Caddlebear is it that when I work the same number of hours each day the one day a week that I start three hours later seems to be twice as long???

*Smiles and huggles Sunbunbum!*

You are a probably experiencing a kind of time lag.... You see.... Because you're starting 3 hours later.... Your mind and body get the idea that it's still the earlier time... So being awake for any time before that makes it feel as if you woke up way too early.... Then you get tired quicker during the day... And you end up feeling like it has been twice as long, because your body thinks you should've stopped working ages ago! It's punishing you for making it get up early.... And for finishing at a time that's so much later than normal, when it finally does catch up with time.... Or um, something like that?

 

[Cadoras]

Essa Air? Hmmm sounds a bit like a porn stars name, are you sure that would be suitable for somebody as pure as me? Oh what the heck it’s the money that counts, I shall allow you to send me some money to buy some more pots and bows and then you can get started on the selling process. It’s very tiring work breathing air into pots, I couldn’t possibly go and sell them as well. I’m sure you understand? *Huggles the understanding Caddlebear*

You look so sweet in that Caddlebear guard uniform, are you sure you’re supposed to wear that pink tutu with it, you don’t look very menacing to me.

Certainly I have a skin burtness attachment on my pirate prodder, to be honest I wasn’t gonna bother but when I saw it came free with the prodder who was I to turn it down? I never thought about them running away, do you think they would dare? To be on the safe side we should attach them all to a metal fireproof chain, put the other end of it around your foot and if they run you’ll get dragged through the fire as well. *almost faints in awe of my wondrousness ideas* I don’t think the mice would need much training at all, just get a sharp knife, slice off their skin and put it on the burnt people, see, easy when you’re as clever as me. I’m definitely looking forward to my zombie Caddlebear stew, I can’t wait till your eyes pop between my teeth.

You have to do camel snogging sorry, tickling won’t work, camels aren’t ticklish at all, if you attempt to tickle a camel they’ll just laugh in your face but they always swoon for a camel snog. Maybe try and pick a camel that hasn’t got vast amounts of drool spilling out of it’s mouth? I don’t know what came over me before, I must have been feeling ill, you need to realise when I say things concerning money I don’t mean them, obviously I’m suffering a fever at the time. Of coarse you won’t be getting paid. *Huggles the almost paid but not quite Caddlebear*

*Tests my skin pinching device on Caddlebear and pinches really really hard* There, didn’t hurt a bit did it? You may buy me a clipboard and a fancy pen so I can pretend to note reactions of unsuspecting people, While all the time I’ll be playing noughts and crosses with myself and hopefully winning.

Hey, a perfect idea, It’ll be the best 21st birthday present in the whole world. Do you think you might have it sorted in three years?

Cats think Caddlebears, like humans are thick. They’ll pretend they can’t talk but you have to catch them off guard, you need to try sneaking up on them and eavesdrop their conversation, I once heard my two discussing the effect fleas had on the cat population, a scratchy subject that.

Please be careful, they can be quite nasty when aroused. I’d hate to see you come to any harm, well a bit of harm would be fun to watch but not harm like decapitation or anything. *Gives Caddlebears head the last huggle it’ll ever have*

I know, I am good aren’t I? You can buy some extra lamps if you like and then when the crappy rockers are on the floor being chomped on by the T-Rex’s, and we’ve seen all we want to see, we could smash the lamps over their heads for extra effect.

But if I gave you extra bonus chances then the world would want my extra bonus chances and how on earth will I have a good day if I don’t get to see misery in peoples faces. Sorry you’re on your final warning. *Huggles the last chance Caddlebear*

I think the best owls are the super flying fully head spinning ones, then your cats will have the exact abilities. How on earth did you make such a mistake? Everyone knows wings and flying are two completely different things, maybe you should go back to school for a bit? Actually I expect to be the only person with one of your marvellous cats, there can’t be anyone else having them as well, really Caddlebear you should have known that.

I don’t actually care who’s in the soup as long as I get some, but if you think you may end up in the soup remember to send my ticket money first or you’ll be in big trouble, you reckon being made into soup is bad? You ain’t seen nothing yet.

Might he indeed accidentally trip over and fall on me? I think not mate, I shall have you know even when I’m squashed under a rampaging cyclops my pirate prodding aim is still precise, I didn’t waste all them years on prodding pirates for nothing you know. I suggest you hold on to him very tight.

You should never ever associate with anyone who drinks vodka, they’re the worst kind of people ever. The lies they tell is unbelievable, they backstab and cheat you, the worst kind of friend possible, so I’ve been told on numerous occasions

Sadly my Christmas joy gets less and less each year, children tend to grow up so quick nowadays, no more do they want battery operated toys. Number one son has had his eye on a new mobile phone that does absolutely everything, I’ve decided to buy him a fake one from the pound shop just to see his face Christmas morning.

There’s an anti-Caddlebear league, Where can I sign up? Oh I think I see where I got confused now, I’m awake when Caddlebears are asleep, Caddlebears are awake when I’m asleep. That’s just wrong, Caddlebears should be awake 24 hours a day in case I need one to play with, mind you on a plus side if Applebears hardly sleep at all, I can play with them.

*aww how sweet a crateful of vodka, should keep me going for a night at least*

*Sends a rocket ship full of huggles and snuggles* Ooops sorry about the crater in your garden.

Enjoy your night whatever you may be doing

Oh, of course it's not a pornstar name! I mean take a look at me.... I am a pure and innocent Caddlebear.... What do us Caddlebears know of pornstars? We only give the absolute most appropriate names for anything.... Essa Air is Air, straight from the wonderful Essa... What else could it possibly be named? No, it definitely needs to be called Essa Air! *Nodulates* Pots? What size will we be needing? I mean if we give them a pot that's too large, they might think that due to having so much special air, that they themselves are somehow special and that's just not right! They should be required to build a special room to keep the bottle in, that they can only enter once a week, for a price! No worries about the auction, I have it all planned.... When I have everything ready, I will hold an auction somewhere.... Everyone anywhere near it will be required to bid on the air and whoever bids the least will be given a medal, in public.... Then they will be thrown on a bonfire! There'll be a bidding frenzy, I know it!

What? What do you mean? This is the official Uniform of the Caddlebear Guard and has been for over 700 years.... There is absolutely no way that there could be anything even remotely silly about such a historic uniform.... Us Caddlebears don't just dress up in silly costumes! Do we?

Um.... *Panics!* I really don't think that we need to go to the trouble of attaching chains to Caddlebear.... It'd be way more fun if we attached the chains to some kind of fireproof rubberband.... So that if they tried to escape, they'd only get so far and be flung back into the fire! That'd be so funny I am really glad you got that skin burntness attachment, it'll make it so much easier for us and more painful for them! I never thought of just cutting the skin off.... That works so well! And saves lots of time!

I’m definitely looking forward to my zombie Caddlebear stew, I can’t wait till your eyes pop between my teeth.

Just so we're clear, that scares me... Seriously...

Hang on! I thought I was supposed to be snogging a particular camel! *Eyes Essa suspiciously* You're just trying to trick me into snogging a camel, aren't you? She doesn't even keep the list in her mouth! I'm onto you..... *Sighs* Don't worry about it, I didn't get my hopes up too much, I was pretty sure you'd never be willing to pay me... But there was just that glimmer of hope... Which you so rightly completely shattered, I don't know what I was thinking!

Ow! I think it hurt exactly as much as it should've...... *Hands Essa a fancy pen, a clipboard and some grid paper* It'll be much quicker and easier for you to play noughts and crosses with that! I am sure of it.... And I have confidence in your ability to win! Yay Essa! Are you still going to be testing the skin pincher on people? Or would you rather just play?

It will most definitely be completely fixed in 3 years! Or 4.... Maybe 5.... But all of those should be your 21st birthday, so I'm sure it will work out just fine!

Are the cats very aware of surveillance equipment? I mean do we actually have to catch them in person, or can we use some hidden cameras? Because those cats have really good hearing and I wouldn't want them to notice us..... *Ponders* We must find out all their secrets! Does this mean I'm wearing the cat suit again?

Oh, I'm sure thos nasty posties won't hurt me! *Turns on the gas* They'll be rather unconscious and all I need to do is make sure they're alive, so we can keep them for later..... What should I do with any dead ones I find them? Just leave them there for the others to eat?

Ooooooh! I like the sound of that! We'll have to make sure that we don't annoy the T-Rex though.... Because they can get pretty uppity when you accidentally break a lamp over their head.... Not that I've done it before.... But I have heard rumours! This'll make us ultrasquillions!

Okay.... I'll just be super good! I'm sure I can manage it.... *Smiles hopefully at the benevolent Essa* And then you can be sure to get your doses of misery... Because I'll need to make other people look far worse than myself..... *Grins and winks at Essa* It's for the safety of the Caddlebear, very important! We're an endangered species...

Well, I wouldn't be getting made into soup until after you got here.... So there's no worries about that... But I'll send the tickets before anything bad happens to me.... I shall even be sure to add it to my will... You could come to my funeral if I died that way! I'm sure there'll be Caddlebear eating at my funeral.... So you could have tasty soup! *Nods*

*Sighs and sits in the corner* So the reason birds can fly is because they've got lots of special flight stuff in them? Of course Caddlebear! That's why penguins can fly so well..... I know! I should be feeding those cats penguins! Penguins and owls.... Then your cats will be able to fly really fast and swim! They'd be the bestest cats ever! It's brilliant! *Jumps up and down cheering!*

Are you sure you haven't played poke the cyclops with the spear before? It sounds to me like you may have natural talent for the game..... We should enter you into the world championships! Those second rate cyclops pokers will never know what hit em! And you'll get lots of fancy medals *Nods*

No! That can't be! The most lovely people in the world drink vodka..... *Hides bottle of vodka behind back* Infact, I wouldn't trust anyone that didn't drink vodka.... Not drinking vodka is a sign of dementia.... I know I read that somewhere.... Did the people that told you this happen to look a little crazy and vodka deprived?

What you need to do is get him a real phone... But make sure he has absolutely no credit.... And hide the battery, tell him he'll get it for his birthday, if he's good... He didn't specify he wanted a mobile phone battery for christmas, right? Kids need to be very specific, cos if they aren't, they'll get screwed over!

You don't want to join the Anti-Caddlebear League... Trust me.... All they do is sit around all day bitching about how Caddlebearlike Caddlebear is.... I know! So boring! But APplebears? They're super fun! And I'm sure you'll be able to catch one easily... They're kinda clumsy and they trip over lots... Plus, I am protected by the fact that they lack the energy to read this post... So I can safely call them clumsy here! *Feels doomed*

*Sits in the crater and launches mini vodka rockets to Essa* No craters there! If the bottles broke, I'd be gone....

*Huggles the ever so sweet Essa!*

Catch you soon!

 

[sunbunny3]

*Smiles and huggles Sunbunbum!*

You are a probably experiencing a kind of time lag.... You see.... Because you're starting 3 hours later.... Your mind and body get the idea that it's still the earlier time... So being awake for any time before that makes it feel as if you woke up way too early.... Then you get tired quicker during the day... And you end up feeling like it has been twice as long, because your body thinks you should've stopped working ages ago! It's punishing you for making it get up early.... And for finishing at a time that's so much later than normal, when it finally does catch up with time.... Or um, something like that?

Now why didnt I think of that????? Thank you again for the wisdom Caddlebear.

 

[Essa]

Oh, of course it's not a pornstar name! I mean take a look at me.... I am a pure and innocent Caddlebear.... What do us Caddlebears know of pornstars? We only give the absolute most appropriate names for anything.... Essa Air is Air, straight from the wonderful Essa... What else could it possibly be named? No, it definitely needs to be called Essa Air! *Nodulates* Pots? What size will we be needing? I mean if we give them a pot that's too large, they might think that due to having so much special air, that they themselves are somehow special and that's just not right! They should be required to build a special room to keep the bottle in, that they can only enter once a week, for a price! No worries about the auction, I have it all planned.... When I have everything ready, I will hold an auction somewhere.... Everyone anywhere near it will be required to bid on the air and whoever bids the least will be given a medal, in public.... Then they will be thrown on a bonfire! There'll be a bidding frenzy, I know it!

What? What do you mean? This is the official Uniform of the Caddlebear Guard and has been for over 700 years.... There is absolutely no way that there could be anything even remotely silly about such a historic uniform.... Us Caddlebears don't just dress up in silly costumes! Do we?

Um.... *Panics!* I really don't think that we need to go to the trouble of attaching chains to Caddlebear.... It'd be way more fun if we attached the chains to some kind of fireproof rubberband.... So that if they tried to escape, they'd only get so far and be flung back into the fire! That'd be so funny I am really glad you got that skin burntness attachment, it'll make it so much easier for us and more painful for them! I never thought of just cutting the skin off.... That works so well! And saves lots of time!



Just so we're clear, that scares me... Seriously...

Hang on! I thought I was supposed to be snogging a particular camel! *Eyes Essa suspiciously* You're just trying to trick me into snogging a camel, aren't you? She doesn't even keep the list in her mouth! I'm onto you..... *Sighs* Don't worry about it, I didn't get my hopes up too much, I was pretty sure you'd never be willing to pay me... But there was just that glimmer of hope... Which you so rightly completely shattered, I don't know what I was thinking!

Ow! I think it hurt exactly as much as it should've...... *Hands Essa a fancy pen, a clipboard and some grid paper* It'll be much quicker and easier for you to play noughts and crosses with that! I am sure of it.... And I have confidence in your ability to win! Yay Essa! Are you still going to be testing the skin pincher on people? Or would you rather just play?

It will most definitely be completely fixed in 3 years! Or 4.... Maybe 5.... But all of those should be your 21st birthday, so I'm sure it will work out just fine!

Are the cats very aware of surveillance equipment? I mean do we actually have to catch them in person, or can we use some hidden cameras? Because those cats have really good hearing and I wouldn't want them to notice us..... *Ponders* We must find out all their secrets! Does this mean I'm wearing the cat suit again?

Oh, I'm sure thos nasty posties won't hurt me! *Turns on the gas* They'll be rather unconscious and all I need to do is make sure they're alive, so we can keep them for later..... What should I do with any dead ones I find them? Just leave them there for the others to eat?

Ooooooh! I like the sound of that! We'll have to make sure that we don't annoy the T-Rex though.... Because they can get pretty uppity when you accidentally break a lamp over their head.... Not that I've done it before.... But I have heard rumours! This'll make us ultrasquillions!

Okay.... I'll just be super good! I'm sure I can manage it.... *Smiles hopefully at the benevolent Essa* And then you can be sure to get your doses of misery... Because I'll need to make other people look far worse than myself..... *Grins and winks at Essa* It's for the safety of the Caddlebear, very important! We're an endangered species...

Well, I wouldn't be getting made into soup until after you got here.... So there's no worries about that... But I'll send the tickets before anything bad happens to me.... I shall even be sure to add it to my will... You could come to my funeral if I died that way! I'm sure there'll be Caddlebear eating at my funeral.... So you could have tasty soup! *Nods*

*Sighs and sits in the corner* So the reason birds can fly is because they've got lots of special flight stuff in them? Of course Caddlebear! That's why penguins can fly so well..... I know! I should be feeding those cats penguins! Penguins and owls.... Then your cats will be able to fly really fast and swim! They'd be the bestest cats ever! It's brilliant! *Jumps up and down cheering!*

Are you sure you haven't played poke the cyclops with the spear before? It sounds to me like you may have natural talent for the game..... We should enter you into the world championships! Those second rate cyclops pokers will never know what hit em! And you'll get lots of fancy medals *Nods*

No! That can't be! The most lovely people in the world drink vodka..... *Hides bottle of vodka behind back* Infact, I wouldn't trust anyone that didn't drink vodka.... Not drinking vodka is a sign of dementia.... I know I read that somewhere.... Did the people that told you this happen to look a little crazy and vodka deprived?

What you need to do is get him a real phone... But make sure he has absolutely no credit.... And hide the battery, tell him he'll get it for his birthday, if he's good... He didn't specify he wanted a mobile phone battery for christmas, right? Kids need to be very specific, cos if they aren't, they'll get screwed over!

You don't want to join the Anti-Caddlebear League... Trust me.... All they do is sit around all day bitching about how Caddlebearlike Caddlebear is.... I know! So boring! But APplebears? They're super fun! And I'm sure you'll be able to catch one easily... They're kinda clumsy and they trip over lots... Plus, I am protected by the fact that they lack the energy to read this post... So I can safely call them clumsy here! *Feels doomed*

*Sits in the crater and launches mini vodka rockets to Essa* No craters there! If the bottles broke, I'd be gone....

*Huggles the ever so sweet Essa!*

Catch you soon!

Essa Air it is then, as long as you’re sure? I shall trust your wisdomness on this one. Besides I’ve always wanted to have a special name, Essa is so plain and boring, certainly not befitting for someone as wonderful as me. We’ll give them a Thumbelina sized pot, that’s small enough for them not to be getting special status ideas, but big enough to get a whiff of Essa Air whenever they’re feeling sad or lonely. The auction sounds amazing, you sure do have a certain flair for this kind of thing. I can’t wait for the bonfire, is there any chance we could put the ten least bidders on it, that way we’ll get extra minutes of fun?

700 years? Hmmm I thought you looked older than that, oh well, looks can be deceiving I suppose, I mean anyone looking at me knows exactly how young I am and if they don’t say the correct age they get tortured ‘till they do Your costume isn’t silly at all *stifles a giggle* It’s very erm…you. Besides if anyone says you look like a plank just send them to me, I’ll sort ‘em out, see how kind I am?

You’re right again, so what’s gonna happen is, I attach a chain to you and then attach you to a fireproof rubber band, you’re still gonna be attached to the burning peoples and when they make a run for it you all get flung back into the fire. Excellent Caddlebear thinking there, I’m so glad you thought of that, I’d never have had that kinda brainwave in a squillion years. *Huggles the panic-stricken Caddlebear* Cutting off their skin does indeed save time, otherwise we’d have to wait ‘till they’d been treated in hospital for months before we can chuck them back on the fire, where’s the fun in that? This way a quick slice of their skin and they’ll be back on the fire burning again in no time.

Aww I’m sorry, *Huggles the petrified Caddlebear* I didn’t think you’d actually mind me popping your eyes ‘cause I’m your friend after all, the world is in a truly sorry state if you can’t tell your friends what you want to do to them

I wasn’t trying to trick you into snogging any old camel at all, what kinda woman do you take me for? Second thoughts don’t answer that, All the camels look the same to me, I can’t tell Camilla from Jamilla, meaning you have to snog the lot of them to find the list. I feel you’re being a tad mardy here, do you want to get me my money or not? I do so love building people up and then shattering their dreams in one foul swoop, it’s a gift of mine.

*Admires my fancy pen, clipboard and grid paper, starts a game of noughts and crosses with myself* Damn, I lost, I knew I shouldn’t have put that cross there. *chucks the pen at Caddlebear and smiles as it gets stuck in his eye* I feel better already I think I’d like to play with other peoples and if I lose they’ll be skin-pinched, how does that sound?

I’m afraid cats are very intelligent, to find all their secrets you need to become one of them, although you’ll look a bit larger than a normal cat my secret weapon will definitely fool them. *Puts the bow on Caddlebears head* there you go, they’ll never tell the difference now.

Better to leave the dead ones where they fell, I’ve been a little busy of late, I can’t be wasting my time keep taking them food and water and stuff, they can eat their dead comrades, meaning I can get on with more important stuff like painting my toe nails, you ever seen a woman with chipped nail varnish, it’s yucky *shivers at the thought of there not being enough time to paint toe nails* The live posties will understand I’m sure of it.

T-Rex’s get uppity? How dare they, they should be enthralled at being in my company, how about we purposely smash a lamp over their heads? If they think it wasn’t an accident they might feel better about it.

Caddlebears are endangered species, why didn’t anyone tell me that before? *clears out the shed of posties and posties remains* I want a couple, don’t worry I’ll look after them, I shall expect two in the post tomorrow, I know you won’t let me down.

You’re so thoughtful *Huggles the generous Caddlebear* I’d love to come to your funeral, would it be o.k if I stayed with you the night before, I could do all kinds of experiments and you wouldn’t feel a thing?

Penguins are the bestest fliers in the whole universe, the reason people never actually see them fly is because they’re so damn fast, in a blink of an eye they’ve flown 17 squillion miles. Kindly go to the Antarctic and bring twenty three penguins back, feed them to the cats and hey presto I shall finally have my flying diving cats.

I’ve never ever played poke the cyclops before, honestly *Hides the poke the cyclops champion certificates awarded to Essa nine years on the trot* I didn’t even know there were world championships, how come I’m always the last to know everything?

You know they did have a certain deadness in their eyes, do you think they were just trying to spoil my fun? Perhaps we could force a tube down these peoples throats and pour a litre of vodka down, obviously it would have to be your vodka, mines way to precious to waste.

Yay what a plan, you know the good thing? His birthdays not ‘till June so he’ll have to wait six months to be able to get the battery and another six months on top of that to get credit. You sure you haven’t got ten kids hidden away somewhere, you’d make an excellent dad

But I like bitching about Caddlebears it’s fun *Joins the anti-Caddlebear league* APplebears are fun and easy to catch you say, any chance you could catch me one, should be easy enough, just wait ‘till they trip over and throw a net over them. Imagine the fun we’d have watching them squirm. You really feel you are protected by the fact they haven’t the energy to read your posts? *Massive huggles for the delusional Caddlebear*

Why Caddlebear do I keep forgetting to ask a question?

*Huggles and snuggles for a wonderful evening*

 

[Cadoras]

Now why didnt I think of that????? Thank you again for the wisdom Caddlebear.

*Huggles Sunbunbum!*

You're welcome!

Yay!

If you ever have any other questions, you know who to ask!

 

[Cadoras]

Essa Air it is then, as long as you’re sure? I shall trust your wisdomness on this one. Besides I’ve always wanted to have a special name, Essa is so plain and boring, certainly not befitting for someone as wonderful as me. We’ll give them a Thumbelina sized pot, that’s small enough for them not to be getting special status ideas, but big enough to get a whiff of Essa Air whenever they’re feeling sad or lonely. The auction sounds amazing, you sure do have a certain flair for this kind of thing. I can’t wait for the bonfire, is there any chance we could put the ten least bidders on it, that way we’ll get extra minutes of fun?

700 years? Hmmm I thought you looked older than that, oh well, looks can be deceiving I suppose, I mean anyone looking at me knows exactly how young I am and if they don’t say the correct age they get tortured ‘till they do Your costume isn’t silly at all *stifles a giggle* It’s very erm…you. Besides if anyone says you look like a plank just send them to me, I’ll sort ‘em out, see how kind I am?

You’re right again, so what’s gonna happen is, I attach a chain to you and then attach you to a fireproof rubber band, you’re still gonna be attached to the burning peoples and when they make a run for it you all get flung back into the fire. Excellent Caddlebear thinking there, I’m so glad you thought of that, I’d never have had that kinda brainwave in a squillion years. *Huggles the panic-stricken Caddlebear* Cutting off their skin does indeed save time, otherwise we’d have to wait ‘till they’d been treated in hospital for months before we can chuck them back on the fire, where’s the fun in that? This way a quick slice of their skin and they’ll be back on the fire burning again in no time.

Aww I’m sorry, *Huggles the petrified Caddlebear* I didn’t think you’d actually mind me popping your eyes ‘cause I’m your friend after all, the world is in a truly sorry state if you can’t tell your friends what you want to do to them

I wasn’t trying to trick you into snogging any old camel at all, what kinda woman do you take me for? Second thoughts don’t answer that, All the camels look the same to me, I can’t tell Camilla from Jamilla, meaning you have to snog the lot of them to find the list. I feel you’re being a tad mardy here, do you want to get me my money or not? I do so love building people up and then shattering their dreams in one foul swoop, it’s a gift of mine.

*Admires my fancy pen, clipboard and grid paper, starts a game of noughts and crosses with myself* Damn, I lost, I knew I shouldn’t have put that cross there. *chucks the pen at Caddlebear and smiles as it gets stuck in his eye* I feel better already I think I’d like to play with other peoples and if I lose they’ll be skin-pinched, how does that sound?

I’m afraid cats are very intelligent, to find all their secrets you need to become one of them, although you’ll look a bit larger than a normal cat my secret weapon will definitely fool them. *Puts the bow on Caddlebears head* there you go, they’ll never tell the difference now.

Better to leave the dead ones where they fell, I’ve been a little busy of late, I can’t be wasting my time keep taking them food and water and stuff, they can eat their dead comrades, meaning I can get on with more important stuff like painting my toe nails, you ever seen a woman with chipped nail varnish, it’s yucky *shivers at the thought of there not being enough time to paint toe nails* The live posties will understand I’m sure of it.

T-Rex’s get uppity? How dare they, they should be enthralled at being in my company, how about we purposely smash a lamp over their heads? If they think it wasn’t an accident they might feel better about it.

Caddlebears are endangered species, why didn’t anyone tell me that before? *clears out the shed of posties and posties remains* I want a couple, don’t worry I’ll look after them, I shall expect two in the post tomorrow, I know you won’t let me down.

You’re so thoughtful *Huggles the generous Caddlebear* I’d love to come to your funeral, would it be o.k if I stayed with you the night before, I could do all kinds of experiments and you wouldn’t feel a thing?

Penguins are the bestest fliers in the whole universe, the reason people never actually see them fly is because they’re so damn fast, in a blink of an eye they’ve flown 17 squillion miles. Kindly go to the Antarctic and bring twenty three penguins back, feed them to the cats and hey presto I shall finally have my flying diving cats.

I’ve never ever played poke the cyclops before, honestly *Hides the poke the cyclops champion certificates awarded to Essa nine years on the trot* I didn’t even know there were world championships, how come I’m always the last to know everything?

You know they did have a certain deadness in their eyes, do you think they were just trying to spoil my fun? Perhaps we could force a tube down these peoples throats and pour a litre of vodka down, obviously it would have to be your vodka, mines way to precious to waste.

Yay what a plan, you know the good thing? His birthdays not ‘till June so he’ll have to wait six months to be able to get the battery and another six months on top of that to get credit. You sure you haven’t got ten kids hidden away somewhere, you’d make an excellent dad

But I like bitching about Caddlebears it’s fun *Joins the anti-Caddlebear league* APplebears are fun and easy to catch you say, any chance you could catch me one, should be easy enough, just wait ‘till they trip over and throw a net over them. Imagine the fun we’d have watching them squirm. You really feel you are protected by the fact they haven’t the energy to read your posts? *Massive huggles for the delusional Caddlebear*

Why Caddlebear do I keep forgetting to ask a question?

*Huggles and snuggles for a wonderful evening*

But you already have a special name! I mean... Empressa Essa? Your name is already half of a title all by itself! If we made your name too much more exciting... Your name might start getting ideas of it's own... And we don't need a powermad name out there, causing trouble for you.... Wow! Thumbelina sized? That is very generous of you.... I am positive that the people will be falling over each other, to get such a wonderful item! Will we be using sparkly bows on the pots? Or is that too good for the commoners? *Thinks* Well.... These kinds of things are fun! So I do my best to plan them! Maybe we could announce the lowest bidder first and put them on the bonfire.... Then announce that 9 other lowest bidders will be getting medals too, just before the auction ends... To encourage last minute bidding! I know you'll love it!

*Brushes off old age dust* Yes, it's very difficult for people to tell the age of us ancient Caddlebears.... I think there's a point where age stops being important.... It could be around 400 years or so... So you have a long way to go there! *Glances at Essa* You're 18, right? I know that my costume looks very dashing! And any of those people that can't see that, because they're lacking in any kind of fashion sense.... Well, they aren't important! *Gwares at them*

Oh dear.... That's it! I'm gonna forbid these medalists from running away! *Gets out a hammer and some huge nails* It's time to start nailing feet to the bonfire... I'm sorry, there's no way around it.... Can't have these people running away.... The safety of Caddlebears is far more important than commoners.... Okay! *Smiles at Essa* I think we're all set! You are so smart! And fresh mouse skin just sticks straight onto burnt skin.... So we don't even need to worry about stitching or anything! They'll be so happy, they'll throw themself back on the fire! *Nods*

Awwwwws, it's okay Essa! *Gives Essa lots of happy, non scared huggles!* You can have my eyeballs... They've been giving me nothing but trouble lately.... It'll serve them right to be eaten!

Well.... Couldn't I just snog the camel in the fancy hat, with the list sticking out of her mouth? She's right over there.... *Points* She's even got a name tag and everything.... You shall get your money soon! I promise... I shall just go off and snog that camel... I hope the list is waterproof.... This could be unpleasant..... *Huggles the always crushing dreams Essa* It's a very useful skill to have! People are so very agreeable when they've just had their dreams shattered....

Ouch! I think it's probably for the best that I'm giving my eyes away... Nothing but trouble! *Hands the pen back to Essa* We won't tell the people that if they win, they'll be skin-pinched.... We wouldn't want to rob you of any fun! But, if they lose too much.... I think they should be skin-pinched anyway... For not providing enough of a challenge! Have to keep them on their toes!

*Rubs fishyness over self* Hmmmms..... Am I convincingly catlike yet? *Looks in mirror...* Yay! Caddlebearkitty! *Licks paw* I've even convinced me! Meow? Now off to eavesdrop on those cats! Maybe I can even get them to let me join one of their exclusive clubs!

*Sends a letter to the posties* There.... I've taken care of their need for food.... I'm sure when one of their postie friends comes to deliver the letter, they'll realise that it's meal time and leap on him.... But don't worry, they can't escape from the shed.... I made sure they were chained in place... Well, I hope they can't escape, they'd probably die from blood loss if they did, then the other posties would get them! Chipped nail varnish? That can't be good at all! *Huggles the poor, almost chipped nail varnish wearing Essa*

Those T-Rex's seem very ungrateful to me! So I'm sure that they couldn't blame anyone for smashing a lamp or two on their head, as long as they really meant it... If they complain, we can always point out that they were being way too mardy... Bad T-Rex's! *Gwares*

*Glances around nervously...* But I can't send you two Caddlebears.... There's only one.... Unless you can clone Caddlebears? I can't clone anything properly yet.... But I've been trying the whole penguin cloning thing.... I shall keep you up to date on the results!

Um... Well.... Sure... I don't see any reason you couldn't stay over for a while, before the funeral.... But you wouldn't be doing anything strange, like something that might benefit humanity or something, right? Cos that would just be creepy and I don't think I'd want to be part of anything like that! *Worries about what might happen to humanity*

I knows all about them sneaky penguins! *Holds up his certificate of penguin expertness* See? But those penguins are very tricky.... *Ponders* Does it take 23 penguins per flying cat? Or do you have other purposes for some of the penguins? You'll need to let me know, before it's too late.... And don't worry! I'm going to grab some of the really big ones too.... I hear those ones are smart.... Can't have a flying, diving cat that's stupid....

Well, you don't need to worry, really! You have to be 18 to even get into the world championships.... So you couldn't enter before this year! I am sure you will be the undisputed champion in absolutely no time at all! *Hands you a super special cyclops poking stick* I made this one myself, just for you! I know you'll do wonderfully

Absolutely! Those evil non vodka drinking types! They're always out to ruin things for us pure and innocent vodka people.... *Gwares at them* An entire litre of my vodka? We should probably force them to buy their own.... They don't deserve free vodka.... Only wonderful people should ever be given vodka for free! *Hands the wonderful Essa a bottle of vodka* See? It's a great honour to be given vodka!

*Winks at Essa* You could get him the credit before you get him the battery.... Then by the time he gets the battery, the credit would've expired and he'd be so broken hearted! Cos then he'll have to wait even longer! And no... No children for me... I'd never be trusted with them... *Sighs* For some reason, people get the idea that I'm mean or something.... I have no clue why.... *Whistles innocently*

Oh fine! Go ahead and bitch about Caddlebears! But I'm telling you... It won't be any fun.... No one even burns Caddlebear effigies... We have to make sure we don't make the net out of something tasty though.... Those APplebears have a way of eating nets, if they're tasty enough.... Tricky they are! *Nods* Hey... I might be protected.... I mean, I still seem to be okay now.... So I don't see why I shouldn't continue to be so.... *Glances around worriedly*

Caddlebear has an impending sense of doom..... *Reads the question again* Yes, doom....

Now, the reason you keep forgetting to leave a question is quite clearly due to your um, dedication to the whole replying to of the rest of the post! You get so carried away with what you're doing, that you completely forget that you might need a question... So when the time comes to end the post.... You don't even notice that anything is missing... Because it looks very complete! It takes lots of effort to even notice the missing question... And effort writing a reply, that energy just isn't there..... Caddlebear understands!

*Huge huggles for the super exhausted Essa!*

Have a wonderful day Essa!

 

[sunbunny3]

*Huggles Sunbunbum!*

You're welcome!

Yay!

If you ever have any other questions, you know who to ask!

That I do... the man with all the answers.. Yay!

 

[Essa]

But you already have a special name! I mean... Empressa Essa? Your name is already half of a title all by itself! If we made your name too much more exciting... Your name might start getting ideas of it's own... And we don't need a powermad name out there, causing trouble for you.... Wow! Thumbelina sized? That is very generous of you.... I am positive that the people will be falling over each other, to get such a wonderful item! Will we be using sparkly bows on the pots? Or is that too good for the commoners? *Thinks* Well.... These kinds of things are fun! So I do my best to plan them! Maybe we could announce the lowest bidder first and put them on the bonfire.... Then announce that 9 other lowest bidders will be getting medals too, just before the auction ends... To encourage last minute bidding! I know you'll love it!

*Brushes off old age dust* Yes, it's very difficult for people to tell the age of us ancient Caddlebears.... I think there's a point where age stops being important.... It could be around 400 years or so... So you have a long way to go there! *Glances at Essa* You're 18, right? I know that my costume looks very dashing! And any of those people that can't see that, because they're lacking in any kind of fashion sense.... Well, they aren't important! *Gwares at them*

Oh dear.... That's it! I'm gonna forbid these medalists from running away! *Gets out a hammer and some huge nails* It's time to start nailing feet to the bonfire... I'm sorry, there's no way around it.... Can't have these people running away.... The safety of Caddlebears is far more important than commoners.... Okay! *Smiles at Essa* I think we're all set! You are so smart! And fresh mouse skin just sticks straight onto burnt skin.... So we don't even need to worry about stitching or anything! They'll be so happy, they'll throw themself back on the fire! *Nods*

Awwwwws, it's okay Essa! *Gives Essa lots of happy, non scared huggles!* You can have my eyeballs... They've been giving me nothing but trouble lately.... It'll serve them right to be eaten!

Well.... Couldn't I just snog the camel in the fancy hat, with the list sticking out of her mouth? She's right over there.... *Points* She's even got a name tag and everything.... You shall get your money soon! I promise... I shall just go off and snog that camel... I hope the list is waterproof.... This could be unpleasant..... *Huggles the always crushing dreams Essa* It's a very useful skill to have! People are so very agreeable when they've just had their dreams shattered....

Ouch! I think it's probably for the best that I'm giving my eyes away... Nothing but trouble! *Hands the pen back to Essa* We won't tell the people that if they win, they'll be skin-pinched.... We wouldn't want to rob you of any fun! But, if they lose too much.... I think they should be skin-pinched anyway... For not providing enough of a challenge! Have to keep them on their toes!

*Rubs fishyness over self* Hmmmms..... Am I convincingly catlike yet? *Looks in mirror...* Yay! Caddlebearkitty! *Licks paw* I've even convinced me! Meow? Now off to eavesdrop on those cats! Maybe I can even get them to let me join one of their exclusive clubs!

*Sends a letter to the posties* There.... I've taken care of their need for food.... I'm sure when one of their postie friends comes to deliver the letter, they'll realise that it's meal time and leap on him.... But don't worry, they can't escape from the shed.... I made sure they were chained in place... Well, I hope they can't escape, they'd probably die from blood loss if they did, then the other posties would get them! Chipped nail varnish? That can't be good at all! *Huggles the poor, almost chipped nail varnish wearing Essa*

Those T-Rex's seem very ungrateful to me! So I'm sure that they couldn't blame anyone for smashing a lamp or two on their head, as long as they really meant it... If they complain, we can always point out that they were being way too mardy... Bad T-Rex's! *Gwares*

*Glances around nervously...* But I can't send you two Caddlebears.... There's only one.... Unless you can clone Caddlebears? I can't clone anything properly yet.... But I've been trying the whole penguin cloning thing.... I shall keep you up to date on the results!

Um... Well.... Sure... I don't see any reason you couldn't stay over for a while, before the funeral.... But you wouldn't be doing anything strange, like something that might benefit humanity or something, right? Cos that would just be creepy and I don't think I'd want to be part of anything like that! *Worries about what might happen to humanity*

I knows all about them sneaky penguins! *Holds up his certificate of penguin expertness* See? But those penguins are very tricky.... *Ponders* Does it take 23 penguins per flying cat? Or do you have other purposes for some of the penguins? You'll need to let me know, before it's too late.... And don't worry! I'm going to grab some of the really big ones too.... I hear those ones are smart.... Can't have a flying, diving cat that's stupid....

Well, you don't need to worry, really! You have to be 18 to even get into the world championships.... So you couldn't enter before this year! I am sure you will be the undisputed champion in absolutely no time at all! *Hands you a super special cyclops poking stick* I made this one myself, just for you! I know you'll do wonderfully

Absolutely! Those evil non vodka drinking types! They're always out to ruin things for us pure and innocent vodka people.... *Gwares at them* An entire litre of my vodka? We should probably force them to buy their own.... They don't deserve free vodka.... Only wonderful people should ever be given vodka for free! *Hands the wonderful Essa a bottle of vodka* See? It's a great honour to be given vodka!

*Winks at Essa* You could get him the credit before you get him the battery.... Then by the time he gets the battery, the credit would've expired and he'd be so broken hearted! Cos then he'll have to wait even longer! And no... No children for me... I'd never be trusted with them... *Sighs* For some reason, people get the idea that I'm mean or something.... I have no clue why.... *Whistles innocently*

Oh fine! Go ahead and bitch about Caddlebears! But I'm telling you... It won't be any fun.... No one even burns Caddlebear effigies... We have to make sure we don't make the net out of something tasty though.... Those APplebears have a way of eating nets, if they're tasty enough.... Tricky they are! *Nods* Hey... I might be protected.... I mean, I still seem to be okay now.... So I don't see why I shouldn't continue to be so.... *Glances around worriedly*

Caddlebear has an impending sense of doom..... *Reads the question again* Yes, doom....

Now, the reason you keep forgetting to leave a question is quite clearly due to your um, dedication to the whole replying to of the rest of the post! You get so carried away with what you're doing, that you completely forget that you might need a question... So when the time comes to end the post.... You don't even notice that anything is missing... Because it looks very complete! It takes lots of effort to even notice the missing question... And effort writing a reply, that energy just isn't there..... Caddlebear understands!

*Huge huggles for the super exhausted Essa!*

Have a wonderful day Essa!

Empressa Essa….I love it *preens oneself* There could never be a better name for me, I mean it’s way better than plain old Queen Essa. I’ve decided I now want my picture on pound notes and stamps, if it’s good enough for the Queen Elizabeth it’s good enough for Empressa Essa. Kindly see to it Caddlebear. I adore last minute bidding, just seing the panic in their faces when they realise they might get burnt makes my day complete

*Coughs while inhaling the old age dust* Wow, only 382 years to go before I get old? Oh dear, time tends to go so fast one day you’re sitting happily playing with your dolls at just 18 and the next you’re happily playing with your dolls at 38, I don’t want to be 38, any chance you can find some young age dust and pop it in the post to me?

You’re really gonna nail peoples feet to the bonfire? What an excellent idea, damn, I should have thought of that. *takes the hammer and huge nails off Caddlebear* I’m not really sure it would work though, if you just put your foot over there maybe I could try it out on you first? Fresh mouse skin really is the best, a bit like sellotape really, the first bit takes ages to get off with your teeth but after that it flows smoothly. I always find holding a piece of cheese to the mouth while you’re ripping off it’s skin works well. I mean we don’t want to come across as cruel or anything.

You’re to kind, ever tried any yourself? The bit where they pop between your teeth and all goo runs down your throat is the best.*Huggles the no-eyed Caddlebear*

I suppose you could snog that camel if you really wanted to, by the way did I mention there are decoy camels? Looks like you best start puckering up your lips, you could be in for a long day. I found my dream shattering skill from a very young age, it always make me smile to see the hurt on crushed Caddlebears faces

How about we skin-pinch random people, force them to play noughts and crosses then if they lose skin-pinch them for being crap and if they win skin-pinch them for being clever. I think that could work?

*Holds my nose to keep out the fishy smell* Yuck, you sure are convincing now, with any luck they’ll eat you…erm I mean embrace you into their cat world. *Huggles Caddlebearkitty and knots his fur together to get a realistic cat look*

You’re such a Superduper Caddlebear, who else in the whole wide world would get posties to eat each other so I could spend time painting my toe nails? Shaving off the big toe hair does take time and precision as well. I need to ensure I look my best at all times.

I hate mardy T-Rex’s don’t you? They should be grateful we took the time to bring them back from the dead, fancy moaning about having a lamp smashed on their head, I think it’s time we made them extinct again don’t you?

I can’t clone anything, I once tried on an ant, you wouldn’t believe how close I got either, I was a titch away from making world history and I stood on it. Well it wasn’t my fault, it got in the way, what was I supposed to do, walk around it?

Of course I wouldn’t do anything strange, a bit weird maybe but nothing strange. I’d be the perfect house guest I promise. Besides it wouldn’t matter what I did to you if you were dead ‘cause you wouldn’t be able to feel it, not that I would do anything ‘cause I’m to sweet and young, just saying if….*Huggles the right to be worried Caddlebear*

It takes precisely 23 penguins per flying cat, did you think I was making it up? I don’t think you’ll ever catch a big one though, I heard a whisper they’re black belts at karate, still you can try if you want. Hey!! Who says a flying diving cat is stupid? If Empressa Essa wants a flying diving cat, Empressa Essa shall have one, and you’re the one who’s going to get me one if you know what’s good for you.

Awwww fanku, *Examines the super special Cyclops poking stick* I hope it’s unused, I have a fear of anything second hand….Ugh, is that eyegoo I spy on the end? *Faints*

O.k then, we’ll get them to buy their own and force them to hand it over to us.*Accepts the bottle of vodka of Caddlebear* It sure is the best honour in the whole world to be given free vodka, but something is troubling me, Caddlebear forgot to bow

Excellent plan, you don’t know how much I’m looking forward to Christmas now, I thought it was gonna be just another boring day till I heard your ideas, I can’t wait to look at number one son’s face on Christmas morning, he’ll be so excited ‘till he realises he can’t use it, then the real joy for me will be his face, crumpled in tears. No children for you? Shame that, you’ll have to come over here for Christmas then, can’t leave you out of all the fun

*Makes a Caddlebear effigy and strikes a match* What you on about it’s no fun? It’s way fun. APplebears eat nets? Better make one out of iron then just to be on the safe side. You only think you’re protected because I haven’t actually told Applebear what you’ve put, I’m waiting ‘till you think you’re safe and then I’m gonna start telling’

Oh so that’s what it was, there was I thinking I was just thick. Why Caddlebear do a pair of school shoes cost forty pounds?

*Huge huggles sent back*

Have a wonderful evening

 

[asian_princess]

DOOM.

Sense it, Caddlebear.
And learn to LIVE WITH IT.


I'll. Be. Bahhhk.​

 

[Cadoras]

Empressa Essa….I love it *preens oneself* There could never be a better name for me, I mean it’s way better than plain old Queen Essa. I’ve decided I now want my picture on pound notes and stamps, if it’s good enough for the Queen Elizabeth it’s good enough for Empressa Essa. Kindly see to it Caddlebear. I adore last minute bidding, just seing the panic in their faces when they realise they might get burnt makes my day complete

*Coughs while inhaling the old age dust* Wow, only 382 years to go before I get old? Oh dear, time tends to go so fast one day you’re sitting happily playing with your dolls at just 18 and the next you’re happily playing with your dolls at 38, I don’t want to be 38, any chance you can find some young age dust and pop it in the post to me?

You’re really gonna nail peoples feet to the bonfire? What an excellent idea, damn, I should have thought of that. *takes the hammer and huge nails off Caddlebear* I’m not really sure it would work though, if you just put your foot over there maybe I could try it out on you first? Fresh mouse skin really is the best, a bit like sellotape really, the first bit takes ages to get off with your teeth but after that it flows smoothly. I always find holding a piece of cheese to the mouth while you’re ripping off it’s skin works well. I mean we don’t want to come across as cruel or anything.

You’re to kind, ever tried any yourself? The bit where they pop between your teeth and all goo runs down your throat is the best.*Huggles the no-eyed Caddlebear*

I suppose you could snog that camel if you really wanted to, by the way did I mention there are decoy camels? Looks like you best start puckering up your lips, you could be in for a long day. I found my dream shattering skill from a very young age, it always make me smile to see the hurt on crushed Caddlebears faces

How about we skin-pinch random people, force them to play noughts and crosses then if they lose skin-pinch them for being crap and if they win skin-pinch them for being clever. I think that could work?

*Holds my nose to keep out the fishy smell* Yuck, you sure are convincing now, with any luck they’ll eat you…erm I mean embrace you into their cat world. *Huggles Caddlebearkitty and knots his fur together to get a realistic cat look*

You’re such a Superduper Caddlebear, who else in the whole wide world would get posties to eat each other so I could spend time painting my toe nails? Shaving off the big toe hair does take time and precision as well. I need to ensure I look my best at all times.

I hate mardy T-Rex’s don’t you? They should be grateful we took the time to bring them back from the dead, fancy moaning about having a lamp smashed on their head, I think it’s time we made them extinct again don’t you?

I can’t clone anything, I once tried on an ant, you wouldn’t believe how close I got either, I was a titch away from making world history and I stood on it. Well it wasn’t my fault, it got in the way, what was I supposed to do, walk around it?

Of course I wouldn’t do anything strange, a bit weird maybe but nothing strange. I’d be the perfect house guest I promise. Besides it wouldn’t matter what I did to you if you were dead ‘cause you wouldn’t be able to feel it, not that I would do anything ‘cause I’m to sweet and young, just saying if….*Huggles the right to be worried Caddlebear*

It takes precisely 23 penguins per flying cat, did you think I was making it up? I don’t think you’ll ever catch a big one though, I heard a whisper they’re black belts at karate, still you can try if you want. Hey!! Who says a flying diving cat is stupid? If Empressa Essa wants a flying diving cat, Empressa Essa shall have one, and you’re the one who’s going to get me one if you know what’s good for you.

Awwww fanku, *Examines the super special Cyclops poking stick* I hope it’s unused, I have a fear of anything second hand….Ugh, is that eyegoo I spy on the end? *Faints*

O.k then, we’ll get them to buy their own and force them to hand it over to us.*Accepts the bottle of vodka of Caddlebear* It sure is the best honour in the whole world to be given free vodka, but something is troubling me, Caddlebear forgot to bow

Excellent plan, you don’t know how much I’m looking forward to Christmas now, I thought it was gonna be just another boring day till I heard your ideas, I can’t wait to look at number one son’s face on Christmas morning, he’ll be so excited ‘till he realises he can’t use it, then the real joy for me will be his face, crumpled in tears. No children for you? Shame that, you’ll have to come over here for Christmas then, can’t leave you out of all the fun

*Makes a Caddlebear effigy and strikes a match* What you on about it’s no fun? It’s way fun. APplebears eat nets? Better make one out of iron then just to be on the safe side. You only think you’re protected because I haven’t actually told Applebear what you’ve put, I’m waiting ‘till you think you’re safe and then I’m gonna start telling’

Oh so that’s what it was, there was I thinking I was just thick. Why Caddlebear do a pair of school shoes cost forty pounds?

*Huge huggles sent back*

Have a wonderful evening

*Struggles back with a large pile of printing equipment* Okay.... I think I have everything we need.... We'll have this money printed in no time! If you'll just decide which pictures you want to use for the pound notes and the stamps.... Can't have me using the wrong pictures, can we? And I think we might need new amounts for the notes! Something more interesting than just like 5 and 10..... Maybe a 13 pound note? That'll be fancy! Well... We do have an added bonus with the last minute bidding... If someone doesn't seem to be bidding well enough, we can start prodding them toward the fire..... *Winks*

I'm sorry! You weren't supposed to inhale that dust! *Hands you a super huge bag of young age dust* I don't even need to send it by post... It's magical and can be there instantly! So, now you can get back to playing with your dolls, and only be 18! Happy 18th Birthday Empressa Essa! *Cheers and gives you a cake!*

Look! One of them's trying to get away! Quick Essa! Nail his feet to the floor! *Pushes a commoner over* There! Hurry! This is the perfect opportunity to see if nailing their feet to the floor will work.... I mean this one's trying to escape and everything... I can't think of a better chance! *Looks at the mice* So, do we cut the skin, then rip it off with our teeth? I've never used one of these first aid mice before.... Oh! What kind of cheese do we need to give them? I mean is there a certain kind that is considered the least cruel for mice? Some might even be considered generous?

No... I haven't actually eaten eyeballs before.... But from the sound of it, they'd be quite similar to creme eggs? Those are so tasty! Maybe that's what creme eggs really are..... That'd explain lots of things! Like why I can only seem to find them for sale around Easter.... That's when the poor rabbits have to sell their eyes to buy chocolate eggs for random children.... *Shakes fist* Evil rich rabbits!

Decoy camels? Why would there be decoy camels? And does that mean that there are fake lists too? Maybe I'll need to snog a camel, get the list... Then try robbing a few of the camels on the list, just so I can see if they're actually rich camels..... You're right, this could take a long time.... Awwww! Well, as long as it makes you smile! I'd hate my hurt to be for absolutely nothing! *Sighs in a crushed dreams sorta way*

Of course! And, just to make things more fun for you.... We skin-pinch them if they take a spot you wanted.... And we also skin-pinch them if you somehow make a mistake.... We have to keep those people on their toes.... Can't have them thinking the game's supposed to be fun for them! *Gwares at them*

*Runs away from the cats!* Help me! They're trying to eat me! Somebody save me! Erm.... Essa? Did you glue this cat costume to me? They think I'm a catfish! This is not good! There's too many of them! Caddlebear dooooooomed! *Runs around in circles crazily* Oh, good... They went to call the asylum... I should be safe.... *Sits down*

I'm hoping that no one else would be willing to go to the length of getting posties to each other for you.... That way I can keep my job.... *Worries* But, Caddlebear would never be replaced, right? *Smiles hopefully at Empressa Essa* I'm sure you always look your very best! And we can't have the insignificant posties getting in the way of that!

A brilliant idea! I mean, do they not realise how difficult it is to bring a dinosaur back from extinction? A lot harder than it is to make them extinct again..... Do you have your special T-Rex prodder? We can have a special at our Dodo restaurant! Serve T-Rex for weeks! *Gwares at the Mardy dinosaurs* You brought this on yourselves!

Why would you need to walk around an ant? It was quite clearly the ant's own fault for not being stronger.... I've stepped on ants before and they've survived.... Maybe if it was a better ant, this wouldn't have happened..... Stupid ant! I am sure your next cloning attempt will go much better! Just don't clone anything squishy..... *Nods*

Oh dear.... But I guess it really doesn't matter if I'm already dead.... Wait... Are you planning on turning me into a zombie and making me go on some zombie murder spree? Because that'd be fun! Let's do that! *Jumps up and down excitedly* Can we Essa? Please? I'd love to be a zombie Caddlebear, going around randomly killing stuff! It'd rawk! *Nodulates*

23 penguins it is! The absolute best penguins I can find.... *Rubs head* Not the emperor penguins though... They hit hard.... And they move really fast for their size..... But I got me a whole bunch of the little ones! Yay! Should we race em before we feed em to the cats? Just have a few bets, make some money..... I didn't say the cat was a stupid idea! It's just that cats don't normally fly or swim... So if they were more intelligent, they'd be less likely to get killed! Your cats will be ready soon! I promise!

*Catches the fainting Empressa!* It's not used! That's a special cyclops eyegoo sealant! I promise.... I got it from the most reputable cyclops poking artifact seller..... And he'd never steer me wrong! He's a cyclops himself and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to get the wrong end of the stick....

*Bows and huggles Empressa Essa!* Caddlebear is sorry... He was just so overawed by your marvellousness! I don't suppose there's any chance that we're going to be sharing this vodka that they're going to be buying us? Or are we pouring it down their throats? I'm confused again..... *Looks hopefully at Essa*

But, the real challenge is.... Building up the present so much.... So that by the time he gets it, he simply can't wait to use it.... You can't just have him be pleasantly surprised by the present! He has to have been waiting for it for months... Then, when he finally gets it.... It's useless to him and he just sits in the corner and cries for two days! Then, you'll know you got him the right present... Hmmmmm.... Christmas? Do you get snow there at Christmas time? I shall pack my bags! *Starts packing*

Burn Caddlebear! Burn! That'll teach that evil Caddlebear! Mwuhahahahaha! Or um, something like that... It's not like I go around burning effigies of myself.... That would be strange.... APplebears only eat nets that are made out of tasty, edible things.... So, I'm pretty sure iron is a safe bet! *Nodses* Caddlebear is absolutely sure, that even if you don't tell APplebear, he is already terribly doomed.... It is the way of Caddlebears to be doomed...

Of course you aren't thick! *Huggles the completely not dense Essa!*

School shoes? Forty pounds?

Caddlebear knows all about this! You must be living in that country.... I think it's commonly referred to as England.... Now, the English people, or merfolk as they're generally called, due to the amount of water around them.... Well, they use this currency, I think it's the british pound... And they use this to pay for goods and services... But, one thing most people don't know is... Things are very expensive in england! It's why they have their own currency, so that when they go overseas they can just buy small countries with their spare change....

As for the price of those school shoes? It's to discourage you from sending stupid children to school... You have to look at if you really want to be wasting that money on special shoes, just so an idiot child can go to school.... Coal mining shoes cost far less! If you don't think your child is worth it, send them to the coal mines *Noddles*

Yay for Essa! *Huggles her hugely!*

Enjoy your evening Empressa Essa!

 

[Cadoras]

DOOM.

Sense it, Caddlebear.
And learn to LIVE WITH IT.


I'll. Be. Bahhhk.​

Caddlebear constantly lives with a sense of Doom.....

*Huggles the APplebear worriedly*

But you're still fwendly!

 

[Essa]

*Struggles back with a large pile of printing equipment* Okay.... I think I have everything we need.... We'll have this money printed in no time! If you'll just decide which pictures you want to use for the pound notes and the stamps.... Can't have me using the wrong pictures, can we? And I think we might need new amounts for the notes! Something more interesting than just like 5 and 10..... Maybe a 13 pound note? That'll be fancy! Well... We do have an added bonus with the last minute bidding... If someone doesn't seem to be bidding well enough, we can start prodding them toward the fire..... *Winks*

I'm sorry! You weren't supposed to inhale that dust! *Hands you a super huge bag of young age dust* I don't even need to send it by post... It's magical and can be there instantly! So, now you can get back to playing with your dolls, and only be 18! Happy 18th Birthday Empressa Essa! *Cheers and gives you a cake!*

Look! One of them's trying to get away! Quick Essa! Nail his feet to the floor! *Pushes a commoner over* There! Hurry! This is the perfect opportunity to see if nailing their feet to the floor will work.... I mean this one's trying to escape and everything... I can't think of a better chance! *Looks at the mice* So, do we cut the skin, then rip it off with our teeth? I've never used one of these first aid mice before.... Oh! What kind of cheese do we need to give them? I mean is there a certain kind that is considered the least cruel for mice? Some might even be considered generous?

No... I haven't actually eaten eyeballs before.... But from the sound of it, they'd be quite similar to creme eggs? Those are so tasty! Maybe that's what creme eggs really are..... That'd explain lots of things! Like why I can only seem to find them for sale around Easter.... That's when the poor rabbits have to sell their eyes to buy chocolate eggs for random children.... *Shakes fist* Evil rich rabbits!

Decoy camels? Why would there be decoy camels? And does that mean that there are fake lists too? Maybe I'll need to snog a camel, get the list... Then try robbing a few of the camels on the list, just so I can see if they're actually rich camels..... You're right, this could take a long time.... Awwww! Well, as long as it makes you smile! I'd hate my hurt to be for absolutely nothing! *Sighs in a crushed dreams sorta way*

Of course! And, just to make things more fun for you.... We skin-pinch them if they take a spot you wanted.... And we also skin-pinch them if you somehow make a mistake.... We have to keep those people on their toes.... Can't have them thinking the game's supposed to be fun for them! *Gwares at them*

*Runs away from the cats!* Help me! They're trying to eat me! Somebody save me! Erm.... Essa? Did you glue this cat costume to me? They think I'm a catfish! This is not good! There's too many of them! Caddlebear dooooooomed! *Runs around in circles crazily* Oh, good... They went to call the asylum... I should be safe.... *Sits down*

I'm hoping that no one else would be willing to go to the length of getting posties to each other for you.... That way I can keep my job.... *Worries* But, Caddlebear would never be replaced, right? *Smiles hopefully at Empressa Essa* I'm sure you always look your very best! And we can't have the insignificant posties getting in the way of that!

A brilliant idea! I mean, do they not realise how difficult it is to bring a dinosaur back from extinction? A lot harder than it is to make them extinct again..... Do you have your special T-Rex prodder? We can have a special at our Dodo restaurant! Serve T-Rex for weeks! *Gwares at the Mardy dinosaurs* You brought this on yourselves!

Why would you need to walk around an ant? It was quite clearly the ant's own fault for not being stronger.... I've stepped on ants before and they've survived.... Maybe if it was a better ant, this wouldn't have happened..... Stupid ant! I am sure your next cloning attempt will go much better! Just don't clone anything squishy..... *Nods*

Oh dear.... But I guess it really doesn't matter if I'm already dead.... Wait... Are you planning on turning me into a zombie and making me go on some zombie murder spree? Because that'd be fun! Let's do that! *Jumps up and down excitedly* Can we Essa? Please? I'd love to be a zombie Caddlebear, going around randomly killing stuff! It'd rawk! *Nodulates*

23 penguins it is! The absolute best penguins I can find.... *Rubs head* Not the emperor penguins though... They hit hard.... And they move really fast for their size..... But I got me a whole bunch of the little ones! Yay! Should we race em before we feed em to the cats? Just have a few bets, make some money..... I didn't say the cat was a stupid idea! It's just that cats don't normally fly or swim... So if they were more intelligent, they'd be less likely to get killed! Your cats will be ready soon! I promise!

*Catches the fainting Empressa!* It's not used! That's a special cyclops eyegoo sealant! I promise.... I got it from the most reputable cyclops poking artifact seller..... And he'd never steer me wrong! He's a cyclops himself and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to get the wrong end of the stick....

*Bows and huggles Empressa Essa!* Caddlebear is sorry... He was just so overawed by your marvellousness! I don't suppose there's any chance that we're going to be sharing this vodka that they're going to be buying us? Or are we pouring it down their throats? I'm confused again..... *Looks hopefully at Essa*

But, the real challenge is.... Building up the present so much.... So that by the time he gets it, he simply can't wait to use it.... You can't just have him be pleasantly surprised by the present! He has to have been waiting for it for months... Then, when he finally gets it.... It's useless to him and he just sits in the corner and cries for two days! Then, you'll know you got him the right present... Hmmmmm.... Christmas? Do you get snow there at Christmas time? I shall pack my bags! *Starts packing*

Burn Caddlebear! Burn! That'll teach that evil Caddlebear! Mwuhahahahaha! Or um, something like that... It's not like I go around burning effigies of myself.... That would be strange.... APplebears only eat nets that are made out of tasty, edible things.... So, I'm pretty sure iron is a safe bet! *Nodses* Caddlebear is absolutely sure, that even if you don't tell APplebear, he is already terribly doomed.... It is the way of Caddlebears to be doomed...

Of course you aren't thick! *Huggles the completely not dense Essa!*

School shoes? Forty pounds?

Caddlebear knows all about this! You must be living in that country.... I think it's commonly referred to as England.... Now, the English people, or merfolk as they're generally called, due to the amount of water around them.... Well, they use this currency, I think it's the british pound... And they use this to pay for goods and services... But, one thing most people don't know is... Things are very expensive in england! It's why they have their own currency, so that when they go overseas they can just buy small countries with their spare change....

As for the price of those school shoes? It's to discourage you from sending stupid children to school... You have to look at if you really want to be wasting that money on special shoes, just so an idiot child can go to school.... Coal mining shoes cost far less! If you don't think your child is worth it, send them to the coal mines *Noddles*

Yay for Essa! *Huggles her hugely!*

Enjoy your evening Empressa Essa!

Woohoo you paid for all that printing equipment yourself? Wait a sec what did you use to pay with, my pictures aren’t on the pounds yet, you didn’t use a pound with someone else’s picture did you, how could you be so cruel? I’ve decided to use the Empressa pic with me wearing my new dazzle dust eye shadow, I must look my best at all times. A 13 pound note it shall be then and just to confuse everyone how about a nine pound 98p note, everything around here costs nine pound 99p that means they’ll have to change a 13 pound note for 1p. Another perfect idea on the bidding war, hopefully we’ll get to prod a stingy man and each time he’s prodded nearer the flames his bidding voice will get squeakier and squeakier.

*Sprinkles the young age dust all over myself* Hooray 18 again, I better not tell you what I did for my eighteenth birthday, but it’s sure fun reliving it. A cake how thoughtful of you, thanks*Pushes Caddlebears face into the cake* now you get to eat some too.

*Grabs the hammer and nails* Hold him down Caddlebear he’s a slippery little sucker, *Nails the commoners feet to the floor* We did it, he ain’t going nowhere.*Picks up a mouse and a piece of cheese* Now watch carefully, you hold the cheese to the mouse’s mouth to distract it, while the mouse is nibbling on the cheese you rip it’s skin off with your teeth, the brighter colour the cheese the better, we need to make the mice feel special and stuff, they like bright colours. Right your turn Caddlebear.

That’s exactly how they taste, hmmm, I think you’ve been enjoying the taste of eyeballs for years and not letting on haven’t you? But random children deserve Easter eggs, imagine the delight of random parents when they see there kids tucking into chocolate eggs greedily without sharing any with said parents. The said parents can then chuckle knowing their little darlings are really eating eyeballs, Hurray for evil rich rabbits.

Of course there are decoy camels, quite easy to spot though, they’re the ones with only one hump, shhh, don’t tell anyone I told you that I could be killed for giving such useless information. The rich camels have two humps because they’ve got loads more cash. Caddlebear really needs to start snogging camels now, I’m getting very impatient and nobody likes an impatient Empressa, heads will roll.

I really do think I’m actually gonna win a game of this soon, I’m so excited, to win a game of noughts and crosses and skin pinch people at the same time, you know I don’t think my life could get any better *Huggles the give a better life to Empressa Essa Caddlebear*

Don’t run Caddlebear they only want to play, *Cheers on the snarling cats* I thought you’d look cool as a catfish, did I use to much glue? Caddlebear is not doomed, would I really let anything bad happen to you? *Smears fish paste on Caddlebears head and sits back with some popcorn to watch the fun and games*
Aww I’d never replace you, not until I’d found a suitable replacement anyway, *Hides the application forms* I simply can’t have anybody disrupting my looking my best time it takes six hours as it is to put my face on in the morning

I know we can charge nine pounds 99p for a T-Rex steak, people will be so impressed they’ll pay with a thirteen pound note and tell us to keep the change. I sure do have my T-Rex prodder, *Prods the mardy T-Rex’s, ignoring their little tear stained faces* This is not the time to get all sentimental I don’t fall for crocodile tears.

The ants could see me coming, they should have moved quicker, I can quite believe you’ve stepped on ants before and they’ve survived, the problem is Empressa Essa weighs 39 stones, the last I heard ants could only survive a 38 and a half stone squash *Eats another cream cake*

Damn, you always spoil my surprises, however did you guess that was what I had intended for you? I shall arrive at your house later to discuss how best to kill you, then we can get on the zombie rawk

I forgot to mention how hard them emperor penguins hit, though to be honest I thought it best you find out for yourself, otherwise how will you ever learn? To right we’ll race them, you go and hold up a bookies and steal some of them slip things what you write a bet on and we’ll be all set. What do you mean cats don’t normally fly or swim? Which planet are you living on, how do you think cats eat birds and fish if they can’t fly or swim? My cats are just gonna be better swimmers and flyers that’s all. *Huggles the unknowledgeable about cats Caddlebear*

*Composes oneself* Phew…thank god for that, I thought for a moment it was, was, was, *Looks at the stick and faints again*

Seeing as I’m in such a good mood today I think we’ll share the vodka, I must warn you though, do anything to put me in a bad mood and I shall expect every last drop back. *Pours Caddlebear a triple, treble, vodka with a tiniest splash of diet coke* Cheers

Perfect, I shall start building number one son up straight away, oh to hell with it, I’ll build number two son up as well, this is gonna be one fantastic Christmas. Sorry, no snow here at Christmas, but just for you I could cut up some white paper and sprinkle it over you when you arrive, will that do?

Why is that strange, I go around burning effigies of myself all the time, sometimes I even burn myself, got a lovely burn at the mo on my hand from the oven door, I cried I think whether APplebear knows or not, you’re right you’re definitely doomed *Huggles the doomed for all eternity Caddlebear*

What an excellent answer oh wisely one, I actually brought a couple of countries with my spare change last year, it was a buy one get one free deal, I was well impressed.*Rummages in my bag for the school shoes receipt* I shall exchange them for coal mining shoes in the morning and with the change I’ll buy a coal mine

Why Caddlebear did I go shopping today and buy microwave pizza for the boys tea when I don’t have a microwave?

Have the best evening ever

 

[Cadoras]

Woohoo you paid for all that printing equipment yourself? Wait a sec what did you use to pay with, my pictures aren’t on the pounds yet, you didn’t use a pound with someone else’s picture did you, how could you be so cruel? I’ve decided to use the Empressa pic with me wearing my new dazzle dust eye shadow, I must look my best at all times. A 13 pound note it shall be then and just to confuse everyone how about a nine pound 98p note, everything around here costs nine pound 99p that means they’ll have to change a 13 pound note for 1p. Another perfect idea on the bidding war, hopefully we’ll get to prod a stingy man and each time he’s prodded nearer the flames his bidding voice will get squeakier and squeakier.

*Sprinkles the young age dust all over myself* Hooray 18 again, I better not tell you what I did for my eighteenth birthday, but it’s sure fun reliving it. A cake how thoughtful of you, thanks*Pushes Caddlebears face into the cake* now you get to eat some too.

*Grabs the hammer and nails* Hold him down Caddlebear he’s a slippery little sucker, *Nails the commoners feet to the floor* We did it, he ain’t going nowhere.*Picks up a mouse and a piece of cheese* Now watch carefully, you hold the cheese to the mouse’s mouth to distract it, while the mouse is nibbling on the cheese you rip it’s skin off with your teeth, the brighter colour the cheese the better, we need to make the mice feel special and stuff, they like bright colours. Right your turn Caddlebear.

That’s exactly how they taste, hmmm, I think you’ve been enjoying the taste of eyeballs for years and not letting on haven’t you? But random children deserve Easter eggs, imagine the delight of random parents when they see there kids tucking into chocolate eggs greedily without sharing any with said parents. The said parents can then chuckle knowing their little darlings are really eating eyeballs, Hurray for evil rich rabbits.

Of course there are decoy camels, quite easy to spot though, they’re the ones with only one hump, shhh, don’t tell anyone I told you that I could be killed for giving such useless information. The rich camels have two humps because they’ve got loads more cash. Caddlebear really needs to start snogging camels now, I’m getting very impatient and nobody likes an impatient Empressa, heads will roll.

I really do think I’m actually gonna win a game of this soon, I’m so excited, to win a game of noughts and crosses and skin pinch people at the same time, you know I don’t think my life could get any better *Huggles the give a better life to Empressa Essa Caddlebear*

Don’t run Caddlebear they only want to play, *Cheers on the snarling cats* I thought you’d look cool as a catfish, did I use to much glue? Caddlebear is not doomed, would I really let anything bad happen to you? *Smears fish paste on Caddlebears head and sits back with some popcorn to watch the fun and games*
Aww I’d never replace you, not until I’d found a suitable replacement anyway, *Hides the application forms* I simply can’t have anybody disrupting my looking my best time it takes six hours as it is to put my face on in the morning

I know we can charge nine pounds 99p for a T-Rex steak, people will be so impressed they’ll pay with a thirteen pound note and tell us to keep the change. I sure do have my T-Rex prodder, *Prods the mardy T-Rex’s, ignoring their little tear stained faces* This is not the time to get all sentimental I don’t fall for crocodile tears.

The ants could see me coming, they should have moved quicker, I can quite believe you’ve stepped on ants before and they’ve survived, the problem is Empressa Essa weighs 39 stones, the last I heard ants could only survive a 38 and a half stone squash *Eats another cream cake*

Damn, you always spoil my surprises, however did you guess that was what I had intended for you? I shall arrive at your house later to discuss how best to kill you, then we can get on the zombie rawk

I forgot to mention how hard them emperor penguins hit, though to be honest I thought it best you find out for yourself, otherwise how will you ever learn? To right we’ll race them, you go and hold up a bookies and steal some of them slip things what you write a bet on and we’ll be all set. What do you mean cats don’t normally fly or swim? Which planet are you living on, how do you think cats eat birds and fish if they can’t fly or swim? My cats are just gonna be better swimmers and flyers that’s all. *Huggles the unknowledgeable about cats Caddlebear*

*Composes oneself* Phew…thank god for that, I thought for a moment it was, was, was, *Looks at the stick and faints again*

Seeing as I’m in such a good mood today I think we’ll share the vodka, I must warn you though, do anything to put me in a bad mood and I shall expect every last drop back. *Pours Caddlebear a triple, treble, vodka with a tiniest splash of diet coke* Cheers

Perfect, I shall start building number one son up straight away, oh to hell with it, I’ll build number two son up as well, this is gonna be one fantastic Christmas. Sorry, no snow here at Christmas, but just for you I could cut up some white paper and sprinkle it over you when you arrive, will that do?

Why is that strange, I go around burning effigies of myself all the time, sometimes I even burn myself, got a lovely burn at the mo on my hand from the oven door, I cried I think whether APplebear knows or not, you’re right you’re definitely doomed *Huggles the doomed for all eternity Caddlebear*

What an excellent answer oh wisely one, I actually brought a couple of countries with my spare change last year, it was a buy one get one free deal, I was well impressed.*Rummages in my bag for the school shoes receipt* I shall exchange them for coal mining shoes in the morning and with the change I’ll buy a coal mine

Why Caddlebear did I go shopping today and buy microwave pizza for the boys tea when I don’t have a microwave?

Have the best evening ever

Oh, no! I'd never pay for printing equipment with money like that! I used a direct deposit.... So there wasn't any actual money involved *Nods* Couldn't have them getting suspicious and thinking that I might be using the printing equipment to make more money.... So I figured if I didn't even use money, they wouldn't be able to make a connection! Cos, how could someone who doesn't use money make it? *Cackles evilly!* Aha! Dazzle dust! That'll stop those counterfeiters from being able to make copies of your currency! None of them are fancy enough to print Dazzle Dust! *Gwares at the stupid counterfeiters* They wouldn't dare try! We shall definitely go for the 9 pound 98p note and the 13 pound note then! Do we need to make new coins as well? I don't have the equipment for that yet.... *Sighs* What should we make the coins from? What a brilliant idea! And that squeaky voice would inspire all the other stingy bidders to bid a little higher! Especially when he started smouldering!

But Caddlebear loves to hear birthday stories! *Nods* You can tell Caddlebear... He won't tell anyone else! Promise! Caddlebear can't even remember back to when he was 18! That was sooooooo long ago! *Wipes a finger across the cake on his face* You're so sweet! *Licks finger* And so is the cake! Yummy! *Huggles the birthday girl EmprEssa!*

Yay! We sure did show that commoner! But.... He's not gonna be happy when he finds out we're gonna have to pull those nails out, so we can throw him on the fire later.... Oh well... At least he won't be able to run anymore.... *Comforts the poor commoner* Oh, that's how we do it? Caddlebear shall try! *Carefully selects a hungry looking mouse* Here mister mousy! Caddlebear has some super tasty cheese for you! *Holds the bright cheese to the mouse's mouth* Hey! He doesn't seem interested.... Um... Essa? Is my mouse broken? I'm not supposed to do anything until he's distracted, right?

Nopes! You know me.... I'd never be enjoying the tasty goodness of eyeballs and not letting on! I'd be telling everyone about it! I mean, who doesn't brag about their eyeball eating? You should know that, as a proud eyeball eater! *Nods and huggles the expert eyeball eater Essa!* Oh, I guess when you put it that way.... The children do need to get those easter eggs... But only so the parents can giggle about it behind their backs for years... Before the children eventually find out and are scarred for life! It's always fun when children are scarred for life *Noddles*

I won't tell anyone! But.... Couldn't I use this information of yours to avoid all the decoy camels? Then I could just go straight for Camilla the Chair Camel.... And that would mean I'd only be having to snog one camel.... I have to admit to now actually realising that those humps represented wealth.... If I'd known, I would've robbed that 6 humped camel I saw the other day! Talk about rich! Dang.... *Sighs sadly* Erm, okay! I shall get on with it, I don't need my head to be rolling around.... *Cautiously snogs the supposed Camilla* I gots me the list! Yay! *Prepares for the treasure hunt*

You'll be winning games in no time! I've been watching... And I think you might've been letting some of those people win.... Just so you could pout and pinch them really hard! I'm onto you.... *Hands you a super huge bottle of vodka* Here, this will help your noughts and crosses performance! I know that Essa's are much better at games when they have their vodka! They're special that way *Nods*

Urghles! *Starts running again!* Somebody save me! I think one of these cats can fly.... See? That one! *Points at the flying cat* Hang on! Essa? Are you throwing cats at me? Hey! That's mean! *Ducks and runs faster* These cats will eventually get tired! I've seen cats sleeping for 20 hours a day before.... They can't possibly have the energy to keep chasing me! Or have they been sleeping so much, just so they can hunt down Caddlebears for days? *Worries* Hey! You're just using these cats to distract me... You're gonna fire me! I know it! *Sighs unhappily* Poor Caddlebear.... *Hands you some mascara* I shall help you get ready, just as soon as I escape from these cats!

Hmmmmm... I think I know why those T-Rex's are crying! They think that their steaks are being undervalued.... I talked with their recently prodded representative and he assures me that a T-Rex steak needs to be sold for 22 pounds 99p... And then they can pay with an extra 13 pound note! More profit for you... I think we should keep this less mardy T-Rex as an advisor.... *Nods*

Oh! Caddlebear had no clue about the failure point on ants.... It's quite clearly their own fault then... No survival instinct.... Don't they know about natural selection? If they can't survive, they've got absolutely no one to blame but themselves! *Gwares at the whining ants* Can Caddlebear have a cream cake too? He's hungry.....

But I only guessed that was what you were going to do, because it was the absolute most fun thing that I could think of! I knew you wouldn't be doing anything boring... So obviously, it just had to be a zombie murder spree! There really wasn't another option.... *Smiles and nods happily* We will think of the absolute bestest way to make a zombie Caddlebear! I am sure of it!

But... Did the penguin have to kick me in the head? I mean... That's a little excessive isn't it? I only wanted to catch it and feed it to some cats..... Damn mardy penguins! You're right though, I did need to learn for myself... Or I just would've ended up getting attacked by mardy penguins anyway... I'm just like that... Do I have to steal them? Couldn't I just print some out that I found on the internet? It's a lot easier... No? Okay.... *Goes off and robs a bookie, stealing all their penguin betting slips* Success! Wow.... I never even thought about that.... Of course cats fly and swim.... I've just never seen them do it.... That's why they sleep so much! They're involved in too many physical activities! I imagine it must be very tiring flying after birds..... Your cats shall be the best ever! *Nods assuredly*

*Takes the stick away from Essa* We'll go shopping for another cyclops poking stick for you.... You can find one you like, maybe even one that won't make you faint!

But Caddlebear would never do anything to put you in a bad mood! *Downs the vodka and showers you in wonderful gifts!* See? Lots of great presents for EmprEssa Essa! Yay! *Huggles the generous Essa* We should open our own vodka factory! Just for us though... We wouldn't want to share....

What wonderful present are you going to tell number two son he's getting? I'm sure there's lots of things he wants that it would just crush him if he didn't get! Have you ever considered just giving a box with an instruction manual? Then the contents of the box can be a birthday present! Oh, the possibilities! *Smiles* You'd be willing to cut up paper and throw it on me? You're so kind! Yay! It'll be the best christmas ever! *Cheers!*

Awwwwws... *Huggles the poor Burned Essa* Caddlebear is sorry! But you really should be more careful with hot things... Caddlebear can assure you that very hot things can be painful... He knows this from experience... Especially if you don't realise they're hot! Oh wells.... Caddlebears are always doomed! I think it may be some kind of hobby for them... So we don't really need to worry there.... Just hide me from APplebear if she comes looking? *Smiles hopefully at Essa*

Buy one get one free? Hmmmmm... Was the second country a little dodgy? I find that when they try to give away an extra country, it's because the extra will end up costing you may more in the end! You might be in for as much as 7p worth of trouble with that extra country... Wahoo! You shall be rich... Rich beyond your wildest dreams! Depending on how good your boys are at coal mining... I recommend starting them on the hardest jobs first... Then you can give them easier jobs if they behave.... A kind of reward! They'll even start to love it! *Nods*

You bought them microwave pizza? Well... They don't really deserve to have the pizza cooked anyway.... So clearly, you just did this to prove a point to them... If they want pizza that will actually be cooked, they have to start behaving better! Or it's 16 hours down the coalmine with frozen, microwave pizza! They'll straighten up mighty quick once they realise how bad frozen pizza tastes.... Not that Caddlebear goes around eating frozen pizza..... Much.... *Huggles the tough parent Essa!* Maybe one of them will even get smart and ask for a microwave for christmas? Just think of the fun you could have there! Endless enjoyment for you!

*Covers Essa in enthusiastic huggles!*

Have a wonderful weekend!

 

[Essa]

Oh, no! I'd never pay for printing equipment with money like that! I used a direct deposit.... So there wasn't any actual money involved *Nods* Couldn't have them getting suspicious and thinking that I might be using the printing equipment to make more money.... So I figured if I didn't even use money, they wouldn't be able to make a connection! Cos, how could someone who doesn't use money make it? *Cackles evilly!* Aha! Dazzle dust! That'll stop those counterfeiters from being able to make copies of your currency! None of them are fancy enough to print Dazzle Dust! *Gwares at the stupid counterfeiters* They wouldn't dare try! We shall definitely go for the 9 pound 98p note and the 13 pound note then! Do we need to make new coins as well? I don't have the equipment for that yet.... *Sighs* What should we make the coins from? What a brilliant idea! And that squeaky voice would inspire all the other stingy bidders to bid a little higher! Especially when he started smouldering!

But Caddlebear loves to hear birthday stories! *Nods* You can tell Caddlebear... He won't tell anyone else! Promise! Caddlebear can't even remember back to when he was 18! That was sooooooo long ago! *Wipes a finger across the cake on his face* You're so sweet! *Licks finger* And so is the cake! Yummy! *Huggles the birthday girl EmprEssa!*

Yay! We sure did show that commoner! But.... He's not gonna be happy when he finds out we're gonna have to pull those nails out, so we can throw him on the fire later.... Oh well... At least he won't be able to run anymore.... *Comforts the poor commoner* Oh, that's how we do it? Caddlebear shall try! *Carefully selects a hungry looking mouse* Here mister mousy! Caddlebear has some super tasty cheese for you! *Holds the bright cheese to the mouse's mouth* Hey! He doesn't seem interested.... Um... Essa? Is my mouse broken? I'm not supposed to do anything until he's distracted, right?

Nopes! You know me.... I'd never be enjoying the tasty goodness of eyeballs and not letting on! I'd be telling everyone about it! I mean, who doesn't brag about their eyeball eating? You should know that, as a proud eyeball eater! *Nods and huggles the expert eyeball eater Essa!* Oh, I guess when you put it that way.... The children do need to get those easter eggs... But only so the parents can giggle about it behind their backs for years... Before the children eventually find out and are scarred for life! It's always fun when children are scarred for life *Noddles*

I won't tell anyone! But.... Couldn't I use this information of yours to avoid all the decoy camels? Then I could just go straight for Camilla the Chair Camel.... And that would mean I'd only be having to snog one camel.... I have to admit to now actually realising that those humps represented wealth.... If I'd known, I would've robbed that 6 humped camel I saw the other day! Talk about rich! Dang.... *Sighs sadly* Erm, okay! I shall get on with it, I don't need my head to be rolling around.... *Cautiously snogs the supposed Camilla* I gots me the list! Yay! *Prepares for the treasure hunt*

You'll be winning games in no time! I've been watching... And I think you might've been letting some of those people win.... Just so you could pout and pinch them really hard! I'm onto you.... *Hands you a super huge bottle of vodka* Here, this will help your noughts and crosses performance! I know that Essa's are much better at games when they have their vodka! They're special that way *Nods*

Urghles! *Starts running again!* Somebody save me! I think one of these cats can fly.... See? That one! *Points at the flying cat* Hang on! Essa? Are you throwing cats at me? Hey! That's mean! *Ducks and runs faster* These cats will eventually get tired! I've seen cats sleeping for 20 hours a day before.... They can't possibly have the energy to keep chasing me! Or have they been sleeping so much, just so they can hunt down Caddlebears for days? *Worries* Hey! You're just using these cats to distract me... You're gonna fire me! I know it! *Sighs unhappily* Poor Caddlebear.... *Hands you some mascara* I shall help you get ready, just as soon as I escape from these cats!

Hmmmmm... I think I know why those T-Rex's are crying! They think that their steaks are being undervalued.... I talked with their recently prodded representative and he assures me that a T-Rex steak needs to be sold for 22 pounds 99p... And then they can pay with an extra 13 pound note! More profit for you... I think we should keep this less mardy T-Rex as an advisor.... *Nods*

Oh! Caddlebear had no clue about the failure point on ants.... It's quite clearly their own fault then... No survival instinct.... Don't they know about natural selection? If they can't survive, they've got absolutely no one to blame but themselves! *Gwares at the whining ants* Can Caddlebear have a cream cake too? He's hungry.....

But I only guessed that was what you were going to do, because it was the absolute most fun thing that I could think of! I knew you wouldn't be doing anything boring... So obviously, it just had to be a zombie murder spree! There really wasn't another option.... *Smiles and nods happily* We will think of the absolute bestest way to make a zombie Caddlebear! I am sure of it!

But... Did the penguin have to kick me in the head? I mean... That's a little excessive isn't it? I only wanted to catch it and feed it to some cats..... Damn mardy penguins! You're right though, I did need to learn for myself... Or I just would've ended up getting attacked by mardy penguins anyway... I'm just like that... Do I have to steal them? Couldn't I just print some out that I found on the internet? It's a lot easier... No? Okay.... *Goes off and robs a bookie, stealing all their penguin betting slips* Success! Wow.... I never even thought about that.... Of course cats fly and swim.... I've just never seen them do it.... That's why they sleep so much! They're involved in too many physical activities! I imagine it must be very tiring flying after birds..... Your cats shall be the best ever! *Nods assuredly*

*Takes the stick away from Essa* We'll go shopping for another cyclops poking stick for you.... You can find one you like, maybe even one that won't make you faint!

But Caddlebear would never do anything to put you in a bad mood! *Downs the vodka and showers you in wonderful gifts!* See? Lots of great presents for EmprEssa Essa! Yay! *Huggles the generous Essa* We should open our own vodka factory! Just for us though... We wouldn't want to share....

What wonderful present are you going to tell number two son he's getting? I'm sure there's lots of things he wants that it would just crush him if he didn't get! Have you ever considered just giving a box with an instruction manual? Then the contents of the box can be a birthday present! Oh, the possibilities! *Smiles* You'd be willing to cut up paper and throw it on me? You're so kind! Yay! It'll be the best christmas ever! *Cheers!*

Awwwwws... *Huggles the poor Burned Essa* Caddlebear is sorry! But you really should be more careful with hot things... Caddlebear can assure you that very hot things can be painful... He knows this from experience... Especially if you don't realise they're hot! Oh wells.... Caddlebears are always doomed! I think it may be some kind of hobby for them... So we don't really need to worry there.... Just hide me from APplebear if she comes looking? *Smiles hopefully at Essa*

Buy one get one free? Hmmmmm... Was the second country a little dodgy? I find that when they try to give away an extra country, it's because the extra will end up costing you may more in the end! You might be in for as much as 7p worth of trouble with that extra country... Wahoo! You shall be rich... Rich beyond your wildest dreams! Depending on how good your boys are at coal mining... I recommend starting them on the hardest jobs first... Then you can give them easier jobs if they behave.... A kind of reward! They'll even start to love it! *Nods*

You bought them microwave pizza? Well... They don't really deserve to have the pizza cooked anyway.... So clearly, you just did this to prove a point to them... If they want pizza that will actually be cooked, they have to start behaving better! Or it's 16 hours down the coalmine with frozen, microwave pizza! They'll straighten up mighty quick once they realise how bad frozen pizza tastes.... Not that Caddlebear goes around eating frozen pizza..... Much.... *Huggles the tough parent Essa!* Maybe one of them will even get smart and ask for a microwave for christmas? Just think of the fun you could have there! Endless enjoyment for you!

*Covers Essa in enthusiastic huggles!*

Have a wonderful weekend!

You sneaky Caddlebear, you’re learning well. I thought for one second you’d actually dared to use money with a pic of Liz instead of me, I should have known you’d never be that cruel. *Huggles the evilly cackling Caddlebear* My silver dazzle dust will foil even the greatest counterfeiters, if you don’t put it on your eyes just right you end up looking like a clown, EmprEssa would never look like a clown, I’m far to fancy, we have a foolproof plan, you do realise you’re also gonna have to wear dazzle dust? We can’t possibly be a good team if you don’t. We’ll definitely need to make some new coins, how come you don’t have the right equipment yet? I really thought you were learning well and now you’ve gone and disappointed me again *Refuses to huggle the disappointing Caddlebear*

I couldn’t possibly say *Shudders at the thought* Let’s just say I put way to much voddy in my coke and the policeman were not in the least bit kind and leave it at that shall we? Yes your 18th was quite a while ago now, I think you need to pretend you’re only 24, that sounds like a reasonably young and trendy age *Huggles the 24 year old Caddlebear* Don’t worry I won’t tell anyone you’re really 58.

Hey, how come you’re comforting commoners, ewww, they have diseases and everything *Pours a bottle of dettol over Caddlebear* Oh dear the problem isn’t with your mouse it’s the cheese, it’s far to bright, you’re blinding the poor mousy, when I said the brighter the cheese the better, I didn’t mean that bright. I find wotsits work quite well they’re cheesy and not as bright, plus when the mousy has nibbled on one you can then pop it in your mouth and the mousy as well if you’re really hungry.

On the subject of eyeballs, why haven’t you sent me yours yet? I’ve been waiting for weeks now. You really shouldn’t promise EmprEssa your eyeball and then just not send it, I was all excited and stuff, are you deliberately trying to make me angry? I shall warn you, if I have to come over to you and get my own eyeball I shall take both. *Huggles the warned Caddlebear*

Damn, you actually got to see a six humped camel? Why the hell didn’t you snog it quick? I’ve heard about them but have never been so lucky as to see one Actually I’ve changed my mind, I’ve decided you don’t have to snog Camilla after all, oops too late Never mind as long as you didn’t use tongues I’m sure you’ll be safe. I now want you to go find and snog the six humped camel, that’s where all the money is.

*Snatches the super huge bottle of vodka and downs it in one* you’re really too kind to me Caddlebear *Pouts and pinches Caddlebear really hard* See it’s working already, if I could just see the damned pen I’d be able to play with myself.

Oh Caddlebear you really are no fun, I only chucked two cats at you, it’s not my fault I put them in a drug induced sleep for a week so they’d have loads of energy. I even sharpened their teeth and claws so when one comes flying through the air and lands on your head I’ll have even more fun watching you scream. *Accepts the mascara* What’s this? It’s brown!! EmprEssa only wears black and this is cheap, please don’t tell me you got it from the $2 shop, I’m very disappointed in you Caddlebear *sorts through the long list of applications*

Oh I see, how could I possibly have undercharged? Hang on it’s your fault. You should have realised, I can’t be expected to make all the decisions around here. *Puts the price of T-Rex steak up to 122 pounds 99p, there, happy now? Yep we’ll keep the less mardy advising T-Rex but be warned if he’s better than you, he’s having your job.

I just can’t abide mardy ants, they could see my shadow in the sun, they had ample time to make a run for it but no, they get squashed and then have the audacity to complain about it. *Hands Caddlebear an Elephants Foot* the best cream cakes in Derby these, but be careful when taking a bite, anyone standing to close ends up with cream in their eye *Ouch, you did that on purpose*

You need to be killed in a nice way, one that looks convincing for a super Caddlebear zombie, how do you feel about being shot in the head and knifed through the heart, would that look convincing enough? *Huggles the trembling Caddlebear* It won’t hurt…much.

It’s not excessive at all to be kicked in the head by a penguin, perhaps you should try standing up, a well aimed kick between Caddlebears legs would hurt a lot more believe me. You can’t print them out off the internet no, that would be bad manners, how could you possibly think it’s o.k to print off someone else’s ideas? You’ve never seen cats fly or swim, poor Caddlebear *Hands Caddlebear a quadruple triple voddy* Here, down that and you’ll see cats flying and swimming in no time.

Such a sweet Caddlebear, you will be paying for the new stick won’t you? I’d like one encrusted in jewels if that’s o.k?

Good idea Caddlebear, you can get to building the new factory straight away, don’t mind me, I’ll just put on one of them fancy hard hats and shout instructions at you.

I’ve decided to buy him one of them helicopter things that number two son’s take to the park to show off to the girlies, but I’ll take the motor out, he can have that for his birthday. I can’t wait to see all the girlies faces when he attempts to get it to fly and it doesn’t work, they’ll be hormones galore. Of course I’ll cut up paper and throw it over you and just to be realistic I’ll get some ice out of the freezer and lob that at you as well. Can’t have you being left out of our wonderful weather.

Well I knew the oven was on and I knew it was really hot but I thought the oven would know better than to actually burn me, I only touched it for a couple of seconds just to see. I got my own back though, through my pain and tears I kicked it, I felt better for a minisecond ‘till the oven chucked all the food on to the floor and I had to spend the rest of the night cleaning up. You may hide behind me as long as you weigh less than 32 stone, otherwise she’ll see you, *Huggles the hopefully skinny Caddlebear*

The second country was a little dodgy after all, it had no people on it just grass and stuff, how the hell am I meant to tell grass what to do? I think somebody was taking the mickey out of EmprEssa Essa that day. I’ve given the boys a toothpick and told them I want a ton of coal in five minutes, do you think I’m being a little harsh here?

I knew I made the right choice after all, it was fun watching them try and bite into frozen pizza and the envy on their faces when I had a piping hot one delivered to the door for myself left me giggling all night

Why Caddlebear do I have to spend the day Ironing new school uniforms that haven’t even been worn yet?

*Sends a paper aeroplane full of huggles to the knowledgeable Caddlebear*

Have the bestest night ever

 

[kendra1980]

for my first post to this thread, my question is twofold.

1. Why Caddlebear, why is it that when I am full of interesting things to tell APpy, and have a question of importance to toss her way, she has a full pm box?
APpy clean out your pm box.
I'm fairly certain I may have the answer to this one, but would like you wisdom and thought on the issue.

2. When I go to put in a new avatar from a photo no matter what I've done to the size (it is below the required 150x150 for an av) I am being told by the lit gods that it is too large.

The file that you have tried to attach is too big. The maximum size is 15360 bytes.

I've lowered the quality...why is it doing that Caddlebear and how do I fix it?

hoping I'm allowed two questions to the amazing caddlebear on a first time post!

K

 

[asian_princess]

for my first post to this thread, my question is twofold.

1. Why Caddlebear, why is it that when I am full of interesting things to tell APpy, and have a question of importance to toss her way, she has a full pm box?
APpy clean out your pm box.
I'm fairly certain I may have the answer to this one, but would like you wisdom and thought on the issue.

2. When I go to put in a new avatar from a photo no matter what I've done to the size (it is below the required 150x150 for an av) I am being told by the lit gods that it is too large. I've lowered the quality...why is it doing that Caddlebear and how do I fix it?

hoping I'm allowed two questions to the amazing caddlebear on a first time post!

K

lmfao
done.

and caddlebear's asleep.

but i'll gladly wake him up for you

 

[Morrigu]

Is a Radish a band? I need to know otherwise how will I ever know if I have one or not and whether it's lovable.......like you are

 

[Cadoras]

for my first post to this thread, my question is twofold.

1. Why Caddlebear, why is it that when I am full of interesting things to tell APpy, and have a question of importance to toss her way, she has a full pm box?
APpy clean out your pm box.
I'm fairly certain I may have the answer to this one, but would like you wisdom and thought on the issue.

2. When I go to put in a new avatar from a photo no matter what I've done to the size (it is below the required 150x150 for an av) I am being told by the lit gods that it is too large. I've lowered the quality...why is it doing that Caddlebear and how do I fix it?

hoping I'm allowed two questions to the amazing caddlebear on a first time post!

K

Aha! You have come to the right place to have your questions answered *Nodulates*

*Huge huggles for Kendra!*

Now... APplebear's PM box is a magical, mystical place! Full of wonder.... Also incredibly full of PMs.... It is constantly existing in a state of overflow.... And only rarely can one actually manage to slip a message in there! But I am sure that with persistence you will succeed! One might even say that getting a PM to APplebear is like solving a rubix cube.... It may take you a long time to do it... But you do get a feeling of great satisfaction when you finally do manage it! *Noddles*

Oh! This one's an easy one... Though, I think you might've already managed to find the answer to your question by now..... They're very mean around here... So it's not just the actual size of the picture they're picky about... It's also the size of the file... You need to find a way to lower the overall file size... Which can be done by lowering the quality, changing the kind of file it's saved as.... Or maybe by making it even smaller.... Without knowing exactly what type of file you have and other things... I can't really be sure what would work best for you.... But that might help?

There is no official limit to questions to Caddlebear! But if your post has too much in it... It's possible you'll have to wait longer to get a reply.... Some posts take hours to reply to!

*More huggles for Kendra!*

I hope that helped a little

 

[Cadoras]

lmfao
done.

and caddlebear's asleep.

but i'll gladly wake him up for you

You'd wake me up, just to talk about Daniel Radcliffe.... Wouldn't you?

*Eyes APplebear suspiciously*

 

[Cadoras]

Is a Radish a band? I need to know otherwise how will I ever know if I have one or not and whether it's lovable.......like you are

*Glances at Radish suspiciously*

Did you join a band without telling me? Dangit.... How could you even think about doing such a thing? That'll only lead to problems for you! We both know it.... Oh... I see! So you aren't in a band? Well, okay then....

I have discussed this with my radish... And it seems that my Radish isn't in a band, but it can't rule out the possibility of other Radishes having musical aspirations.... So um... I don't know what to tell you..... *Blinks confuzzledly*

I don't know of any Radish bands.... So, I would probably be leaning towards a no... But how could you not know if you have a Radish? Either you do or you don't! Silly! *Sighs and shakes head sadly*

*Hugs and waves!*

 

[asian_princess]

You'd wake me up, just to talk about Daniel Radcliffe.... Wouldn't you?

*Eyes APplebear suspiciously*

*blinks*

Does the word "duh" mean anything to you, Caddlebear?

How did you think the first conversation about Daniel Radcliffe played out?

Which reminds me, it's about 5 hours since i last watched the "positions" interview with him.. *panics*

*huggles Caddlebear and dashes off to feed her fan frenzy, surreptitiously leaving behind episodes of Mr Ed... ya know... for info*