Who's in control?

[anna_louise]

I'm very confused about something. I very much like to feel pain and to be taken control of during sex. My girlfriend is willing to do this but is not very dominant.

I guess sometimes i wish she would be more dominant, yet i like asking her to do things to me and and unsure if i would cope if she just did entirely what she wanted or felt was right.

I'm very new to this.... I'm confused about who has the control. The top must have most of the control as they are giving the orders, deciding what happens e.t.c but surely the bottom must have some control too, Well i guess in some instances they don't, but surely in order for both parties to get what they want and enjoy it then both must have some control or involvment in deciding what happens.

I guess the thing thats confusing me is that I like to feel the pain but I like to decide what happens and how its done. In all other aspects of live i'm very controlling..... I'm not sure if this is normal (no maybe right is the correct word?) I guess I still have a lot to learn.

 

[rosco rathbone]

In my world, the man is in control.

 

[jadefirefly]

By "who", are you referring to your own specific situation, or speaking generically?

In an all-around sense, most consider the control to be equally split, at least to an extent. There are always exceptions to the norm, especially around people like us.

True, the PYL appears to have a great deal of the power and control. But if the pyl didn't give them the right to run rampant with their body, they'd be pretty bored, wouldn't they?

The thing you must keep in mind is that there is little that is more frustrating than topping from the bottom. Once you give over that control to your partner, it needs to stay there. She can't allow herself to get into her swing of things if you're always telling her that she needs to do something differently.

In short, if you really -want- to submit, you need to submit. There's more power in it than you may think.

I hope this has been somewhat helpful. I really ought to stop trying to post coherently before 10am and a large dose of caffiene.

 

[alice_underneath]

I guess the thing thats confusing me is that I like to feel the pain but I like to decide what happens and how its done. In all other aspects of live i'm very controlling..... I'm not sure if this is normal (no maybe right is the correct word?) I guess I still have a lot to learn.

I remember seeing a reference to masochistic Dom/mes somewhere on this board.

Perhaps, that could be you?

I don't think I have "met" you before, Anna Louise, so I am compelled to point out that I have no BDSM experience of any kind.

Nevertheless, I can imagine many possible ways in which you could get the pain you crave, while still being in control. Order her to tie you up, spank you, whatever. Pick your tool, and command her to use it. Tell her to go faster/slower, harder/softer, etc.

Would that make sense for you?

Alice

P.S. to Mr. Rathbone: Yes, we know.

 

[FurryFury]

It sounds like to me your lover is doing things for you that she doesn't really desire to do and that are not in her nature but she is doing them to please you.

Same thing as I have going on at my home only I'm with a guy. We were talking about this yesterday. Why is it so wrong to do for others to make them happy.

You see in our house in the bedroom we have a s/s relationship. I'm not willing to throw the marriage away just because I've recently discovered I'm into this. Thankfully he is sometimes willing to accommodate me. It can be very frustrating.

If I had known way back when what I truly desired I would have made very different choices.

As to your question, you both have the power and this is true in any relationship. She can say no. So can you. You seem to be "driving" because you have needs you are asking her to fulfill. This too can be frustrating IMO. Though she can swing the flogger or whatever, the feeling behind it likely isn't what you truly seek. It can sometimes take the edge off though and be enough, well for me it can.

Good luck to you and yours.

Fury

 

[caela]

Perhaps it not so much that you want to submit at all but that you're simply a masochist. As Alice said there've been discussions about some of the Dominants here that had masochistic tendencies and you may find you fall more along that end of the spectrum or you may find that you want a more vanilla-like relationship that just adds in a bit of pain for you in the bedroom.

 

[Purple Sage]

The issue of 'control' is a tricky one. From a Taoist perspective control consists largely of understanding reality and choosing from the menu of actually possible. From a standard BDSM perspective, it's mostly a matter of being assured that someone will do what you want. The question then becomes- what do you want?
This is rarely an easy question to answer accurately, especially for people new to BDSM. There are conflicting desires and fears and expectations. For instance, the urge to be in control is often (but not always) a symptom of fear. The strength and particular content of this fear can vary wildly, from fear of what someone might do to you to fear of finding out that you really crave someone else to be in control. On the other hand, the urge to be in control can simply be a direct way to get things that you want, that may not tend to just happen otherwise. Either of these is quite possible in your case, or, of course, some mix of the two. The urge to control may also simply be a basic drive, varying in intensity from person to person.
If you understand where your particular urge to be in control comes from, you will have a better idea of what you really want, and how to go about getting it. If, at base, you want someone else to be in control, you may have the wrong girlfriend. If, on the other hand, you just crave certain sensory experiences, she may be a good match, once you're able to be clear about what you want.
Just remember- with control comes responsibility. If people aren't comfortable with the responsibilities they have in a relationship, they're likely to be unhappy.

 

[Netzach]

I think it's up in the air for you - this is all really new, right?

I think keeping the lines of communication open and making sure you are both getting something positive out of it is really the first step and ultimately the important part.

I'm not in 100 percent control of my partner - he can and does excercise the right to say "no" or to "have a headache" at times. But I do know that more often than not he will go outside his comfort zones to do what pleases me, so when he pushes back I pay attention and I know it's important to him.

You'll figure all this out more as you talk to one another and explore and hazve fun doing it, and you'll find that what's true one time isn't necessarily true the next time. Just be sure that your gf isn't feeling too put out by doing what you want, make sure she's getting her needs met too, and you should be fine.

 

[timberwolf05]

the only one incontrol is the one allowing it.......

any subbie/slave can walk any time they want...just like my 3 ex wives....no one is held at gun point...
a domme or dom only has control if someone lets them..

in the same manner....any domme or dom can tell someone to get the hell out...when ever they want to...married or not...

control is a concept...it is not tangible.
it is merely a frame of mind...