Who is responsible?

[Quoll]

Way back when I was ten or eleven I managed to "borrow" a select few issues of a wonderful magazine called The Book of Life ( I think) from my dad's collection. The magazine basically detailed recent advances in all fields of human endeavour and came out fortnightly. Obviously my chosen field of human endeavour was sexuality and the magazines were such a wonderful source of information, from the very clinical The Moment of Conception to the superb The Art of Making Love, and an enlightning piece on the discoveries of one Mr Grafenberg. (I must have read those ones about a hundred times before I was twelve)
This was in a time when it was beginning to be accepted (or perhaps rediscovered) that women could not only enjoy sex but might also want it . This is where I thank the writers of those magazines profusely for not following the views of the day, but I digress.

edit:I'm not sure what relevance the above bit has with the question, apparently I wanted to write it though.

So in this new age of sexual interest from women, men suddenly found themselves responsible for their partners pleasure as well as their own.
Jump forward a number of years and we have something similar in store for the women. Our new sexually open woman is now also responsible for her partners pleasure.

Ok a lengthy and possibly pointless intro so I'll get to the point.
There have been a lot of threads on the subject of orgasm, or more correctly the inability to give their partner one.
Regardless of sex or your sexuality, are you responsible for your partners orgasm or is it ultimately up to them?
Should one partner feel inadequate because they could not bring their lover to climax?
Should one partner feel dismay because their partner could not give them an orgasm?
Who is responsible?








Do you ever have what you think is a really good idea and then half way through decide that maybe it wasn't so hot, this is one of those.

 

[M's girl]

Good question....

Hard one to answer, at least..... in a few sentences.....

Things like happiness, a sense of fulfillment, and certainly also sexual pleasure are the 'owner's' reponsibility in the first place.

But..... when you commit yourself in a relationship, TO ME, it is also all about doing everything that's within your power to behave yourself in a manner that pleases your partner, without denying your own needs and believes.

Sure, since sex is in your brain for the most part; there is only so much a partner can do. You are the first person to influence that. But then there's the getting to know each other; finding out what makes the other person 'tick' and caring about what he or she likes, fancies etcetera. If you don't care about that or discard that I think you are deliberately depriving the other one of a part of happiness that could be theirs if only you would care...

I think you have some sort of responsibility there, and certainly if you are in a monogamous relationship where certain areas (emotional, intimacy, sex) are to be between you two exclusively....

 

[silverwhisper]

i think it depends hugely on the circumstances but in general am inclined to think that it's often on both partners. i've been fortunate in that i've never been in a situation where it was exclusively the fault of one or the other person.

ed

 

[Melesse]

edit:I'm not sure what relevance the above bit has with the question, apparently I wanted to write it though.

Do you ever have what you think is a really good idea and then half way through decide that maybe it wasn't so hot, this is one of those.

THESE HAPPEN TO ME ALL THE TIME! lol

I think it's the person's own responsibility to see that they get off. Especially if it's not a long term relationship. That responsibility may only entail telling the other person what's necessary (G-spot stimulation, maybe the guy needs to suck on some toes, who knows ), or it may entail taking things into hand.

That said, a compassionate and good partner will be happy to shoulder the responsibility...but you should always expect them not to. I so often hear from friends about how the guy left them hanging, and all I think to myself is well, he took responsibility for his orgasm, where were you? Why did you give him the responsibility? Did he know?

Of course, hopefully you get that considerate partner, but...

Melesse

 

[Eilan]

I'm going to say that it's the responsibility of both parties--to an extent.

It's my responsibility to tell my husband what I do and don't like. If I don't/can't/won't communicate that, for whatever reason, then I have no business complaining if I never have an orgasm.

However, if I tell or show my husband what I like, and he insists on doing things his way because he has some preconceived notion of what women like, then shame on him for being an inattentive ass.

In a lot of the orgasm threads that get started around here, I think it's a combination of several things, namely inexperience and miscommunication (or, in one recent case, misinformation ). It's going to be difficult for a woman to tell her SO what she enjoys if she's unsure of this herself.

One pet peeve thread of mine, other than cock size threads, is the "What do women/men like?" thread. I guess I can understand that if someone's inexperienced, then he or she might want to have a general idea about what turns other people on, but it's difficult to answer the question because the answers are as individual as we are.

 

[SweetErika]

Regardless of sex or your sexuality, are you responsible for your partners orgasm or is it ultimately up to them?

To me, it's up to them, period. Likewise, my orgasms are completely up to me. The only responsibility the partner has is to make their best effort to listen, learn, and try to give pleasure.

Should one partner feel inadequate because they could not bring their lover to climax?

No. They should only feel inadequate if they're not giving it their all.

If my hubby (or any partner) felt inadequate every time I had trouble or just couldn't get there, I'm sure we'd be in sad shape as a couple.

Should one partner feel dismay because their partner could not give them an orgasm?

Again, only if the partner's not trying by not listening to feedback, learning their body and new techniques, is selfish, doesn't put in the time and effort,, etc.


That said, these beliefs (which I think are pretty healthy) have caused me a lot of grief because I put a lot of pressure on myself, get frustrated, and feel guilty for having trouble or not getting there. I don't think I need to change the beliefs though; I need to fix how I interpret, apply, and react to them myself.

Do you ever have what you think is a really good idea and then half way through decide that maybe it wasn't so hot, this is one of those.

You're in good company, as evidenced by my numerous terribly unsuccessful threads. However, this one is a really great topic, quoll!