Who is REALLY cheating in a marriage?

[adamISOeve]

The spouse who refuses to accept lack of sexual intimacy by seeking an extramarital affair? Or is it the spouse who withholds genuine affection and love-making from the other one?

This is my way of framing the underlying question of most sexless marriages. Several threads on this forum have been dealing with this question in one way or another. With the latest discussion I had joined focusing too much -- for my liking – on all the reasons a wife might have for her withholding. And frankly I admit my unwillingness to assign much emphasis to what I see as a second-order side effect. Or a bunch of excuses mainly. Excuses exaggerated into a “problem” which becomes one mainly, because of some books written by wayward psychologists. Those who despise the fundamental way that B. F. Skinner approaches psychology. The “behavioral” way, i.e. by fixing problems rather than by analyzing them to death.

In my way of thinking, one must refrain from overdoing the analysis part of this problem, and focus on solutions instead. By teaching a woman who has not understood this yet, how to enjoy the pleasures her body can give her. With books like those Lonnie Barbach writes. In other words by positively approaching sexual intimacy. Rather than focusing on the “Why Nots”.

And in cases where one spouse simply won’t understand, cultivate benign forms of marital infidelity. After all, what is commonly considered “cheating” can be done in ways which won’t result in a disaster necessarily for the “cheetee”. And that applies to women as well as to men, when cheating out of sexual intimacy happens.

Because – so goes my rationale – the main deficiency I suffer from is lack of erotic affection. And not necessarily IRL sex. After all, affection can be transmitted via emails too, or thru the telephone, when two people have come to like one another. OK, I admit: not with as much enjoyment and satisfaction, but in an acceptable manner, so I posit. Especially for people blessed with lots of fantasy and imagination.

So in case you, a woman who reads my ad now, are getting cheated out of erotic intimacy, and you feel you resonate with my way of thinking, I invite you to PM me back. And should anybody else have strong convictions on the subject I have raised, and should you feel like responding with some constructive comments, I am interested in hearing them also. In case they are not a mere regurgitation of the position of one prominent poster on the other thread I mentioned in the beginning.

 

[EffBeeEss]

Hmm. Can’t imagine why you aren’t getting any.

EDIT: Oh, just realized this is another one of that one dude’s alts. Makes a lot more sense now.

 

[Chillygirl]

 

[lil_jenni]

First and foremost, a spouse not engaging in sexual activity would only be cheating if sexual activity is an entitlement. It is not. No one is entitled to have sex with anyone else.

I do understand that someone who finds himself or herself in a sexless marriage may feel cheated because of the cultural perception that sexual access and marriage are necessarily concurrent. However, I submit that it is one's own expectations (bolstered by societal expectations) that are the source of that feeling. The spouse who is not interested in sexual intimacy is not cheating simply by not having sex.

However, I do believe that such disregard for the needs and wants of the other spouse is highly problematic for the relationship. Moreover, I think two people who stay in a relationship that does not meet their wants and needs are cheating themselves. If you find you are no longer compatible emotionally or physically or both, either get out or figure out a way to address those incompatibilities. Resentment is toxic to love, and I cannot understand why anyone would stay with someone they resent if they do not have to do so.

 

[adamISOeve]

@ lil_jenni , What you write there sounds great, and thank you for commenting in a construcive manner. But do not believe that the many "Shoulds" you mentioned as desirable are NOT so trivial to achieve.

I wish you good luck in your relationship, in any case.

 

[SheisFaye]

Humans have been indoctrinated with certain ideals and behaviors, irrelevant to gender.
What two people consent to and what works for them in their relationship is up to them to decide. Not being transparent about one's needs or offering the opportunity to have them met as a matter of idealization or shame or insecurity is a detriment to both parties.

If a person has committed to monogamy and neither person has communicated and reciprocated sexuality as a part of that commitment and matrimony as a whole then accountabilty lies with both parties. I would think sex is an important thing to consider when committing to marriage and deserves just as much effort and cultivation as any other part of the commitment.

Let's hope we aren't out in the world using a person for what we perceive as the best parts of them and then finding a second or third or fourth to supply the other parts that benefit us the most while ignoring the rest. Can't imagine a wife nor a side would enjoy compartmentalization like that although everyone is different. Perhaps they do. Moral polyamory is a thing. Whatever your label or kink we can say that there may be better ways to go about things, that being said..

Some people are here to cheat.
Some people are here single seeking their kinky counterparts.
Neither should shame the other as good or bad but instead accept that those individuals engaging with you deserve transparency and a choice- neither party needs to snub one another for honoring whatever personal ideal or belief that makes us desire what we do- not that anyone has. I think people here on lit have been great! On the opposite side I've been getting flack for choosing not to speak to "attached" men. Lol It goes both ways!

Anyway

I hear that you're saying you feel cheated and don't feel like a "cheater" and that you're looking for your counterpart - I hope you find what you're looking for.

 

[adamISOeve]

Dear Faye, I thank you for responding to my PMs to you – in public. That’s one way to do it, for sure; like communicating via an open letter in an old-fashioned newspaper.

So maybe it’s a good idea after all that you and I should NOT hook up with each other. For I prefer a kind of writing that’s not so difficult to decipher and to extract the meaning out of.

And I wish you a successful journey also, to your final destination!

 

[longboy2022]

Cheating occurs when you get found out.

 

[SheisFaye]

Dear Faye, I thank you for responding to my PMs to you – in public. That’s one way to do it, for sure; like communicating via an open letter in an old-fashioned newspaper.

So maybe it’s a good idea after all that you and I should NOT hook up with each other. For I prefer a kind of writing that’s not so difficult to decipher and to extract the meaning out of.

And I wish you a successful journey also, to your final destination!

I'm sorry you didn't understand me but at least we've come to a mutual agreement.

 

[SheisFaye]

Hmm. Can’t imagine why you aren’t getting any.

EDIT: Oh, just realized this is another one of that one dude’s alts. Makes a lot more sense now.

Oh, is there a list? I'm new.

 

[EffBeeEss]

Oh, is there a list? I'm new.

It would probably be useful if there was, but I think I only know a couple and it would only give the dude a bigger chubby from the attention.

 

[ericalauren]

The spouse who refuses to accept lack of sexual intimacy by seeking an extramarital affair? Or is it the spouse who withholds genuine affection and love-making from the other one?

This is my way of framing the underlying question of most sexless marriages. Several threads on this forum have been dealing with this question in one way or another. With the latest discussion I had joined focusing too much -- for my liking – on all the reasons a wife might have for her withholding. And frankly I admit my unwillingness to assign much emphasis to what I see as a second-order side effect. Or a bunch of excuses mainly. Excuses exaggerated into a “problem” which becomes one mainly, because of some books written by wayward psychologists. Those who despise the fundamental way that B. F. Skinner approaches psychology. The “behavioral” way, i.e. by fixing problems rather than by analyzing them to death.

In my way of thinking, one must refrain from overdoing the analysis part of this problem, and focus on solutions instead. By teaching a woman who has not understood this yet, how to enjoy the pleasures her body can give her. With books like those Lonnie Barbach writes. In other words by positively approaching sexual intimacy. Rather than focusing on the “Why Nots”.

And in cases where one spouse simply won’t understand, cultivate benign forms of marital infidelity. After all, what is commonly considered “cheating” can be done in ways which won’t result in a disaster necessarily for the “cheetee”. And that applies to women as well as to men, when cheating out of sexual intimacy happens.

Because – so goes my rationale – the main deficiency I suffer from is lack of erotic affection. And not necessarily IRL sex. After all, affection can be transmitted via emails too, or thru the telephone, when two people have come to like one another. OK, I admit: not with as much enjoyment and satisfaction, but in an acceptable manner, so I posit. Especially for people blessed with lots of fantasy and imagination.

So in case you, a woman who reads my ad now, are getting cheated out of erotic intimacy, and you feel you resonate with my way of thinking, I invite you to PM me back. And should anybody else have strong convictions on the subject I have raised, and should you feel like responding with some constructive comments, I am interested in hearing them also. In case they are not a mere regurgitation of the position of one prominent poster on the other thread I mentioned in the beginning.

I stopped reading after the second question. I hate having to remind people that they are not entitled to sex.