Who is in Control

[itsyuk]

Who is in control

This is a lttle poser that has been troubling me for a while now. Just who is in control within a BDSM relationship / scene etc..

Yes i know that the sub should do as she is told by the Dom(me) except for thoose brats out there lolol
and yes i know a slave will do as she is told no question but who overall has total control of the situation.

I mean in this form of relationship you need Trust, Honour, and respect for it to work. Though there are also an important thing called LIMITS which every sub/slave has and i know that it is important for a Dom(me) to push and expand the limits of their charges.

But as those limits must be respected and lived up to is it not the sub/slave that has control over the situation as then the Dom(me) is in a way submitting themselves to their sub/slave.

 

[Bandit58]

I don't see it as Master submitting to me.......on the contrary! But I have to have the trust that He will respect my safeword, and also trust Him to push my limits, and how best to do that.

For instance, I do as I am told, no question. But it does neither of us any good if I don't enjoy what we are doing. I had my first real spanking a couple of months ago, something I wasn't too sure I would like. I knew I had the security of the safeword, and could use it if I felt I needed to. Which gave me the confidence to stay with it, and I was pleasantly surprised with how much I did in fact enjoy being spanked

I have to know that He respects me enough to have that care for my wellbeing both physical and mental. I am not going to submit to someone who does not respect me or my boundaries. So yes as a submissive I do have that control, but it is not used lightly. I haven't used my safeword - yet. But to have it there, just in case, allows me to let Him push those boundaries. Hope this ramble made a bit of sense, as I am quite new to this

 

[WriterDom]

But as those limits must be respected and lived up to is it not the sub/slave that has control over the situation as then the Dom(me) is in a way submitting themselves to their sub/slave.

Tell me your limits and spend an hour with me. Then you'll have your answer.

 

[FungiUg]

But as those limits must be respected and lived up to is it not the sub/slave that has control over the situation as then the Dom(me) is in a way submitting themselves to their sub/slave.

A submissive gives a measure of control over to a Dominant. It's not about limits -- after all, most Dominants have limits also! Those are simply the boundaries within which the power of control is granted.

 

[InnerDarkness]

For me, even though I label myself as submissive, the control is very much shared. Yes, I give control of me and my body over to my Sir, but ultimately that leaves me still being in control because it is my choice to allow myself to be used. In daily practice it would appear as if He has control, but the fact that I am even allowing it all to occur leaves me with a modicum of control on my own.

I think a BDSM relationship is a shared experience.

 

[fallon2]

Control

is very much a shared effort by both people.

Never forget, that the safe word is the greatest control that the sub has and that the good Master always respects it. Always.

 

[heckle]

The submissive, bottom, slave, etc... Is the one who actually has the control. The bottom is the one who places themselves into the caring hands of the top. Without the bottom giving the obedience to the top, there woudl be noone to control. It is easy to say that your a Dom. But a Dom without anyone to dominate is just another person.

 

[FungiUg]

The submissive, bottom, slave, etc... Is the one who actually has the control.

I've heard this before -- even on CSI. I'm not sure I agree though. Ultimately, the submissive has control because they can stop the proceedings at any time. But... so too can the dominant. So that argument doesn't fly for me.

The simple answer is that there isn't a simple answer. Control is shared, flexible, moves about, and all of the people involved have elements of control.

 

[Kajira Callista]

The submissive, bottom, slave, etc... Is the one who actually has the control. The bottom is the one who places themselves into the caring hands of the top. Without the bottom giving the obedience to the top, there woudl be noone to control. It is easy to say that your a Dom. But a Dom without anyone to dominate is just another person.

how does the pyl have control if she gives over control to the PYL?

 

[shyly curious]

how does the pyl have control if she give over control to the PYL?

If the pyl can set limits (which pyl's can) that is a form of control.
If the pyl can use a safeword to stop the activities, that too is a form of control.
If the pyl can refuse future activities, that is a form of control.

And the PYL's have the reciprocal forms of control.

As said previously, BDSM is a shared experience that occurs within the mutually agreed on limitations or restrictions.

imho

 

[Evaleastaristev]

When it comes to control....I feel that it's a shared thing. Most of it is in the hands of the Dom/me, but the sub does have a bit of the control. The sub can always say no, and safewords definately give the sub some sort of control IMO.

But I really wouldn't call myself a submissive if I didn't believe that most of the control was in the Dom/me's hands.

 

[Kajira Callista]

why are limits discussed? as a form of control or for safety?
why are safewords used? as a form of control or for safety?
if you are using either of these as a form of control, are you not then just topping from the bottom?

 

[shyly curious]

why are limits discussed? as a form of control or for safety?
why are safewords used? as a form of control or for safety?
if you are using either of these as a form of control, are you not then just topping from the bottom?

I was looking at this from the standpoint of "having control" is having some influence that may affect the decisions made. I think as long as I have a working brain and the ability to communicate, I have the ability to influence what happens.

And as a sub, it is my responsibility to protect myself and also, see that I put myself into situations that are beneficial to me. I am not a doormat, nor mindless. The Domme cannot train/ guide/ lead me without my active participation.



<is this another case of confusion caused by, ... who uses what word, ... in what way, ... to explain themselves?>

 

[Kajira Callista]

I was looking at this from the standpoint of "having control" is having some influence that may affect the decisions made. I think as long as I have a working brain and the ability to communicate, I have the ability to influence what happens.

And as a sub, it is my responsibility to protect myself and also, see that I put myself into situations that are beneficial to me. I am not a doormat, nor mindless. The Domme cannot train/ guide/ lead me without my active participation.



<is this another case of confusion caused by, ... who uses what word, ... in what way, ... to explain themselves?>

i took the question posted originally to mean who was in control...something alot of new people seem to think is that because a submissive person hands over control they have no brain or are mindless, the doormat thing, thats not what its about at all, and if i didnt need a shower right now i would sit and chat with you about it a bit more.

 

[heckle]

I took the question from the standpoint of who has the ultimate control which is why I answered like I did. This is also taking into accoutn that there is no rulebook for this lifestyle. It is about trust, honor and respect.

I enjoy watching/listening to people discuss terms and labels. For example, SSC (Safe Sane Consentual) and RACK (Risk Aware Consentual Kink). We know what they stand for and how to explain them. Why is this? Because SSC (the original) was coined to make the lifestyle easier to understand to the media. SSC was placed up on a pedistle (so to say) and taken as gospel. Then came those who said that it was not enough. So, they came up with RACK. They both make sense and are easy to understand. They both are directed at new people, nilla folks and the media. Even SSC and RACK have started debates. So, due to these debated, I have started to use the catchphrase JUCFS (Just Use Common Friggin Sense).

Debates are to be expected. Everyone has their own outlook on things. Different areas and people do different things. I would never invade anyones "scene space" without permission. And I would never hesitate to correct someone for invading mine (normally does not happen due to my love of fire play using spray bottles and large plumes of fire).

But anyway, I wander off topic. Take care all.

 

[Kajira Callista]

I took the question from the standpoint of who has the ultimate control which is why I answered like I did.

so did i, and in a relationship where power exchange is involved, the dominant has the ultimate control.

 

[shyly curious]

Who is in control

This is a lttle poser that has been troubling me for a while now. Just who is in control within a BDSM relationship / scene etc..

Yes i know that the sub should do as she is told by the Dom(me) except for thoose brats out there lolol
and yes i know a slave will do as she is told no question but who overall has total control of the situation.

I mean in this form of relationship you need Trust, Honour, and respect for it to work. Though there are also an important thing called LIMITS which every sub/slave has and i know that it is important for a Dom(me) to push and expand the limits of their charges.

But as those limits must be respected and lived up to is it not the sub/slave that has control over the situation as then the Dom(me) is in a way submitting themselves to their sub/slave.

Each time I read this I come back to the same answer.

"Who is in control?"

They are. Total control is theirs too.

I don't "do anything" that exceeds my hard limits, I have been pushed to grow in areas that were hard for me, but I accept that that is part of who I am, this need to grow and learn.

just mho

 

[incubus'_sub]

I tend to think that there is too much time wasted by people navel gazing & soul searching for answers & definitions which don't really exist. This observation is not directed at anyone in particular, more as a general view which occurred to me again when reading this thread.

May I ask why it worries you who has the ultimate control? Does it really matter in any way? Despite what we read, the only rule is that there are no rules, each relationship is formed by the intepretations of the participants individually and then by mutual understanding to satisfy the needs of said individuals. Who cares if others see or do it differently? A great deal of unhappiness and worry could be avoided if we just accept who we are, what we are and get on with enjoying it. As a good example, we should read the gay chat board. They ask for practical advice, they discuss great experiences and problems but never seem to ask oh, dear, why am I the way I am and am I doing it right. It's very refreshing.

 

[Sir_Winston54]

<snip>Despite what we read, the only rule is that there are no rules, each relationship is formed by the intepretations of the participants individually and then by mutual understanding to satisfy the needs of said individuals. Who cares if others see or do it differently? A great deal of unhappiness and worry could be avoided if we just accept who we are, what we are and get on with enjoying it.<snip>

I lean toward the viewpoint of those who say that the control is shared. While the PYL controls the moment-to-moment, day-to-day, the pyl has overall control of how long the PYL has that authority. IMHO, the pyl gives him/herself, and control over him/herself, as a gift to the PYL - and has the right to retract that gift. So, control is shared - different aspects of it reside in each of the parties involved.

And I will tend to agree with incubus'_sub's statement, with one tiny addition: after "only," insert "universal," to make the statement read, "...the only universal rule is that there are no rules. Each relationship is formed by the interpretations of the participants individually and then by mutual understanding...."

The last suggestion in that quote is also a very good one: Let's just "get on with enjoying it!"

 

[esclave_PP]

I suppose my situation is closer to Catalina's. Master has full control over my body, mind and soul (really, it's true, I know that might sound hokey but he really does). Because I am a slave and not a submissive, for me it is all about pleasing him and obeying him. So, in terms of control, I suppose the only "control" I give is giving it all up to him

But submissives, by the very nature of the role, have some amount of control. Finding that balance and comprimise is half the fun.

Enjoy the TPE

 

[Netzach]

Nobody is, we're all kidding ourselves.

He wants to make me happy and knows that his obedience does that. I want to make him happy and I know that my care for him does that.

But neither of us is going to protect ourselves let alone each other from the full spectrum of shit that the universe throws your way.

He does his utmost to please me, all the time. That's all I know. I do my utmost to be consistent and to notice and care.

 

[FungiUg]

Nobody is, we're all kidding ourselves.

I think when it comes down to it, that pretty much sums it up!

 

[itsyuk]

Thank you all for your views some of which i agree with someof which i dont but then eveyone has their own opinions and beliefs.

 

[FreeGal]

He, my Dom, is in complete control, at all times. To me, that's what submission means: me giving up all power and control and handing it to him.

And, no, I'm not a doormat, who lets people walk all over me. I am a strong willed, intelligent and determined person, but when I submit, I do so completely.

Yes, I suppose I do have the ultimate word in "control", ie. the safe word, but it is him who controls the scenes and decides what will happen, he also knows how far to take me.

I crave to be dominated and controlled by him and my place is to please him and for him to take anything he damn well wants!

 

[bound]

so did i, and in a relationship where power exchange is involved, the dominant has the ultimate control.

You GIVE that control to the Dominant though, thus being in control of your power in the first place. You chose where to place your power.

You may never exercise it again, but that control was yours. Should it be horribly abused, would you not rescind it?